On my 3rd leg of flights for 16 hours, in a delirious state and that just got me so stoked I had to wake my wife up. Sorry babe.

Season 2 Finale
“You look worried Bruce,” my producer jokes, moments before going live. “Even for you.”
This gets a chuckle from the crew.
“Quiet on the set!”
I’m already shaking in my shoes. Not a good sign. Working for the Devil is extremely stressful. And dangerous. And certainly not for the faint of heart. Why I took this gig is beyond me.
(Cue creepy music)
“Going live in five…four…three…”
I get the nod.
(Cut to camera one)
“Greetings Hell Beings and hell raisers. Welcome to the Season 2 finale of….”
(Cue the audience)
“LET’S MAKE A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL.”
I wave my arms in the air.
The audience jumps to their feet.
Someone heckles.
“Alright. Knock it off.”
I serve up my best game show-host grin. It looks as fake as this cheap Hollywood studio.
“As you probably know, my name is Bruce Davie, and I’m the host of…”
(Cue audience)
“LET’S MAKE A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL.”
There’s a disturbance in the audience. A crew member forcefully removes someone. The commotion settles, and I get the go-ahead.
“Phew! A feisty crowd tonight!”
My painted-on smile takes up the entire screen. So does my gleaming bald head.
“Now I know what you’re thinking. What’s the Devil got in store for us this evening?”
The audience rumbles.
I shrug.
“Honestly, I wish I knew!”
This is true. But I’m sure it has something to do with me spending an eternity in Hell. It’s right there in my contract, which runs out after this episode.
(Cut to camera two)
“So, without further ado, let’s bring out tonight’s contestants, shall we?”
The audience roars.
“And yes, you heard me correctly. Tonight, for the first time ever in this show’s defamatory history, we’ve got two contestants!”
Audience is on their feet, whooping and hollering.
(Cut to camera three)
(Cue music)
A middle-aged couple promenade towards the podium. They’re dressed like cowboys, and walk with a sense of purpose.
(Split screen)
“Welcome, both of you.”
More like: Welcome to your funeral.
“Tell us a wee bit about yourselves, why don’t you?”
(Cut to camera four)
The woman speaks first. Her hair is amber, her complexion as pale as light beer.
“Well, Bruce. My name is Tammy. I’m a stay-at-home mom. This here’s my partner, Tex. He owns his own gun shop. We live in Austin Texas, with three beautiful children, who are with us here tonight.”
She points.
(Cut to overhead camera)
Two tall boys and a young girl, each dressed head-to-toe in denim, stand and bow.
The audience applauds.
(Split screen)
The other contestant approaches the microphone. He’s as tall as an ivory tower, with a voice like a banjo.
“Howdy Bruce. Good to be here.”
He tilts his cowboy hat. His square jaw and rugged good looks give Chuck Norris a run for his money.
I salute them.
(Cut to camera two)
“Well then, now that we’re finished with the formalities, I do believe it’s time to…”
(Cue audience)
“BRING OUT THE DEVIL.”
(Cue creepy music)
(Cue pyrotechnics)
The stage fills with fire and brimstone. Pentagrams slice through the air. The Devil appears suddenly, dressed in a shiny new devil suit, tailored specifically for tonight’s show. It’s jet-black, and leaves little to the imagination. His pitchforked tail follows closely behind him as he approaches the podium.
(Cut to Camera five)
The Devil wraps his arms around the two contestants, kisses them both on the cheek.
Tex, clearly perturbed, winces, then grudgingly wipes his cheek.
The Devil snarls, then looks him up and down.
“Looks like everything isn’t bigger in Texas,” the Devil teases. Suddenly, he’s grown over eight-feet tall, and is looming over the tall Texan.
(Cut to camera three)
The bright lights and furious makeup make me look like a cartoon.
“What an exciting night this promises to be!”
Tammy steps forward.
“You bet it is, Bruce. We’ve watched every episode. We just love…”
(Cue the audience)
“LET’S MAKE A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL.”
(Cut to camera three)
“Of course!” Damion boasts. “This is Hell’s most popular show. And for good reason.”
He slaps the woman’s backside with his tail, then raises his eyebrows mockingly.
The cowboy puffs out his chest, fists clenched, daring him to touch his wife again.
“Woah, easy there pardner.”
Damion nudges Tex.
Tammy is flushed. “Don’t mind Tex. He’s the jealous kind.”
“Oh really?”
Damion’s tail is now shaped like a lasso. With it, he snags Tammy and pulls her close. Her face turns tomato-red.
The cowboy grunts, pulling it off with one strong swoop.
The audience boos.
The Devil snickers.
I feel sick. If this is to be my last episode (or final day on Earth), I don’t want it spoiled by this denim-clad dude whose hat is bigger than his brains, or by Damion, who seems extra feisty tonight. Even for him.
(Cut to camera one)
I clear my throat.
“Tell us, Tammy and Tex…no, tell all of Hell…what it is your beating hearts desire?”
The audience is on the edge of their seats.
(Split screen)
The Texans exchange doubtful looks.
The wife takes charge.
“Well Bruce,” Tammy says. “We don’t want anything that might get us killed. Being from Dallas, we were raised with some common sense.”
The audience hisses.
(Cut to camera five)
The husband steps up.
“That’s right, Bruce. Simply put, we want to be famous for a day. That’s it. Then we can write a book and live off the royalties.”
The audience erupts into a frenzy of catcalls.
(Cut to camera three)
The Devil’s eyebrows touch the top of his head. His voice slithers like a snake.
“Is that so?”
My heart plummets. These Texans are flirting with disaster. If they’d stuck to the script, they might be safe. They were supposed to ask for a lifetime’s supply of Super Bowl tickets. Easy-peasy. Who do these cowpokes think they are? Do they really think they can outsmart the Devil?
“Well then,” I say, shakily. “I’m sure Damion can arrange that.”
I raise my arms.
“What does the audience think?”
The audience goes ballistic.
(Cut to camera three)
The Devil, still towering over the Texans, leans into the camera.
“Famous, eh?”
His lips smack against his face. When he touches the dude’s shoulder, the cowboy swipes his arm away.
The audience boos. Someone tosses an egg onto the podium, narrowly missing the contestants.
“Woah! Easy does it!” I spurt out.
All hell breaks loose.
(Cut to overhead camera)
The crew gets busy, disposing of both the egg and the agitator.
(Cut to camera one)
I wipe my sweaty forehead.
“Tough crowd.”
The audience hoots.
The Devil sneers.
“SILENCE!”
Flames flash across the room.
People shriek, including me.
(Close up of Damion)
The Devil, boasting his gambler’s grin, turns to the contestants.
“Yes, yes. You WILL be famous. But just for one day.”
The audience roars their approval.
I shudder. Never in all my years, have I felt so much animosity from an audience. I’ll be lucky to make it out alive.
(Split screen)
“Sounds like the Devil has a plan.”
I try to sound cheerful. But cheerfulness is the opposite of how I feel.
(Cut to camera one)
“Tell us Damion…and all of Hell…what you’ve got cooked up?”
The audience leans in.
(Cut to camera three)
The Devil winks at Tammy.
“Well, I do believe it’s time for those two cowpokes to become famous. Am I correct?”
The audience jumps to their feet, chanting: “FAMOUS.… FAMOUS…. FAMOUS.…”
(Split screen)
Tammy looks pleased. Her partner, on the other hand, is showing concern. His shoulders are tense, he’s swallowed his bottom lip.
Damion dazzles the audience.
“Famous, y’all shall be.”
He snaps his fingers.
BAM.
The studio goes dark.
Someone in the audience screams.
Tammy gasps.
Tex grunts.
(Cut to camera one)
I shrug.
Is this Damion’s latest trick? Or did they finally cut the power? We give the impression that this show is hugely popular; but in truth, outside of Hell, this show is a dud. Cable and internet companies avoid us like the plague.
(Cut to overhead camera)
The contestants vanish under a cloud of fog.
A flaming pentagram floats across the stage.
“Well, isn’t that just dandy!”
The Devil points to the large screen behind the audience.
“Mister and Missus Cowpoke are about to jump the falls!”
He snaps his fingers, then he disappears.
My legs go weak. My heart is beating irregularly again. I still don’t know he does it. How any of this works. Suddenly, I’m alone on stage, shaking in my fine Italian boots, while the audience grows rowdier by the second.
Cameras mounted on drones are pointed at Tammy and Tex, who are trapped inside a large, steel barrel, with Niagara Falls looming below them.
Damion flies across the falls, lands next to Tammy and Tex. He taps the barrel.
“Ain’t she a beauty?”
The audience hurrahs.
The barrel is unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Although it’s huge, and probably weighs a ton, it barely contains the two Texans, who are kicking and screaming, cursing up a storm.
“Get me the hell out of here!” Tammy’s voice rips through the noise of the falls. “NOW!”
Damion frowns.
“You wanted to be famous. Am I right?”
The audience chants, “FAMOUS…. FAMOUS.… FAMOUS….”
Tex pokes his head out of the barrel, cowboy hat and all.
“Now wait one minute, Damion. That’s unfair. We wanted fame. Not death.”
The Devil chuckles.
“The two are synonymous, am I right?”
The audience agrees.
Damion checks his watch.
“Well then…”
He slams the lid shut.
That’s the end of the Texans, as far as I’m concerned.
(Close up of Damion)
“Whatcha think? Should they jump the falls?”
The audience shouts, “JUMP…. JUMP…. JUMP….”
(Cut to camera two)
My insides are melting. I’m petrified. You’d think working with the Devil would get easier over time. You’d be dead wrong.
“Looks like the people have spoken!” I hear myself say.
The audience continues their chant.
(Cut to overhead camera)
“Excellent,” Damion says, fiddling his fingers.
He looks over the cliff, and makes a sour face.
“Wowsers. That’s a long way down!”
“JUMP…. JUMP…. JUMP….”
“And so much water!”
(Cut to camera one)
My worried-sick face appears on the screen.
I straighten up.
“Once they jump, Tam and Tex will surely be famous!”
Except of course, they won’t be famous. Not in this world anyways. They’ve been duped. Why these people sign up to die is beyond me. Perhaps we’ve reached a spectacular level of stupidity in human evolution.
(Cut to overhead camera)
Damion’s lips stretch across his reddened face, his arms flex like a weightlifter.
“I’ll give them a helping hand.”
He rolls the giant barrel to the very edge of the cliff, ignoring the banging and hollering coming from within the steel coffin.
“Tammy, Tex…” His lips stretch into a snarl. “Prepare for fame!”
The audience is on their feet.
Damion shoves the barrel over the edge.
(Split screen)
The barrel tumbles down the falls, disappearing into the fast-moving water.
The audience holds its breath.
(Cut to spy camera)
Inside the barrel, the Texans are shrieking. Their heads and arms and legs collide. Chunks of puke pour across Tammy’s sickening face, who’s calling Tex every name in the book, and it’s a big book. Meanwhile, Tex is like a frog in a blender. His face is green, his nose is broken; blood is leaking from every orifice.
There’s a loud crash as the barrel plunders underwater.
(Cut to overhead camera)
The barrel resurfaces, traveling dangerously downstream.
The audience is back on their feet, fist-pumping.
(Split screen)
What troubles me is how the pedestrians and tourists, crowding the streets, remain oblivious. To them, this is nothing out of the ordinary. Nobody watches, or even takes a pic. I’m starting to suspect foul play. Somehow, Damion is controlling this. He’s using dark magic. A spell. Maybe none of this is real. Except of course, it is real.
(Cut to camera one)
I’m trembling.
“What a jump!” my voice ricochets off the studio walls. “They’ll be famous in no time!”
The audience chants:
“FAMOUS…. FAMOUS…. FAMOUS….”
(Closeup of the Devil)
“Yes, yes. An excellent jump, I must say.”
He peaks over the edge.
“Looks like they could use some help.”
(Cut to overhead camera)
Damion flies towards the barrel, which is bouncing off rocks and debris.
(Cut to spy camera)
Blood. So much blood in such a tight space. Tammy’s hair is in disarray. Her face is beyond repair. Tex swallowed his hat. One of his eyeballs is bouncing like a Superball. His left arm is flapping nonsensically. It isn’t attached.
(Cut to camera four)
The Devil scoops up the barrel, then flies to shore. When his feet touch the ground, he shakes off the water, cat-like, then glares at the camera.
“What a jump!”
He cranks open the lip.
(Split screen)
Tammy spills out. So does Tex’s left arm.
The audience gasps.
Damion applauds.
“Such valor and swagger!”
(Cut to camera five)
Tammy is flopping fish-like, barely clinging to life. Her mouth is full of blood and brains.
The Devil puts his foot on her head.
“SAY CHEESE.”
From out of nowhere, a photographer appears.
SNAP.
Damion, looking pleased with himself, is suddenly holding a newspaper.
(Closeup of newspaper)
The headline splashes across the screen: IDIOTS JUMP THE FALLS.
(Cut to camera four)
Damion shoves the newspaper in front of her face.
“Looks like Tammy and Tex are famous.”
Tammy's eyes twitch. Clearly, she needs medical assistance. I’m surprised she’s still alive. Her husbands brains are splattered across the inside of the barrel.
The very sight of this makes me gag.
Tammy tries to speak, but fails. Her eyes are filled with rage.
Damion tosses the leftover arm into the water, then shrugs.
“Sorry about your hubby.”
(Cut to camera two)
With wobbly knees, I face the audience.
“Looks like the barrel got the best of Tex!”
The audience bellows.
I continue to talk involuntarily.
“Gosh dolly. Look at all that blood!”
“MORE BLOOD…. MORE BLOOD…. MORE BLOOD….”
I find myself chanting along.
Suddenly, my vision blurs. I clutch my chest. Maybe I’ll suffer a heart attack on live TV. Hell waits for no one, I suppose.
(Cut to camera four)
Tammy spits blood on Damion’s boot.
“Devil be damned.” I blurt.
Damion’s face twists into a ball of fury.
“Now, now, Tammy. That wasn’t very nice.”
He crushes her fingers with his boots.
Tammy yelps.
“I was gonna save your long-limbed partner over there,” he points. “Not anymore!”
The audience is bloodthirsty. Paper airplanes and rotten eggs whizz past me. I duck just in time.
(Closeup of contestant)
Tammy’s tongue is leaking from her bloodied face. She’s missing her front teeth. Damion digs his spiky heel deep into her blood-soaked abdomen.
“I reckon you’ll need medical assistance.”
He snaps his fingers.
Suddenly, they're back in the studio.
Damion is as happy as a filthy pig. Next to him is Tammy, who’s caked in blood and gore. Her corpse-of-a-husband spills from the gigantic steel barrel, taking center stage.
(Cut to overhead camera)
The contestant’s children rush the stage. They’re delirious.
The crew hurry out and drag them aside, along with Tammy, who's rushed to the hospital, where she will certainly die.
“Now that’s what I call speedy service!”
My voice appalls me. So does this job. If only I’d listened to my mother, and got into politics.
Damion snaps his finger, then disappears under a plume of dusty smoke.
(Cut to camera one)
“Well, there you have it folks. That’s the last you’ll see of Tammy and Tex. But fret not, they had their moment of fame…in Hell!”
The audience is tossing trash onto the stage.
I narrowly dodge a projectile.
“Hope you’ve enjoyed Season Two as much as I did.”
I hated it.
“And, unless the Devil strikes me down,” and he very-well might, “I hope to see you this Fall, for Season Three of…”
(Cue the audience)
“LET’S MAKE A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL.”
Season Two
Season One

