Hey guys I just want to tell you how proud I am of you for having the balls to stick this out. After 31 or 32 years, I finally one day three months ago lost all desire. People can smoke around me, I had my paraphernalia and weed in a drawer in my room, and just gave it away a few weeks ago. I have zero desire, but the physical withdrawal is very concerning.
I have three autoimmune diseases despite doing literally everything to mitigate them, fasting, elimination diets, self care Etc. In fact I went blind young because of one of them and I had to get surgery. Now we all know that cannabis is really good for suppressing flare-ups, antibodies, cytokines Etc. I have Hashimoto's autoimmune hypothyroidism. Well since I quit, and despite quitting chocolate and sugar at the same time, what thyroid function I have had has totally collapsed even with the use of Levothyroxine, thyroid medicine.
This has caused my cholesterol to escalate to 300 despite having an extremely healthy and Clean Diet, it has caused my triglycerides and blood sugars to elevate to the point of near diabetes, and this would be diabetes one, the autoimmune one. My antibodies have escalated to almost 700 from 150, and my liver enzymes indicate that I have fatty non-alcoholic inflamed liver.
There is literally nothing more I can do with my diet, and I am athletic and maintain a good weight despite a collapsing metabolism. I am a biological scientist so I've scoured the medical literature and I'm hoping that high dose melatonin can get this under control. We need to consider that cannabis is a very powerful medicine, although it is an addictive one that strips away concentration and executive functioning.
Although my brain is functioning like kick ass, even with the deranged thyroid levels, my health is spiraling into very dangerous territory cannabis did a good job of suppressing. The problem is is that the demands of my job and my absolute disgust with using it simply don't permit me to pick it back up again. I am absolutely done with it and it's repugnant to me.

Trying to keep this short and not give away too much as far as where I guess! I’m having a difficult time making a decision and taking a leap of faith on creating a plan to find something else, as I would NEVER quit without having something lined up first. I’ve been with my company for 5 years but current position for 1 year, which was a promotion from the last. More money and a better title put stars in my eyes at first, I won’t lie. However, the only pro left that I can speak to at this time, is the fact that we work from home. They fail both our clients and our employees on a regular basis and like majority of large corporations, the bottom line is the bottom dollar. It shouldn’t even be a stressful job, yet somehow it is for my entire team. It’s also a little hard to even alleviate that stress, as it’s like pulling teeth to use time off and when it is granted, most of us still work during that time, due to fear of how much more the work load will be when we return. For context, I took 2 days of a vacation a couple weeks ago and came back 257 emails, both direct and just me copied. Just two days 🤯 Lastly, it’s now affecting family time. Mandatory OT (which was previously forbidden) is now in play, to try to catch up to the fact that people started leaving several months ago, with no hurried plans for them to backfill. My husband works nights, with usually 1 day off himself and my son does summer camp all day, with pickup time at 6pm. He usually goes to bed at 9pm and lately, the time spent between that is, you guessed it, working. Random hours on the weekend when they decide we’re needed, working. He’s attached to my hip so he will usually bring all his books, arts and crafts, balls, games and whatever else in my office and hang out but it’s not the same vibe and I hate it. Both son and husband are basically feelings like “damn, you’re always working”. Thankfully, I’m able to cook meals ahead of time on weeks where I know time will be REAL tight, so that helps save a little time too at least. I don’t know, we get this ONE life and I just wanna find balance in it I guess. Any advice is appreciated and helpful. Thanks for reading.

If you’re new to the community, introduce yourself! 1. What's your Python Level? 2. What brought you here? 3. Are you looking for a mentor? Are you looking to be a mentor? 4. A fun fact!

My broker is having a tough time finding lenders who will play ball due to the fact that I’m employed as casual and less than 12 months even though I have a 200k deposit and my partner is full time?
I’ve kinda always been casual, it just suits me better but I’ve always made a decent living. Any others out there experienced this?

If you have a strong aversion or fear of cotton balls, there's a name for it, it's called Sidonglobophobia! I was diagnosed with ADHD relatively late in life (early twenties, now 28) and Im continuing to learn new things about myself which are caused by this oh so lovely condition. Im no scientist, in fact the science know about sensory issues regarding ADHD itself is not very well understood, which is why Im turning to Reddit to see if there are others like me.
As long as I can remember, I've always absolutely hated to touch cotton balls. If you're like me you know exactly what I mean, it's rubbing the cotton ball between your fingers that makes the weird crunch feeling that sends shivers down my spine. Some people have worse case of this phobia than others and I don't actually have a fear of them but I will do everything I can to avoid being in contact with them. Amonst other things, there are certain textures I also hate touching, the primary ones being velour, velvet and towels (but only when my hands are at a very specific and indescribable level of moistness lol).
I wanna know if there are many of you who also suffer a case of Sidonglobophobia and are also diagnosed with ADHD, as I wonder if it could be a common denominator. I did make some reasearch on google but could only find a single reddit post about sensory issues with a couple of people mentioning they hate cotton balls. So people, what about you?

Hello,
I'm looking for a playbook which allow me to change admin password on Fortigate.
Here is the created playbook:
---
- hosts: fortigate
gather_facts: false
collections:
- fortinet.fortios
connection: ssh
vars:
vdom: "global"
ansible_httpapi_use_ssl: yes
ansible_httpapi_validate_certs: no
ansible_httpapi_port: 4343
​
tasks:
- name: set user password
fortios_system_admin:
state: "present"
system_admin:
name: toto
password: toto123
toto123 should be the new password for user toto
When I exec this playbook, I have the following output:
fatal: [fortigate]: FAILED! => {"ansible_facts": {"discovered_interpreter_python": "/usbin/python"}, "changed": false, "module_stderr": "Shared connection to 192.168.92.1 closed.\r\n", "module_stdout": "fortigate # 8497: Unknown action 0\r\nCommand fail. Return code -1\r\n\r\nfortigate # ", "msg": "MODULE FAILURE\nSee stdout/stderr for the exact error", "rc": 0}
Any idea on what it's missing ?
Thanks for your help !

Hi, sorry if this post becomes long and rambling. Looking for insight about my mixed symptoms/diagnosis, potential medication. Part of my motivation for making this post was some stuff my boyfriend said to me tonight about how I don't seem to ever get anything done.
I've been working really hard these past few years on my mental health, and repeatedly the idea of ADHD has come to my attention: an ADHD friend saw symptoms in me, a therapist suggested it, and my own research on ADHD lines up with some of my struggles. So i finally decided to see a psychiatrist about it, and did an evaluation (took me almost a month to send in the very simple evaluation paperwork, fwiw).
For a number of reasons i wasn't a huge fan of the psych's communication style, so I am not sure she is the ultimate best source of knowledge on this. However, she basically said I am right on the borderline of being diagnosed, could technically qualify but hard to call definitively (but she still very casually offered a prescription for meds if I wanted it?)
This does, however, match a lot of my own feelings on the subject: in some ways i really relate to ADHD symptoms, in other ways I don't at all. I exhibit a lot of issues with motivation and focus... the idea of doing anything difficult or complex becomes a feeling of dread or unbearable boredom, even things i supposedly enjoy, like making art or gardening. I have let a lot of opportunities go just because I can't seem to "make time for them". In reality i have the time, I lack the drive. Once I do get into a productive mode, it's often quite scattered, doing a little bit of this and that all over the place, often not quite finishing, or on the other hand, I become obsessive and not able to stop even to eat or go to the bathroom. This is rare compared to the scattered unfinished approach, but definitely happens occasionally, especially when I have a deadline.
On the other hand, I'm fairly organized: my house stays clean ish, i don't lose things very often (but yes, occasionally), i like having systems and labels for keeping my things organized, i keep a calendar and lots of to-do lists (that being said, if i don't my life quickly spirals out of control and i forget every obligation, no matter how important. I have even still managed to miss appointments when i had 3 different reminders set. I am often late. I have missed too many flights to count). I am good at planning complex vacations or events, ie things i find fun. I am known as a planner amongst my friends. On the other hand, sometimes planning/knowing how to get started on more simple tasks like running errands can become overwhelmingly complicated.
I don't have much physical hyperactivity, in fact I'd say I'm much worse about being a couch potato. I can sit on my phone all day, and have had serious addictive tendencies with social media. I do pick my nails and cuticles obsessively, however, and i suppose this would be my "fidget," which gets worse with anxiety. I talk a lot, loudly and fast, and often interrupt people, but with awareness I have gotten much better about this. I even talk out loud to myself all the time, or to my cats.
I wouldn't say i struggle greatly with impulse control, except when it comes to social media useage, my one true addiction. But generally speaking, even though I have partied a lot and dabbled in many substances and whatnot since my teen years, I am also a fairly "responsible" person... although maybe I am comparing myself to a bunch of (lovely creative) degenerates I call my friends. I have definitely had way too many times when I've overindulged in various substances, but I wouldn't say I've ever had a period of any serious substance addiction, despite my prolonged exposure to them... So i guess that's why I don't feel impulse control is a big problem, but maybe my views are skewed. Oh and I should add I do have some impulsive spending habits with online shopping. Nothing super extreme, but not ideal either.
As for being "responsible:" I always got good grades in school (although I procrastinate like crazy and am always an anxious wreck rushing to get things done at the last minute). Although i certainly could be doing it more regularly, I am a pretty accomplished artist across many media. And although I do miss some deadlines and drop the ball when it comes to basic life responsibilities, I'd say I generally rise to the occasion of getting my most important shit done. Tax season and other bureaucratic stuff is the worst and hardest, but even that stuff I get through somehow.
The problem is, I want to do more than get my basics checked off at the last possible minute, with anxiety and procrastinating at every turn. I want to actually engage with the things I say I'm passionate about: art, the outdoors, gardening, yoga. I have collected the tools for so many hobbies over the years, things i genuinely enjoy when I'm doing them, and yet I have no motivation to actually get off my ass and do them. I have so many marketable skills and crafts that I just do nothing with. Is it depression? Is it ADHD? I'm having a really hard time telling.
So back to the thing my boyfriend said... It really hurt. He's working very hard rn in school and a job, and he said he doesn't know what i do with all my time, it seems like every time he gets home I'm just sitting on my phone. While I can see why he would say this, as I carry a lot of shame about it myself (ie the socia media addiction mentioned above), it also hurt that he doesn't see my to-do lists from every week, trying to stay on top of cleaning, health appointments, and regularly cooking meals for us. I have expressed that I am struggling with my mental and physical health and I felt his comment was pretty insensitive.
At the same time, he's echoing my own feelings, which is probably why it is so hard to hear. I am not living to my full potential and I know that. I have examples of people in my life, for instance my super stellar manager who I really admire, who has a demanding job, raising a kid, regularly fixing up his house, and has creative side hobbies. I have all the knowledge and capability to do those things, everything except the drive and functioning ability to just FRIGGEN DO IT. Part of my wants to have kids someday, part of me is scared I'm not capable of adding the huge amount of work that entails into my life. I feel like I just barely manage to stay on top of things as it is, plus I'd like to be doing a lot more projects and hobbies than I have been.
I'm considering medication, since the psych offered it to me, but given my fairly mild diagnosis I'm also thinking lifestyle changes would be a better place to start.
Gosh, I barely know what the point of this post is any more. I think i really just needed to talk to people who can relate. I know this sub is not here to confirm or deny a diagnosis... But any feedback, similar experiences, or clarification would be so appreciated.
If you made it all the way through this post (especially hard for people with ADHD, lol) then i commend you. Thanks for you time 💖

It is time! It's time to finally worship lord Banana forever! And so here are things that we already have - 1) A community 2) A god 3) A name 4) A welcome attitude
Now here are things that we want - 1) More people 2) A goal 3) Earth round of flat? 4) Banana cylinder or ball? Etc
So now. All people! I want you to leave your ideas about what our goal should be below! And if possible please answer 3 and 4.
All hail lord BANANA 🍌🍌 u/70percentbanana
Idea by u/SuccessfulAd8934 and me.