Season 2 Finale
“You look worried Bruce,” my producer jokes, moments before going live. “Even for you.”
This gets a chuckle from the crew.
“Quiet on the set!”
I’m already shaking in my shoes. Not a good sign. Working for the Devil is extremely stressful. And dangerous. And certainly not for the faint of heart. Why I took this gig is beyond me.
(Cue creepy music)
“Going live in five…four…three…”
I get the nod.
(Cut to camera one)
“Greetings Hell Beings and hell raisers. Welcome to the Season 2 finale of….”
(Cue the audience)
“LET’S MAKE A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL.”
I wave my arms in the air.
The audience jumps to their feet.
Someone heckles.
“Alright. Knock it off.”
I serve up my best game show-host grin. It looks as fake as this cheap Hollywood studio.
“As you probably know, my name is Bruce Davie, and I’m the host of…”
(Cue audience)
“LET’S MAKE A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL.”
There’s a disturbance in the audience. A crew member forcefully removes someone. The commotion settles, and I get the go-ahead.
“Phew! A feisty crowd tonight!”
My painted-on smile takes up the entire screen. So does my gleaming bald head.
“Now I know what you’re thinking. What’s the Devil got in store for us this evening?”
The audience rumbles.
I shrug.
“Honestly, I wish I knew!”
This is true. But I’m sure it has something to do with me spending an eternity in Hell. It’s right there in my contract, which runs out after this episode.
(Cut to camera two)
“So, without further ado, let’s bring out tonight’s contestants, shall we?”
The audience roars.
“And yes, you heard me correctly. Tonight, for the first time ever in this show’s defamatory history, we’ve got two contestants!”
Audience is on their feet, whooping and hollering.
(Cut to camera three)
(Cue music)
A middle-aged couple promenade towards the podium. They’re dressed like cowboys, and walk with a sense of purpose.
(Split screen)
“Welcome, both of you.”
More like: Welcome to your funeral.
“Tell us a wee bit about yourselves, why don’t you?”
(Cut to camera four)
The woman speaks first. Her hair is amber, her complexion as pale as light beer.
“Well, Bruce. My name is Tammy. I’m a stay-at-home mom. This here’s my partner, Tex. He owns his own gun shop. We live in Austin Texas, with three beautiful children, who are with us here tonight.”
She points.
(Cut to overhead camera)
Two tall boys and a young girl, each dressed head-to-toe in denim, stand and bow.
The audience applauds.
(Split screen)
The other contestant approaches the microphone. He’s as tall as an ivory tower, with a voice like a banjo.
“Howdy Bruce. Good to be here.”
He tilts his cowboy hat. His square jaw and rugged good looks give Chuck Norris a run for his money.
I salute them.
(Cut to camera two)
“Well then, now that we’re finished with the formalities, I do believe it’s time to…”
(Cue audience)
“BRING OUT THE DEVIL.”
(Cue creepy music)
(Cue pyrotechnics)
The stage fills with fire and brimstone. Pentagrams slice through the air. The Devil appears suddenly, dressed in a shiny new devil suit, tailored specifically for tonight’s show. It’s jet-black, and leaves little to the imagination. His pitchforked tail follows closely behind him as he approaches the podium.
(Cut to Camera five)
The Devil wraps his arms around the two contestants, kisses them both on the cheek.
Tex, clearly perturbed, winces, then grudgingly wipes his cheek.
The Devil snarls, then looks him up and down.
“Looks like everything isn’t bigger in Texas,” the Devil teases. Suddenly, he’s grown over eight-feet tall, and is looming over the tall Texan.
(Cut to camera three)
The bright lights and furious makeup make me look like a cartoon.
“What an exciting night this promises to be!”
Tammy steps forward.
“You bet it is, Bruce. We’ve watched every episode. We just love…”
(Cue the audience)
“LET’S MAKE A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL.”
(Cut to camera three)
“Of course!” Damion boasts. “This is Hell’s most popular show. And for good reason.”
He slaps the woman’s backside with his tail, then raises his eyebrows mockingly. The cowboy puffs out his chest, fists clenched, daring him to touch his wife again.
“Woah, easy there pardner.”
Damion nudges Tex.
Tammy is flushed. “Don’t mind Tex. He’s the jealous kind.”
“Oh really?”
Damion’s tail is now shaped like a lasso. With it, he snags Tammy and pulls her close. Her face turns tomato-red.
The cowboy grunts, pulling it off with one strong swoop.
The audience boos.
The Devil snickers.
I feel sick. If this is to be my last episode (or final day on Earth), I don’t want it spoiled by this denim-clad dude whose hat is bigger than his brains, or by Damion, who seems extra feisty tonight. Even for him.
(Cut to camera one)
I clear my throat.
“Tell us, Tammy and Tex…no, tell all of Hell…what it is your beating hearts desire?”
The audience is on the edge of their seats.
(Split screen)
The Texans exchange doubtful looks.
The wife takes charge.
“Well Bruce,” Tammy says. “We don’t want anything that might get us killed. Being from Dallas, we were raised with some common sense.”
The audience hisses.
(Cut to camera five)
The husband steps up.
“That’s right, Bruce. Simply put, we want to be famous for a day. That’s it. Then we can write a book and live off the royalties.”
The audience erupts into a frenzy of catcalls.
(Cut to camera three)
The Devil’s eyebrows touch the top of his head. His voice slithers like a snake.
“Is that so?”
My heart plummets. These Texans are flirting with disaster. If they’d stuck to the script, they might be safe. They were supposed to ask for a lifetime’s supply of Super Bowl tickets. Easy-peasy. Who do these cowpokes think they are? Do they really think they can outsmart the Devil?
“Well then,” I say, shakily. “I’m sure Damion can arrange that.”
I raise my arms.
“What does the audience think?”
The audience goes ballistic.
(Cut to camera three)
The Devil, still towering over the Texans, leans into the camera.
“Famous, eh?”
His lips smack against his face. When he touches the dude’s shoulder, the cowboy swipes his arm away.
The audience boos. Someone tosses an egg onto the podium, narrowly missing the contestants.
“Woah! Easy does it!” I spurt out.
All hell breaks loose.
(Cut to overhead camera)
The crew gets busy, disposing of both the egg and the agitator.
(Cut to camera one)
I wipe my sweaty forehead.
“Tough crowd.”
The audience hoots.
The Devil sneers.
“SILENCE!”
Flames flash across the room.
People shriek, including me.
(Close up of Damion)
The Devil, boasting his gambler’s grin, turns to the contestants.
“Yes, yes. You WILL be famous. But just for one day.”
The audience roars their approval.
I shudder. Never in all my years, have I felt so much animosity from an audience. I’ll be lucky to make it out alive.
(Split screen)
“Sounds like the Devil has a plan.”
I try to sound cheerful. But cheerfulness is the opposite of how I feel.
(Cut to camera one)
“Tell us Damion…and all of Hell…what you’ve got cooked up?”
The audience leans in.
(Cut to camera three)
The Devil winks at Tammy.
“Well, I do believe it’s time for those two cowpokes to become famous. Am I correct?”
The audience jumps to their feet, chanting: “FAMOUS.… FAMOUS…. FAMOUS.…”
(Split screen)
Tammy looks pleased. Her partner, on the other hand, is showing concern. His shoulders are tense, he’s swallowed his bottom lip.
Damion dazzles the audience.
“Famous, y’all shall be.”
He snaps his fingers.
BAM.
The studio goes dark.
Someone in the audience screams.
Tammy gasps.
Tex grunts.
(Cut to camera one)
I shrug.
Is this Damion’s latest trick? Or did they finally cut the power? We give the impression that this show is hugely popular; but in truth, outside of Hell, this show is a dud. Cable and internet companies avoid us like the plague.
(Cut to overhead camera)
The contestants vanish under a cloud of fog.
A flaming pentagram floats across the stage.
“Well, isn’t that just dandy!”
The Devil points to the large screen behind the audience.
“Mister and Missus Cowpoke are about to jump the falls!”
He snaps his fingers, then he disappears.
My legs go weak. My heart is beating irregularly again. I still don’t know he does it. How any of this works. Suddenly, I’m alone on stage, shaking in my fine Italian boots, while the audience grows rowdier by the second.
Cameras mounted on drones are pointed at Tammy and Tex, who are trapped inside a large, steel barrel, with Niagara Falls looming below them.
Damion flies across the falls, lands next to Tammy and Tex.
He taps the barrel.
“Ain’t she a beauty?”
The audience hurrahs.
The barrel is unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Although it’s huge, and probably weighs a ton, it barely contains the two Texans, who are kicking and screaming, cursing up a storm.
“Get me the hell out of here!” Tammy’s voice rips through the noise of the falls. “NOW!”
Damion frowns.
“You wanted to be famous. Am I right?”
The audience chants, “FAMOUS…. FAMOUS.… FAMOUS….”
Tex pokes his head out of the barrel, cowboy hat and all.
“Now wait one minute, Damion. That’s unfair. We wanted fame. Not death.”
The Devil chuckles.
“The two are synonymous, am I right?”
The audience agrees.
Damion checks his watch.
“Well then...”
He slams the lid shut.
That’s the end of the Texans, as far as I’m concerned.
(Close up of Damion)
“Whatcha think? Should they jump the falls?”
The audience shouts, “JUMP…. JUMP…. JUMP….”
(Cut to camera two)
My insides are melting. I’m petrified. You’d think working with the Devil would get easier over time. You’d be dead wrong.
“Looks like the people have spoken!” I hear myself say.
The audience continues their chant.
(Cut to overhead camera)
“Excellent,” Damion says, fiddling his fingers.
He looks over the cliff, and makes a sour face.
“Wowsers. That’s a long way down!”
“JUMP…. JUMP…. JUMP....”
“And so much water!”
(Cut to camera one)
My worried-sick face appears on the screen.
I straighten up.
“Once they jump, Tam and Tex will surely be famous!”
Except of course, they won’t be famous. Not in this world anyways. They’ve been duped. Why these people sign up to die is beyond me. Perhaps we’ve reached a spectacular level of stupidity in human evolution.
(Cut to overhead camera)
Damion’s lips stretch across his reddened face, his arms flex like a weightlifter.
“I’ll give them a helping hand.”
He rolls the giant barrel to the very edge of the cliff, ignoring the banging and hollering coming from within the steel coffin.
“Tammy, Tex…” His lips stretch into a snarl. “Prepare for fame!”
The audience is on their feet.
Damion shoves the barrel over the edge.
(Split screen)
The barrel tumbles down the falls, disappearing into the fast-moving water.
The audience holds its breath.
(Cut to spy camera)
Inside the barrel, the Texans are shrieking. Their heads and arms and legs collide. Chunks of puke pour across Tammy’s sickening face, who’s calling Tex every name in the book, and it’s a big book. Meanwhile, Tex is like a frog in a blender. His face is green, his nose is broken; blood is leaking from every orifice.
There’s a loud crash as the barrel plunders underwater.
(Cut to overhead camera)
The barrel resurfaces, traveling dangerously downstream.
The audience is back on their feet, fist-pumping.
(Split screen)
What troubles me is how the pedestrians and tourists, crowding the streets, remain oblivious. To them, this is nothing out of the ordinary. Nobody watches, or even takes a pic. I’m starting to suspect foul play. Somehow, Damion is controlling this. He’s using dark magic. A spell. Maybe none of this is real. Except of course, it is real.
(Cut to camera one)
I’m trembling.
“What a jump!” my voice ricochets off the studio walls. “They’ll be famous in no time!”
The audience chants:
“FAMOUS…. FAMOUS…. FAMOUS….”
(Closeup of the Devil)
“Yes, yes. An excellent jump, I must say.”
He peaks over the edge.
“Looks like they could use some help.”
(Cut to overhead camera)
Damion flies towards the barrel, which is bouncing off rocks and debris.
(Cut to spy camera)
Blood. So much blood in such a tight space. Tammy’s hair is in disarray. Her face is beyond repair. Tex swallowed his hat. One of his eyeballs is bouncing like a Superball. His left arm is flapping nonsensically. It isn’t attached.
(Cut to camera four)
The Devil scoops up the barrel, then flies to shore. When his feet touch the ground, he shakes off the water, cat-like, then glares at the camera.
“What a jump!”
He cranks open the lip.
(Split screen)
Tammy spills out. So does Tex’s left arm.
The audience gasps.
Damion applauds.
“Such valor and swagger!”
(Cut to camera five)
Tammy is flopping fish-like, barely clinging to life. Her mouth is full of blood and brains.
The Devil puts his foot on her head.
“SAY CHEESE.”
From out of nowhere, a photographer appears.
SNAP.
Damion, looking pleased with himself, is suddenly holding a newspaper.
(Closeup of newspaper)
The headline splashes across the screen: IDIOTS JUMP THE FALLS.
(Cut to camera four)
Damion shoves the newspaper in front of her face.
“Looks like Tammy and Tex are famous.”
Tammy's eyes twitch. Clearly, she needs medical assistance. I’m surprised she’s still alive. Her husbands brains are splattered across the inside of the barrel. The very sight of this makes me gag.
Tammy tries to speak, but fails. Her eyes are filled with rage.
Damion tosses the leftover arm into the water, then shrugs.
“Sorry about your hubby.”
(Cut to camera two)
With wobbly knees, I face the audience.
“Looks like the barrel got the best of Tex!”
The audience bellows.
I continue to talk involuntarily.
“Gosh dolly. Look at all that blood!”
“MORE BLOOD…. MORE BLOOD…. MORE BLOOD….”
I find myself chanting along.
Suddenly, my vision blurs. I clutch my chest. Maybe I’ll suffer a heart attack on live TV. Hell waits for no one, I suppose.
(Cut to camera four)
Tammy spits blood on Damion’s boot.
“Devil be damned.” I blurt.
Damion’s face twists into a ball of fury.
“Now, now, Tammy. That wasn’t very nice.”
He crushes her fingers with his boots.
Tammy yelps.
“I was gonna save your long-limbed partner over there,” he points. “Not anymore!”
The audience is bloodthirsty. Paper airplanes and rotten eggs whizz past me. I duck just in time.
(Closeup of contestant)
Tammy’s tongue is leaking from her bloodied face. She’s missing her front teeth. Damion digs his spiky heel deep into her blood-soaked abdomen.
“I reckon you’ll need medical assistance.”
He snaps his fingers.
Suddenly, they're back in the studio.
Damion is as happy as a filthy pig. Next to him is Tammy, who’s caked in blood and gore. Her corpse-of-a-husband spills from the gigantic steel barrel, taking center stage.
(Cut to overhead camera)
The contestant’s children rush the stage. They’re delirious.
The crew hurry out and drag them aside, along with Tammy, who's rushed to the hospital, where she will certainly die.
“Now that’s what I call speedy service!”
My voice appalls me. So does this job. If only I’d listened to my mother, and got into politics.
Damion snaps his finger, then disappears under a plume of dusty smoke.
(Cut to camera one)
“Well, there you have it folks. That’s the last you’ll see of Tammy and Tex. But fret not, they had their moment of fame…in Hell!”
The audience is tossing trash onto the stage.
I narrowly dodge a projectile.
“Hope you’ve enjoyed Season Two as much as I did.”
I hated it.
“And, unless the Devil strikes me down,” and he very-well might, “I hope to see you this Fall, for Season Three of…”
(Cue the audience)
“LET’S MAKE A DEAL WITH THE DEVIL.”
Season Two
Season One

Hello friends, Please help me solve this puzzle. Every once in a while for close to 20 years I scour the internet for any sign of a Pixar style short film that I saw. It was very late at night, I had young kids and I was delirious some of the time but I’m 100% sure this wasn’t a dream.
This is my best description of what I thought I saw. I hope I remember it correctly, some of it could be my imagination. I just can’t believe after all this time I’ve never been able to find it. I haven’t looked since last summer. I’ve given up hope but if anyone can solve this it’s the fine people of Reddit!
The story very much reminds me of the movie UP, but I’m positive I haven’t confused it with the film I’m looking for. It’s way too dark for Disney.
Old man and his wife live in a perfect little cottage style home with a front porch and a picket fence. Wife gets sick and passes away. The old fellow is very depressed when a cat starts coming around. I think he’s annoyed with it initially but must let her into the house eventually because as he’s about to swallow a bottle of pills the cat comes along and knocks them on the floor and saves his life. The cat was his wife reincarnated!
I’m guessing it was about fifteen minutes long and I’m sure there was no words spoken. I feel like it was all set to piano music and it may have been in black and white. This was probably on a cable station like AMC or Showcase late at night after a feature movie.

Hi everyone, first time poster here. Apologies for the mammoth post…
I’m a 34M from the UK, and although I’ve spent all my years feeling like a fish out of water, it wasn’t until the combined build up of moving in with my (now) wife, having a kid, pressures from work and then finally a global pandemic, that I finally started to ‘break down’, and the coping mechanisms I’d both consciously and unconsciously developed over the years failed me.
Obviously I’d never been a ‘perfect normal person’, but I was at least passable - especially for myself, I always assumed I was just an ‘introvert’ and (stupidly - in hindsight) assumed everyone else around me must just be an extrovert - until I wasn’t.
So, as I do with most things, I went down the rabbit hole, in search for answers. After doing some digging, ADHD seemed like a possibility. It explained a lot of my traits, it was clear that it could go unnoticed as a child and it could become more apparent with the pressures of adulthood.
So, after a few months of research and evidence gathering, I applied for a private ADHD diagnosis (NHS waitlist too long), and was diagnosed with ADHD combined type.
The diagnosis has been helpful, and I feel somewhat functional again. However, I still have a lingering feeling that there’s something more. Because while ADHD explains a good amount of my traits, there are some aspects of me that don’t fit with ADHD and aren’t ‘normal’.
So I began to research again, and, much like I realised ADHD isn’t just ‘naughty little boys’ when I began researching that, I soon discovered that Autism is more than what’s depicted in media.
Interestingly (and frustratingly, as it didn’t cross my mind before ADHD), Autism has been ‘suggested’ to me a few times in my life, but in such a ‘passing thought’ kind of way, that it just went unnoticed at the time.
I’m from a small town in the north of England, which I think is a contributing factor as to why my parents or close family ever connected the dots. None of my traits were ever a symptom of something, but just ‘me being me’.
Anyway, this is a long winded way of me saying, I know you can’t diagnose me, and I’m still working on researching and gathering info on it, but heres what I’ve noted so far, please tell me I’m not insane 😩 _____
I've always had sensory sensitivities, especially to loud and repetitive noises since childhood. Fluorescent lighting is uncomfortable for me, as is physical contact - I don’t mind it, but it’s not first on my list of things to do. Unusual sensations on my skin, such as stickiness or wetness, discomfort me, and I've disliked the seams in socks and ‘sharp’ clothing tags since I was little. High temperatures, anything above 18c, also bothers me, summer is the worst.
I still do it a little bit now, but I often walked on my tiptoes as a child, a habit noticed by my parents but never associated with any particular condition. Communicating can be a challenge for me; I can often seem unapproachable even when I don't mean to, and I have a habit of correcting minor details even when not asked. Small talk is difficult, and I much prefer one-on-one interactions with someone I know, about topics of interest, over trying to talk in a group. If theres other noise or someone else talking while I’m trying to talk or hear someone else, it basically feels impossible to speak.
I often replay conversations in my head, wondering how they could've gone better, or I’d daydream about fake scenarios where I’m ‘super smooth’ in situations that would never happen, and by daydream, i mean go over it in great detail, often adding more details along the way and re-starting it to ensure i play out the daydream with all that detail in tact. I enjoy it, but it’s also extremely exhausting sometimes.
People have said I don't express my emotions enough, especially at times when it’s expected to show excitement etc, and I frequently feel misunderstood or misinterpreted. Sudden changes or short notice plans cause me a lot of stress and anxiety. As a child I’d often be described as an 'old soul', and I have a strong sense of justice and fairness. I've experienced selective mutism, decision paralysis, and I’m sure I’ve been in burnout for the last year, from trying to meet other's expectations.
When I'm learning something new, I enjoy doing extensive research on the topic. I often ask others to clarify their questions before I answer, and I sometimes experience exhausting loops of songs or phrases in my mind, which is most frustrating when trying to sleep, makes you feel a bit delirious.
I exhibit behaviors that could suggest OCD, such as drinking in sets of four sips and needing the volume control to be on an even number. I also have physical habits like rubbing my face or eyes, skin picking, and 'vibrating' those eye muscles that make it sound like thunder in your head.
As a child, I also enjoyed looking at lens flares through my eyelashes and aligning objects from my perspective, eg when looking out of a window I’d line up the roof of a house with the edge of window blind slat. I've experienced dissociation and meltdowns and can easily get overwhelmed.
Social situations tire me out and make me hyper-aware of my body language and facial expressions. I tend to avoid these situations and am uncomfortable with guests, especially unexpected guests, in my home. When I do interact with others, I often fiddle with objects and struggle with eye contact.
I've always felt like an outsider and have tried various ways to fit in, or at least to feel somewhat adjacent to fitting in - I learnt magic tricks and became know as the ‘magic guy’ at school, didn’t really make me any friends, but it did feel good to purposefully bamboozle people for a change.
When I started high school, I studied body language, to try and learn to understand people better, as I finished school and began 6th form, I found myself mimicking peers who I thought were 'cool', and even researching pick-up artist techniques, in an attempt to try and ‘reinvent’ myself. I also realised that I used to kind of ‘absorb’ some of the personality of tv show characters I liked, I remember feeling like I was able to just watch something and then be able to copy it.
Despite these efforts, I still feel like I'm on the outside looking in, unable to fully participate.
Justice and fairness are extremely important to me, and I often feel like I'm the only one in my environment who cares about these values.
At work, I was nicknamed ‘the oracle’ and I’m seen at the person who can answer any questions someone might have. This became a big issue for me and lead to me feeling burnt out, as people would often literally use me instead of Google, for IT issues etc (I’m not in IT), people like to blow smoke and act like they come to me because I’m smart and I know ‘everything’, but for me it feels more like everyone is lazy and also disrespectful of my time since every question I’m asked takes time away from my actual role. It’s exhausting.
Unless I’m starving, I struggle to recognize when I'm hungry.
As a child, I used to take apart toys to understand how they worked. I often feel misunderstood when I try to provide context or explanations for my actions, as others see them as excuses, but I fail to see how having more context in order to form an opinion could be anything but a good thing.
——
That’s what I’ve put together so far, but I also need to dig out the notes that I put together for my ADHD research, as a lot of that would be relevant too. It’s frustrating that when you apply for a diagnosis, unless you want to pay a literal fortune, they only look out for what you asked for… wasteful.