>>> Second part of the post
Avetrana is a small rural town – in beautiful Apulia, overlooking the gulf of Taranto – that comes alive especially during the summer season due to the influx of tourists looking for low-priced accommodation compared to the trendier resorts in the region. In the early 1980s, Avetrana was the site of demonstrations by the anti-nuclear movement in opposition to the desire of the national government to plant a nuclear power plant in the territory, though nowadays if you ask an Italian what is the first thing that comes to their mind when you say “Avetrana”, sadly they will almost certainly think of Sarah Scazzi.
Sarah’s case also arguably represents one of the latest examples of the “dark tourism” that has led hundreds of people to travel to the places where the most heinous crimes in recent Italian history – from the murder of Samuele Lorenzi to that of Meredith Kercher and Chiara Poggi – were committed. In the initial months following Sarah’s disappearance, the media has shone a spotlight on the small town from which Sarah disappeared and on its sometimes strange inhabitants. TV stations “dramatized” the whole affair and turned it almost into a soap opera for their loyal viewers. The lowest point in this story was finally reached when, on October 6, 2010, a reporter broke the news of Sarah’s body’s discovery to her mother on live television. This is how journalist Stefano Nazzi describes what happened in Avetrana in the days following Sarah’s disappearance:

From the end of August 2010 and for many months it became one of the most famous places in Italy. A place where an ugly crime had happened turned into a TV set where all rules were skipped, where reporters competed to grab exclusive interviews with those who perhaps had nothing to say.

It should be noted that – despite the fact that the criminal cases mentioned here have occupied the front pages of newspapers and news programs for a long time – it has become much more difficult in recent years for similar events to be treated so obsessively and morbidly by the mass media. Of course, TV programs that unabashedly eviscerate every aspect of a said murder still exist, but traditional news channels now seem to adhere to more careful guidelines on how to treat crime cases.

The disappearance

On the afternoon of August 26, 2010, at the Carabinieri Station Headquarters in Avetrana, 15-year-old Sarah Scazzi was reported missing, having left home – as her mother Concetta Serrano Spagnolo declared – in the early afternoon to go to the house of her cousin Sabrina Misseri, with whom she was supposed to take a trip to the beach. Sarah had on a pink T-shirt, pink shorts, and flip-flops, carried a black fabric backpack with writing on it, as well as the inseparable cell phone, recently received as a gift from her older brother and which she always held in her hand.
Who was the 15-year-old and what can be said more precisely about the hours surrounding her disappearance? Sarah reportedly had a strong character, was a bit lazy, liked Avril Lavigne and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She suffered from being away from her father and especially her brother, to whom she was very close (the two men were working in Milan at the time of the incident). She probably resented her mother’s strictness and saw her cousin Sabrina’s family as a safe haven, to the point of asking to be “adopted” by her aunt Cosima Serrano and her uncle Michele Misseri (at least this is what Cosima and Sabrina will say later).
Concerning what happened in the hours around Sarah’s disappearance, her mother Concetta reported that Sarah had left the house around 9 am; she had returned briefly during the course of the morning to get some money needed to buy some cream on behalf of her cousin Sabrina, and then she had gone home to go, almost immediately, in the company of her father to do the groceries around 12:30 pm; the two had returned home shortly before 1 pm. What happened next is a point of contention, but the most likely conclusion is that Sarah left her house to go to the Misseris between 1:55 pm and 2:00 pm – as indicated by Sarah’s housekeeper Maria Ecaterina Pantir – lying to her mother by saying that she had received Sabrina’s message telling her to go to her house.
Then, at 2:23 pm, Sabrina received a text message from her friend Mariangela Spagnoletti (“[give me] the time to put on the costume and I’m coming”) and immediately afterward notified her cousin (2:25:08 text message from Sabrina to Sarah “put on the costume fast and come”). Sarah, who had no cell phone credit, answered with a ring at 2:28:46 – this is her last alleged communication.
In an email sent to the editor of a local magazine in late August and made public in early September, psychic Rosemary Laboragine wrote:

I see a house but also a kind of garage. I don’t know, unfortunately I have a feeling of death. I feel her buried in the nearby countryside. I see wood and water.

The investigation

The search for Sarah begins a few days late by virtue of the fact that her disappearance was initially thought to be a voluntary departure. Sabrina suggests investigating Sarah’s father’s hometown and his unsavory acquaintances there. A man from Lecce who had sent a message to Sabrina pretending to be Sarah is heard by the Carabinieri. It also turns out that the 15-year-old had three Facebook profiles and had recently communicated with a married man, but this trail leads nowhere. On September 7, 2010, Carabinieri from the Taranto Investigative Unit handed prosecutors a report in which they requested (and obtained) an urgent wiretap of Claudio’s cell phone, since it was “suspicious that the young man did not feel the need to return to Apulia to inquire directly about his sister’s fate”.
An initial breakthrough in the investigation came with the discovery of the victim’s cell phone by Michele Misseri on September 29, 2010, the day after he was interrogated by the investigators in this case. Misseri recounted that he had gone, with the intent of retrieving a lost screwdriver, to a plot of land where, the previous day, he had done some cleanup work with a friend. There, in a burned pile of olive leaves, he had found the cell phone.
On October 4, 2010, at 4:20 pm, Michele Misseri was served an invitation to appear in the afternoon of October 6 at the Taranto Carabinieri Provincial Command. On the same evening, at 9:58 pm, a phone call between Sabrina Misseri and her ex-boyfriend Andrea Merico was intercepted, in which Sabrina was concerned about the fingerprints left by her father and herself on Sarah’s phone, admitting that she had touched the device on the very day of Sarah’s disappearance.
On October 5, a soliloquy of Michele Misseri in his car was recorded at 5:59 am. Misseri closed the door but did not start the engine and, after standing still and in silence for about a minute, spoke to himself, uttering the following words: “I feel sorry for my family... if they go... I will find them out [sic]”.
On October 6, Michele, his wife Cosima and their daughter Valentina went together to Taranto for their interrogations. At 7:59 am, a conversation was recorded in their car: Cosima advised her husband not to be specific about the times when, on the morning the cell phone was found, he had left home. At 15:46 am, Giuseppe Serrano, colleague and brother-in-law of Michele, tells the investigators that, on August 26, the latter arrived at work “way behind schedule”, 45 minutes later than when he was supposed to be there. Finally, in the evening, after 9 hours of interrogation,

As the search for the little girl continued unabated, Michele Antonio Misseri confessed to having killed his niece, strangling her, and to having suppressed her corpse; he, reserving the right to clarify at a later date the reasons and modalities of that insane act, led investigators to a well located in contrada Mosca in the countryside of Avetrana and allowed the discovery, following laborious digging operations that lasted all night, of Scazzi’s lifeless body and some of her personal belongings. Misseri’s confession was recorded in the presence of his defense counsel.

Misseri confessed that, the day Sarah disappeared, he was working in the garage to fix the tractor that wouldn’t start. At 2:25 pm, Sarah had suddenly arrived and, coming down to the garage, had told him “Uncle...” without adding anything else. The moment the little girl had then turned again to leave, Misseri had taken a piece of rope and twisted it around her neck twice, tightening about five to six minutes, even after Sarah had fallen to the ground. Misseri claimed that he had been seized by an “inexplicable rapture”, by a burst of nerves caused by the tractor not starting, but that it was not at all his intention to rape his niece, toward whom he had no sexual attraction.
The following day, during the hearing for the confirmation of the provisional arrest, Misseri changed drastically his account. To the judge’s and prosecutor’s questions about the possible sexual nature of the cause of his attack, he answered enigmatically: “It may be as well”. He confided that he had sexually assaulted Sarah on August 26, that she had reacted and he had had to kill her.
On October 15, 2010, Misseri was heard again and that consisted of a turning point in the case. In the morning interrogation, he confirmed the self-accusatory version already set forth in the two previous ones, but enriched it with details: he claimed that Sabrina had looked out onto the garage ramp immediately after her cousin’s killing, while Sarah’s body lay covered by a piece of cardboard; to the prosecutor’s objection that, in that case, Sabrina could not have failed to notice at the very least Sarah’s beach slippers, which had been left out of that hastily organized cover, Misseri further modified his account, asserting that Sabrina had arrived at the garage entrance to warn her father that she was going to the beach, and she had noticed Sarah’s body covered by the cardboard. Sabrina had exclaimed: “Daddy, what have you done?” and had burst into tears.
The “glaring inconsistencies” inherent in this version led prosecutors to suspend the interrogation at 11:35 am. Three hours later, at 2:26 pm, a new interrogation began:

Misseri claimed that Sabrina had forcibly dragged Sarah into the garage, where he was already standing, in order to verify, in a three-way confrontation, whether it was true that he had molested Sarah, as she had reported to her cousin. Upon Scazzi’s confirmation, Sabrina Misseri had pinned her down, encircling her around the waist with her arms and demanding that she tell the truth in front of her father; the latter, at that point, becoming impatient, had strangled his niece with a rope he was holding, twisting it around her neck, while his daughter held her cousin down.

Sabrina’s detention and Michele’s accusatory statements against her

On October 18, 2010, Sabrina Misseri was questioned by the preliminary hearing judge, denying any involvement in the killing of her cousin. Four days later, a conversation that took place in prison between Michele Misseri and his daughter Valentina was intercepted and filmed. After an initial moment of emotion upon seeing his daughter again, who immediately reminded him of Sabrina’s status, detained because of his accusatory statements (“Daddy, but look I love you anyway, you know? Sabrina loves you too, of course she can’t come now, she knows you’re here, right?”), Michele, shaking his hands, told her in dialect: “The fact... Which Sabrina is hiding… [I wish] she would talk about it”.
On November 3, criminologist Roberta Bruzzone was appointed as a consultant to Michele through his defense lawyer Daniele Galoppa. Two days later, in jail, Misseri had a conversation with Galoppa and Bruzzone; he began to cry and, quite unexpectedly – after he had until then described the incident by reverting to the initial exclusively self-accusatory version – declared that he was not the one who killed Sarah, but his daughter Sabrina. For that reason, with the consent of Misseri himself, a request was made by his defense attorney for investigators to come in for questioning.
At 3:32 pm, before prosecutors, Misseri articulated a version in which he declared himself to be completely uninvolved in the murderous action, which he attributed to Sabrina. Misseri declared that after he had finished eating, at about 1 pm, he had been called by his daughter who had told him, “Daddy, come to the garage ‘cause something happened”. He had then gone there and found Sarah on the floor, with her arms towards the door and with a rope (a meter long, not too tight and with many knots) twisted around her neck; Sabrina had said that her cousin had fallen while they were playing. “[Sabrina] says they were playing in the garage… she says she slipped and fell [...] however, in my opinion, to show that it was suicide she put the rope around her neck…”
Prosecutors deemed this story illogical because of the weapon used, the dynamics of the murder, and the justification given by Sabrina, so they stopped the questioning at 4:10 pm, at the request of the defense counsel, and resumed at 5:04 pm (after Misseri had conferred with attorney Galoppa and consultant Bruzzone). At this point,

Misseri mutated his account by reporting that the murder weapon was a “belt”, not a rope, and claimed that he had been awakened, while he was asleep in the deck chair, by his daughter Sabrina who, in a state of agitation, had said to him: “Dad, come here for a moment ‘cause something has happened”; following his daughter, he had run into the garage and had seen Sarah lying on the floor upright on the right side of the slide, with her head down facing the entrance; he had then exclaimed “But what is it that you have done?” and his daughter had told him “Yeah, anyway she was bothering me as well”. Misseri later specified that to the question “What happened?”, his daughter had said “I was playing with Sarah… she slipped, she fell”, and to his further question “And the belt around her neck, why does she have it?”, Sabrina had replied, “She was bothering me anyway”.

November 19, 2010 was the day of the special evidence pre-trial hearing (whose function is to “anticipate the acquisition and formation of evidence during the preliminary investigation”). These are the salient points:

• Michele essentially reaffirmed the heteroaccusatory version against Sabrina, but also reintroduced the theme of the “game” that allegedly led to Sarah's death;
• he admitted he had confessed the truth (i.e. Sabrina’s responsability in the murder) to a priest two days after he was arrested, and that happened significantly earlier than his first version mentioning Sabrina;
• he specified that he had never asked Sabrina why she had killed Sarah being able only to speculate that the reason was jealousy for Ivano, since he had heard from others that she liked him and, from Sabrina herself, after Sarah’s death, that the young girl had become “too attached” to Ivano;
• when asked why he had accrued the decision to accuse his daughter Sabrina, he replied, “Why did I have to do so many years if I did not do that thing?”;
• Michele added that while he was searching with his daughter for Sarah’s SIM card, Sabrina had only asked him if Sarah was in a safe place, and he had answered in the affirmative, that is, that the body was in a safe place, where only he could find it; his daughter had also asked him about Sarah’s cell phone, and he had told her he had destroyed it.

The relationship between Sarah and Sabrina

The Court that sentenced Sabrina started from a “fixed point” in its reconstruction of the events that led to Sarah’s death:

When Sabrina Misseri was heard by the Carabinieri of Avetrana [...] Sarah’s body had not been found and, therefore, it was still legitimate to hope for a voluntary departure that precisely a quarrel, a contrast, an argument with her cousin could have explained and justified. Yet Sabrina Misseri, while appearing active and proactive in the search for her missing cousin through both public initiatives and collaboration with the Carabinieri, thought it counterproductive to reveal an apparently insignificant detail – a girl-on-girl argument – which, however, could have uncovered a ‘Pandora’s box’, shedding light on what later turned out to be the motive for the murderous action.

It’s necessary to better introduce the individuals who are involved in this story. It’s not contested by the defense that in the summer of 2010 the two girls – since Sarah’s school was closed and she had a relationship of close kinship and living proximity with her cousin – attended each other assiduously; in particular, Sarah went almost daily at the cousin’s house. The two girls were also part of the same group of friends, Sabrina having introduced the young Sarah to the others in December 2009. The group included Ivano Russo, Alessio Pisello, Mariangela Spagnoletti and, in the summer period, Angela Cimino and Claudio Scazzi, as well as Giovanni Copertino and Antonio Forte. Together the aforementioned frequented the same clubs, exchanged messages and phone calls, went to the beach moving in the same cars. Sarah was only allowed to go out in the evenings with her older cousin on whom, therefore, she depended for all opportunities for recreation.
According to the Court, Sarah’s secret diary is really important to understand what happened because it testifies to the onset of a growing enthusiasm for a new friendship and the emergence of a feeling that troubles and confuses the teenager: that for Ivano, that boy so much older than she is and whom Sarah knows well how much her cousin Sabrina also likes. Some significant entries are the following:

• June 4, 2010 at 3:30 pm: “hi......in this time I am having so much fun you know Ivano is really nice I love him so much only he is 27 years old almost 30 whatever I kind of miss the shit I used to do in school with my friends you know....”
• June 9 at 11:07 am: “hi..........so yesterday I went to the beach with Sabrina and Ivano I had a great time only Sabrina then told me that next time she wants to be alone with Ivano and I have to stay home, it sucks when she does that it gets on my nerves. I can’t wait for my brother and my dad to arrive ah I forgot to tell you that Saturday and Sunday I have to go to the beach but not with Ivano....”
• July 28 at 6:30 pm: “...hello my name is Sarah, in this period I am very attached to I boy who is 27 years old, I am only 15 but he is very sweet with me and he always cuddles me, his name is Ivano, and my cousin Sabrina also likes him but I don’t understand if I like him or if I just love him as a friend...I AM CONFUSED” * July 30: “hi, yesterday Ivano cuddled me...I love him so much...but tonight I’m not gonna see him uff.…”

Although Sabrina refused to describe her relationship with Ivano in terms of a romantic one, saying she was only physically attracted to him, her friends contradicted her in their testimonies (Claudio Scazzi goes so far as to speak of a “fixation”). Moreover, one inescapable objective fact is the text messages with which Sabrina “bombarded” her friends to find out where Ivano was, whether he was at one club rather than another, whether he had gone out and who she took home first and who last, even going so far as to check on the boy through actual stakeouts and sending messages from unknown phones. It is unclear why Sabrina would want to “project” onto her friend Mariangela her obsession with Ivano (as she did in the November 20, 2012 hearing) when all testimony converged in another direction. According to the Court,

Sabrina was dominated by her anxiety to establish a stable and exclusive romantic and sexual relationship with Russo, rather than a relationship of mere friendship, so that her conduct became even more insistent where Ivano proved detached and annoyed by her intrusiveness.

Clearly tracing the development of the story between the two are the 4500 messages exchanged over the months by Sabrina and Ivano. For the Court, “[t]he incursion into the sexual sphere of the two isn’t dictated by morbid curiosity, nor is it intended to land on unacceptable moralistic evaluations of their behavior, but it serves to fully understand how the evolution of that relationship and the inevitable estrangement from the young man, due to the differing expectations of the two, generated in Sabrina a very strong sense of frustration”. This frustration was then exacerbated by the fact that although Sarah played (unintentionally) a role in the breakup between Sabrina and Ivano, she did not stop hanging out with him, and this must have been considered a real betrayal on Sabrina’s part. These are some significant messages sent by Sabrina testifying to her interest/obsession:

• May 2, 2010 at 6:02 pm: “You see I am mocking you, I see you as a big puppy:-)”
• May 2 at 6:08 pm: “Come on admit it, you like cuddling at the end who doesn't, then you are so deep…”
• May 2 at 11:40 pm: “Don’t joke, I mean it I envy you I wish I was as beautiful as you and a special and unique character like yours... to me you are like a god :)”
• May 4 at 3:20 pm: “you are a beautiful vision just as you are... understand God Ivano?”
• May 4 at 11:54 pm: “Sweet night, I hope you have recovered, the nice thing about you [is] that you make me feel useful for something...”
• June 6 at 11:17 am: “I’m right, Liala came today and told me Ivano [is] even more gorgeous with glasses but just so much and I answered ‘I know’ and I told them you could tell him”
• June 8 at 1:53 pm: “The client I said hello earlier sent me an SMS to say you are handsome if you don’t believe me I’ll show you the message I saved it:)”
• June 8 at 1:59 pm: “I don't want to hear you complain anymore so far I haven’t heard anyone say otherwise it has nothing to do with taste you can’t deny the evidence the one who has to complain is me and not you, even my brother-in-law says you’re handsome”

On the other hand, Ivano didn’t seem to reciprocate. He wrote, “Sabri I don’t want you to talk to me like that...the other day that thing shouldn’t have happened, I knew it would end like that.” And again, “But why did you fall in love with me? If you want sex that’s fine, but I don’t fall in love:)”. Hence the profound frustration of Sabrina who, after vainly trying to establish a “real” relationship, had to give up in the face of the indifference of the young man, who in a clear manner, finally told her that he did not conceive, between them, anything other than a loveless sex relationship.
Claudio testified that he tried to talk with Sabrina about her relationship with Ivano, asking her why she continued to hang out with him even if he wasn’t really that interested:

Sabrina made it clear to me that she would rather maybe even be teased, let’s say, even teased in a sense, by Ivano, than lose him altogether.

Concetta was also aware of the relationship between the two, having overheard a telephone conversation between Sarah and Sabrina in which the former said, “If I were in your place, I would kick him. Why do you stand behind him, why do you let him treat you this way?”

The August 25 argument at the “102” brewery

Sabrina was extremely upset and annoyed by the fact that, in her view, Sarah was diverting Ivano’s attention from her – this is a “fact peacefully acquired at the trial”, according to the Court, just as it’s established that this was the reason for the argument that took place on the evening of August 25, 2010. Here is what Stefania De Luca, an older friend of Sabrina’s, testifies:

I was sitting at a table near the front door of the club. After a while, I remember, Mariangela Spagnoletti, Sabrina Misseri and Sarah Scazzi came in. They entered the club, we greeted each other, and immediately Sabrina said, “This time it’s really over”, referring to the relationship she had with Ivano. In particular, already for some time Sabrina had told me several times about her interest in Ivano, her infatuation with him. She herself told me on several occasions that Ivano’s behaviors gave her hope. Evidently during the day of August 25 something had happened for which she had decided to sever this situation with Ivano. After this initial approach, Sabrina and Mariangela entered the bar to get a drink while Sarah stayed close to me. I then noticed that Sarah was very upset and her eyes were glazed over, so much so that I asked her what had happened. Sarah did not answer, shrugging her shoulders and bowing her head.

De Luca confirmed that Sabrina told her she had had a fight with Ivano, adding ironically that he was now only talking to Sarah. “That one sells herself, sells herself for two cuddles, even her mother says so”, Sabrina allegedly repeated twice, referring to Sarah. At that moment Sarah literally went pale and bowed her head almost crying.
Mariangela Spagnoletti – the girl with whom Sarah and Sabrina were supposed to go to the beach – essentially corroborated this version in court:

PROSECUTOR BUCCOLIERO – Here, but these words you said earlier, about Sarah’s and Ivano’s relationship, Sabrina also said them in the car while talking to you? SPAGNOLETTI – Yes. That he was cuddling Sara more than her. […] PROSECUTOR BUCCOLIERO – Listen, was Sabrina jealous of Sarah with regard to Ivano? SPAGNOLETTI – I don’t know if she was jealous, however, with some phrases she made it clear that she was.

Spagnoletti’s trustworthiness was questioned by Sabrina’s defense, which noted how the girl was attracted to Ivano and therefore would turn out to be emotionally involved in the affair; needless to say that De Luca’s testimony still stands and it’s difficult to understand why Spagnoletti would make such serious accusations… just because. The Court also noted that the reasoning of the defense doesn’t make much sense “in light of the little interest Sabrina had managed to arouse in [Ivano]” and since Spagnoletti mentioned the August 25 altercation only when the prosecutor talked about it.

Other episodes corroborating the motive: obsession & desire

Another significant episode that supports the idea of a catastrophic “rupture” between the girls is narrated by Angela Cimino, another friend of the group:

One evening in August, certainly after the 15th, we were in Torre Colimena with Sabrina, Ivano, Claudio and Sarah. With the same, aboard Ivano’s car we returned to Avetrana. I remember that Ivano left Sabrina at home first, only because it was on the way, and, while Ivano dropped Claudio and Sarah, the latter received a message from Sabrina. Sarah read it aloud, “Let me know who [Ivano] drop off home first.” None of those present commented on the message, and I made some reflections. The reading [of the message] took place just before Sarah and Claudio got out of the car as having arrived at their home, [so] Ivano and I, left alone in the car commented on what had happened. I told him that I felt it was time for him to clarify with Sabrina the nature of their relationship beyond a simple friendship. Ivano told me that he would talk to her.

The investigators therefore discovered that Sarah had been indirectly responsible for Ivano deciding to end his “friendship with benefits” with Sabrina, so to speak – but even if it were not for this fact, it would still have happened, as one can see considering the next episode corroborating the motive hypothesized by the Court.
Some days before August 4, 2010, one evening, Sabrina and Ivano drove away from Avetrana, secluded themselves and began to have sex; however, they didn’t complete the intercourse, because Ivano said he didn’t want to ruin the friendship. Sabrina later confided about what happened to Mariangela; Sarah was listening. Without much time passing, the entire group learned of the “failed intercourse” between Sabrina and Ivano. The former stopped going outside and seeing her friends for a while. On August 16, 2010, starting from midnight and going on for the whole day, the two also exchanged some glacial messages:

• August 16 at 0:49 am, Ivano: “I have told you a million times that you are a friend to me, but I prefer to keep my distance if only now I am sure that you don’t want just a friendship” […]
• Sabrina: “Listen dummy what I told you before friendship is fine, but hands off remember what you say to me, the universe does not revolve around you, that’s enough now, out of your mouth must not come my name anymore”
• Ivano: “Thank you for telling everyone about what happened”
• Ivano: “I am leaning towards a friendship but, if you have other ideas, then each on their own way”
• Sabrina: “Don’t worry anyway I’ve decided not to go out anymore, so you don’t say that I’m always looking for you, that I’m always texting you, which isn’t true because lately you were almost always initiating, if I have to pass as the one I’m not I stay at my house”
• Ivano: “Oh listen you're breaking my balls you're doing everything, and fuck off I didn’t tell you anything in fact you said I harass you”

On August 21 there was a face-to-face clarification, arranged by Ivano and not Sabrina, which – it is really hard to understand why, although the Court had its hypotheses – Sarah also attended. Ivano recalled in court:

I told Sabrina what Claudio had reported to me and, after telling her that I was very annoyed, I asked her if she had been the one to report the episode. Sabrina told me that it had not been her and was also annoyed. Confirming that she had not told anyone, she reported to me that Claudio had certainly tried to find out something without having any information, I took the opportunity to reiterate to her that I did not intend to establish a relationship that was anything other than friendship, and I took the opportunity to apologize to her if my behavior had engendered any expectations in her.