Hi everyone, first time poster here. Apologies for the mammoth post…
I’m a 34M from the UK, and although I’ve spent all my years feeling like a fish out of water, it wasn’t until the combined build up of moving in with my (now) wife, having a kid, pressures from work and then finally a global pandemic, that I finally started to ‘break down’, and the coping mechanisms I’d both consciously and unconsciously developed over the years failed me.
Obviously I’d never been a ‘perfect normal person’, but I was at least passable - especially for myself, I always assumed I was just an ‘introvert’ and (stupidly - in hindsight) assumed everyone else around me must just be an extrovert - until I wasn’t.
So, as I do with most things, I went down the rabbit hole, in search for answers. After doing some digging, ADHD seemed like a possibility. It explained a lot of my traits, it was clear that it could go unnoticed as a child and it could become more apparent with the pressures of adulthood.
So, after a few months of research and evidence gathering, I applied for a private ADHD diagnosis (NHS waitlist too long), and was diagnosed with ADHD combined type.
The diagnosis has been helpful, and I feel somewhat functional again. However, I still have a lingering feeling that there’s something more. Because while ADHD explains a good amount of my traits, there are some aspects of me that don’t fit with ADHD and aren’t ‘normal’.
So I began to research again, and, much like I realised ADHD isn’t just ‘naughty little boys’ when I began researching that, I soon discovered that Autism is more than what’s depicted in media.
Interestingly (and frustratingly, as it didn’t cross my mind before ADHD), Autism has been ‘suggested’ to me a few times in my life, but in such a ‘passing thought’ kind of way, that it just went unnoticed at the time.
I’m from a small town in the north of England, which I think is a contributing factor as to why my parents or close family ever connected the dots. None of my traits were ever a symptom of something, but just ‘me being me’.
Anyway, this is a long winded way of me saying, I know you can’t diagnose me, and I’m still working on researching and gathering info on it, but heres what I’ve noted so far, please tell me I’m not insane 😩
I've always had sensory sensitivities, especially to loud and repetitive noises since childhood. Fluorescent lighting is uncomfortable for me, as is physical contact - I don’t mind it, but it’s not first on my list of things to do. Unusual sensations on my skin, such as stickiness or wetness, discomfort me, and I've disliked the seams in socks and ‘sharp’ clothing tags since I was little. High temperatures, anything above 18c, also bothers me, summer is the worst.
I still do it a little bit now, but I often walked on my tiptoes as a child, a habit noticed by my parents but never associated with any particular condition. Communicating can be a challenge for me; I can often seem unapproachable even when I don't mean to, and I have a habit of correcting minor details even when not asked. Small talk is difficult, and I much prefer one-on-one interactions with someone I know, about topics of interest, over trying to talk in a group. If theres other noise or someone else talking while I’m trying to talk or hear someone else, it basically feels impossible to speak.
I often replay conversations in my head, wondering how they could've gone better, or I’d daydream about fake scenarios where I’m ‘super smooth’ in situations that would never happen, and by daydream, i mean go over it in great detail, often adding more details along the way and re-starting it to ensure i play out the daydream with all that detail in tact. I enjoy it, but it’s also extremely exhausting sometimes.
People have said I don't express my emotions enough, especially at times when it’s expected to show excitement etc, and I frequently feel misunderstood or misinterpreted. Sudden changes or short notice plans cause me a lot of stress and anxiety. As a child I’d often be described as an 'old soul', and I have a strong sense of justice and fairness. I've experienced selective mutism, decision paralysis, and I’m sure I’ve been in burnout for the last year, from trying to meet other's expectations.
When I'm learning something new, I enjoy doing extensive research on the topic. I often ask others to clarify their questions before I answer, and I sometimes experience exhausting loops of songs or phrases in my mind, which is most frustrating when trying to sleep, makes you feel a bit delirious.
I exhibit behaviors that could suggest OCD, such as drinking in sets of four sips and needing the volume control to be on an even number. I also have physical habits like rubbing my face or eyes, skin picking, and 'vibrating' those eye muscles that make it sound like thunder in your head.
As a child, I also enjoyed looking at lens flares through my eyelashes and aligning objects from my perspective, eg when looking out of a window I’d line up the roof of a house with the edge of window blind slat. I've experienced dissociation and meltdowns and can easily get overwhelmed.
Social situations tire me out and make me hyper-aware of my body language and facial expressions. I tend to avoid these situations and am uncomfortable with guests, especially unexpected guests, in my home. When I do interact with others, I often fiddle with objects and struggle with eye contact.
I've always felt like an outsider and have tried various ways to fit in, or at least to feel somewhat adjacent to fitting in - I learnt magic tricks and became know as the ‘magic guy’ at school, didn’t really make me any friends, but it did feel good to purposefully bamboozle people for a change.
When I started high school, I studied body language, to try and learn to understand people better, as I finished school and began 6th form, I found myself mimicking peers who I thought were 'cool', and even researching pick-up artist techniques, in an attempt to try and ‘reinvent’ myself. I also realised that I used to kind of ‘absorb’ some of the personality of tv show characters I liked, I remember feeling like I was able to just watch something and then be able to copy it.
Despite these efforts, I still feel like I'm on the outside looking in, unable to fully participate.
Justice and fairness are extremely important to me, and I often feel like I'm the only one in my environment who cares about these values.
At work, I was nicknamed ‘the oracle’ and I’m seen at the person who can answer any questions someone might have. This became a big issue for me and lead to me feeling burnt out, as people would often literally use me instead of Google, for IT issues etc (I’m not in IT), people like to blow smoke and act like they come to me because I’m smart and I know ‘everything’, but for me it feels more like everyone is lazy and also disrespectful of my time since every question I’m asked takes time away from my actual role. It’s exhausting.
Unless I’m starving, I struggle to recognize when I'm hungry.
As a child, I used to take apart toys to understand how they worked. I often feel misunderstood when I try to provide context or explanations for my actions, as others see them as excuses, but I fail to see how having more context in order to form an opinion could be anything but a good thing.
——
That’s what I’ve put together so far, but I also need to dig out the notes that I put together for my ADHD research, as a lot of that would be relevant too. It’s frustrating that when you apply for a diagnosis, unless you want to pay a literal fortune, they only look out for what you asked for… wasteful.

73 and alcohol induced dementia. Lives alone. One DUI, One busted arm from passing out drunk.
She won't move downstate and lives 4 hours away. A few weeks ago she fell again, and the neighbors found her and took her to the hospital. Called us to say they are concerned about her and her state. Wife went up and it's bad, but she refused to leave her home. So she got fixed up and went home.
Got a call from the neighbor again, so my wife went up and cleaned up the house. She's basically a hermit and can't/won't care for herself. Home is in disrepair, she neglects her hygiene, and while recovering from her last fall just parked herself on the couch. Soiled herself, barly ate. Wife went up, cleaned up her and the house, and took her to the hospital. She had some busted ribs and they diagnosed her with alcoholim and dementia. Said she had to go to rehab and can't stay at home to take care of herself but she refused all treatment and went home.
Recovering from that, she got ill again. Wr thibk pneumonia. She decided to drive herself to the doctors (after stopping for a handle of vodka) and somehow went into the shoulder of the road and nailed a mail carrier truck that was stopped delivering mail. We don't know if she was drunk, as she couldn't blow from her sore lungs. Cops said she was in a delirious state. Didn't know the president, last holiday, etc etc.
So now she's in the hospital recovering.
I can't take this shit anymore - how do we get PoA and get get in a home? I won't pay a dime until I know she is tapped out.

I'd like to start off by saying that my pregnancy was not planned, but was still very welcomed by both me and my boyfriend. We are very happy and wouldn't have it any other way... but damn is it hard to be happy when I feel like the world is against us.
It's impossible to be comfortable on one income. Two bedroom apartments are insanely expensive (don't even get me started on buying a home). Daycare is insanely expensive, especially if you have more than one kid. Cost of food and formula is through the roof. The cost of maternity care and birth is enough to set you back years. It's somehow considered lucky to have paid parental leave.
I get told all the time that this should be the happiest time of my life. That I'm carrying a miracle and should feel blessed. That this is the best thing I will ever do... and yet I've never felt more unappreciated and undervalued in my entire life. We all struggle during this time. The nausea, vomiting, fatigue, pain, discomfort, insomnia, restless legs, hormones, headaches, the sweating, the itching, the bathroom issues, etc... and that's just pregnancy. Don't forget birth and breast feeding and having to suffer the long term affects this all has on your body. But damn us if we complain or ask for accomodations right? Suddenly it's just what we're supposed to do. It's normal. Its no big deal.
I lost 10% of my body weight in two weeks during my first trimester. I was delirious for weeks from being dehydrated and malnourished because my nausea was so bad I cried when I consumed anything. I fainted multiple times and was too scared to shower alone for months incase something happened. It took having a breakdown in my doctor's office and begging to be taken seriously to finally get a note for leave from work. It's been a month since I've gotten that note and my leave still hasn't been approved because there's a lack of communication between HR, Lincoln financial, and my doctors office. I've sent dozens of emails, talked to several people, left handfuls of voicemails, and yet no word back about my supposedly approved paid leave request.
What has happened that it's so hard to start a family? That's it's so hard to support a family? That it's so hard to keep my job in the process? I'm so stressed out and so tired and just so... done. I feel like a failure and nothing I've done has been in anyone's best interest ir been at all productive. Haven't been working and haven't been able to figure things out with them, haven't been in good enough health to be a good wife, and feel so far behind on baby prepping because we're moving 4 weeks before my due date.
I just don't know how anyone can do this. It feels impossible like there's always something stopping me from making any process.

hey leaves - Been inspired by some of the stories on here and ultimately it lead me to take the plunge into sobriety.35 (M).
Near constant toker for about 16+ years here.It got worse during the pandemic since WFH made it easy to be high at home all day and night.I quit booze a year ago and now I have been weed free for about a week.Had a near delirious episode a few weeks back while smoking and decided it was time. Baseline Anxiety has decreased as I stopped the bud intake.
Gave away / sold my weed and bong - and it honestly hasn't been too bad... until a few days ago.A few questions:

• For the fellas here - I'm 35 M and my libido has been shot for a while - likely due to constant self medication - does anyone have any anecdotal info or resources on this?
• Brain fog and boredom - less interesed in hobbyies and art - I used to love all this stuff - did you come back to art or hobbies after quitting? How long if I can ask?
• Resources for recovery and timelines with scientific backing - My wife seems unconvinced that my withdrawal would have any effect (hint: i'm less anxious and now hitting the "blue" stage likely due to less chemically induced dopamine) - any resources I could share or reference? She supports my quitting don't mistake me - but would like to clarifying that this is not an easy swap without "rebooting"

On top of all this, I'm looking for new work and the financial strain in this household has been tough. It's getting better but at this time, I cannot afford to go back to therapy. (likely a needed step soon)My contribution to those going through this is:

• getting good sleep and going to the gym has been immensely helpful and I encourage those struggling with quitting to chuck the dope and paraphernalia and get some gym time and cardio in. Movement seems to help me out vs sitting in my former weed den wondering what's next.
• Tapering off to lower quality weed - on the surface seemed to help. Was smoking high grade and my most recent bag was outdoor cheapo stuff. Just make sure you actually quit vs driving in the slow lane forever! (again - actually quit - I don't wanna be responsible for hampering your progess - you got this!)

Thank you all, I'm honored to be among you as we all go through this together.

I lost my dad last night. I'm 27. I know that's not super young but I still feel like it's WAY too soon.
He was 77, had congestive heart failure and had to have spinal surgery back in December. It lasted for 14 hours (it wasn't supposed to last nearly that long) and when he came out he was very weak and for many, many weeks delirious. He came back in the last few months and we were even able to see a Broadway show together not even three weeks ago. His lungs and heart began failing again a little after that and last night he was gone.
It's surreal. I feel like when I go home (we're still staying at a hotel near the hospital) it's going to hit 100x as hard that we will never see each other again. We were so, so close and I have no idea how I'll recover from this. Logically, I know I will, but it feels impossible right now.
I am so fortunate that I saw him nearly every single day in these last few weeks and even got to hold him while he died. My mom, my wife, and my half siblings all had a hand on him in his last moments. But I still feel like it wasn't enough, that no time would ever be enough with him. I keep listening to old voicemails on my phone to hear him say he loves me.
He was the most incredible person I will ever know and we shared so many similarities. We were both recovering from major surgeries AND both got blood transfusions because of it in December. I have to have another surgery in September and I feel like I will be so lost without him. All I want is one more conversation or one more hug. I miss him so, so much.