According to the Court that sentenced Sabrina, “after making inquiries in the circle of friends, Misseri could only trace the origin of the disclosure of the episode that will lead to the termination of relations with Ivano back to her cousin Sarah”.
Sabrina’s defense attempted to downplay the extent of such feelings by pointing out that the relationship between the two young women was the same: the two girls loved each other “like sisters” and were inseparable, none of those who hung out with them had ever perceived a feeling of jealousy on the part of Sabrina toward Sarah, and, therefore, there was no rivalry or jealousy between the two cousins, so much so that after their conversation with Ivano on August 21, the two girls had continued their evening together, going to the Spizzico club to play karaoke.
Contradicting these theories there is Liala Nigro’s testimony; she was a friend of Sabrina and she testified that, about mid-August, Sabrina arrived angrily at the pub accusing her of telling Ivano about the incident. Some days later, but certainly before August 21, Sabrina apologized to her, telling her that she had identified the person responsible in Claudio. This whole episode corroborates the idea that Sabrina was very angry at whoever had propagated the story of the failed intercourse. Also the fact that Sarah participated in the August 21 face-to-face confrontation can be seen as compatible with the theory that Sabrina had finally identified the “real culprit”, namely Sarah, and had wanted her to be present because she was as involved as the other two.
The relationship between Sabrina and Ivano had therefore broken down irremediably. The former wrote the latter a burst of angry messages:

• August 23, 2010 at 9:04 am: “Btw on Saturday [August 21] when you left I had to tell you that you are good at humiliating people in front of everyone, ‘psychopath, apathetic,’ I at least if I have something to say I say it to you and not in front of everyone like you did to Mariangela, saying heavy sentences in front of people you don’t know, make an examination of conscience. A 27-year-old does not behave like that, you are immature. From what you told me about a certain person you are the one who behaves like this and not me and not that you want to be good, I can accompany you and you keep saying heavy words, I in front of others never allowed myself..., you don’t appreciate things, you don’t know respect, because the night before you didn’t feel like talking, however humiliating in front of others yes, bravo, congratulations.”

The Court notes that it is therefore a fact that the relationship between the two cousins broke down after the August 21 confrontation. Testifying to this, again, there is Sarah going to San Pancrazio Salentino (a nearby town where another cousin of hers lived) from August 23 to 25: “Sarah, no longer having a chance to go out in Avetrana, her brother Claudio having departed, therefore took the first opportunity that came her way to get away from the village”. In these two days, Sarah contacted nevertheless many times Sabrina through calls or rings, but the latter never responded. In court she explained her actions saying that she was “displeased”, i.e. she was missing Sarah (it doesn’t make much sense really).

Sources

Italy high court upholds life sentences in Scazzi case
L’omicidio di Sarah Scazzi: quando il male è in famiglia
Mother told live on Italian TV of daughter's murder
The Murder of Sarah Scazzi Apple TV (UK))

If Totk Ganondorf have abilities from all previous games:
-The flight ability from Ocarina of Time and Twilight Princess (when possessing zelda) and the ability to shoot orbs
-The ability to teleport around the arena from Twilight Princess when he’s a boar.
Combined with the fact Link and Ganondorf can flurry rush (if the game doesn’t slow-mo, the dodging and attacks are actually extremely fast), I mean, ganondorf is already fast in phase 1 and especially phase 2, the battle would’ve look like Dragon Ball Z. On phase 2 (HUGE health bar) he goes super saiyan.
Oh, and one last thing: Ganondorf in one of the memories where he sent Molduga, he can see quite far in the distance with a naked eye when spotting the secret stone.

Feeling disheartened and I need a push to advocate for myself... and the hive mind of reddit to assure me I'm on the right track 🤍
Hey redditors,
Bear with my long message please. I have posted something similar I'm the endometriosis group because I'm so... unsure. I am quite anxious and I just need some support....
I'll try to make it short but ultimately a doctor I saw recently immediately told me I most likely have chrones and sent me to get all these tests done but after completing most of them I have doubts and I think I should be seeing a specialist focused more on endo or adeno? She didn't even let me finish giving my history or symptoms before she decided on a gastro specialist and ended our session. She was so rushed and behind schedule... I feel so disheartened. I'll talk about symptoms and then explain the tests.
Since I was adolescent I've had horribly, excruciating periods that were unmanageable to the point I was curled in a ball for a day or 2 every month and extremely heavy bleeding. This always came with upset stomach as well. They're extremely irregular and I was never able to track periods.
In my early 20s I saw a Dr that diagnosed me with IBS and GERDs because I constantly struggle with bloat, switching between stool types, reflux, and stomach spasm...
Well I had a baby. Afterwards I got an IUD and my period problems have been over! This is where I'm confused. I know for a fact that my previous suffering was extremely abnormal. My stomach problems have gotten much much worse, however. I've been stalking the chrones and colitis forum but I don't think my pain levels relates nearly as much... yes im I'm pain and I get spasms but not shitting blood and I'm not laid out. Just miserable but still functioning.
So I am wondering if you guys think I could even possibly have Chrones or its maybe endometriosis and that the IUD solved the period issues but maybe the stomach problems is a sign it's spreading to the bowel? I am very ignorant and I have seen many specialists and don't feel like im getting the support or information I need and I just want to learn how to advocate to get some help. Please advise me...
I had a calpro test and my levels were fine. Blood tests and gene tests were perfect. Stomach x-rays were fine.
Weirdly enough I was positive for a travelers parasite but my Gastro said that is common and doesn't want to treat it yet/isn't worried about it as he says it can be a sign of a bigger thing somewhere...
I did tests for certain foods that make me sick and apparently NO allergies to onions, garlic, gluten, dairy.... but I can NOT eat any kinds of peppers, onions, garlic, beans, fatty meat, more than a few bites of fruit, or aged soft cheese without dying for a day or 2... but it seems to cycle every month and I think it gets worse when I'm having period time.. hard to tell with the IUD as I don't have one every month.
I dunno what the hell is wrong with me. I'm just trying to start again. Please help me if you have any insight.
I haven't had a colonoscopy or ultrasound or anything else yet and I'm so anxious. I am not living in my home country and I think my language skills weren't strong enough to advocate for my needs before since I never even got to explain all my symptoms before the Dr decided and sent me away to a gastro specialist (Maybe not the specialist I should see??).
I just need to know if you guys think I should try to get an endo specialist as I'm suffering constantly but I need to make sure I know EXACTLY what I want for myself so I don't lose my voice again and keep getting sent down the wrong rabbithole.
Currently finding a general practitioner that speaks English so that I can better advocate for myself since I've moved countries.... and will have to restart the gastro search if I am referred again for more tests as he isn't in the correct sector for my insurance.
Thank you so much if you've made it this far.

Hey redditors,
Bear with my long message please. I am quite anxious and I just need some support.... I'll try to make it short but ultimately a doctor I saw recently immediately told me I most likely have chrones and sent me to get all these tests done but after completing most of them I have doubts and I think I should be seeing a specialist focused more on endo or adeno? She didn't even let me finish giving my history or symptoms before she decided on a gastro specialist and ended our session. She was so rushed and behind schedule... I feel so disheartened. I'll talk about symptoms and then explain the tests.
Since I was adolescent I've had horribly, excruciating periods that were unmanageable to the point I was curled in a ball for a day or 2 every month and extremely heavy bleeding. This always came with upset stomach as well. They're extremely irregular and I was never able to track periods.
In my early 20s I saw a Dr that diagnosed me with IBS and GERDs because I constantly struggle with bloat, switching between stool types, reflux, and stomach spasm...
Well I had a baby. Afterwards I got an IUD and my period problems have been over! This is where I'm confused. I know for a fact that my previous suffering was extremely abnormal. My stomach problems have gotten much much worse. I've been stalking the chrones and colitis forum but I don't think my pain levels relates to those people so I am wondering if you guys think I do in fact have endometriosis and that the IUD solved the period issues but maybe the stomach problems is a sign it's spreading to the bowel? I am very ignorant and I have seen many specialists and don't feel like im getting the support or information I need and I just want to learn how to advocate to get some help. Please advise me...
I had a calpro test and my levels were fine. Blood tests and gene tests were perfect. Stomach x-rays were fine.
Weirdly enough I was positive for a travelers parasite but my Gastro said that is common and doesn't want to treat it yet/isn't worried about it as he says it can be a sign of a bigger thing somewhere...
I haven't had a colonoscopy or ultrasound or anything else yet and I'm so anxious. I am not living in my home country and I think my language skills weren't strong enough to advocate for my needs before since I never even got to explain all my symptoms before the Dr decided and sent me away to a gastro specialist (Maybe not the specialist I should see??).
I just need to know if you guys think I should try to get an endo specialist as I'm suffering constantly but I need to make sure I know EXACTLY what I want for myself so I don't lose my voice again and keep getting sent down the wrong rabbithole. I seem to not relate to all the pain and blood levels on the chrones reddit but maybe more to the endo on bowels? Idk, I am looking forward to hearing what you guys think.
Currently finding a general practitioner that speaks English so that I can better advocate for myself since I've moved countries.... and will have to restart the gastro search if I am referred again for more tests as he isn't in the correct sector for my insurance.
Thank you so much if you've made it this far.
*editing to add:
I did tests for certain foods that make me sick and apparently NO allergies to onions, garlic, gluten, dairy.... but I can NOT eat any kinds of peppers, onions, garlic, beans, fatty meat, more than a few bites of fruit, or aged soft cheese without dying for a day or 2... but it seems to cycle every month and I think it gets worse when I'm having period time.. hard to tell with the IUD as I don't have one every month.
I dunno what the hell is wrong with me. I'm just trying to start again. Please help me if you have any insight.

it’s only been a few months since we’ve broken up but tonight i kissed someone new. and it feels good.
i know you’d probably say i need to work on myself more. that’s rich coming from you.
i regret telling you that you’d be the one that got away. how can i be so smart yet so incredibly naive to say something like that? and to think you had the balls to make a smug comment telling me “there’s a lot of things i don’t have to do mia”. like what? the bare fucking minimum?
when we went downtown for new years eve, i woke up before you and just stared at the ceiling. my first thought of the day was that i didn’t want to be with you anymore and that i knew we weren’t going to last much longer. i just didn’t want to leave because i was too scared, you were the only person i had left and you knew that. i regret not breaking up with you first, i know it boosted your ego that you were the one to do so.
and the way you left? so fucking cold. like you didn’t care whether i lived or died that same day. i deserved more than that and we both know it. it was just another situation showcasing the fact that you have issues with your feelings. extreme issue.
i’m so proud of myself that i haven’t broken no contact. the last time we spoke was when we ended things. i haven’t stalked your socials or looked at your spotify to see what music you’ve been listening to. i’m so proud of myself.
i’ve also quit smoking weed, since you were my plug, and vaping. because of that, i’ve looked extremely beautiful lately. at least thats what all the guys at work and school tell me.
i seriously think you fumbled with me big time, and everyone in your life would agree. your arrogance and stubbornness will forever be your fatal flaws.
genuinely wish i met your best friend before you. he’s much hotter anyways. and our tensionnn. whewww.
respectively, go fuck yourself ojv.

In recent years, blockchain technology has advanced to the point where it has the potential to revolutionise numerous industries. The need for knowledgeable people who can navigate this difficult subject is increasing as it becomes more and more popular. Blockchain developers and software developers are two key professions that frequently come up in conversations about blockchain. In order to clarify which career path can be more advantageous for prospective IT workers, we will examine what blockchain is and contrast the roles of blockchain developer and software developers in this post. It;s important to learn Blockchain before diving into it in detail. So let’s begin.

What is Blockchain?

Blockchain is a distributed, decentralised ledger technology that keeps track of transactions on numerous computers. It acts as a safe, transparent, and immutable platform for carrying out various digital transactions, doing away with the need for middlemen. Blockchain is a desirable technology for a variety of applications, from finance and supply chain management to healthcare and voting systems, because of its key characteristics, including decentralisation, transparency, and cryptographic security.

Understanding Blockchain Developers

Designing, creating, and managing blockchain-based apps is their area of expertise. They are quite knowledgeable in blockchain technology, cryptography formulas, smart contracts, and decentralised apps (dApps). Depending on the blockchain technology they are using, they are skilled in programming languages like Solidity (for Ethereum-based dApps), Python, Java, or Go. Consensus mechanisms must be put into place, smart contracts must be made and managed, and blockchain solutions must be integrated into current systems.
Software developers are fluent in languages like Java, Python, C++, or JavaScript and have great programming skills. They are aware of design patterns, software architecture principles, and software development processes. Throughout the course of a software application's lifecycle, they work on activities like developing, debugging, testing, and maintenance.

Understanding Software Developers

The creation of software programmes employing a variety of programming languages and frameworks is the area of expertise of software developers, on the other hand. From desktop software and enterprise systems to online and mobile applications, they may work on a variety of projects. In order to suit the unique needs of their clients or organisations, software developers concentrate on creating effective and user-friendly software solutions.
Java, Python, C++, and JavaScript are just a few of the programming languages that software professionals are proficient in. They are aware of design patterns, software architecture principles, and processes for developing software. They perform duties like coding, debugging, testing, and maintaining software applications during the course of their lifetime.

Software developers and blockchain developers side by side

It's critical to keep in mind that blockchain development is a subset of software development when contrasting the roles of blockchain developers and software engineers. While software developers work on a variety of projects, blockchain developers are more focused on creating applications that use blockchain technology.
Depending on your hobbies, professional objectives, and market trends, you should choose between the two jobs. Being a blockchain developer can be a great career choice if you are passionate about decentralised systems, cryptography, and smart contracts and are captivated by blockchain technology. Opportunities to work on innovative projects and promote blockchain technology are provided through this route.
The best choice, though, might be to pursue a career as a software developer if you have a more all-encompassing interest in the field and love working on various projects using various technologies. Due to the fact that software engineers' talents are transferable to a wide range of sectors and fields outside of blockchain, their career options are more varied.

Conclusion

In numerous industries, blockchain technology is continuing to take off and challenge established methods. In order to fully realise the potential of this game-changing technology, software developers and blockchain developers both play vital roles. The decision between the two positions ultimately comes down to your own preferences, professional objectives, and the precise chances that are offered at any given time. To succeed in either profession as the tech industry changes, it will be essential to be flexible and willing to pick up new skills. To start a career in this trending field, you can enrol in the certified Blockchain Developer Course available online.

He usually produces a short 15 minute podcast each Monday with The Square Ball lads, that releases in the mid to late afternoon. This still hasn’t happened yet & it was specifically mentioned on the previous TSB podcast, meaning it was definitely planned.
Secondly he’s been completely silent on social media as are a lot of the main Leeds reporters.
I believe that the media have been advised to speak with the club and provide the facts and figures of the takeover to prep their stories. So the podcast has either been put on hold or conflicted with these potential meetings.
There was a few stories floating around about an NDA in place for this current situation which would make sense, since we’ve not heard anything from our more reliable sources, including Fabrizio.
OR
I could be completely wrong, clutching at straws and they’ve pulled out and Radz is trying “One more time”