Prices FIRM - CashApp/Venmo/PayPal Friends & Family
Disney/Marvel titles are split codes. Only redeem what you pay for. Thank you.
10 Cloverfield Lane (2016) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6
12 Monkeys (1995) (MA/4K) $3.50
1917 (2019) (MA/4K) $6 (MA/HD) $3.50
21 Bridges (2019) (iTunes/4K) $3
21 Jump Street (2012) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD) $2.75
22 Jump Street (2014) (MA/HD) $4.50 (MA/SD) $1.75
3 From Hell (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $3.50
31 (2016) (Vudu/HD) $2.50
355, The (2022) (MA/HD) $5.75
47 Meters Down: Uncaged (2019) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/4K) $4.75
47 Ronin (2013) (MA/4K) $5.75 (iTunes/4K) $4 (MA/HD) $3.50
80 for Brady (2023) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/4K) $6.75
A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (2019) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD) $5.75
A Clockwork Orange (1972) (MA/4K) $6.50
A Cure for Wellness (2017) (MA/HD) $4
A Dog's Way Home (2019) (MA/HD) $3.75
Abominable (2019) (MA/4K) $7.50 (MA/HD) $6.25
About Time (2013) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $5.25
Ad Astra (2019) (MA/HD) $4.75
Addams Family 2 (2021) (iTunes/4K) $5.50
Adrift (2018) (iTunes/HD) $2.50
Aladdin (1992) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD) $3.25 (GP/HD) $2.25
Aladdin (2019) (MA/4K) $6 (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $4.25 (GP/HD) $1.50
Alice Through the Looking Glass (2016) (MA/HD) $5.50 (GP/HD) $4
Alien Collection 1-6 (MA/HD) $19.50 1-4 (MA/SD) $9
Alita: Battle Angel (2019) (MA/4K) $5.50 (MA/HD) $4
All Eyez on Me (2017) (Vudu/HD) $2.50 (iTunes/HD) $1.75
All is Lost (2013) (Vudu/HD) $4
Allied (2016) (iTunes/4K) $4.50 (Vudu/HD) $3.75
Almost Famous (2000) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6.25
Amazing Spider-Man (2012) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $4.50
Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $5.50
Ambulance (2022) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD) $4.25
American Assassin (2017) (Vudu/4K) $5.75 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3
American Gangster (Extended Edition) (2007) (MA/4K) $7.25 (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $6.25
American Made (2017) (MA/4K) $7.25 (MA/HD) $4.25
American Underdog (2021) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $4.75
Amsterdam (2022) (MA/HD) $5 (GP/HD) $3.75
Anastasia (1997) (MA/HD) $6.25
Angel Has Fallen (2019) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $5.25
Angel Heart (1987) (Vudu/4K) $6
Anna (2019) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $4.50
Annihilation (2018) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/4K) $2.50
Antebellum (2020) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $5.50
Antlers (2021) (GP/HD) $4
Ant-Man (2015) (MA/4K) $6.25 (iTunes/4K) $5 (MA/HD) $4.50 (GP/HD) $2.25
Ant-Man and the Wasp (2018) (MA/4K) $8 (iTunes/4K) $6.25 (GP/HD) $3.25
Antz (1998) (MA/HD) $5.75
Apocalypse Now (3 Versions) (Vudu/4K) $6.50
Apollo 13 (1995) (MA/4K) $6 (MA/HD) $4.75
Aqua Teen Forever: Plantasm (2022) (MA/HD) $4.75
Arnold Schwarzenegger 6-Movie (Vudu/HD) $13.50
Arrival (2016) (Vudu/4K) $6.75 (Vudu/HD) $2.25 (iTunes/4K) $4
Assassination Nation (2018) (MA/HD) $4.75
Assassin's Creed (2016) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2
Atomic Blonde (2017) (MA/4K) $5 (iTunes/4K) $3.25 (MA/HD) $2.25
Avengers 1-4 (MA/4K) $25 (iTunes/4K) $20 (GP/HD) $7.75
Baby Driver (2017) (MA/HD) $3.75
Babylon (2022) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/4K) $6.25
Back to the Future Collection 1-3 (MA/4K) $15 (MA/HD) $7.50
Backdraft (1991) (MA/4K) $7
Bad Boys Collection 1-3 (MA/HD) $12
Bad Boys for Life (2020) (MA/4K) $5.75 (MA/HD) $3.50
Bad Guys, The (2022) (MA/4K) $8 (MA/HD) $4.25
Bad Times at The El Royale (2018) (MA/4K) $7.75 (MA/HD) $5.75
Bambi II (2006) (MA/HD) $6.25 (GP/HD) $4.50
Band of Brothers (2001) (GP/HD) $3.75 No Port
Bank Job, The (2008) (Vudu/HD) $3.25
Banshees of Inisherin (2022) (MA/HD) $6 (GP/HD) $4.50
Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar (2021) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $5
BASEketball (1998) (MA/HD) $4
Batman and Superman: Battle of the Super Sons (2022) (MA/4K) $6 (MA/HD) $4.75
Batman Year One (2011) (MA/4K) $5
Batman, The (2022) (MA/4K) $5.25 (MA/HD) $3
Batman: The Doom That Came to Gotham (2022) (MA/4K) $7.50 (MA/HD) $6.25
Batman: The Long Halloween Deluxe Edition (2022) (MA/HD) $6
Battleship (2012) (MA/4K) $4.50 (MA/HD) $1.50 (iTunes/4K) $3.25
Baywatch (2017) (Vudu/4K) $5.75 (iTunes/4K) $2 (Vudu/HD) $1.50
Beast (2022) (MA/HD) $5.75
Being John Malkovich (1999) (MA/HD) $3.50
Belfast (2021) (MA/HD) $5.50
Belly (1998) (Vudu/4K) $4.75
Beverly Hills Cop (1984) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $4.50
Big Lebowski (1998) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $6
Big Short (2015) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3.25
Birth of the Dragon (2017) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.25
Black Adam (2022) (MA/4K) $7.25 (MA/HD) $4.25
Black Panther (2018) (MA/4K) $6 (iTunes/4K) $4.25 (GP/HD) $1.75
Black Panther: Wakanda Forever (2022) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $3.75 (GP/HD) $2.50
Black Phone, The (2021) (MA/HD) $5
Black Widow (2021) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $4.75 (GP/HD) $3.25
Blacklight (2022) (MA/HD) $4.25
Blindspotting (2018) (Vudu/4K) $5.25 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $4.75
Blockers (2018) (MA/HD) $3
Blue Crush (2002) (MA/HD) $4
Blues Brothers (1980) (iTunes/4K) Ports to MA $6
Blues Brothers + Unrated (1980) (MA/4K) $7
Bob's Burgers Movie (2022) (MA/HD) $3.25 (GP/HD) $2.25
Bodyguard, The (1992) (MA/HD) $5
Bohemian Rhapsody (2018) (MA/4K) $5 (MA/HD) $3.25
Bond: Quantum of Solace (2008) (Vudu/HD) $6
Bond: Skyfall (2012) (Vudu/4K) $5.75 (Vudu/HD) $1
Book Club (2018) (Vudu/HD) $2 (iTunes/4K) $1
Book of Henry (2017) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $5
Booksmart (2019) (MA/HD) $5.25
Born a Champion (2021) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $5.50
Boss Baby (2017) & Family Business (2021) (MA/HD) $5.75
Boss Baby: Family Business (2021) (MA/HD) $4.50
Bourne Collection 1-5 (MA/4K) $25 (iTunes/4K) $19 (MA/HD) $15
Boxtrolls, The (2014) (iTunes/HD) $4.75
Brave (2012) (iTunes/4K) $6.25 (GP/HD) $4.50
Braveheart (1995) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6.25 (Vudu/HD) $5
Breakfast Club (1985) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $5.25
Breakfast Club (1985), Weird Science (2008), Sixteen Candles (1984) (MA/HD) $11.50
Breakthrough (2019) (MA/4K) $6
Brian Banks (2019) (MA/HD) $4.25
Bridesmaids (2011) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $3.50
Brightburn (2019) (MA/HD) $6.75
Bullet Train (2022) (MA/4K) $5.75 (MA/HD) $4.25
Bumblebee (2018) (Vudu/4K) $4.75 (Vudu/HD) $1.75 (iTunes/4K) $2
Cabin in the Woods (2012) (iTunes/4K) $2.75 (Vudu/HD) $2
Call of the Wild (2020) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $1.50 (GP/HD) $1.25
Captain Fantastic (2016) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4
Captain Marvel (2019) (MA/4K) $5 (iTunes/4K) $4 (GP/HD) $1.75
Card Counter, The (2021) (MA/HD) $5
Cars 1-3 (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $16.50 (GP/HD) $9
Casablanca (1943) (MA/4K) $6.25
Celebrating Mickey (2018) (MA/HD) $5.50
Chaos Walking (2021) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $5
Charlie's Angels (2000) (MA/4K) $7.75
Charlie's Angels (2019) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $5.50
Chasing Amy (1997) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3.75
Chicago (2002) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $5
Chicken Run (2000) (MA/HD) $5.25
Choice, The (2016) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3.25
Christopher Robin (2018) (MA/HD) $5.25 (GP/HD) $4
Chronicle (2012) (MA/HD) $4.50
Cinderella 'Camila Cabello' (2021) (MA/HD) $4.50
Cinderella III: A Twist in Time (2007) (MA/HD) $6.50 (GP/HD) $5
Clerks III (2022) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $5.50
Clifford the Big Red Dog (2021) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3.50
Cloverfield (2008) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6.75
Coco (2017) (MA/4K) $6.50 (iTunes/4K) $5.25 (GP/HD) $2.25
Cold Pursuit (2019) (Vudu/4K) $6.50 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3
Coming to America (1988) (Vudu/4K) $4.75 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3.25
Commuter (2018) (Vudu/4K) $6.25 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $2.50
Conan The Barbarian (2011) (Vudu/4K) $5
Constantine: The House of Mystery (2022) (MA/HD) $3.50
Contractor (2022) (Vudu/4K) $7 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $4.50
Courier, The (2020) (Vudu/4K) $5 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $4.50
Crash (2004) (Vudu/HD) $5.25
Crawl (2019) (Vudu/HD) $3 (iTunes/4K) $2
Croods (2013) & A New Age (2020) (MA/HD) $6.75
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2001) (MA/4K) $7.75
Cruella (2021) (MA/4K) $5.75 (MA/HD) $3.50 (GP/HD) $2.50
Da Vinci Code (2006) (MA/HD) $7
Daddy's Home 1-2 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $5.25
Daddy's Home 2 (2017) (Vudu/4K) $4.50 (iTunes/4K) $2 (Vudu/HD) $2.25
Dances With Wolves (1990) (Vudu/HD) $6
Daniel Craig Collection 5-Movie (Vudu/4K) $20
Dark Tower (2017) (MA/HD) $3
Dawn of The Planet of The Apes (2014) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $4
Day After Tomorrow (2004) (MA/HD) $6.75
DC League of Super-Pets (2022) (MA/4K) $8 (MA/HD) $5
Deadpool (2016) (MA/4K) $6 (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2
Deadpool 2 (2018) (MA/4K) $6.25 (MA/HD) $3.25
Dear Evan Hansen (2021) (MA/HD) $4.25
Death on the Nile (2022) (MA/4K) $7.25 (MA/HD) $5.25 (GP/HD) $3.50
Death Wish (2018) (Vudu/HD) $2.25
Deepwater Horizon (2016) (Vudu/4K) $5 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $2.50
Dentist Collection 1-2 (1996-1998) (Vudu/HD) $5.75
Detective Knight Collection 1-3 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $15 $5.75 Each
Detroit (2017) (iTunes/4K) $4.75
Devil Inside (2012) (Vudu/HD) $3.75
Devil's Due (2014) (MA/HD) $2.75
Devotion (2022) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $6.50
Diary of a Wimpy Kid (2010) (MA/HD) $4.50
Die Hard (1988) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $4
Die Hard 1-5 (MA/HD) $16 $4.75 Each
Dirty Dancing (1987) (Vudu/4K) $5 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $4.50
Dirty Grandpa (2016) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6
Disaster Artist, The (2017) (Vudu/HD) $6.25
Django Unchained (2012) (Vudu/HD) $2.50
Do the Right Thing (1989) (MA/4K) $6
Doctor Strange (2016) (MA/4K) $6.50 (iTunes/4K) $4.25 (MA/HD) $3.75 (GP/HD) $2
Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (2022) (MA/4K) $6 (MA/HD) $2.75 (GP/HD) $2
Dog (2022) (Vudu/HD) $3.25
Dolittle (2020) (MA/4K) $6 (MA/HD) $3.50
Don't Breathe 2 (2021) (MA/HD) $7.50
Don't Worry Darling (2022) (MA/HD) $5.50
Doors (1991) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $4
Dora and the Lost City of Gold (2019) (Vudu/HD) $5.25 (iTunes/4K) $4.25
Downsizing (2017) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $1.25
Downton Abbey (2019) (MA/HD) $5.50
Downton Abbey: A New Era (2022) (MA/HD) $4
Dracula 2000 (2000), II: Ascension (2003) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $10.50
Dracula Untold (2014) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $2.75 (iTunes/4K) $4
Draft Day (2014) (Vudu/HD) $3.25 (iTunes/HD) $2.50
Dragged Across Concrete (2019) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3.25
Dragonheart 5-Movie (MA/HD) $15
Drive (2011) (MA/HD) $4.25
Dumb and Dumber To (2014) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4
Dumbo (2019) (MA/4K) $6 (iTunes/4K) $5.25 (GP/HD) $2.50
Dune (2021) (MA/4K) $5
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982) (MA/4K) $6 (iTunes/4K) $5 (MA/HD) $3
Earth Girls Are Easy (1988) (Vudu/HD) $5.75
Edward Scissorhands (1990) (MA/HD) $3
Elvis (2022) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD) $4
Elysium (2013) & District 9 (2009) (MA/HD) $7.75
Elysium (2013) (MA/HD) $3.25
Encanto (2021) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) (GP/4K) $3.50
Equalizer 2 (2018) (MA/4K) $7.25 (MA/HD) $2.75
Escape from L.A (1996) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6
Eternals (2021) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD) $4.50 (GP/HD) $3
Evan Almighty (2007) (MA/HD) $4
Everest (2015) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $3 (iTunes/4K) $4
Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022) (Vudu/4K) $8
Ex Machina (2015) (Vudu/4K) $6.50 (Vudu/HD) $4
Exodus: Gods and Kings (2014) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $3
Expendables 1-3 (Vudu/HD) $4.50
Eyes of Tammy Faye (2021) (GP/HD) $4.25
F9: The Fast Saga + Director's Cut (2021) (MA/4K) $5.25 (MA/HD) $3.25
Fabelmans (2022) (MA/HD) $6.50
Fahrenheit 451 (2018) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.50 (GP/HD) $3
Fantastic Beasts Collection 1-3 (MA/HD) $8
Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets of Dumbledore (2022) (MA/4K) $5.25 (MA/HD) $3
Fantastic Four (2015) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $4.50
Farewell, The (2019) (Vudu/HD) $5.50
Fast & Furious Collection 1-8 (MA/4K) $27.50 1-9 (MA/HD) $10
Fatale (2020) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $3.75
Father Stu (2022) (MA/HD) $5.50
Fatherhood (2021) (MA/HD) $3.75
Ferdinand (2017) (MA/HD) $3.50
Field of Dreams (1989) (MA/4K) $7.50 (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $6
Fifth Element (1997) (MA/4K) $8 (MA/HD) $6.75
Fifty Shades of Grey 3-Movie + Unrated (MA/HD) $9.75
Fighter, The (2010) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $5
Finding Dory (2016) (MA/4K) $5.75 (iTunes/4K) $3.50 (GP/HD) $1.25
Finding Nemo (2003) (MA/4K) $6.75 (iTunes/4K) $5.25 (GP/HD) $3
Finest Hours, The (2016) (MA/HD) $6.25 (GP/HD) $3.75
First Man (2018) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD) $4.25
Flashdance (1983) (Vudu/4K) $6.75
Flatliners (2017) (MA/HD) $4.25
Flushed Away (2006) (MA/HD) $6.50
Ford v Ferrari (2019) (MA/4K) $7.75 (MA/HD) $4.75
Forever My Girl (2018) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3.75
Forever Purge (2021) (MA/HD) $5.50
Forrest Gump (1994) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $5.50
Fox and the Hound (1981) (MA/HD) $6.50 (GP/HD) $5
Frankenstein (1931) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.50
Free Guy (2021) (MA/4K) $7.50 (MA/HD) $4.75 (GP/HD) $3.25
French Dispatch (2021) (MA/HD) $4.75 (GP/HD) $3.50
Fried Green Tomatoes (1991) (MA/HD) $4
Fruitvale Station (2014) (Vudu/HD) $4
Fury (2014) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $4.50
G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3.75
Gamer (2009) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $5.50
Garfield (2004) (MA/HD) $6.50
Gate, The (1987) (Vudu/SD) $4.25
Gemini Man (2019) (Vudu/4K) $5.75 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $2.25
Ghost in the Shell (1995) (Animated) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $4
Ghost In The Shell (2017) (Vudu/HD) $2.25 (iTunes/4K) $2.75
Ghostbusters: Afterlife (2021) (MA/4K) $7.50 (MA/HD) $3.50
Girl on the Train (2016) (iTunes/4K) $2.25 (MA/HD) $2.50
Girl with All the Gifts, The (2016) (Vudu/HD) $5
Gladiator (2000) (Vudu/4K) $6.25 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $5
Glass (2019) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $4.50
Glory (1989) (MA/4K) $7.75
Godfather Trilogy (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $14
Gods of Egypt (2016) (Vudu/4K) $5.25 (Vudu/HD) $2 (iTunes/4K) $1.50
Godzilla (1998) (MA/4K) $8
Godzilla (2014) (MA/4K) $5
Gone Girl (2014) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $5.75
Good Boys (2019) (MA/HD) $3.25
Good Will Hunting (1997) (Vudu/HD) $5.25
Goosebumps 2 (2018) (MA/4K) $7.50 (MA/HD) $6.50
Gotti (2018) (Vudu/HD) $2
Grand Budapest Hotel (2014) (MA/HD) $3.75
Grease (1978), 2 (1982), Live! (2016) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $14
Greatest Showman (2017) (MA/HD) $2.25
Green Book (2018) (MA/4K) $7.25 (MA/HD) $5
Green Knight (2021) (Vudu/4K) $5.25
Green Lantern: Beware My Power (2022) (MA/HD) $3.25
Green Mile, The (1999) (MA/4K) $6
Greta (2019) (MA/HD) $5.25
Grey, The (2012) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $2.75
Groundhog Day (1993) (MA/4K) $8
Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) (MA/4K) $7.25 (iTunes/4K) $5 (MA/HD) $4.50 (GP/HD) $1.75
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017) (MA/4K) $6.75 (iTunes/4K) $4.25 (GP/HD) $1.25
Hacksaw Ridge (2016) (Vudu/4K) $4.50 (iTunes/4K) $3.50 (Vudu/HD) $2.25
Halloween (2018) (MA/4K) $6.25 (MA/HD) $4.25
Halloween Ends (2022) (MA/4K) $6.25 (MA/HD) $4.50
Halloween H20: 20 Years Later (1998), The Curse of Michael Myers (1995), Resurrection (2002) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $10.50
Halloween Kills (2021) (MA/4K) $6 (MA/HD) $4.25
Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $2.50
Happy Feet (2006) (MA/HD) $4
Happytime Murders (2018) (iTunes/4K) $1.75
Hardcore Henry (2016) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3.50
Harriet (2019) (MA/HD) $4.25
Hate U Give (2018) (MA/4K) $7.75 (MA/HD) $4.50
Haunting in Connecticut (2009) (Vudu/HD) $6.50
Heat, The (2013) (MA/HD) $2.25 (iTunes/SD) $1
Heat: Director's Definitive Edition (1995) (MA/4K) $6 (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $5.25
Heaven is for Real (2014) (MA/HD) $2.75
Hell Fest (2018) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $3.75
Hell or High Water (2016) (Vudu/4K) $5.25 (Vudu/HD) $2.25 (iTunes/4K) $3.75
Hellboy (2004) (MA/4K) $7.75
Hellboy (2019) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $4.25
Hercules (2014) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $1.50
Hereditary (2018) (Vudu/HD) $3.75
Hidden Figures (2016) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2
Highlander (1986) (Vudu/4K) $5
Hitman's Bodyguard (2017) (Vudu/4K) $6.25 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $4.25
Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard (2021) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $4.75
Hobbs & Shaw (2019) (MA/4K) $5.75 (MA/HD) $3.75
Hocus Pocus (1993) (MA/4K) $6.75 (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $4.75 (GP/HD) $2.25
Holiday Inn (1942) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3
Holmes And Watson (2018) (MA/HD) $3.75
Home Alone 1-2 (MA/HD) $7.50
Hope Springs (2012) (MA/HD) $2.50
Hostiles (2017) (Vudu/4K) $4.75 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3
Hotel Mumbai (2019) (MA/HD) $5.25
Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation (2018) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD) $4.50
House of 1,000 Corpses (2003), Devil's Rejects (2005), 3 From Hell (2019) (Vudu/HD) $6
House of Gucci (2021) (iTunes/4K) $5
House of the Dragon: Season 1 (2022) (Vudu/4K) $9 (Vudu/HD) $5.50
House with a Clock in Its Walls (2018) (MA/4K) $6 (MA/HD) $3.75
How to Train Your Dragon (2010) (MA/4K) $6.50
How to Train Your Dragon Collection 1-3 (MA/HD) $7.50 $4.75 Each
How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World (2019) (MA/4K) $6 (MA/HD) $4.25
Howard the Duck (1986) (MA/4K) $7
Hulk, The (2003) (iTunes/4K) $6.50
Hunger Games Collection 1-4 (Vudu/HD) $6 (iTunes/4K) $12
Hunt for Red October (1990) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $4.75
Hunter Killer (2018) (Vudu/4K) $5.75 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $2.75
Hurt Locker (2008) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6.25
Hustle, The (2019) (iTunes/4K) $2.75
Hustlers (2019) (iTunes/4K) $3
I Feel Pretty (2018) (iTunes/HD) $1
I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry (2007) (MA/HD) $3.50
I See You (2019) (iTunes/HD) $2.50
I, Frankenstein (2014) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $1.75
I, Tonya (2017) (MA/HD) $5.75
If I Stay (2014) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $5.75
Imitation Game, The (2014) (Vudu/HD) $3.25
Immortal Life Of Henrietta Lacks (2017) (iTunes/HD) $3.50
In the Heights (2021) (MA/4K) $5
Incredible Hulk (2008) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $5
Incredibles (2004) (MA/4K) $7.75 (iTunes/4K) $6.25 (GP/HD) $4.75
Incredibles 2 (2018) (MA/4K) $6.25 (iTunes/4K) $4.50 (GP/HD) $2
Independence Day (1996) (MA/4K) $7.75 (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $5.50
Indiana Jones 1-4 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $20
Infinite (2021) (Vudu/4K) $5.75 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $5
Inglorious Bastards (2009) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $6
Inside Out (2015) (MA/4K) $5.75 (iTunes/4K) $4.25 (GP/HD) $1.50
Instant Family (2018) (Vudu/HD) $2 (iTunes/4K) $1.50
Insurgent (2015) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $4.25 (Vudu/HD) $3.50
Interstellar (2014) (Vudu/4K) $6 (iTunes/4K) $5.75 (Vudu/HD) $4
Invisible Man (2020) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $3.75
Iron Man 1-3 (MA/4K) $21 (iTunes/4K) $16 (GP/HD) $7.50
Iron Man and Hulk: Heroes United (2013) (MA/HD) $5.50
Iron Man Collection 1-4 (MA/4K) $21 (iTunes/4K) $16 (GP/HD) $7.50
It Follows (2015) (Vudu/HD) $4.50
It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World (1963) (Vudu/HD) $6.75
It's a Wonderful Life (1946) (Vudu/4K) $5.25 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $5
Jack Reacher Collection 1-2 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $7
Jack Reacher: Never Go Back (2016) (Vudu/4K) $5.50 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $2.75
Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit (2014) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3.25
Jackass Forever (2022) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $4.25
Jason Bourne (2016) (MA/4K) $5.50 (iTunes/4K) $3.50 (MA/HD) $3
Jason Statham 6-Movie (Wild Card, War, Bank Job, Transporter 3, Crank, Crank 2) (Vudu/HD) $11.50
Jaws (1975) Jaws 2 (1978) Jaws 3 (1983) Jaws: The Revenge (1987) (MA/HD) $14.50
Jesus Music, The (2021) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.50
Jexi (2019) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $3.50
Jigsaw (2017) (Vudu/4K) $5 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $2
JOBS (2013) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3.75
John Wick Collection 1-3 (Vudu/4K) $16.50 (iTunes/4K) $14.50 (Vudu/HD) $8