These are not in any particular order - some may have come a few weeks ago, some today.
But I do have good news: I did NOT work on cards at all this weekend, because I spent Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday all doing amazing fun things with my wife as we kicked off our celebration of Pride month. For those who don't know, we currently have two houses, in two different states, one where she mostly lives (in the U.S. Pacific Northwest) and one where I mostly live (in the U.S. Southwest, known as the Cactus Cathouse). We are gearing up to sell our northern outpost house and live together in the Cactus Cathouse, and this was sort of our "last hurrah" weekend before showings and whatnot really get started.
But now, I'm trying to get cardthings caught up so that I'm not trying to deal with them during the eventual relocation, starting with these thanks and hopefully progressing on to a request and an offer tomorrow as time permits.
Also, someone in this (long) list sent me a lovely, large rainbow snail vinyl sticker, but I couldn't tell whose mail it came from. (Maybe u/amyt13?) Anyway, whoever you are, I appreciate you immensely and I'm sorry for not organizing myself better.
Thanks to:
(First of all, thanks to the flair team, because yikes this is the worst and I'm very sorry!)
u/amabisca - This handmade purple card (my favorite color!) is amazing and was such an uplifting surprise. Thank you so, so much!
u/amyt13 (x2) - Thank you for the beautiful handmade collage card, the Oscar Wilde card, and all the extras! I hope you are able to find a good place to call home too - the one you were describing sounds like my kind of town, and I hope it works out. I'll cross my fingers for you!
u/AppleCritter723 - This cute botanical card/letter I an opening from you is dated in April. APRIL, friend. I am sorry. It is full of good news and cute stickers and I swear I will write actual mail and not just send weird envelopes of things to you and your "bigger little" soon. I hope your Memorial Day weekend travels weren't too bad, and that Gandalf the adventurer is letting you occasionally stay inside. You created a meow-monster!
u/awachob - Goose!! I can't believe I got to be the goose! Thank you so much for a fun offer. (And for the neat stickers!)
u/blue-wanderer-quartz - I am very late saying thanks for the Five of Pentacles cat tarot sticker reading, but it was incredibly appropriate to read about pooling resources as my wife and I re-combine households in part due to love but in large part due to, well, wanting to actually have disposable income! I think it's interesting that we both chose pentacles for each other! (And the cat postcard your reading is on is very cute, I don't want to forget that!)
u/bluedecemberart (x2) - I love the vintage VA hospital postcard from Maine... and we already chatted about the "not noticing the chores" thing but rereading the card as I went to post this made me sure again that we are somehow the same person. WEIRD, but COOL. And your New York skyline postcard is lovely, and now I want to watch A Crown of Candy!
u/championvilla - I adore this MarioKart card! My wife and I used to play a lot (right now, we have the game systems packed for house-showing). I hope that your husband is continuing to feel better (and that the cat finally decided to get off of him, lol!)
u/chiquita61 - The sloth mermaid dolphin thank-you card with penguin stickers is absolutely wonderful... and I am so happy you liked my "reject" sticker card in all its glory!
u/comingtogetyoubabs (x6) - This crystal ball card with Petit's ABSOLUTE WISDOM is just amazing, friend. (Also, did I get a little teary at "writer of hugs in card form" MAYBE). And the amazing goodies you included - the cat-yang patch, your beautiful handmade notepaper... there is no way I deserve the awesomeness that is you "buzzing" into my life. And then the second cat card and all the goodies, including the adorable bookmark...! And THEN I realized you had hand-drawn me three tarot cards that you wrote about, AND then I found your origami letter... I am in awe, friend. You are wonderful!
u/cswl (x10) - This is what I get for not keeping up with my thanks, I feel silly with how behind I am for you, my dear friend! (Both in thanking AND in writing back.) Thank you for the cute plant notecard (I do not do Informed Delivery because it will just make me sad, I think); the red fox postcard (did you go to Fogo, which is one of my favorite places ever??); the "sources of acid" postcard (I always feel better when I have time for myself too, and also always delay it too long); the absolutely delicious LouPaper charcuterie board postcard (I have both too many cards and somehow never the ones I really feel like I wish I had to send people); the postcard from The Lion King (yay garage sale days!); the Strange Planet vibrating cat postcard (so outnumbered, I have given up, they are in charge now); the two different New Yorker cartoon cards (you are 100% right - hard times are harder on the one holding down the fort in SO many ways, been there/done that, and also guilt trips suck and I'm sorry the person tried to send you on one); the cute bird saying hi card (the one-house thing was her idea first, and it will definitely be for the best, though I need to make sure I keep focusing on me too!); and especially thanks for "Content Lives Everywhere" collage you made - that is just wonderful. You are so great. I am sorry I'm such a bad postal pal but I'm trying to do better!
u/dazeyferry (x2) - My dear friend, this penguin with flowers card is AMAZING and I am so, so grateful that you thought of me when you saw it. And the little floral thank-you card addition was perfect as well. I love you and I am so glad we are friends! As far as bingeworthy shows - have you seen Ted Lasso? Schmigadoon? (Both on AppleTV.) Those are amazing. We also started watching Hello, Tomorrow, which is a bit sad sometimes but really good! I'll try to think of some more, too.
u/draconic_healing - I love this little tiny Polaroid-style postcard - it's adorable! Please pet the kitty for me - I couldn't tell if you wrote "Bear" or "Bean" but both are great names!
u/dwrfstr - This gold penguin card is amazing and adorable and I cannot believe your luck to find it thrifted! I picked up a set of hundreds of vintage postcards from an art reuse store that's near where we met up, and I ended up with, like, 16 of the same weird chapel at a church camp in South Dakota, so you definitely win...
u/fancayschmanzayyy - Your cat thank-you card was wonderful (as were the cool stickers!) And most of all, I very much appreciate you telling me about your act of kindness and I especially appreciate your caregiving nature. I cared for my mom for many years before she passed away and stories like the one you told will always be especially important to me. You make a difference and I am so grateful you exist!
u/Fancykiddens (x2) - I feel terribly, terribly guilty for how late I am thanking you for this amazing CARD-CEPTION package!! First, from the pengin section: the pengin family you drew me, how awesome are they?! You are so talented! I almost never keep envelopes but this one got immediately saved with my "penguin stash." Then there was your beautiful handmade Frida Kahlo card - exactly my vibe, I love it! The penguin goodie bag with the penguins and their fish snackles inside was adorable too. And then, moving to the "monsteroo" or cute monster section, I adored your Monsters Inc. letter and goodies as well! I especially liked hearing that, at the time you wrote it, you were feeling particularly well and accomplished, and I adored hearing how much carding has helped your outlook. SAME, FRIEND. So much so!!
u/feellikebeingajerk (x2) - Holly Hobbie card (the first, maybe?) has arrived! And yes, it brought back awesome memories. I didn't get a lot of "trendy" things growing up, as my parents and I didn't have a lot of money, but there was a discount department store near us, sort of an early version of a T.J. Maxx or Ross that was called Hills, and it would sometimes get slight misprints or seconds of things like bedding, which is, I am -positive-, how I came to be able to have Holly Hobbie. And I don't remember anything "wrong" with it, so, way to go, Mom of PinkPengin, for that find! LOL. Also, thanks for the cool Papyrus thank-you card from your random offer, and for the stickers!
u/fieldofcabins - This adorable bee thank-you postcard is so great (and the penguin as the stamp image, ahhh!) I am glad your dad is healing and please let him know I'm still thinking of him. (And of course I'm always thinking of you, too!)
u/GizmoDOS - Thanks for the solar system postcard, friend! I loved hearing from you. Life really has been hectic lately. I hope yours is moving in the direction of settling down. Mine is going to be rough briefly but then hopefully a lot smoother!
u/hermitcreature - I love this Studio Ghibli-themed card and all the great stickers and dragon facts from your book (and the amazing Zimbabwean owl stamp)! I hope you will like your card from me in exchange when it arrives - I just sent it this week, I am very sorry!
u/HexagonalRainbow - I loved your anime postcard but even more, I loved hearing about your concert!
u/isar-love (x2) - These cartoon owls with their hats and shoes on your card from March are AMAZING! (And the accompanying postcard with more behatted owls also made my day!) I agree with you very much that owl facial expressions are the thing that especially warms my heart to them. They seem so intelligent and curious and often kind (especially in illustrations) with their big eyes looking right at me! I have several little stuffed-animal friend owls, including two very special ones named Swoops (who is tan) and Fwoops (who is pink, though his name reference is from fuschia - he is a "Fuschia Swoops" - way better than a Pink Swoops, who I fear would have to be "Poops," LOL!) Thank you so much for your wonderful kindness and friendship and fun mail!
u/jaimekj - Thank you for the floral card, great stickers and most importantly your note and your friendship! I do like New Mexico (more than my part of the Southwest, honestly, but we had family reasons we picked where we did)! I'm crossing my fingers about an interest-rate drop. If I had my choice, I'd either like to find someone bigger in Washington, or move back to Pennsylvania, I think. There are ups and downs to both. And I will VERY much hate going back to snow, that's one thing I do love about where I am in the desert!
u/jvanct88 - I cannot tell you how thrilled I am to have a letter from you with an update (and updated address), dear friend! In one way, I am VERY sorry for all the things you have been finding out, but in another way I am happy that you finally know the truth and I believe that knowing it will be very helpful in having closure and a good feeling as you move to a new chapter in your life. And I am VERY hopeful that your tattoo came out amazing! I am a big, big fan of tattoos and piercings. A funny story is that I got 2 new tattoos and several piercings when my wife and I were separated, including a nosering, which she always said she hated. (She didn't mind other tattoos and piercings generally.) When we got back together, she apologized for ever saying that, and said how good it looks on me. That was nice, but I very plainly also told her, "I wouldn't care even if you hate it, because I love it and I'm keeping it forever." LOL! Anyway, I love this dinosaur princess cactus card and I am very happy to hear from you and will write to you again soon!
u/KatDuq (x3) - My dear friend!! This butterfly card you made to thank me for MY card in honor of your new letter opener is beautiful (as are the included penguin stickers, which are beautiful, of course!) I also loved your separate letter talking about the things you make. I do journal, sometimes, but I suffer from the problem of all notebook and journal-havers... I hate to USE the beautiful books I have lest I "mess them up!" What really helped me get out of that mindset somewhat was actually the Happy Planner notebooks, because I felt like I could always remove pages and rearrange! And now I am getting into bookbinding and I feel like that helps too because I can more easily make things "modular" and not have the fear of ruining a whole gigantic book right off the bat. I know that's perfectionism talking and I am working on getting rid of that mindset altogether, but for now, baby steps. And HUGE congrats on what you've sold, you definitely have a customer in me if you get an online store set up! Finally, thank you for the lovely oracle reading, which (unsurprisingly) was just what I needed to hear now, tonight, as I write this! I specifically didn't look closely at it until now because I figured I'd see it when the time was right and... yup. I did. You are amazing and I appreciate you sharing your beautiful new deck with me. (And that logo stamp you got! SO worth it, it looks amazing!)
u/littlemermaidxx - Your Pride Is Everyday postcard is beautiful - thank you so much! I have Pride happy mail coming your way too.
u/maiiiu (x3) - WOW, you are way too kind to me!! What an adorable thank-you postcard, first of all. And I adored your wonderful handmade penguin collage thank-you card too, and loved hearing the good news about your summer trip plans. I hope it is a truly special time for you and your dear best friend! And then this custom penguin stationery... WOW. You are just amazing and I am very grateful! (Also, the way you attached your sticker gifts in your collage card was great, I might steal that method.)
u/melhen16 - Where did you find this amazing desert-post-office-style card? Did you make it? It's amazing! (And thank you for the beautiful stickers, too!)
u/mumbagoespainting (x3) - Your handmade hometown card is so beautiful, my friend! I loved hearing how you learned to say it. (I admit - I get that one wrong on the first try and have to correct myself every time, despite being from not terribly far south, where we heard it more than occasionally!) And your watercolor dragon is absolutely fabulous!! I loved hearing that we have very similar color tastes - purples, grays, teal! Seeing the dragon pick up those colors was perfect. Finally, your black-and-white abstract card with the glitter made me smile, though I was sad to read about why you had to miss the trip... I hope you are feeling better! And, of course, thank you again for all your stickers and other extras and most importantly for your kindness and friendship. I am beyond grateful for you!!
u/ninajyang - I like the crafty postcard from Pipsticks! And yeah... Hairspray... love the music, definitely not sure about some other things... sigh.
u/nirelleth - I absolutely adore this great penguin and fox postcard for our "wish" exchange! I hope you like yours when it arrives, too. (I just sent it last week, I am so sorry for the wait!) I think my favorite fact about penguins is that they are not all polar; in fact, some of my favorites are temperate ones. (I say, in fact, that I myself am a "temperate pengin!")
u/non_avian (x3) - I am VERY sorry this has taken me so long to write (and even to open and fully enjoy). Your handmade Scoffby postcard with my past-present-future reading was absolutely amazing and is going on my "display shelf" of some of my most treasured cards! I need to know how you made his crystal ball, which is gorgeous! Also, please tell Scoffby that I am very much food-motivated (in fact, I just bribed myself tonight with hibachi). So, his signature chant is VERY well-placed when directed at me. I also adored your letter and the cute paper it was written on, and I am thrilled about the Furby washi card and all the goodies, too! I had no idea that Furby washi even existed, though I guess I shouldn't be surprised... and the capy noodles sticker and adorable penguins and everything else... I am so grateful. I have some mail coming your way very soon; all the "parts" are ready, I just need to put them together and actually get it sent!
u/Peonynote (x2) - Your cat thank-you card was adorable and most importantly, I am so excited for all your travels (and I LOVED seeing your penguin friends together!) And the lovely rainbow card with penguin stickers and super-cute penguin sticky note, in honor of Pride Month, made my day! I hope your walking is going well, still, now that it's getting warmer and stickier.
u/ResidentComposer1939 - I loved your sweet bird notecard and your penguin drawing (it's WAY better than my drawings, let me tell you!)
u/SherlockLady (x3) - Your beautiful butterfly card was lovely as it was, and then I saw the cute mini-card with the reminder about being the happiest/healthiest version of myself, AND the special penguin painting from your young carding apprentice... and wow, I just felt so special! What an awesome gift.
u/soft_distortion - This Gender Is Such a Drag postcard is perfecttttttttt. I loved hearing about the drag brunches too!
u/thecalendonianrose - This square penguin card is amazing and I am so grateful that you thought of sending it to me! (And all the stickers are lovely, thank you!) My wife and allllll the kitties say hello back.
u/TigerLady13 - This is definitely a late thanks, I apologize! But I appreciated the vintage Continental Divide postcard and the "Peng-Win" pun... made me giggle!
u/TyeDyeAmish - I love this pufferfish card, and I have really enjoyed getting to chat with you recently! Most importantly, how was the book sale?! I'm fairly certain it's one I've been to in the past, based on the date you said you were going, and I miss it and a few others in the area so much!
u/umeshufan - Why, yes, this Cat Island postcard DOES look like my house, and yes, there are really 19 inside, and even funnier, YES, I am allergic to cats. The thing is, you do build up a tolerance to ones you are around regularly, but when I travel and then come back, it is truly a nightmare. Thankfully I almost never let any in my bedroom and never to sleep, so I can at least breathe overnight!
u/wabisabi_sf (x2) - My friend, I am in awe of these amazing pink-and-penguin-themed pieces of happy mail!! I had never seen these before and I am DEFINITELY going to be getting more. You are so wonderful to me!
u/welshfancy (x5) - Thanks for the Laughlin postcard (very belatedly)! Your trip to Long Beach sounds almost as multi-stop as my recent cards' journeys to you, though thankfully you didn't need your passport, at least?! And thank you also for the amazing handmade "blooms" collage card (which, as far as I'm concerned, is appropriate for spring OR summer, so it seems perfectly timed to me); the great cat mini-card that you wrote while either eating breakfast or getting your tires changed on your travels; the penguin-with-J-based-life-preserver doodle (which I thought was GREAT, so don't even say it's worse than your others, which I also liked!); and your lovely letter on penguin paper, plus of course the bonus stationery! You spoil me!! I'm thinking of you as you try to decide "what's next" locationally, too.
u/yetanotherblankface - I think your beautiful handmade card for the "Hometown" meta challenge is giving exactly the right vibes! It certainly made me feel cozy and relaxed, which is the feeling I'd most like to associate with home.
u/yviantics - Your hand-drawn Pink Party Penguin postcard with its lovely hat, and the great penguin sticker, absolutely made my day!! I do not draw well at all and I am always amazed when people who can will share their talent with me. Thank you so, so much! (And, by the way, I tried the bananas-and-barbecue-chips combo and was really surprised at how good it was, so thanks for that, too!)
u/56thorns and u/UseYourRuler - Thank you for the wonderful postcard from the "Falls!" My wife and I were there to ring in the New Year for 2019 and I've been a couple other times too. Such a lovely place for a getaway, and it sounds like you had fun!
u/todayisfab, u/sebisrude and u/KeenEvergreen - In my stack of not-thanked-yet mail I found my very own postcard from our meetup, and it made me smile all over again. Thank you all so much, again, for a fun day. And to whichever of you put penguin stickers on this along with the cacti - I am super impressed that you pulled that off without me noticing, they are WAY too cute.