Judy (2019) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $3.75
Juice (1992) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6.50
Jumanji (1995) (MA/HD) $6.50
Jumanji: Next Level (2019) & Welcome to the Jungle (2017) (MA/HD) $7.50
Jumanji: The Next Level (2019) (MA/4K) $7.75 (MA/HD) $5.50
Jumanji: Welcome To The Jungle (2017) (MA/4K) $5.50 (MA/HD) $2 (MA/SD) $1
Jungle Book (1967) (MA/HD) $6 (GP/HD) $4
Jungle Book (2016) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $5.25 (GP/HD) $2.75
Jungle Cruise (2021) (MA/4K) $6 (MA/HD) $3.75 (GP/HD) $3
Jurassic World Collection 1-5 (MA/4K) $20 (iTunes/4K) $17.50 (MA/HD) $10
Jurassic World Collection 1-6 (MA/4K) $23.50 (MA/HD) $12
Jurassic World: Dominion + Extended Cut (2022) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $4.25
Justice League x RWBY Super Heroes and Huntsmen Part One (2023) (MA/HD) $4.50
Justice Society: World War II (2021) (MA/4K) $5.50
Keeping Up with the Joneses (2016) (MA/HD) $4.50
Kick-Ass (2010) (Vudu/4K) $5.75 (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.50
Kid Who Would Be King (2019) (MA/4K) $6 (MA/HD) $4.75
Kid, The (2019) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $5.25
Killer Elite (2011) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $3.25
Killing Kennedy (2013) (MA/HD) $6.50
Killing Lincoln (2013) (MA/HD) $5.25
Kin (2018) (Vudu/4K) $5.75 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3
King Kong (2005) (MA/4K) $5.75 (iTunes/4K) $3.75 (MA/HD) $3.50
King's Man (2021) (MA/HD) $4.50 (GP/HD) $3.50
Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2.75
Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $4.25
Knives Out (2019) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $5.25
Knock at the Cabin (2023) (MA/HD) $6.50
Kung Fu Panda Collection 1-3 (MA/HD) $12.50
La La Land (2016) (Vudu/HD) $2.25 (iTunes/4K) $3.75
Lady and the Tramp (1955) (MA/HD) $5.75 (GP/HD) $3.75
Last Duel, The (2021) (MA/HD) $5.25 (GP/HD) $4
Last Night in Soho (2021) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $5.75
Last Witch Hunter (2015) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $1.50
Last Word (2017) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $4.75
Legion of Super Heroes (2023) (MA/HD) $6.25
Les Miserables (2012) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $2.75
Lightyear (2022) (MA/4K) $5 (MA/HD) $2.75 (GP/HD) $2
Lilo & Stitch (2002) & Stitch Has a Glitch (2005) (MA/HD) $10.50 (GP/HD) $6
Lincoln Lawyer (2011) (Vudu/4K) $5.25 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $4.50
Lion King (1994) (MA/4K) $7 (iTunes/4K) $4.50 (GP/HD) $2.75
Lion King (2019) (MA/4K) $6 (iTunes/4K) $4 (GP/HD) $1.25
Little (2019) (MA/HD) $4.50
Little Fockers (2010) (MA/HD) $5
Little Mermaid (1989) (MA/4K) $7.50 (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $5.75 (GP/HD) $3.75
Live Die Repeat: Edge of Tomorrow (2014) (MA/4K) $5
Lock Up (1989) (Vudu/4K) $5
Logan (2017) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2.75
Logan Lucky (2017) (MA/HD) $1.50 (iTunes/4K) $2.25
Lone Ranger (2013) (MA/HD) $4.50 (GP/HD) $2.50
Lone Survivor (2013) (MA/4K) $6.75 (iTunes/4K) $2 (MA/HD) $1.50
Long Shot (2019) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $4
Longest Ride (2015) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $1.50
Looper (2012) (MA/4K) $5.75 (MA/HD) $3
Lost City, The (2022) (Vudu/4K) $6 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $5.25
Love and Monsters (2020) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $7
Luca (2021) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $3.75 (GP/HD) $3.25
Lucy (2014) (MA/HD) $2
Lyle, Lyle, Crocodile (2022) (MA/HD) $5.50
Mad Max Collection 1-4 (Vudu/4K) $20
Madagascar Collection 1-4 (MA/HD) $14
Magnificent Seven (2016) (Vudu/4K) $6 (Vudu/HD) $2.50
Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again (2018) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $1.75
Man on a Ledge (2012) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6.50
Marksman, The (2021) (MA/HD) $5.50
Marlowe (2023) (MA/HD) $7.75
Marry Me (2022) (MA/HD) $6.50
Marshall (2017) (MA/HD) $4.75
Mary Poppins Returns (2018) (MA/4K) $6.50 (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $4.50 (GP/HD) $2
Matrix: Resurrections (2021) (MA/4K) $5
Maze Runner (2014) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $5.50
Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials (2015) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $6
McFarland, USA (2015) (MA/HD) $6.25 (GP/HD) $4.50
Mechanic: Resurrection (2016) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3
Megan Leavey (2017) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $1.75
Memory (2022) (MA/HD) $3.75
Men (2022) (Vudu/HD) $4
Men in Black 3 (2012) (MA/HD) $2.50
Men in Black Collection 1-3 (MA/HD) $15.50
Men in Black II (2002) (MA/HD) $6.75
Menu (2022) (MA/HD) $5.50 (GP/HD) $4
MIB: International (2019) (MA/4K) $5.75 (MA/HD) $4.75
Mickey & Minnie 10 Classic Shorts - Volume 1 (2023) (MA/HD) $5.75 (GP/HD) $4
Midway (2019) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $4
Mile 22 (2018) (iTunes/4K) $1.75
Minions (2015) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2.75
Minions: The Rise of Gru (2022) & Minions (2015) (MA/HD) $8
Minions: The Rise of Gru (2022) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD) $5.25
Miss Bala (2019) (MA/HD) $3.75
Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children (2015) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2
Mission: Impossible Collection 1-6 (Vudu/4K) $25 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $20
Mission: Impossible Fallout (2018) (Vudu/4K) $2.75 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $2.50
Mitchells Vs. The Machines (2021) (MA/HD) $4.50
Moana (2016) (MA/4K) $7 (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $4.75 (GP/HD) $2
Money Monster (2016) (MA/HD) $3.25
Monster Hunter (2020) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $4.25
Monsters University (2013) (MA/4K) $6.75 (iTunes/4K) $5.75 (GP/HD) $3.50
Monsters vs. Aliens (2009) (MA/HD) $4.75
Monty Python's The Meaning of Life (1983) (MA/4K) $7.25
Moonfall (2022) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $5
Moonlight (2016) (Vudu/HD) $4
Morbius (2022) (MA/4K) $5.25 (MA/HD) $3.25 (MA/SD) $2.25
Mortal Engines (2018) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $2.50
Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2014) (MA/HD) $3.50
Mortal Kombat Legends: Snow Blind (2022) (MA/HD) $5.50
Mother's Day (2016) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $5
Mountain Between Us (2017) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $1.50
Mr & Mrs. Smith (2005) (MA/HD) $5.75
Mr. Peabody & Sherman (2014) (MA/HD) $3.25
Mrs. Doubtfire (1993) (MA/HD) $4
Mulan (1998) (MA/4K) $6.75 (iTunes/4K) $5.75 (GP/HD) $3
Mulan (2020) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $4 (GP/HD) $2.25
Mulan 2 (2005) (MA/HD) $3.75 (GP/HD) $2.75
Mummy, The (1999) (MA/4K) $4
Mummy, The (2017) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2.75
Muppets Most Wanted (2014) (MA/HD) $6.25 (GP/HD) $4.50
Murder on The Orient Express (2017) (MA/HD) $2.75
My Fair Lady (1964) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $5.50
My Little Pony: The Movie (2017) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3.25
National Lampoon's Animal House (1978) (MA/4K) $6.25 (MA/HD) $5.50
Natural, The (1984) (MA/4K) $5
New Mutants (2020) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD) $5.25 (GP/HD) $2.75
News of the World (2020) (MA/4K) $6.25 (MA/HD) $3.75
Night at the Museum 3-Movie (MA/HD) $13.50 $6 Each (MA/SD) $9
Night Before (2015) (MA/HD) $4.75
Night House, The (2021) (MA/HD) $5 (GP/HD) $3
Night School (Extended) (2018) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $3
Nightmare Alley (2021) (MA/HD) $4.50 (GP/HD) $3.50
No Country For Old Men (2007) (Vudu/HD) $5.50 (iTunes/HD) $6.50
No Time to Die (2021) (iTunes/4K) $3.50
Noah (2014) (Vudu/HD) $1.75 (iTunes/HD) $1.50
Nobody (2021) (MA/HD) $5.25
Nope (2022) (MA/HD) $5.75
Nope (2022), Get Out (2017) & Us (2019) (MA/HD) $10
Northman (2022) (MA/4K) $7.25 (MA/HD) $4.50
Now You See Me 1-2 (Vudu/HD) $4 (iTunes/HD) $6.50
Nut Job (2014) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $1.75
Nutcracker and the Four Realms (2018) (MA/4K) $6 (MA/HD) $3 (GP/HD) $2.50
Oblivion (2013) (MA/4K) $7 (iTunes/4K) $3.50 (MA/HD) $2.25
Old (2021) (MA/HD) $4.50
Once Upon A Time... In Hollywood (2019) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD) $5
Onward (2020) (MA/4K) $5.50 (MA/HD) $4 (GP/HD) $2.25
Operation Fortune: Ruse de Guerre (2023) (Vudu/4K) $8
Ouija (2014) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $2.50
Our Kind of Traitor (2016) (Vudu/HD) $3.25
Out of Sight (1998) (MA/HD) $4
Overlord (2018) (Vudu/4K) $5 (Vudu/HD) $2.75 (iTunes/4K) $4
Oz the Great and Powerful (2013) (MA/HD) $2 (GP/HD) $1
Pacific Rim Uprising (2018) (MA/4K) $7.75 (MA/HD) $4.50
Parasite (2019) (MA/HD) $4.75
Passengers (2016) (MA/HD) $2.75
Paterno (2018) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.25 (GP/HD) $2.75
Patriot Games (1992) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $5.50
Patriots Day (2017) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $2.50
Paw Patrol: The Movie (2021) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $5
Paws of Fury: The Legend of Hank (2022) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $6
Peanuts Movie (2015) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2.25
Pearl (2022) (Vudu/HD) $5.75
Penguins of Madagascar (2014) (MA/HD) $1.75
Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters (2013) (MA/HD) $2.25
Pet Sematary (1989) (Vudu/4K) $6 (iTunes/4K) $4 (Vudu/HD) $3.75
Pet Sematary (2019) (Vudu/4K) $4.50 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $2.50
Pete’s Dragon (2016) (MA/HD) $6.25 (GP/HD) $4.25
Peter Pan (1953) (MA/HD) $6.25 (GP/HD) $4.75
Peter Pan: Return to Neverland (2002) (MA/HD) $6 (GP/HD) $4.50
Peter Rabbit 2 (2021) (MA/HD) $4
Philadelphia (1993) (MA/4K) $7.75
Pitch Perfect (2012) (MA/4K) $5.75 (MA/HD) $2.75 (iTunes/4K) $3.75
Pitch Perfect Collection 1-3 (MA/HD) $11.50
Plane (2023) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $8.50
Planet of the Apes 1-3 (Newer) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $12
Poltergeist (1982) (MA/4K) $5.75
Power Rangers (2017) (Vudu/4K) $5.50 (iTunes/4K) $3.25 (Vudu/HD) $2.75
Predator (1987), 2 (1990), Predators (2009), Predator (2018) (MA/HD) $11
Predator (2018) (MA/4K) $6.25 (MA/HD) $3.50
Pretty in Pink (1986) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $4.75
Prey for the Devil (2022) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6
Prophecy Collection 1-5 (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $14.50
Protege, The (2021) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $5.75
Proud Mary (2018) (MA/HD) $4.25
Psycho (1960), Rear Window (1954), The Birds (1963), Vertigo (1958) (MA/4K) $18
Pulp Fiction (1994) (Vudu/4K) $5.50 (Vudu/HD) $4.25 (iTunes/HD) $5.25
Punisher, The (2004) (Vudu/4K) $5.75
Punisher: War Zone (2008) (Vudu/4K) $5.75
Puss in Boots (2011) (MA/4K) $6.75
Puss in Boots: The Last Wish (2022) (MA/HD) $7.50
Raid 2 (2014) (MA/HD) $5.75
Raid: Redemption + Unrated (2012) (MA/HD) $5.75
Ralph Breaks the Internet (2018) (MA/4K) $5.25 (iTunes/4K) $4.50 (GP/HD) $1.50
Rambo Collection 1-5 (Vudu/HD) $14
Ray (2004) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $5.25
Raya and the Last Dragon (2021) (MA/4K) $6.25 (MA/HD) $4.50 (GP/HD) $2.50
Ready or Not (2019) (MA/HD) $6.25
Rear Window (1954) (MA/4K) $4.75
Red (2010) (Vudu/4K) $6.50
Red 2 (2013) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6.50 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $1.50
Red Sparrow (2018) (MA/HD) $4.50
Replicas (2019) (Vudu/4K) $5.50
Requiem for a Dream - Director's Cut (2000) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6.25
Rescuers, The (1977) (MA/HD) $6.50 (GP/HD) $4
Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (2017) (MA/4K) $7.25 (MA/HD) $3.25
Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City (2021) (MA/4K) $7.50 (MA/HD) $4.50
Respect (2021) (iTunes/4K) $4.75
Revenant, The (2015) (MA/4K) $5.25 (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $3.25
Riddick Collection 1-3 (Unrated) (MA/HD) $14
Ride Along 1-2 (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $5 $2.75 Each
Rise of the Guardians (2012) (MA/HD) $3.25
Robin Hood (2010) (MA/4K) $6.25
Robin Hood (2018) (Vudu/4K) $5 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3.25
RoboCop (2014) (Vudu/HD) $2
Rocketman (2019) (Vudu/4K) $4.75 (iTunes/4K) $2.50 (Vudu/HD) $2.25
Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975) (MA/HD) $5.25
Rogue (2020) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $3.50
Role Models (Unrated) (2008) (MA/HD) $4
Roman J. Israel, Esq. (2017) (MA/HD) $3.50
Ron's Gone Wrong (2021) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $5.25 (GP/HD) $3.50
Rough Night (2017) (MA/HD) $4.25
Rumble (2022) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $5.75
Running Man, The (1987) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6.25
Same Kind of Different as Me (2017) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $2
Saturday Night Fever (1977) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6.25
Sausage Party (2016) (MA/HD) $4.75
Saving Private Ryan (1998) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6.50
Saw (2004) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $5.50
Saw Collection 1-7 (Vudu/HD) $10
Scarface (1983) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $5.25
Scary Movie 3 (2003) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4
Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (2019) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $3
Schindler's List (1993) (MA/HD) $4.75
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (2010) (MA/4K) (iTunes/4K) $5.75 (MA/HD) $5.25
Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse (2015) (Vudu/HD) $3.75 (iTunes/HD) $2.75
Scream (1996) (Vudu/4K) $6 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3.75
Scream 5 (2022) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $5.50
Scream Collection 1-3 (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $13.50
Secret Headquarters (2022) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/4K) $6
Secret in Their Eyes (2015) (MA/HD) (iTunes/HD) $2.25
Seeking a Friend for the End of the World (2012) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $4.50
Selma (2015) (Vudu/HD) $3 (iTunes/HD) $2.25
Seriously Red (2022) (Vudu/HD) $6.75
Shack (2017) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $1.50
Shallows, The (2016) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD $4
Shang-Chi (2021) (MA/4K) $6.25 (MA/HD) $4.75 (GP/HD) $3
Shape of Water (2017) (MA/HD) $3.25
Shaun of the Dead (2004) (MA/4K) $4
Shaun of the Dead (2004), Hot Fuzz (2007), World's End (2013) (MA/HD) $10
Shawshank Redemption (1994) (MA/4K) $6
Sherlock Gnomes (2018) (Vudu/HD) $2.75 (iTunes/4K) $2.25
Shutter Island (2010) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6.50
Sicario (2015) (Vudu/4K) $6 (Vudu/HD) $1.75 (iTunes/4K) $3
Sicario: Day of the Soldado (2018) (MA/4K) $7.75 (MA/HD) $3.75
Silent Night, Deadly Night: 3-Film Collection (1989-1991) (Vudu/HD) $6
Silver Linings Playbook (2012) (Vudu/HD) $2
Sing (2016) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2.75
Sing 2 (2021) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $3.50
Sing Collection 1-2 (MA/HD) $6
Singin' in the Rain (1952) (MA/4K) $6.50
Skyscraper (2018) (MA/4K) $5.25 (MA/HD) $1.75
Slender Man (2018) (MA/HD) $5.25
Smile (2022) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/4K) $6.75
Smokey and the Bandit (1977) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $3.75
Smokin' Aces (2007) (iTunes/4K) $5.75
Snake Eyes (2021) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $4.25
Sonic the Hedgehog (2020) (Vudu/4K) $6.25 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $4.25
Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (2022) (Vudu/4K) $6.50 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $4.50
Sorry to Bother You (2018) (MA/HD) $4.75
Soul (2020) (MA/4K) $6.25 (MA/HD) $3.75 (GP/HD) $2.25
Source Code (2011) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6
Space Jam (1996) (MA/4K) $5
Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021) (MA/4K) $5
Sparkle (2012) (MA/HD) $3.50 (MA/SD) $2.25
Speed (1994) (MA/4K) $5.25
Spider-Man Collection 1-8 (MA/HD) $26
Spider-Man: Far From Home (2019) (MA/HD) $4.25
Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD) $3.75
Spies in Disguise (2019) (MA/HD) $3.50 (GP/HD) $2.50
Spiral (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $5.50
Spirit Untamed: The Movie (2021) (MA/HD) $4.25
Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron (2003) (MA/HD) $5
Split (2017) (MA/4K) $6.75 (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2.75
Spotlight (2015) (MA/HD) $5 (iTunes/HD) $3
Spy Who Dumped Me (2018) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $4.25
Star Trek 1-3 (Vudu/4K) $18 (Vudu/HD) $9.50 (iTunes/4K) $13.50
Stillwater (2021) (MA/HD) $5
Strange World (2022) (MA/HD) $4.75 (GP/HD) $4.25
Studio 666 (2022) (MA/HD) $6.50
Suburbicon (2017) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3.25
Suicide Squad, The (2021) (MA/4K) $5
Sum of All Fears, The (2002) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $5.75
Super 8 (2011) (Vudu/4K) $5.75 (Vudu/HD) $3.25 (iTunes/4K) $5
Super Troopers 2 (2018) (MA/HD) $3
Survive the Night (2020) (Vudu/4K) $4 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3
Taken (2009), 2 (2012), 3 (2015) (MA/HD) $9
Tangled (2010) (MA/4K) $8 (MA/HD) $5 (GP/HD) $3.75
Tar (2022) (MA/HD) $7.50
Teen Titans Go! & DC Super Hero Girls: Mayhem in the Multiverse (2022) (MA/HD) $5
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3.25
Ten Commandments (1956) (Vudu/4K) $6 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $5.75
Terms of Endearment (1983) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $5
Theory Of Everything (2014) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $4
Thing, The (2011) (MA/HD) $6.25
Think Like a Man (2012) & Two (2014) (MA/HD) $9
This Is The End (2013) (MA/HD) $5
Thor: Love and Thunder (2022) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD) $3.25 (GP/HD) $2
Thor: Ragnarok (2017) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $3.50 (GP/HD) $1.75
Thor: The Dark World (2013) (MA/4K) $7 (iTunes/4K) $4.75 (GP/HD) $2.25
Till (2022) (iTunes/4K) $6.50
To Kill a Mockingbird (1962) (MA/4K) $6.25 (iTunes/HD) $4.50
Top Gun (1986) (Vudu/4K) $5 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $4.25
Top Gun: Maverick (2022) (Vudu/4K) $6 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $5.75
Total Recall (1990) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $5.25
Tower Heist (2011) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $3.75
Toy Story 1-4 (MA/4K) $23 (iTunes/4K) $21 (GP/HD) $11.50
Traffic (2000) (iTunes/HD) Ports to MA $5.75
Training Day (2001) (MA/4K) $6.75
Transformers 1-5 (Vudu/4K) $30 (Vudu/HD) $23
Trolls Collection 1-2 (MA/HD) $6
Turbo (2013) (MA/HD) $2.25 (iTunes/SD) $1.25
Turning Red (2022) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $4.25 (GP/HD) $3
Turning, The (2020) (MA/HD) $5.75
Umma (2022) (MA/HD) $4.75
Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent (2022) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6.75
Unbreakable (2000) (MA/4K) $6 (GP/HD) $3.75
Uncharted (2022) (MA/4K) $5.50 (MA/HD) $3.50
Uncle Drew (2018) (Vudu/4K) $6.25 (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $3
Uncut Gems (2019) (Vudu/HD) $4.25
Underworld: Awakening (2012) (MA/HD) $1.75
Underworld: Blood Wars (2016) (MA/4K) $5.75 (MA/HD) $2.25
Unfinished Business (2015) (MA/HD) $4.25
Untouchables, The (1987) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6
Us (2019) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD) $5.25
Usual Suspects, The (1995) (Vudu/HD) $6
Van Helsing (2004) (MA/4K) $6 (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $4.75
Venom (2005) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4.50
Venom (2018) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD) $3.25
Venom: Let There Be Carnage (2021) (MA/4K) $7 (MA/HD) $3.50
Vertigo (1958) (MA/HD) $4.75
Vice (2018) 'Christian Bale' (MA/HD) $4.25
Victor Frankenstein (2015) (MA/HD) $5.75
Vivo (2021) (MA/HD) $4
Vow, The (2012) (MA/HD) $3.50
Walk, The (2015) (MA/HD) $4.75
Walking Dead: Season 11 (2021) (Vudu/HD) $6.25
Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit (2005) (MA/HD) $6.75
WALL-E (2008) (iTunes/4K) $8 (GP/HD) $5.50
War for the Planet of the Apes (2017) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $3
War of the Worlds (1953) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6.75
Warcraft (2016) (MA/4K) $5 (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2.25
Warm Bodies (2013) (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $2
Warrior (2011) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/HD) $4
Watch, The (2012) (MA/HD) $4.25
Waterworld (1995) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD) $6
Wayne's World (1992) (Vudu/4K) (iTunes/4K) $6.25
Welcome to Marwen (2018) (MA/4K) $3.50
West Side Story (2021) (MA/4K) $6 (MA/HD) (GP/HD) $2.50
What Men Want (2019) (Vudu/HD) $1.75 (iTunes/4K) $1.25
Where the Crawdads Sing (2022) (MA/HD) $4.75
Where'd You Go Bernadette (2019) (MA/HD) $5.50
White Boy Rick (2018) (MA/HD) $5.25
Whitney Houston: I Wanna Dance With Somebody (2022) (MA/HD) $6
Why Him? (2016) (iTunes/4K) (MA/HD) $2
Widows (2018) (MA/4K) $6.50 (MA/HD) $1.50
Wild Card (2015) (Vudu/HD) $4
Willow (1988) (MA/HD) $6.75
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971) (MA/4K) $5.25
Wings (1927) (Vudu/HD) (iTunes/HD) $4
Wolf Man (1941) (MA/4K) $6.50
Wolf of Wall Street (2013) (Vudu/4K) $6 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3.50
Wolverine (Unrated) (2013) (MA/HD) $3.75
Woman King (2022) (MA/4K) $6.75 (MA/HD) $5.50
Wonder (2017) (Vudu/4K) $5.75 (iTunes/4K) (Vudu/HD) $3
Wonder Park (2019) (Vudu/HD) $3 (iTunes/4K) $2.25
X (2022) (Vudu/HD) $6.75
X2: X-Men United (2003) (MA/HD) $6.25
X-Men (2000) (MA/HD) $6.25
X-Men: First Class (2010), Days of Future Past (2004), Apocalypse (2014) (MA/HD) $11
Yesterday (2019) (MA/HD) $4.50
Zero Dark Thirty (2012) (MA/4K) $7.25 (MA/HD) $3
Zootopia (2016) (MA/4K) $7.25 (iTunes/4K) $5 (MA/HD) $4.50 (GP/HD) $3.25