Chapter 1 - Stranger
When Daglan woke up that morning he didn't see anything unusual. He had awoken from a drop of water falling from the ceiling as he did many mornings. His best friend Rozere was in the kitchen with her father cooking what smelled of eggs. The sun was shining through the cracks in the curtains and holes in the walls as it always did. What felt different? Then he heard voices outside, voices that grew louder and louder. At this point Rozere and her father Koshu had heard the commotion as well and stepped outside to see what it was. Daglan hastily followed suit, after finding his tunic and boots.
Lying on the ground outside was a young man, no older than 25. He lay face up in the dirt wearing only baggy purple pants and a black conical hat covering his face. His long black hair seemed to be tied at the base of his head in a long spiky ponytail, his slender muscular body was covered in dozens of battle scars, and at his waist was a black katana with its sword tied firmly inside its sheath. Almost the entire town had crowded around him, murmuring and shifting anxiously. It wasn't often people arrived in town, mostly just traders on their way to and from Inoris, and that too was a rarity.
"Back now people, give this man some room! And for the love of Reza, quiet!" Barked Doc Silvis as she pushed through the crowd. She immediately knelt down and felt his neck with her fingers. She paused for a moment and gave a very annoyed sigh, slapping away his hat. "He's alive alright. This dumbass is sleeping in the street." She gave the stranger a hard slap across the face, one that would have probably knocked him out, had he been awake. The crowd watched in awe as he yawned and scratched his nose, barely affected by Silvis.
"What should we do?" Someone asked.
"Do you know who he is?" Asked another.
As the murmurs heighted Daglan could tell Silvis was getting fired up, over the years Daglan had gotten to know Silvis quite well, with all his escapades outside the town walls. Daglan knew better than anyone that Silvis hated when a patient ignored her, and more so when she had to repeat herself.
"I said quiet! Don't you lazy bums have more important things to do?! Livani! Koreso! Aren't you two on watch?! Scram the lot of you!" A wave of fear crashed down upon the crowd and everyone began to disperse. All but Daglan, as Rozere pulled on his sleeve.
"Come on Daglan," she hissed, keeping an eye on Silvis like she was some wild animal, "You don't want to make her angrier."
"I'll be fine," he whispered, without looking back, his eyes stuck on the sleeping man. What was this feeling? It was like the feeling he got when Silvis healed his wounds, but not as warm. Almost closer to the feeling he got when abominations were near, when he ventures past the walls, but not as malicious. Before he knew it he was kneeling next to Silvis, watching her run her hand across his body, her hands glowing faintly, his curiosity bubbling.
"He isn't cursed or hypnotized, I can't feel a single thing wrong with him. I do believe this man is really just asleep, and slept through a slap in the face." Silvis sighed. After a few moments she looked at Daglan with a tired smile, then frowned. "Thanks for being quite Daglan, now since you're gonna bum around, get to work hauling this bastard back to my infirmary and don't let him out of your sight. I want to know as soon as he wakes up."
Daglan looked around to ask Rozere for help but she was already gone, how long had he been watching this stranger and Silvas? He looked down at the smiling, snoring face of the stranger, scooped under his arms, and with much difficulty began dragging the older, bigger boy to the infirmary.
The infirmary was quiet today, there hadn't been a major abomination attack in quite a few weeks which didn't happen often. It wasn't long before Rozere came in with a grimace on her face and her fingers on her nose.
"Honestly," she said in that strange nasally voice when you hold your nose, "I hate how much time you make me spend here. Between you getting hurt and my dad making me help Silvas, I can't get away!" She plopped down next to him and sighed. "So what's with this guy? Why are you still here with him?"
"Silvas asked me to watch him and tell her when he wakes up. Apparently I can't let him leave till she talks to him." He shrugged, trying more to convince himself. She eyed him suspiciously, but immediately dropped the subject.
"Did you notice his sword was tied closed? I wonder what that's about?" She reached out and placed a hand on his sword, and just then the weird energy the stranger gave off changed from similar to those of the abominations , to even scarier than anything he'd ever felt from them. Rozere fell to her knees and screamed as the stranger stood over her. When had he stood up?! Daglan shot to his feet, a smile ripping across his face as excitement crackled through his body. He prepared to defend his friend, when just as quickly as the evil energy had manifested, it disappeared. In fact the feeling Daglan had been getting from the stranger had all but subsided completely.
He stared at Daglan and Rozere with a confused look. When Rozere had eventually stopped screaming, Daglan held out his hand to help her up. Daglan’s mind raced with questions but could he do nothing but stare at the stranger as he stared back.
“Uh, hello-” he began and just then Silvas and Koshu burst through the door with Livani and Koreso close behind. Koshu sprang in between Rozere and the stranger, towering over him.
"What did you do to my daughter!" He said through gritted teeth. The stranger scratched the back of his head and opened his mouth when Rozere spoke up,
"It was nothing dad, he just woke up and scared me! Look at me I'm fine, now would you stop!" But Koshu didn't flinch, not until Silvas spoke up.
"Back off Koshu, Rozere is right, she's fine, and this boy is obviously no danger at the moment." He mumbled something under his breath but did as he was told . "Yeah, listen to Silvas and not me." Rozere grumbled, crossing her arms.
"Now listen here young lady, you will show your aunt some resp–" Koshu began but Silvas smacked him in the back of the head.
"Now isn't the time, Koshu, take her and go," she glared at the stranger, who was still smiling awkwardly and scratching the back of his head.
“Everyone out, now.”
"Uh, where am I? He eventually stammered.
"Daglan, out." Silvas said forcefully, without taking her eyes off the stranger. As well as Daglan knew Silvas, he'd never seen her this worked up, not even about the abominations . She was so strong-willed, so much more than anyone else in town. He had heard stories about Silvas, but only bits and pieces around town, probably all made up. Still there was one he heard more than others, he had heard before she lived in Graybarrow she had fought in some kind of war.
Daglan sat outside the infirmary trying to hear as much as he could. Wondering what could have gotten Silvas so worried, and if that man was even human. He could barely hear anything, mostly Silvas's mumbled questioning and the nervous laughter of the stranger. As he sat and pondered, an extremely tall, wide shouldered man sat down next to him and lit a cigarette. He had a long thick mustache that covered his upper lip but came down on the sides past his chin, and scruffy brown hair that stuck up at weird angles.
"Oh, hi Mr.Lucio." Daglan said as he pretended to have not been eavesdropping.
"I haven't seen you in class," he said as he blew out a cloud of smoke, "and I don't often see you hanging around here by choice." He continued to puff his cigarette as they sat in silence.
"Mr.Lucio… I can feel him like the abominations and Silvas's healing. What is he?"
"I'm not sure, from what I've heard he sounds human enough. What do you think?"
"I don't know… I think he's human? But why can I feel him?"
"There must be something similar between him, Silvas's healing, and the abominations from the mountains and forest, hmm?"
"I guess so…" They continued to sit in silence until Lucio had finished his cigarette.
"You can always talk to me if you need help, Daglan. You may like getting experience more, but a little book learning can go a long way." He stood up, pressing his cigarette out between his fingers and putting the butt in his pocket. "It's always good to see you, don't be a stranger." He said as he waved his hand walking away. Daglan thought about what Lucio had proposed, something similar. It didn't seem like Silvas or the stranger would be coming out soon so Daglan decided to go home and see what Rozere thought about all this.
When he did get home both Rozere and Koshu were in foul moods, having most likely fought since earlier. Deciding that he'd rather not be part of that, he grabbed his bag and scurried out the front door before Kusho had time to notice.
It's a short walk to the gate, the guards had patched up his last hole in the wall, but he had since come up with another, more thrilling way. Climbing up to the top of the traders hall, he'd be high enough to jump to the wall once the guards had passed. Then it was a quick jump down and a sprint out of their eyesight before he was able to relax. He walked along a path he knew quite well until he came up on a small ladder, it was built into a tree that led up to a small treehouse.
His exploration headquarters as he liked to call it. The inside was small and filled with trash, and his souvenirs from his adventures sat on a roughly made table. A small Salegitti skull, a broken dagger missing its tip, and a small crystal like rock that shown with faint yellow light. Next to them were three well worn books. He picked up the book titled journal and sat on the ground, scribbling furiously with a small piece of charcoal. He then began to study the other two, older, bigger books. One titled, Abominations of Hel’s Peaks, and the other, Creatures of South Shodun. Mr Lucio was right about book learning, but he liked his own books.
Back in town Rozere was wandering around with her hands behind her head, whistling to herself. “I wonder where Daglan is?” She pondered allowed, before realizing she had stopped in front of Silvas’s office. She stared at the large building with its off-white stone, and massive steel doors. There were various cracks and dents all along the wells and doors, as well as wooden planks over the windows, Silvas called them the clinic’s battlescars, there was nowhere safer to hide in the whole town.
She stared for a long time before realizing there was a man sitting in the grass, a large bottle of alcohol in one hand, and multiple empty bottles sitting neatly by his legs. His long spiky hair was a little cleaner, and the copious amounts of drool were now wiped away. His face was a bright red, and he had a cigarette hanging from his lips. He stared at her with a slight wobble,
“Hey… You're that girl that touched my sword right?” He took another large gulp from his bottle.
“Yeah? What of it?” She asked with defiance, her hands on her hips. He smiled a sickening smile and shot to his feet faster than Rozere could see.
“Why don't you try it again? Or will you simply scream for help? Little girls shouldn’t play with monsters.” He said as he towered over her. “Go ahead.” He lifted his arm in the air so his katana was unblocked. Rozere’s knees began to shake and a lump formed in her throat but she did not look away. She was an ant, and this man was a giant. She wasn't going to back down, but he could stand faster than she could see. Surely dropping his arm even faster would be no problem right? He was right, she wanted to scream, but she stood firm.
“Maybe I will!” She returned his malicious smile and reached out for his sword as fast as she could, bracing for the impact and the horrible crunch of bones as he grabbed her arm and snapped it in half. She flinched as her nerves went off, electric sensations coursing through her fingertips. It's happened! But what she felt wasn't pain, but the hard yet somehow soft grip of a katana hilt. She opened her eyes to see her hand firmly gripping his katana and a much more playful smile somehow even wider across this strange man’s face. He began to laugh loudly as she stumbled backwards and fell. He held out his hand, still giggling a little. She eyed him hard then after a moment smacked his hand away. She stood up, and began to brush herself off, glaring at him all the while. He apologized in between giggles.
“My name is Noboru, you've got quite the spirit to face me down. What's your name kid?” He asked as he sat back onto the grass and took another long swig from his bottle. Rozere straightened up and looked at him with a fiery gaze.
“Rozere of Grayborrow.” She said, crossing her arms. “And you dont scare me!”
“What are you yelling about Rozere?” Silvas asked as she appeared behind her. “You!” she exclaimed as she saw Noboru “Where did you get all of that from!? Rozere give me a hand and throw away these bottles would you?”
“She's already gone.” Noboru giggled. Silvas spun around to see that Rozere had indeed disappeared, as Noboru began to laugh louder. Rozere could hear the slap from across town as she sat against the traders hall. As she pondered just how big a lump must be on the side of Noboru's face, a ball smacked her’s.
“Hey who did that!?” She demanded as she hoped to her feat, tears forming in her eyes, which she quickly wiped away.
“Oh, sorry Rozere! I didn't mean to! Honest!” Said the boy as he ran up and grabbed his ball off the ground before the evil Rozere could kick it away, her foot swishing in the air. The boy was a few years younger than Rozere, had shaggy blonde hair, a tunic that was two sizes too big for him and a pair of round glasses broken in several spots.
“You better be sorry, pipsqueak!” she said, wiping her eyes and now running nose. “I'll have to beat you up if not!”
“Come on give Vilcus a break he said sorry. What are you doing over here by yourself anyways? Daglan run away again?” Said another girl with little blonde pigtails and red cheeks, as she came up behind Vilcus.
“Hi Meska and no he didn't run away again.” Rozere said, sticking her tongue out. “I just think he went for a walk is all… he'll be back… soon!” She crossed her arms and held her chin up. “Well why don't you come play with us until he gets back?” Meska asked, turning around and walking away, “We are playing dodgeball, maybe you can hit Vilcus in the face.”
“Hey nuh-uh! She won't hit me!” Vilcus persisted as he followed after her. Rozere sniffled, rubbed her nose with her sleeve, and smiled.
“Okay fine, but wait up!” She yelled.

As Daglan walked through the trees, he could feel the malicious energies from abominations all around him, it was making his blood boil. He remembered the stranger looking down at him and Rozere, overflowing with the most malicious intent he had ever felt. A smile began to creep across his face once more, as he could feel something close behind him. He spun around to see a creature he had only seen in books, the sight of which excited and terrified him. 