Our twin boys are nearing 8 weeks old (6 adjusted) and i understand this is far too early to sleep train or expect them to sleep for prolonged periods of time, but my wife and I are up every 2 or so hours each night to change, swaddle and feed. They seem to doze off fairly soon afterward (sometimes can take upwards of an hour) but in the day they rarely sleep for longer than 15-20 mins at a time, save perhaps one long nap after we take them out in slings or on a car journey.
I’m conscious they might be overtired but we were told there’s virtually no point trying to get them into any sort of routine for the first few months.
Any advice on how to build good sleep habits early and when sleep training worked for your multiples would be much appreciated - we are delirious from lack of sleep!

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/trashitagain in AskReddit
trigger warnings: suicide ideation, cancer

This was last posted on BORU in August 2021.
Original AskReddit post entitled "Throwaway time! What's your secret that could literally ruin your life if it came out?" to which OOP responds in the comments and has edited updates over the last decade.
​
ORIGINAL COMMENT + UPDATES - 01st May 2012
I'm eventually going to kill myself. I don't know when, but I'm pretty sure that's where life is taking me. I've never kissed a girl and I'm approaching 30, I have panic attacks in social situations, therapy seems to only make me feel worse, and I've decided that living so that others don't have to deal with my death isn't worth it anymore.
I'm basically just waiting out my parents so they don't have to attend my funeral.
July 17 2012 Edit: Because I'm still getting PMs asking how things turned out I'll just update it here. Nothing happened with any of the offers, I guess those were karma-whoring attempts, because I did PM them and they never responded. I did meet a girl who PMed me on a stop over from a road trip and get my first kiss, but that was it. I'm very glad I got to do that, and it was amazing enough that it convinced me to really make an effort. I've been trying very hard in the online dating arena, but I'm not getting anywhere. When I do get dates I don't know how to initiate anything physical, and its causing women to think I'm not interested, or I'm a wimp, or whatever. Anyway its not working. My overall plan hasn't really changed, really the only thing different is now is that I'm trying and failing. Hard.
Honestly I can't imagine living like this for as long as its going to take for my parents to pass, its just too fucking painful. I can't effectively articulate just how lonely I am.
August 27 2012 Edit: Wow, I'm still getting PMs about this post. I guess I should update again. I feel much, much better about myself and my prospects. I wont get into it more than that, and I'll leave everything else here because perhaps seeing just how low I got and that things worked out will help someone else feeling the same way. The only advice I can give is this: Try. You will fail, but you cannot succeed if you don't try.
October 11 2012 Edit: Things turned right back to shit and stayed there. I feel like a complete moron for thinking things could work out.
October 16 2012 Edit: Life has its ups and downs, and sometimes what seems like a down turns out to be an up. I've met someone wonderful, I thought I'd lost her, I felt bad for a while, but in the end it turned into something good. I can't wait to see where it goes. I will continue updating this post as I continue my journey, and I hope anyone who relates to the way I felt when this started can take comfort in knowing that if you make the effort, you can find what you've been missing. Its hard, but its worth it.
December 31 2012 Edit: Everything is great. Its as simple as that :)
January 25 2013 Edit: And then she dumped me. This is a pain that I couldn't have felt without the love that preceded it, so I'm trying to keep it in context, but its hard not to wallow in misery at this point. Back into the dating pool I guess.
January 27 2013 Edit: I really hate being lonely.
February 9 2013 Edit: Still lonely as hell, getting that first date after getting dumped has proven a bit of a nightmare. Getting really depressed about Valentines day coming up, it was going to be the first time ever that I had someone to share it with. Sometimes you just need a distraction, but everything you try is just... empty.
February 11 2013 Edit: Once I climbed out of the hole I thought I would be done with the darkest places my mind would go, but it seems that once you've accepted the existence of that escape its impossible to stop yourself from going back there when times are bad. I still could never hurt those who have emotional investments in me, but the truth is that I think about it all the time.
February 12 2013 Edit: I admitted today that I need to be in therapy. I made an appointment after staring at my cell phone with the number entered for almost an hour. The return of these suicidal thoughts seriously scares me.
February 18 2013 Edit: I got confirmation today that my ex cheated on me. I honestly feel fantastic finally knowing the truth, that it was her being a giant whore that ended things and not anything I did. Fuck her, I'm better off, and today is a new day!
February 24 2013 Edit: OK, maybe its not that simple. I go back and forth between anger at the lies I was told and soul-crushing loneliness. I do miss her is the sad thing, I miss her like I can't believe even though she treated me like garbage. I really hate being lonely.
March 6 2013 Edit: So I've been going to therapy and its helping a bit. I keep thinking I'm right on the cusp of being over everything, and then I get stood up or turned down again and I just slip back into this feeling that I'll never find someone. I feel like a complete fucking idiot for thinking that I'd found love. I don't get love. What I had was fake, the side effect of someone else's sickness and nothing more. The thoughts of suicide are never too far off, I just want to stop remembering, stop being angry, stop being lonely, stop being me. I think I miss the emotional intimacy more than the physical. Sometimes I wish I'd never confronted her, just so I'd still have someone to talk to.
March 28 2013 Edit: I posted this in response to another thread describing why she was the worst person I've ever known, and I think it describes pretty well how things are going: She cheated, she lied, she manipulated, and then after shed been cheating before she left me for the other guy she was fucking she told me that it was because I'd "changed" that she was breaking up with me. She had told me that she loved me within an hour of another guy being inside of her. She cheated on her previous boyfriend with me without my knowledge, and cheated on the guy after me if some stories are to be believed. I'm not sure about the last one, so I'll leave that as a maybe, since there's no need to make shit up with her. And yet, she was my best friend, and I miss just being able to talk to her so badly... Honestly, the thing I hate her for the most is hiding who she really was for long enough for me to fall in love. So yeah, she was the worst person I've ever known. I hate her guts and I miss her at the same time. I doubt I could have a conversation with her without calling her a whore to be honest, and yet I wake up at night wanting so bad to just see her there. I tried to get over the anger, maybe at least get my friend back, and she said that she couldn't have male friends because she tends to cheat, and she could never do that to her new boyfriend. The one 2 after me. We broke up in January. Because of my fucking scumbag brain I can't keep her out of my head, which is why I have to remind myself of just how terrible a person she is every time I feel weak.
April 1 2013 Edit: I've decided that I have to let go of the anger before I can move on. Forgiveness isn't coming easy but I think that it's necessary. I'm not there yet, but hopefully soon I will be.
April 6 2013 Edit: I think I'm getting close. I've gone on more dates, met someone with real potential, and made a conscious effort to let it go. Once I can go a week without randomly getting mad about it again I think I'll write a letter forgiving her, and then probably never send it. Maybe I'll just post it here.
April 15 2013 Edit: One step forward and three steps back. Still trying to let go of the anger, but thinking about it and trying to forgive is just reminding me of more lies I hadn't put together yet, causing more anger. I'm not sure forgiveness is in me.
April 28 2013 Edit: Progress I guess? I reached the point of forgiveness, and on reflection I feel like I went way too far down the bitter path of hate, which I regret. A lot of what I said was unfair. Nothing on current developments until they develop a little further, but things are a mix of good and complicated. I'm going to Africa in a few weeks to do charity work, hopefully it'll clear my head and when I get back I'll be closer to the man I want to be.
May 31 2013 Edit: Things developed further, and... I have a new girlfriend! Shes pretty amazing, she actually like... does stuff for me. She packed me lunch today. Life is good!
June 24 2013 Edit: Not so happy a post this time. The complexity of life got in the way, and other things made it impossible to continue. Shes still amazing, but there was just no way it could work. Basically... :/
August 15 2013 Edit: I'm still alive. I really don't know what to say other than I still have nightmares about my cheating ex 3 times a week and I haven't been glad to wake up in the morning in months. I think all of this has really taught me one thing: No matter what anyone says, it is not just going to be OK.
September 4 2013 Edit: Worst night in a long time. I am not willing to live like this, a person is not supposed to be this alone. I can stand the going months without sex, I'm pretty good at it obviously, but the loss of emotional intimacy has nearly killed me. I still miss her, goddamnit, despite myself. The most destructive force in my life, ever, has been the thing that almost a year ago I might have told you was the best thing that ever happened to me. I fight with the urge to end it more than I ever have. I feel like even most versions of my life "working out" now are still not lives I'm excited to live. I'm going to make about $150k this year thanks to a good real-estate investment, I'm finishing my CS degree in May, I've got a good job, and still I just want to blow my fucking brains out because I can't stand waking up alone in this dark, quiet house in the middle of another night. But I know I'm going to. Over, and over again.
Goodbye.
November 2 2013 Edit: I'm alive, my last post was a very hard night, but I didn't harm myself. A few notes for anyone who is now where I was before I started: you're alone for a reason. Get therapy before you start, because you don't know how to spot a liar or a terrible person yet. Don't go on anti depressants if you can help it. They fucked me up, and for most of my posts I was on them. I didn't start feeling like myself again until I quit them. Things probably won't work out in general, so don't get attached to anyone. Most importantly: become someone you like first. When my life really feel apart, after I got cheated on, my thought was "I get it, I wouldn't be with me either", and that guaranteed that instead of moving on and having dignity I just let my life fall apart.
November 11 2013 Edit: One year ago was the best Veterans day of my life. Whatever other shit the last year has been, at least I can smile now when I think of a pair of kayaks.
December 22 2013 Edit: I still hate waking up in the morning. I know at this point that she'll never come back into my life, but everything else since her has just been... well, shit. I once picked my 30th birthday as a give up date, and I'm starting to think it was a good compromise. I don't know if suicide is the way to go, I don't think I'm capable of it honestly(pulling that trigger is a lot harder than it seems), but I know I can't keep living this life longer than that. Honestly, after all this time, the problem is still that I just don't like me.
January 20 2014 Edit: I've re-written this update over and over again and I still don't know how to put it. I'm with someone now, and life is good on paper. I've sold my house, I'm well off financially and I have a good job, but that happiness I felt more than a year ago never came back. My mind wanders more now than it used to. When I was 13 years old I had my palm read by a girl in my class. She said to me that my life line went farther than she'd ever seen but at the same time my love line was the shortest. I don't believe in much anymore, but that has stuck with me ever since. My love line knows who she is, and she'll probably eventually read this. All I can think to say to her is: "You were the only one who would ever hear those words from me and have me mean them.". The last time we talked I pushed her away as hard as I could. I hoped deep down that I'd hear from her again, but I think that was just wishful thinking. I threw away everything that reminded me of her when I moved except for one thing, which I'm going to take out into the desert and destroy properly one of these days. I've seen horrible things in my life. I've watched a mother drop her infant son as she was handed a folded flag, I've solemnly shaken the hands of parents who's children took their own lives, and nothing in my life has impacted my soul so much as a single 22 year old girl telling me that she didn't want to talk to me anymore. Life is a lonely thing, and horrible, but goddammit, I'm going to live it and in the days between now and when I die I'm going to try as hard as I can to make at least a little bit of it better for someone else. In a weird way I feel like if I can do some good then my life has its own sort of happy ending.
March 17 2014 Edit: My last few Africa projects fell apart, and I'm resigned to the idea that I'm not making a difference there. I still think about her often. I miss her entirely too much. I still feel like I'd rather not wake up tomorrow, but life goes on for now. Its really not fair for me to be lying to the girl I'm seeing now, she says she loves me and I believe she means it, but I guess in all of this I've really become a much worse person than I was two years ago. I'm about to graduate, and I should be making ~80k (level 2 software developer) soon. With my savings, I'm not far from being able to just disappear, which sounds better every day. Maybe I'll give it a year?
May 1 2014 Edit: I just walked out of my last college class. It feels about like everything else does these days, but it is a relief. I've been reflecting on things lately, and as I develop better perspective on depression and my own state of mind I come to realize that so much of what I feel doesn't make sense. Yes, I wake up at night thinking about my ex, but I also wake up thinking about embarrassing events from when I was in grade school. I feel the best when I can just let things be. Another realization that I've had lately is that the reason nothing with anyone since has felt like it did with my ex is because I don't want it to. It was first love, and so many other firsts, and that is something I'll never re-capture. I don't believe that its something that I should be able to re-capture, nor do I want to. It belongs in that place and time, as do the bad things that went with it. I am told often that I'm hard to read, girls seem to assume that its because there is some depth that I haven't revealed to them. The truth is that I'm hard to read because there is nothing to read. I generally just don't feel anything. And in a strange way, its a real improvement for me.
June 2 2014 Edit: Life goes on as it always does. I passed the date I picked years ago on which I was going to kill myself. I don't come back here as often as I used to purely because I really don't like the memories it brings me, but I guess if someone in my old shoes reads it now every bit of perspective can help, so its time for an update. All things pass. I'm still not recovered emotionally from what my ex pulled, but its more of a distant sadness than something that rules my life these days. Two years ago I'd never kissed a girl, I was sure I'd die a virgin, and I had panic attacks whenever I tried to socialize. Now I've lost track of how many times I've done the things I never thought I would. I actually had a co-worker I've known for about two years say to me that I'd had sex with more girls in the time he's known me than he has in his entire life. It blew my mind. I guess all that I have to say right now is don't let life pass you by because its comfortable, because you never know where life might take you if you just try.
June 25 2014 Edit: Dreams last night like I couldn't believe. I think I've figured out more of why I never have been able to get her out of my head... I'm still just too attracted to her. I knew from very early on that I couldn't trust that girl and she really did go out of her way to fuck up my life, but the thing that I've never quite been able to get past is the fact that when I think about her I get sick with desire. I get this weak feeling in my stomach at the though that I'll never hold her again, and couple that with the fact that in my life she's really the only one who I let in all the way and you've got a recipe for dreams that'll ruin your whole day more than a year after your last goodbye. Kind of a whiny update, I know, but I haven't had a day where I was so bothered by the whole thing in a long time, and updating here when I feel like this has been my ritual.
August 2 2014 Edit: I find myself thinking of this post less and less because the majority of the issues I've written about here just aren't controlling my life anymore. I wish I had some deep sage wisdom to write at the moment, but I just felt like I ought to update since I saw this mentioned elsewhere on reddit a few moments ago. My life is going better than I would've expected two years ago; I've now graduated with my CS degree and work full time, I've had a great deal of success in the dating realm over the last 8 months or so, and I'm in a better place emotionally. My advice for anyone who resembles the old me remains the same: Try, fail, and try again. Its a hell of a lot better than a bullet through the head.
August 11 2014 Edit: So apparently I have cancer. I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be fine, but it really makes me think about how glad I am that I started really living life.
August 13 2014 Edit: I should probably update again with a little more info. As far as the cancer goes, I have surgery planned, its early, I'm pretty sure I'm fine. I'll have scars, and that's all. If not, well, the prospect of something more severe has a curious impact on me. Telling my family fucking horrifies me. I know that you need to live life for yourself, but the others in my life are the ones who would feel my death, and I'm not so selfish a person that I can put them through that casually. I'm getting some massive doses of perspective lately.
October 16 2014 Edit: I have a nasty new scar, and a lot of headaches, but I'm fine. Life goes on as it always does. I honestly don't think I can bring myself to read the rest of this post right now... the last few years have not been great for me, to say the least, and I cringe just thinking about it sometimes. All I can think to say now is that I am so glad that I never pulled that trigger.
Also, apparently there is a max character limit now. I've cut some of the post and saved the whole thing locally... this leaves me with a problem. Should I upload all of this somewhere else? Not sure what's best. If anyone has an idea feel free to pm me.
January 29 2015 Edit: I've been getting a wave of PMs today and it made me feel like I'm overdue for an update. These days I'm a reasonably successful software engineer, I live with my girlfriend in a very nice place and have more friends than I did at any other point in my life. When I go to work people are happy to see me, and things are drastically better.
One thing I've come to learn about depression, at least my depression, is that the shitty little voice in the back of my head can come back at any time, for any reason. The other day I was updating my linked in and saw the face of my cheating ex as a suggested contact. I've successfully avoided seeing a picture of her for more than a year now. She was as beautiful as ever, and I wanted so badly for an instant to tell her that again. I also unfortunately saw that her last name had changed, so I guess she got married. I hate admitting to myself that I still miss her, and I hate myself for giving someone who was so horrible to me that power. But you know what? I'm fine. I was sad for a day, and then I told my girlfriend the secrets I'd kept (she had no idea about what I talk about in this post), she hugged me and said she loved me, and I moved on. Life will never be perfect, but its sure as fuck better than its ever been before.
Please continue to PM me if you relate to my original post or would like someone to talk to, my advice may be simple but I've seen it work at least once.
Also, because of the character limit and the fact that more than half of this post is now living in a text file on my computer I'm going to post the whole story somewhere shortly, I'll update here when I do.
February 2 2015 Edit: trashitagain.com now has the entire post in raw text. (Included in BORU)
January 6 2017 Edit: I am going to be a father. Totally unexpected, the doctor had told us it was likely not possible thanks to PCOS, AND she was on the pill, AND... well, lets just say this wasn't planned. I'm still in shock. Holy hell kids cost a lot of money. I'm terrified that I won't be up to the task, but its time to put away my own worries and insecurities and focus on doing the best I can. Over the last half a decade I've learned a lot about myself, and one of the major things I've discovered is that although I was missing companionship horribly, I do need a lot of time to myself. I'm still an introvert. Its going to be interesting trying to reconcile what I need for my own sanity with the much more important matter of keeping a wife and child clothed, fed, homed, and happy. Oh, and I guess I'm going to propose now. Don't tell her though, I'm still figuring out how I'm going to do it. Probably something involving a ring of some sort. Possibly onion (I really should have been better at saving last year).
August 2017 Edit: I have a son. Its the most amazing thing in this world, I honestly can't explain it. My wife is my hero for delivering this little guy. I don't have the time to sit and think through my thoughts like I usually do when I update here, but I'm just so glad that I'm here for him. I'm also deliriously tired.
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September 2018 Edit: I figure I'm well overdue for one of these, and I've gotten a lot of PMs, so... here goes. My life has changed a lot over the years, since I created this account and made my first post. It's difficult to compartmentalize and share everything that I feel like ought to be shared, but I have a few clear thoughts that I wish someone could have shared with me.
First: It takes time to learn how to be happy. When my son was born, as babies do, he cried. He didn't smile for the first time for about 3 months. We are all born knowing how to be sad, but it takes time to learn how to be happy. And its completely worth it. When he cracked his first big gummy smile it was at my father, now a grandfather, smiling down at him. Every dirty diaper induced cry seemed worth it, it was simply incredible. No words can do it justice.
Second: Things aren't magically easy. I did not plan to have kids. At one point when I was a virgin and suicidal I dreamed of the normal family life, as a sort of goal that I felt like I ought to have. What I really wanted was intimacy and love, but I didn't know how to articulate it yet. Over the years I came to the realization that I'm pretty selfish, I'm pretty lazy, and I love having the freedom to stay out late and travel. Me and my now wife agreed on this, and planned no kids. And then her birth control failed. So we got married, and we had a kid, and life got stressful. I often wish I could just be free again. I make about 115k a year now, not a massive salary but enough that I should be able to do things like eat out when I want, but I'm struggling horribly because my wife has essentially no income potential, or motivation to change that. Stress is constant. Interspersed in this, however, are the things that make it worth it. My son just figured out how to play hide and seek with me on his own. Pulling a blanket over his head and laughing hysterically when he does it. I got a video of it, and its so fucking cute that I watch it multiple times a day at work.
Third: Oh, and she's pregnant again. I'm going to have a daughter. Birth control pills don't work for shit on her, and apparently neither do IUDs. I'm definitely getting a vasectomy this time.
Fourth: The thoughts will never go away once they've been there, and that is something I'm going to have to live with forever. I wish this wasn't the case, but it is. I still have my mind turn on me from time to time, I still get low, and I still can't escape that mental movie where I put a gun to my temple and pull the trigger. I have so much to live for now, and so much I'm responsible for, and I still can't totally escape it. It sucks, but living with it is just a part of life. I also still think of my ex. She was a huge part of my life, even if it was for a short time, and those memories are inescapable. I've learned to let them be fond in their own way, as so much time has past and ongoing bitterness was poisoning me.
Finally: I've said it a lot of times, but life goes on. It will keep happening regardless of if you use your time well or not. If you're someone like I was, reading this now, do not wait. Get out there. Your mountain is waiting.
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September 2021 Edit: Well it's been a while since I updated this, so I figured I'd better get to it. Life goes on, I've got two kids and a house and a dog, and all that good stuff. I've tried to continue working on and learning about myself in the years since my original post, and now that I'm looking at 40 instead of 30 I'm struck that the sense of foreboding has never gone away. I don't know if its something chemical or something deeply ingrained in me, but whatever it is at least now I can see it for what it is and deal with it.
I'm still a lonely person and I probably always will be, and that monkey on my back is probably always going to be there whispering in my ear, but now it terrifies the hell out of me because I know how badly my kids need me. Its not just the fear that I'll harm myself someday, now I get all the existential dread that goes with aging too. I wish there was a medicine that just made me feel normal, but everything I've ever tried fogged up my brain too much, and I can't support the family if I can't design software anymore. Such is adult life I guess. I don't know what possessed me to get online and update tonight other than that I was laying in bed awake, missing people I don't know anymore and struggling to find either the quiet to sleep, the passion to go do something I like, or the motivation to work on something productive. I guess it all comes down to keeping perspective and remembering that even if whatever the fuck is wrong in my brain isn't my fault, it is my responsibility. Tomorrow I'll attack the day again, and I'm going to keep doing that for a long time.


Reminder - I am not the original poster.

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u/pavlokandyba

2dJoin

My story

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This is a true story, but since I have no proof, let it be fiction. Let this be cause for reflection. It all started when I was 8 years old. Once I had to walk for a long time in a severe frost, I got sick, I got a high temperature and I started delirious. I was in a semi-conscious state all night, periodically falling into nightmares that can be compared with the biblical apocalypses. I'll talk about them later. In these dreams I saw something that, in principle, I could not know at that time, I could not see anywhere before, and generally wanted to forget. But today it is a very famous element of pop culture and a controversial issue in the scientific community. The most famous idea of this is almost 100% the same as what I have seen, and moreover, I have seen it in much more detail than in existing visualizations. So I had questions. Could I see the future? If so, what is the point of this future? How can I check this? Can this be repeated? What is the mechanism behind this phenomenon?
I still have no definitive answers. I don't know and I doubt what I saw. But I did my own research and put forward several hypotheses, which I am going to talk about before I describe what caused these studies.
The task that I set myself was as follows: to learn how to enter an altered state of consciousness, to receive information in it that I do not possess and which can be verified in the real world. In other words, can I find out what I do not know being inside my subconscious. To begin with, I had to get there somehow. I have re-read a lot of literature of a completely different profile, from scientific to religious and philosophical. Among this I can single out the work of Castaneda and the book "The Picture of the World as Perceived by the Special Services" by Ratnikov and Rogozin, former KGB officers. Ultimately, after many unsuccessful attempts, I have developed for myself a simple and effective method of getting into an altered state of consciousness. It consists in the following: falling asleep you need to relax, not think about anything, stop the mental dialogue, be here and now. You can concentrate on breathing. It sounds simple, but it is incredibly difficult. This requires the utmost concentration of consciousness and, at the same time, complete relaxation of the body. By inertia, the brain constantly continues to work as usual, scrolling through some thoughts and images. Every time I tried to discard a thought that had come up and keep myself in the right state, another appeared again. It was very exhausting and many times I just fell asleep. After a certain number of attempts, I already wanted to abandon this boring and seemingly pointless occupation, but suddenly I noticed that after a while I acquired a certain skill and could hold this state longer. I decided to continue. It was as if I was hiding in an ambush or on the bank of a river and in complete silence, so as not to betray the presence of my mind with a single rustle, waiting for something to emerge from the depths of my subconscious.
And now it really began to emerge, and so clearly that I suddenly came to my senses in fright and opened my eyes. I didn't have that before. At first, from the darkness inside my head, distant voices were heard, and then suddenly some terrible faces appeared right in front of me, similar to caricatures of people, in which their worst qualities were emphasized. Somehow they resembled scrimmers from horror films about the dead, but they were always different, absolutely unrecognizable and capable of transforming from one form to another from some hypertrophied monsters to almost normal people. And their presence and voices seemed so obvious, as if someone had said something in my ear while I was lying with my eyes closed. Later, after a while, I got used to them and stopped sharply coming to my senses from their appearance. I was able to look at them closely for a long time and even found some fun in it. But these observations gave nothing but this. I received absolutely no information, especially one that can be verified. The voices were illegible, and the faces quickly replaced one another, while I could, to some extent, influence these changes. If there really is such a way of obtaining information, then these hallucinations of nicrotic monsters are nothing more than the noise of interference of some level of the collective subconscious.
Subsequently, I added one important point to my technique - it is necessary, among other things, to tune oneself to a certain frequency. This is done purely intuitively. You must imagine that you are purity and light, that nothing can threaten you by definition. In a word, be positive. This approach gave a qualitatively new result. I began to go through the first phase without observing any faces, but instead a different sensation appeared, which was just as obvious, frightened me even more and made me come to my senses. It was a loud noise in my head, similar to a very accelerated heartbeat. A similar condition occurs with a strong injection of adrenaline. But when I came to, I found that my heart was working normally and the noise is of a different nature, and the frequency of this noise was much higher than even a very fast heart rate. I decided to continue and gradually learned to stay in this state for longer. An unusual feeling, as if you are fully engaged, your mind is absolutely clear and you are weightless, you are aware of all the space around you, although you understand that you are lying with your eyes closed. It's pretty much like sleep paralysis, where you know you’re asleep but cannot wake up. The only difference, perhaps, is the absence of paralyzing fear, since he achieved this on purpose. This state can be called awareness in a dream, when the phase of falling asleep has passed and did not lose consciousness.
It was difficult to maintain this state for a long time. This required, apparently, a certain amount of energy in the same way as physical exercise. But after a while I was able to increase my time and tried to take some action. One day I came home after intense physical exertion and when I fell to sleep I unexpectedly easily managed to get into this state. Apparently my body was completely cut off and did not create any difficulties. Having felt the noise and that I could perceive the space in some unnatural way, I very easily rolled over my head and found myself on the floor in absolutely complete darkness. Gradually the room began to take on a ghostly shape, I went out into the corridor and met my dog. She saw me. But I did not meet anyone else, although I knew that there were other people at home. I decided to go outside, went through the bars of the window and when I saw the moon, I decided to fly there. For some reason I knew that I could fly and at the same time clearly realized that I had to hurry because I could wake up at any moment and not be in time for anything. But I never got to the moon. Leaving the window sill on the outside of the window, I very smoothly, like an astronaut in zero gravity, flew along a ballistic trajectory into the bushes across the road. I tried to wave my arms to fly longer, but it had little effect. Finally I woke up.
When I woke up, I discovered that the reality around me is significantly different from what I saw in my dreams. For example, there was no moon in the sky. The dog, too, could not confirm my trip, and I had to admit that I had not received any information that could be verified. It was just a lucid dream, although more lucid than usual, but still it was my subjective reality.
There is such an assumption that our reality is a dream of the mind. And it is so indestructible only because this dream belongs to everyone, and is held by a common force in its coordinated state. Only when we look at what no one sees, and which practically does not affect the general reality, we can get the effect of the observer, which is nothing more than our influence on reality. In sleep, especially unconscious sleep, we can use this effect to the fullest. We can build absolutely fantastic realities that are in no way consistent with the general world, but the more we reach the state of awareness, the closer the frequency of our consciousness is to the frequency of the real world, and the less the reality we see is subject to changes. Achieving awareness in a dream and resonating with the real world, we see the real world in a dream. Can we influence reality more, create a miracle? Perhaps through resonance.
I continued my attempts. Sometimes I found myself floating under the ceiling, sometimes I just had lucid dreams, and sometimes I went into a state of transition and immediately woke up. I noticed that the amount of energy that I have for such states can be used either for a long blurred lucid dream in a completely unreal world, or for a very short but very conscious existence in a world very close to the real one.
One of my subsequent attempts was significantly different from the previous ones. I heard a noise, realized that I was awake in a sleeping body and sat on the bed. The clarity of consciousness was just crystal clear. I perfectly understood that my body is now lying and I practically left it, finding incredible lightness. But that was a short moment. Consciousness began to become cloudy, I began to feel discomfort, which intensified and became the same that happens when the body aches with the flu. I began to split in two and eventually came to my senses. Then I realized that the uncomfortable state and clouded mind to which I gradually got used to, this is my usual normal state of an average healthy person. Yes, the body is really an unbearable burden when viewed from this position.
Continuing these experiments, I discovered another interesting phenomenon. I noticed that often, as soon as I got into a transitional state, someone somewhere started making noise, which distracted me greatly and made me wake up. And as soon as I stopped my attempts, this interference immediately stopped. It could be neighbors, drunk people outside the window, whatever, and it happened so systematically that I am with absolute certaintyI can say that all people are constantly in touch with each other telepathically, whether they realize it or not. They really felt somehow my unnatural brain activity in these transitional states and this subconsciously alarmed them, forcing them to take some unconscious actions. They just like agents of the matrix were taken from nowhere turning from people and opposed me. And the main agent is my wife. When I started to go out and no one was around to make a sharp sound, she began to forbid me to say this in a dream! Sometimes she just pushed me in the side. Once, even for the sake of interest, I mentally asked her a few questions, so that she could give me simple answers yes or no, and she really answered them. So telepathy really is, not only in cats and dogs. It's just very difficult to weed out your own from someone else's in your head, and in everyday life people do not notice this. But in extreme situations, people often feel what is happening to others.
But no matter how interesting this topic was to me, this opposition to my experiments on the part of everyone was constantly aggravated and in the end, further attempts became impossible. The system in the form of a collective consciousness noticed me.
But I outsmarted her. I don't know how, but I have one skill to wake up a couple of minutes before the alarm clock. Perhaps it helped here as well. I began to fall asleep as usual, and then in the middle of the night, when most people are deeply asleep, I regain consciousness without waking up and exit. True, I did not have any special achievements, but there was one very interesting case. I regained consciousness in a dream and discovered that I was not me at all, but instead of me on the sofa, where my body should lie, there is an oval translucent cocoon, or rather a field, in weightlessness. All the times before, I felt myself, albeit weightless, but still a man, but now I have taken on a completely unusual form for myself.
It is difficult to say what color this field was. Perhaps it was slightly luminous, but since it was in the dark, it seemed faintly gray. Inside, it had a complex structure, more reminiscent of the simplest organism than an ordinary toroidal field. This structure consisted of luminous and intertwining threads. But these threads were constantly changing like an electric arc and had little in common with the biological structure, although it is possible that they had similarities with the nervous system. This strange structure did not occupy much of the total volume inside, it was mutated, vibrating with violent force and noise like thousands of locomotives working in time. The feeling was indescribable. It was as if I was in the cockpit of a spaceship ready for takeoff, or simply became one. The feeling of weightlessness, absolute power, as if in a split second I can fly around the entire galaxy. If I had any vague idea of the warp drive before, now it was me. I already saw the stars and was ready to rush to them, but my strength ran out and I woke up. What a bummer it was.
Of course, I tried to get into this state afterwards, but I didn't succeed anymore. Over time, this seems to be unimportant, meaningless. What is the use of imaginary, possibly non-existent worlds? But no matter how rich and vivid ordinary human life is, I do not think that it is somehow comparable to those moments of crystal clear reason and absolute freedom that I was able to feel then.
Continuing my attempts to get out, I got caught one day. As always, falling asleep at the usual time, I suddenly regained consciousness in the middle of the night and to my horror found that I was in sleep paralysis, and something was present in my head. You can probably imagine someone uninvited entering your home at a time when you are completely defenseless, such as when you are sleeping. So, this is something like that, only they did not come to your home, but right into consciousness. It's like you're sharing your brains with someone else. It's hard for me to say what it was, but it was a damn scary creature. It may be similar to how the Chupacabra is drawn - black, with thorns, red eyes and a predatory face. But only that hand-drawn and you can say funny Chupacabra, and it was too realistic hellish creature. She hissed terribly, her nature was absolutely predatory, but what is most terrible, she repeatedly prevailed over me mentally, an extraordinary intellect was felt in her. And she wanted to destroy my mind, but what is there, she already did it. I had the feeling that I was being eaten alive or my brain was being taken out a little. How I wanted to scream! I don’t know what helped me, but I gave out a mouse squeak and woke up.
I paused for a while, but then I continued again. True, I got worse and worse and more interference. Similar cases, by the way, were repeated a couple of times, but I managed to wake up instantly and found that the cause of the hellish hiss of the reptilian creature was the car outside the window. Some of the neighbors often drove somewhere at night and his car made completely unnatural sounds. So again but eh. I did not find out anything that could be verified.
But nevertheless, I learned to decipher my dreams. I can predict the future from them even when it practically does not depend on me and I always know what will happen, only I don’t know how. I do not at all see in my dreams a concrete picture of the future, I, like everyone else, see in them abstract surreal worlds from the debris of the past and present, seen in a movie or read in a book. But these strange images are code, with a key to which you can get a general idea of the events of the future. This idea mainly concerns exactly the emotions that are to be experienced, and with regard to places, people and other things, there is often a complete discrepancy. I don’t know how, but we somehow know everything, and in a dream, in our subjective reality, from some pieces of memory that came to hand, we simulate situations that we are going to experience in the future, although we are not aware of this.
We can recall a couple more cases. Once I regained consciousness and saw the starry sky above me, although I realized at the same time that I was looking through the ceiling, and there were clouds in the sky now. Another time I flew to the stars, but that flight is interesting because I did not fly, but increased in size. Despite the surrealism of such journeys, physics definitely works in them. I always had to either push off, or increase in size, as it were, spread to a certain place. Moreover, the second method worked in the brightest exits, while the flight with repulsion in an ordinary body took place in less lucid dreams. Dreams often passed from one state to another. They started out as a normal dream, and gradually moved into a state of maximum awareness. At the same time, the scenery changed and I ended up where I really am.
All of this, of course, made me think about life after death. What are the visions of those who have experienced clinical death? Are there somewhere in a parallel reality those who have already died and what is it like for them there? Are Past Life Testimonies True? I think yes and no.
Most likely death is a dream. The death of a person is associated with the release of energy and strong brain activity. This activity continues for some time after death. In a dream, in a short period of real time, we can see a lot, and much more time will pass for us than in the real world. The peculiar effect of time dilation, which occurs with increasing speed, is the twins paradox. A person after death may, perhaps not always, fall into an altered state of consciousness, see everything around, travel anywhere while his brain is working at full capacity and can be like a radar. This may not happen. A person will fall into an ordinary sleep, will live his usual, somewhat distorted life and will not understand that he has died. Maybe this understanding will come to him in the process. For the living, this time will last a few days, for him it may be eternity. What he will see, his lucid dreams or not, will be his hell and heaven. Can a person go nowhere, just disconnect and stop all sorts of activities? Perhaps. Sometimes you want to hope so. Will he eventually disappear forever when his brain stops functioning? As a person and as an impulse, it is likely to dissipate. Considering that people are always interconnected, and represent a single collective mind, a person can occupy part of the memory in each of them and download from there as through a torrent. Perhaps in this form, his personality will no longer be complete, but he can still dream and ask why he was buried without slippers, if at his level of self-awareness it seems important. Ultimately, consciousness is one for all, and personality is just a program. To see a past life is to get information about one of the programs that have worked in the past. Maybe all this is written in the crystals of the planet, maybe it is emitted by the stars, I don't know. Perhaps, if all life on Earth disappears, it will repeat itself somewhere else. It is too complex to be destroyed senselessly and irrevocably. Surely this is all related to space.
It all started from space. As a child, I loved space. I had a space atlas, I watched various science fiction films about space. Star Wars, for example, from a friend on a color TV. It was in the late of 80-s.
One frosty winter day, as always, I loaded a full portfolio of books and went to school. Doshol to the tram stop, it was the last one, and then everything died out. There are no people, a couple of trams are empty, cars do not drive either. Strange, I thought, and went on foot. I walked so often, more often to the intersection through the park, there are slides, bungees, but there was a lot of snow and I went along the rails. Suddenly there will be a tram. It was about three kilometers to go. But there was no tram and all the time I saw only a couple of company cars. When I got to school, I was frozen through and through. I approached the school, but it turned out to be closed. Apparently the holidays started earlier because of the weather, but for some reason I didn't know about it. Of course, I was delighted and went home. I don't remember how I got home. I remember lying in bed, my mother shoves me some medicine, and I say that I see letters on the ceiling. Or it was she who later said that I said so. Then night fell and I began to fall into a nightmare delirium now and then coming to my senses and again falling there. I don't know how an eight-year-old child can have such dreams, otherwise I knew something else besides what I saw in this life.
First I saw the flood. I don't know how it happened, but it was a terrible flood. There was nothing left after him. I knew that somewhere under the waters was the land on which I lived, there were everyone I knew, and now I am swimming in the endless ocean under a dark leaden sky and around me, as far as my eyes can see, dead bodies are floating.
After that I woke up, but I was still delirious, and I dreamed of something that I could not understand in any way, but I felt that this was the worst thing that could be, some kind of catastrophe of a cosmic scale. I saw images - a huge dark block of incredible mass, which was opposed by a fluff, and the chances were zero. She had to be crushed, and I was desperate trying to figure out what that meant.
Then it took on a specific look. It has become a huge rock in space. The rock was gray and looked like an irregular asteroid, but the size of a planet. It was dimly lit and flew lonely in space. I didn't really think about this stone later, until I saw a visualization of the Earth without water. This stone looked like a pear and was the size of the Earth.
After that, I saw the Earth from above. She was beautiful. It was spring there, apple and cherry trees were blooming, cozy houses peeped out from under the lush white crowns between them, it was close and dear and I knew that for some reason it must be destroyed. I felt an unbearable melancholy, a feeling of absolute hopelessness, began to cry and woke up.
And again I was delirious, I saw some distant star, a planet, I don’t know, and I could not get rid of the feeling of inevitable disaster. I understood that it was coming from outer space and that it was the inevitable death of everything, but I did not understand why I should know this. I just wanted to be at home, wake up, and none of this was. I understood that this was a dream and delirium, and nothing like that could be, I would wake up and everything would be over. But it was something as if a terrible secret was suddenly revealed to you, which completely crosses out your life.
I ended up forgetting myself and falling asleep. In this dream, I found myself in a strange place, I saw it from above and was on the ground. It was some kind of good world in which you could live carefree. Maybe it was another planet. There was a lot of water, but the reservoirs were not deep, rather rivers and large lakes than oceans and seas. There was enough light, but the light was red and yellow like sunset, and the sky was dark. I forgot about my nightmare there for a while, but gradually something began to put pressure on me. I felt that an incredible load was falling on me, which could not be sustained and which would crush me. I had to hold in an incomprehensible way that which was impossible to hold. And then I began to grow. I became majestic like Atlas, holding the celestial sphere on my shoulders and continuing to increase in size, I pierced the dark sky and ended up in space.
I knew that I was in space very far from the Earth, beyond the solar system, and somewhere there was something that I was afraid of. I came here to see it, to face my fear. At first I found myself in pitch darkness, but gradually my vision adjusted and I began to see. A barely noticeable red flicker was approaching from the darkness, it grew more and more and I realized that it was a huge planet. To see it, to face your fear. At first I found myself in pitch darkness, but gradually my vision adjusted and I began to see. A barely noticeable red flicker was approaching from the darkness, it grew more and more and I realized that it was a huge planet.
We are used to seeing planets lit by the sun, but this planet did not look at all like that. She was in complete darkness and did not have a luminous halo hidden behind her. From a distance, she was almost indistinguishable and emerged in front of me like a night monster, sparkling with many glowing red eyes.
This spectacle is difficult to convey. The size of this planet was simply colossal, it could be compared to a star. In total darkness, she emitted a faint reddish light, like shimmering coals, enough to illuminate her surroundings. The surface of this planet was covered with countless vein-like luminescent veins. Some were thicker, some very thin, in some places they were not at all. They were very similar to what volcanoes or night cities from space look like from the sky at night, or maybe there was both. The complexity of these lines was so great that looking at these patterns one could see their division into smaller ones endlessly, and at the same time they occupied an incredibly huge area. The planet was all covered with a muddy haze, which in places covered it completely and only slightly let through the inner light, and in places one could see gaps in which stunning panoramas the size of almost the Earth of plains illuminated by inner light, dotted with luminous veins, opened up.
I was very close, practically in orbit, and saw everything so real that no pictures, even photographs of other planets can compare with the realism of this view. And I also felt horror. It was just an anihilating horror of the mind, as if an electric current was passed through me and I had nothing left but to disintegrate into atoms looking at this sight. I really felt how my self was falling apart and now there was nothing left of me except the awareness of what was happening. I was aware that this is the end.
But that was not the end. At that moment when I reached my extreme point, I was thrown out of there and I began to move with incredible speed along a narrow long spiral, in which my whole life seemed to be vilified in front of me, bringing me together.
I found myself in a solar system and saw it all. Here was the Earth and other planets, the Sun was shining and something important was happening. All the planets are lined up in a curved line like an arm of the galaxy and forming a pendulum. And it was clear to me that everything was preparing for something solemn, and this is connected with the sun. Something must happen that has radiant and all-conquering power, something that cancels everything and makes evil impossible.
And I realized that the world was saved, that everything was behind me, the stone fell from my shoulder and now I am free - after all, everything can be changed. You just need to put things in order, you need to tell everything about everything. I woke up when the sky was already light and now dawn was about to come. I knew everything! I ran around the room, obsessed with the understanding of saving knowledge. After some time, this awareness began to fade away and I realized that I was still sleeping. I opened my eyes and saw that it was still completely dark outside, and I didn't even have enough strength to get out of bed. There was only an unpleasant aftertaste from what he saw and the words spinning in my head - it is necessary to put things in order, it is necessary to tell everything about everything

I am not the Original Poster. That is u/TWAFOR. He posted in relationship_advice and offmychest. This is a long post.
There was a previous BORU post posted by u/ForeskinSlayer 7 months ago with the first two posts. You can find that here. The new update is marked with ****\* I also added some relevant comments to the first post.
Trigger Warnings:miscarriage; ill parent; abuse; mental illness; gang rape
Mood Spoiler: Depressing but ends hopeful
Original Post: September 22, 2022
A little background: my mum and dad were both orphans, my dad died two weeks before I was born, my mum didn't really have a support system, so we were just the two of us. I never lacked anything because my mother worked all her life to give me the life I have today and didn't even have time for herself to start a new life again. She did all the little jobs possible so that we didn't miss anything. She deprived herself of food to give me food, I had very good clothes while she had none. I saw her make sacrifices again and again and always with a smile, frankly I always thought she was an angel dressed in a human body. The only time she yelled at me was when I was 16 when I saw her getting sick and working at the same time.
I wanted to help her by finding a job, but she was angry and told me it was not my job to take care of her and it was up to her to take care of me, she wanted me to get really good grades to get into the best universities it's the only way I can protect myself when she can't anymore. Even at university she didn't want me to work, I had to be focused on my studies, but she wanted me to volunteer "so that I could be an adult who could do something with his hands". I met my wife there while both of us were volunteered.
My wife is a good person, but she was never close to her parents or her siblings. Yet she adored my mother since she met her, there were times when I thought she loved my mother more than she loved me and we laughed about it, deep down, I think she was looking for the bond between mother and daughter that she did not have from her mother. When I finished my studies, I found a job, we move in together, but she wasn't comfortable that I call my mom everyday (remind you those were 10 - 15 minutes call) but eventually she stop bring It on.
Two years later I bought a house for my mother, because we never had a house in our name, we lived from apartment to apartment, so for all the sacrifices she made it was for me the least of it and it was non-negotiable, that's where the problems started with my wife (then GF). She wanted me to think about us first, I told her my dream had always been to buy my mom a house since I was little and that's what I had to do. But she complained about It to my mom. My mom didn't even knew I bought a house for her as It was suppose to be a surprise for her birthday. She was uncomfortable of receiving the house because of my wife and told me that wasn't necessary that we could use It for us when we get married.
I was furious, I told my mother that the house was for her that she could do with it whatever she wanted but it was time for her to think about herself first. Our relationship survived that, we got married and then we had our own house.
Our life was going well until two months ago when my mother fell ill, I wanted her to come and live with us so that I could take care of her, but my wife didn't want to, I then decided to rent an apartment with my own money right next to our house so that I could be close to her and go there to take care of her. But even that idea didn't sit well with my wife. Me and my wife don't have children yet, we both work, I usually come home at 6 p.m., but since my mother is sick, I go to see her and come home at 8 p.m. On weekends I see her for 1 or 2 hours and the rest of the time I spend It with my wife. We go on dates, I always accompany her in her hobbies even though she never went to mine.
Two days ago she told me that she thought about it and she thinks I prioritize my mother too much. She told me that I had to choose between my mother and the life I want to build with her.The truth is that I never made her feel that way. We both work but I'm the one who cooks, and I pay a person to do the housework. I make sure I do the dishes she likes, she didn't even know what I like to eat because I never complain. I run her baths, give her massages, flowers, I write her poems that I hide somewhere in the house for her to find out, we go on a trip one weekend a month, I earn much more money than her, I told her to keep her money for herself and I take care of all the bills even hers, I always make sure to listen to her and consider her opinion, and I think I am easy going because I can change my mind to accommodate hers, but I realize that she tries to completely dominate me and the only subject where I don't give her a choice is my relationship with my mother . So there I'm going to have a talk with her and put some very clear bounderies, if she doesn't want to, well, we're going to divorce. Just want It out of my chest
Relevant Comments: (There were a lot of them so I chose only a few)
If you're not neglecting your wife, what does she want from you?
"Well, I ask the same question but she can't answer, she said she feel that way. I think she does a lot of projecting of her own relationship with her mother. Her mother is very toxic and abusive. I always try to be there for her listening to her, being her support system but any time I am listening her, she end up telling me I can't even understand her, because I have the perfect mother."
More about his wife and mom's relationship:
"As I say in some of my comments. I didn't do justice to my wife when I wrote the post because I was so upset and overwelmed. But she is a wonderful human being, not just with me but with everybody as far as I know. And of course when I cook, she will wash the dishes, we have a housekeeper too. She was with me when I didn't have money supported me a lot when I decided to create my own company and we get along very well.I always told my wife, since she was my gf that she was family. There are not a side because we are all in the same side. Matter of fact, my wife talk to my mom everyday and call her "mom", she buy her gift more than I do. She even told me once that she wish she was her mom. So because of those paradox I am in lost.
I honestly don't recall the way I present stuff as "let's do this for my mom" or "I am doing this" but It's something I have to pay attention for. The thing is, my wife have her own accounts and never consult me for things she do with that money and It's fine for me. We have accounts that we use for our daily financial expenses or major financial decisions, and everything related to those account we discuss about It, she is the one in charge with that. And of course we wife savings accounts too but I also have my own accounts. It's with those account I for exemple rent a house for my mom to be near us, that I can help friends here and there and doing whatever reasonable enjoyment I have.So I don't really get the problem to be honest. As far I am concern I won't put my mom aside while she need be, that's a dealbreaker for me. So I will suggest therapy first before taking any decision"
One more comment to address the many people who think he is treating his mom as his wife/prioritizing mom:
"Ouaw, you are into weird manga or something. "treating my mom as she was my wife" ? I don't have Oedipus complex you can feel at ease.
I won't say It again, because you can believe whatever brings you to the conclusion you already make up your mind, but YEAH I am a big mama's boy because I call my mom less than 15min everyday and will see her every other sunday. Yes I am a shitty husband because I wanted to commit the crime of moving in my mom the time she heals but ended up commit a bigger crime by renting a house near mine so I can spend 2 hours with her everyday while she is sick. What a shitty human being I am for buying a house to my mom first while my wife wasn't even my wife. What a shitty husband I am for not taking consideration my wife feeling in the matter of how to handle my relationship with my mother. But guess what I am fucking proud of myself for what I am handling the relationship with my mother. I am just a different human being than you. So you do you and I'll stay the shitty human I am."
Update Post: October 11, 2022 (3 weeks later)
Hi guys, I keep getting messages asking me for an update, I wanted to do it sooner but couldn’t spare time to do it properly. First of all I would like to thank everyone for the comments and DMs in my last post, I tried to reply to everyone but I couldn't. I read you all tho.
Before confronting my wife I had time to reflect, and I came to the conclusion that I will never again let anyone in my life dictate the relationship I should have with my mother or the time I should dedicate to her. So I decided to answer the ultimatum, but first I wanted to know if there was another reason why she gave me this ultimatum, she replied that nope. I asked her apart from what she blamed me for was there something she wanted to tell me but couldn't tell me. She said there was nothing and asked me to come to the point so I told her I wanted a divorce.She remained frozen, I think she was shocked because she wasn't talking, she was just staring at me.
I tell her everything that was on my mind, that our values ​​are too different, I was going through the worst moment of my life, my mother was sick, we did several tests with her, we still don't know what she's suffering from, we don't know her family medical history because she was an orphan. It makes me anxious to know that overnight I could find myself alone in the world, yes alone in the world because in these difficult times, I all I needed was her support but if my own wife thinks that I should give less attention to my mother who is sick and who needs me more than ever, it’s time to go to our separate way.
She still didn't say anything so I told her I'm going to a hotel for now and we'll discuss later how we're going to separate. I took some of my things and left.The next day when I went to see my mother, she figured out something wasn’t right but I was not going to tell her I was separating from my wife because she could not bear our relationship, especially since she was sick like that, I didn't want to add more torment to her. I never discuss my marriage issues with my mother anyway, so she does not know our problems and honestly, she adores my wife too much, and my wife behaves as if she was her own mother so I was not going tell her what she was thinking behind her back.
My mom ends up telling me that my wife didn't come by that day, yes, my wife who asks me to reduce my contact with my mother was seeing her every day and I never asked her to do anything for my mother. She calls my mother "mom". When she gets sick, she used to go to my mother so she will take care of her, it used to hurt me because it's as if I couldn't take care of her, but she said that this was not the same the attentions of a mother are different. I told myself that it was her way of creating a mother-daughter bond that she never had and I understood her. She ever said her mother used to tell her that she was not supposed to be born, that she was an accident that she almost aborted her and regrets not doing it. Only a monster could say that to her child.
So I never said anything whenever she wanted my mother's attention, besides I received enough love to share with whoever wanted. My mother after I left home to study became a foster mom for children. She always did until two years ago. I have always loved each of the children with whom I still keep in touch and whom I consider to be my siblings. Once a year, we all went on vacation together for a week, the children, my mother and my wife. I generally take two months of vacation of which the six weeks I devoted it to my wife but the two weeks that I devote to my mother and the children, it was too much for my wife.
Anyway, I'm rambling, so when my mom told me she didn't come to see her that day, I went back home because I was worried, I found her in the bathroom with her clothes and red eyes like she was crying all along. Seeing her like that was unbearable, I helped her out, but this woman who have so much pride, collapsed in front of me with lot of crying I don't know if it was an hour or two, but she kept crying, calm down crying again, I just stayed silent. She ended up telling me that deep down she never wanted me to involve any less in my mother life, she was always jealous of our relationship she was always jealous of the attention my mother gave to the other children, she knows that it wasn't rational but she couldn't help constantly striving to be number one in my mother's heart. It was kind of a competition for her, so when I wanted to take care of my mom she didn't want me to be the one taking care of her.
I was honestly furious without saying anything of course but I wondered if she was a psychopath or something? We are talking about a person who is seriously ill and she is thinking about her damn competition even if it means sabotaging the relationship I have with my mother and putting us in a situation where I wanted to divorce her. She told me that she was very jealous of me and that she would have liked to be in my place, if she had to choose she would have even chosen to be my mother's child rather than my wife even if I was the love of her life and the only man she ever known.She also told me that even if the world falls apart around me, I will remain stoic, that I live as if I don't need anyone and that I give everything to others but I don't know how to let others reach me and she never managed to get there, only my mother could get there. At that moment, I did not know what else to say, I was hooked on this idea of competition so that I did not immediately grasp the scope of these words.
But I still listened to her to the end. I put her to bed until she fell asleep, then I went to sleep in an other room. In the morning she was acting like anything happened she was being herself she said I don’t have to pity. I told her It was out of love she was still my wife. She left to work and I do the same but decided to stay at the hotel from the time being.During that time, I wondered what I could have made the saying act so that she could think about that.
Deep down I think she's right, it's a defense mechanism I've had since childhood, I've never stayed in one place longer to make friends, it was heartbreaking to every time we have to move between my 5 to my 15 I have moved more than fifty times, from apartment to apartment, from hotel room to hotel room, and since then I think I have always lived my relationships like a squat. I never unpacked and settled in because I knew at any moment I could be kicked out. But I thought with my wife I acted differently, but I guess not. So I thought maybe we didn't need to go that far, what we needed wasn’t divorce but therapy.
Then this happened. A little over a week after our discussion, I was called from the hospital. my wife had been hospitalized, she apparently did not feel well. I went to visit her, but she didn't want to see me. If you see the eyes I saw, I've never seen so much hate in just two eyes. I told her besties so she can have her system support because she didn’t want me there. I told my mom, she asked me what I had done to my wife so that she ended up in the hospital, and that I should not stress a woman who was PREGNANT. I said what? She told me my wife told her and asked her to keep it a secret because she wanted to tell me herself when she was ready.
I don't know what was going through my head, between anger that it was my mother who told me or happiness at having to be a dad for the first time and total confusion at the surreal situation. I went to my wife and told her I knew, but she looked at me again angrily and told me she had lost the baby and it was my fault.
In an instant, I just get the news my wife was pregnant but keep it from me, that I was going to be a dad and that we lost the baby and that she was accusing me of having caused something that I did not even know. She asked me to leave and I left. I always wanted children, very early on. My wife wanted to put her career first, I understood and accepted, I've been trying to convince her for years but without success, now she gets pregnant, she doesn't tell me anything, she talks to my mother about it, and she says I caused her miscarriage.
Since then, she says she didn't tell me anything because she wanted to first confirm if I could deal with all the responsibilities I give myself and raise a child at the same time. I don’t understand her, and I admit since then I have a fierce hatred against her. I don't know how to look at her without having anger on me and I don't want to hurt her with my words, I take care of her at home but we don't talk to each other. I'm not going to stay with her, it's not possible. I started a session with a psychologist, he told me that patience was my best weapon, that I shouldn't make a permanent decision on emotions that could be temporary and that I should take time to see if there were things to salvage. Here is where I am. I don't know if I'll do another update, I took days off to be there for my wife and for my mother but I'm feeling pretty depressed and I just want to get away from all this bullshit right now. Thank you in any case for giving me your point on your first post, for your support or your critics.
*****Update Post 2: February 2, 2023 (4.5 months from first post)****\*
Hi folks ! It's been a while. I didn't intend to post again after my last one, but even though it's been months, I still get supports and people asking me where I am in my life. So I think I owe you at least one last update because your comments and DMs helped me a lot during a time I needed it the most. I don't know if it's going to be long or not, but let's go.
About my wife
After she had a miscarriage (yes she was definitely pregnant), I had to take care of her because she couldn't do it on her own. After what happened, I had nothing but anger and hatred in me, but as I said last time if something is fragile enough to break, you have no choice but to treat it gently. I didn't want her to break, I didn't want to leave her in the worst time of her life. So I did my duty as a husband.despite everything, her mental state was getting worse, she thought she was still pregnant and she was talking to herself.
One night she was delirious, mistaking me for her father and thinking that I was going to hurt her. I had to call the emergency room then after examination a psychiatrist advised me to have her hospitalized. That's what I did. she spent 6 weeks there.
She was diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder. Doctors suspect delusional disorder too. And they also suspect that she was heavily abused as a child, but that's all they were allowed to tell me. She didn't want to see anyone, especially her family. She suggested that we communicate through letters and every time I went there, I took her letter, then the next day I drop mine. It's crazy, I have the impression that in 2 months, I got to know her better than the ten years I spent by her side.
That reminded me how a good person she use to be despite her flaws. She used to travel to participate in the construction of schools, wells, anything that can help people who lived in precariousness. She didn't just give money, she helped out with her own hands. She's the type to help a foreigner who doesn't speak the language catch his train until she misses her own train. Honestly she was like a goldmine with lots of resources and kindness in her. Although we had money, we used to enjoy taking public transport to remember the time when we were penniless and enjoy life just because having each other were enough. We would travel without taking money and challenge each other to know how far we will get. that was the best moment of our lives. We were very close and in love. We thought nothing could break us, what has changed since then?
We tried to figured out in the letters we give each other.We talk about many things, I won't go into details. She own up her mistakes and I own up mine. She takes full responsibility of the consequences of her actions. she apologize for how she treated me and know that the only possible outcome is that we divorce. She need to heal and work on herself. She said she have a long way to go and it wasn't fair for me. She said that given her condition, I wasn't going to talk to her about a divorce. She had to do it herself. There are some battles she need to fight on her own, otherwise she will never be the best version she could be. She doesn't know how long it's going to take, but if she gets there and I haven't move on, then she'll be happy to start again with me.
I've always lived with the idea of fixing broken things rather than throwing them away. But that doesn't work with humans. You can't fix someone unless they want to be fixed. And I wouldn't have had the strength to fix someone because I'm putting all my remaining energy into trying to fix myself. If my wife hadn't made the decision she made, I myself would have proposed a divorce. Paradoxically, it was because she made the decision she made that I saw that there was hope for us. I then offered her a separation rather than a divorce. And a year from now, if we still want to get divorced, we'll get divorced, if we trust that we could be in a healthy relationship, then we'll get to know each other again, communicate and try to do things differently.
She agreed and said that was what she hoped. When she got out of the hospital, she didn't want us to meet because if we saw each other, she wouldn't have had the strength to keep her resolutions.
For my part, I had not yet let go all the negative feelings following the events that happened before her hospitalization, so in the end it was best for both of us. We chose to continue to send each other letters and that's fine with me for now.She was able to see my mother. She wrote me what my mother told her. That she will always be a mother figure to her, despite the bad decisions she made, that she didn't have to compete for her love because she already had it. And that's one thing that will never change. She asked me if I was ok with her being in touch with my mother, I told her it was up to them, she didn't need my consent. However, she was not likely going to see my mother too often because I had decided to go in an other country for my mother so she could benefit from one of the best hospitals in the world, which is in Europe.
About me
I've been in Germany for almost 1 month now (We are from France), and And I'm learning to delegate work. It's a resolution I made during my therapy. I needed therapy and it was especially you guys who convinced me, I will always be grateful to you. The therapy sessions were so heavy and tiring that I didn't have the strength to do much after leaving my therapists' room but It get better over time.
I am currently working remotely, I go back to France once a week to settle things at work and continue my therapy sessions because I don't want to change therapists. I manage to devote time only to myself, which is actually good. One of my foster brothers wanted to come with us to Germany since he manages to work remotely too, he is a great help. In short, I'm getting better and better.
About my mom
This is probably the most difficult subject to discuss. And I admit that I don't really want to talk about it, but I also think that talking about it here is good practice to be able to talk about it in my life.A few years ago, we lived from apartment to apartment, hotel to hotel. This is one of the worst times of our lives. The state always found us a place to sleep because we were a single mother an a child. It wasn't stable because we had to change places every time, but it was better than sleeping outside.
My mother was and still is a very beautiful woman, it happened that she received sexual proposals for an apartment right in front of my eyes. I don't know what she went through with my dad, but she never wanted to be with an other person, because she says death doesn't stop a loving relationship from continuing.
There was an association that used to take care of us by always finding for us a place to stay at night. one day, one of the people who were in charge to find us places to sleep, wanted us to stay in his apartment, the time that they find us a better place because we were in a very unsanitary hotel.
My mother didn't want to go but I convinced her to go because the idea of sleeping warm in a good bed was all I could think of. But after we had diner on his place he started making move on my mother who stopped him right away. He told us it was either that or we get out of his house. So we left. We went back to the hotel where we were, but our room was already taken. There was nothing we could do, at least that day, so we chose to slept outside.
Trigger Warning: Gang RapeAt some point, while sleeping we were woken up by a group of men who were trying to rape my mother, they hit me so hard that I was even afraid to try to help my mom. Some other men whom I guess came back from a party heard the screams and came to help us, our attackers fled. I always said that my mother was almost raped, that's what I always said and I ended up believing it. But my mother was indeed raped before my eyes. I finally said it. My mother was raped before my eyes and I couldn't do anything. If that day we had thrown ourselves into each other's arms and cried together, maybe things would have been different? But she got up, took my arm and told me that this place was not safe that we had to look for a safer place. That was all.
We never talked about that day again. We carried on with our lives as if nothing had happened, things got better eventually, she worked hard so that I could be successful, she invested all the money she earn in her entire life on my project and today I owe her the company I created. How did she managed to survive the hell she'd been through? Ever since I came to terms with the idea that she was raped, all I wanted was to tell her about it, but it's not about me, it's about her. She's the one who experienced the worst.
I would so much like to talk to her about it, but I don't know what good can come out of it after so many years. That's it, that's all. As for today her condition is improving. The future looks brighter than it did a few months ago.
Well, I think that's all, this will be my last post. to all who have followed me in those hard time, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and wish you the best in your life. May what you have left to live be better than what you have already lived.
Editor's note- for some reason when I posted all of the paragraphs disappeared. Sigh. Hopefully it is fixed now.
Edit 2: Great tldr comment written here