A giant humanoid creature with a long smooth snake-like torso, and grotesquely elongated arms and legs stood before him. It had a small pair of arms on its hips that bounced as if boneless, and a strange human face. Smooth indents of skin sat where the eyes should be, and it had a beak lined with razor teeth that jutted out at multiple angles. It clicked its tongue and sniffed the air then began to lick its beak with what could only be called a smile.
“What should I call you big fella?” Daglan asked nervously as excitement shot through his body. This wasn't like anything he'd ever encountered in the forest, or during attacks. This creature was much more dangerous. He gritted his teeth and forced an equally disgusting smile, even though he was sure the abomination couldn't see him. He pulled out the dagger he had smithed in secret at Koshu’s forge and dropped his stance lower, lower, lower. The creator was clicking and sniffing in anticipation, no doubt it could feel Daglan’s bloodlust.
Daglan took a slow step forward, then another. The creature's head tilted and it sniffed harder, then in a flash that Daglan couldn’t even see, it lashed out, slashing his shoulder apart. Adrenaline had already made its way to Daglan’s brain and he didn't even feel the warm blood soaking into his tunic or notice his limp arm flailing behind him as he attacked. He rolled under the creature’s arm and slashed at its ribs ripping its open sending its guts pouring out. It screamed in pain and whirled around, but its tall body and long arms whizzed over Daglan’s head. He rolled again, this time in between its legs, slashing at its knee, cutting down to the bone. It screamed again and fell to its knees with a gross squishy thud from one. It twitched and spazzed as it began twisting its body around in a disgusting manner.
Daglan approached cautiously, but the adrenaline had worn off and he looked down at his arm. It was almost completely blue, and the little skin and bone that held his arm to his body squirted copious amounts of blood. There was a blur then he was flying through the brush stopping when he thudden into a tree. His eyes began to blur with red, then black. The last thing he heard was a familiar voice...
“You are by far the most interesting of the bunch. Hey, can you hear me?”
When Deglan awoke he was looking at a ceiling he knew all too well. In a bed he had awoken in many times. But this time he couldn't move. “Silvas! What's happening?! Silvas! Rozere!” Daglan began to thrash when he heard that same voice.
“Hey hey hey! You're going to hurt yourself more than you already have!” When standing over him, blocking the light with his conical hat, was the stranger. “That was a nasty creature you were tangling with out there. I heard you like to fight but I'm guessing you've never seen a lasari before? Ugly things, and not easy to kill with small weapons if you don't know how.”
“I do know how.” Daglan said matter of factly, “They have two brains located behind the eye sockets.”
“Oh-ho-ho,” the stranger smiled maliciously, “ but how do you stop them from reproducing after that?” Daglan went silent for a moment. “What do you mean?"
“Lasari have a fun ability to reproduce from their corpse. Specifically, their heart has two eggs inside that will hatch if it ever stops beating. So to properly kill one you must burn the heart.” He laughed and presumably sat back down, out of Daglan’s eyesight. There was a slight pause and Daglan was about to speak when he heard a gasp and the stranger continued.
“Anyway, you almost lost your arm. Luckily, your doctor and blacksmith were able to fix you up, those two are something else. It'll take some time for your bo-” Daglan cut him off.
“What do you mean I almost lost my arm?! What did they do to me?!” He exclaimed, thrashing, memories of his broken and bleeding arm flashing through his mind.
“If you don't calm down, I will calm you down.” He said forcefully. “I hate babies. I thought you were supposed to be a tough kid? Now anyways it's just me and you here, everyone else is asleep, so please. I know you've heard of the metal prosthetics of this country, Metics, I think they're called? I’ve seen people in town with them. Well your blacksmith had to help your doctor make you a new shoulder.”
“So why are you being so helpful? I don't know you, and you feel the same as an abomination.” “See it's things like that!” He shot back up his face noticeably red.
“You're so interesting! I don't remember how I got here…” He scratched his head for a second, “but boy have I had fun since I've shown up!” Your girlfriend Rozere-”
“She's not my girlfriend, and you leave her alone!” He shouted.
“Well she's fearsome! And you’re so interesting too! Definitely the best five year o-”
“I’m twelve. Rozere is thirteen.”
“Well twelve then. Point is, I like you and your little girly friend, so I thought I'd help out and not let you die.” Then it dawned on Daglan, there was no way a search party found him like when he normally gets in a scap and passes. He had thoroughly lost and was deep in the woods. By all accounts he should be dead. Daglan was so angry he hadn't even thought about what happened afterwards.
“It was you. So what do you want from me? Are you some abomination loo-” This time the stranger cut him off.
“My name is Noboru, the handyman.”
“I've never heard of that species.”
“Well I'm not an abomination, I'm a jack-of-all-trades, so to speak. I travel from place to place making money doing odd jobs. Anyways, you remind me an awful lot of someone I used to know. So don't go throwing your life away against such low level trash as the abominations around here.” Daglan began to feel the intimidating malice from Noboru, almost that of when Rozere had touched his sword. “I know you can feel my energy. Unlike the people of this town, save a few, I think you're gifted.” Then it was gone just as quickly as before. “What do you want, Daglan.” Daglan’s blood was fire and his eyes daggers, piercing the ceiling with determination.
“I want to be remembered.”
“So get out of this town and maybe one day you can fight me, and I’m not even the strongest out there. Come… show this world what you're… made of because I for one… can't wait.” Just then Daglan heard a thud followed by an endless cascade of snores from Noboru.
“Would someone get me out of here!”

July 8th Excerpt from the Diary of Heaven White
‘Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, with your right hand you save me.’
Psalms 138:7
​
Onu’s instructions were clear. I recognize that, and I am fully aware that it is not wise to defy his wishes.
​
But there are things he is not telling me. Things that weigh on his mind at all hours of the day. I see it in his eyes. I hear it in his voice. I had initially suspected that the damage caused by Casey LaBeouf’s betrayal had left him more disorganized and scattered than he let on. But no.
​
I’m not so sure that is the case, anymore.
​
Onu’s instructions were clear. I was to stay out of Family affairs. But in the end, I truly could not help myself. The blood of my family runs through my veins. Their affairs are my affairs. Perhaps in Onu’s eyes, I will need to earn my status, but that does not bother me. In fact for now, it might well be an asset.
​
Unbound by the constraints of the Family, I am free to operate without Onu’s direct oversight. He may not approve, but he can not stop me.
​
I knew he’d be out of town tonight. On what business, I wasn’t sure. But his absence was my opportunity. The man he had assigned as my escort - a gentleman by the name of Doug Coleridge, was attentive but still very much human. When I told him I was going to bed, it did not take long before he did the same.
​
I lay awake and waiting, listening as he got settled in the guest bedroom beside mine, and waited until I knew he was asleep. Then, after about thirty minutes, I left my room to begin my research.
​
Onu’s office was left unlocked. I closed the door behind me as I entered. Then, just like before, I began searching through his desk. This time, I was thorough. Most of the documents he kept there were focused on some of the cases he’d taken on. I couldn’t help but notice how many had popped up since LaBeouf had defected. It struck me just how thinly he was spread. I left those folders alone after skimming through them. It was nothing for me to tamper with.
I left that drawer as I found it, before going through another. The documents there seemed to be more personal. There was a handgun, which I carefully set aside, some trinkets, pens and old newspaper articles.
​
Now those seemed very out of place. I skimmed through them and found no mention of LaBeouf. Most of them detailed an event from several years back. The murder of the Stone family. I couldn’t see why Onu would even care, until I saw the photograph of a woman.
​
Diana Stone was the name under it, and the woman was identical to the girl in the picture on Onu’s desk. At last I could put a name to the face. I glanced up at the picture of the woman, comparing the two before deciding they were the same person. I paused, studying her for a few moments longer. Her eyes were terribly familiar. The same burning amber as the eyes of the Girl who’d pushed my Father. For a moment, I caught myself wondering if they were one and the same, and skimmed through the story. The only useful data it provided, was that Diana Stone had died twenty years ago. A relative, perhaps? I’d need to look into it. But now was not the time. I returned everything to its proper place, and continued my search. Finally it bore some fruit.
​
The files on LaBeouf were plentiful, although disorganized and difficult to decipher. Most of it was from before his betrayal, and I sorted it into a little pile while I read through the newer material. There was very little on him currently, Onu’s notes and scribbles were vague as usual, although they often needed to be. He couldn’t afford to leave his secrets out in the open. I’d need to check the things he didn’t write down.
I looked over at his computer. What I was thinking was a brave move, and not without its risks. I’d not only need to be smart, but careful. A shake of the mouse brought up his login screen that requested a password. There was no hint given, either you knew it, or you did not. I admittedly did not know it.
​
I glanced at the framed picture of Diana Stone. It was a wild guess, perhaps guessing was a mistake, but it was all that I had to go off of. Aside from her possible connection to my Father’s killer (a connection that was only a half baked theory, at best) she was nobody special. She wasn’t part of the Family. The article I’d read had stated she was a dancer, and I doubted Onu had enough affinity for dance to idolize a dead small time ballerina. No… she was special to him, for some reason. Perhaps special enough to guard his secrets. I typed, ‘Diana’ into the box. His computer opened up to me, and from there, it was trivial to open his email. It’s so convenient how computers save passwords, isn’t it?
​
From there, it didn’t take long to find some more useful information.
It seemed that I’d underestimated Onu. He’d kept his eyes all too closely trained on LaBeouf’s brother. There were copies of emails that he’d sent, and a few barely useful status updates that one of his shadows had sent him.
​
The would-be senator hadn’t contacted his brother directly to their knowledge, and Casey’s disappearance had been marked by the disappearance of another man involved in LaBeouf’s defection. This man’s name was Steven Love. A police detective and it wasn’t exactly difficult to determine that their disappearances were likely connected. I found little on him aside from a file attached to an email. There was no concrete evidence tying him to LaBeouf, other than the two men had seemingly left town at the same time, and Love had more or less dropped off the face of the earth since then. He unfortunately seemed to be another dead end. The name only came up once in another email, that suggested he was the one to whom Casey had spoken to. Aside from that, no picture, no address, nothing. Frustrating, but I kept digging. There was little else to find, but not quite nothing.
In one of the emails, from Kasting, there was a footnote that made me go back and look at Love’s files. He had a partner, a man by the name of Vincent Bennett. There were no files on him, but the footnote read as follows.
​
Terry spoke with Bennett, about a week before he went dark. Lexi followed up on it. Can’t find any connection. Bennett says he’d stopped working with Love before he disappeared and he’d heard of LaBeouf, but didn’t work on the case. We’ll keep an eye on him, but I don’t think he’s behind what happened.
​
Kasting seemed to think that this Bennett man was a dead end… but I made a note of the name anyways. Perhaps if Kasting couldn’t get the Detective to talk (assuming he even knew anything at all), I could. I wasn’t sure how… but I was sure I’d think of something.
​
Intrigued, I skimmed a little further until I found another email from one of Onu’s other shadows.
​
I looked into that weird address that was contacting Matt. Far as I can tell, it’s legit. Maybe he just likes Japanese cartoons? TMFI.
-Lexi
​
How bizarre. I looked a little further until I found another reference to the address that had been contacting Matthew LaBeouf. It was a copy of one of the emails that had been sent to him.
​
Hi Matthew!
Thank you again for your recent purchase from Ultimate Waifu! Your new handmade Dakimakura cover has been safely shipped and you should expect it within the next few days. We hope you enjoy this adorable cuddlemuffin! Don’t be too rough with her! She’s delicate!
Please feel free to contact us if there are any concerns or questions and please leave a customer review if you are satisfied with our service!
-Sammy
​
The image was signed with a little pixel art image of a character with short blue hair. I reread the email a few times, before finally finding a copy of the email one of his Shadows had sent the same address.
​
Hi Alexis!
We’re sorry to say that the item you’re looking for is currently out of stock! But if you really, really, reeeeeally want it, we can totally contact you when it comes in again! We’d really hate to deprive anyone of a sweet kawaii cuddlemuffin to keep them warm at night! In the meanwhile, please feel free to browse our quality selection of stain resistant, machine washable, Dakimakura!
-Sammy
​
The same little cartoon character was there by the signature, and I closed out of the emails. I couldn’t make heads or tails of them, so for now, I decided to leave it alone. I moved on to see what else I could find, before a voice in the darkness interrupted me.
​
“Y’know this is the exact thing I’m supposed to stop you from doing.”
​
I looked up, to see a shadow in the door of the office. The light came on, and I was greeted by the sleepy, but sternly disapproving face of Doug Coleridge. He was a tall, broad shouldered man in his early forties with thick hair that was just starting to gray and intense brown eyes.
“What’s the harm in curiosity?” I asked.
“You ever heard that old saying ‘Curiosity killed the cat?’” He asked, his voice still heavy with sleep.
“Well then I’d have plenty to fear if I were a cat, wouldn’t I?”
​
He sighed, and approached me to turn off Onu’s screen. “Don’t be a smartass, Heaven,” He said. “Your Uncle told me to keep you out of this stuff for a reason. So do me a solid, and don’t get us both in trouble.”
“I’m just reexamining what he already knows.” I said, “Technically I haven’t done anything yet!”
“What did I just say about being smart with me? Leave the LaBeouf thing alone. It’s none of your business.”
​
“He betrayed the Family. Of course it’s my business.” I replied, “If I want Onu to take me seriously, then I need to contribute. Simple as that.”
“A lot of things I’d have figured you for, kid. But a glory hound wasn’t one of them” He said, “They’re never gonna to catch LaBeouf, you know that, right?”
​
“Never is a harsh word. I’m not doing it for repute. If Onu won’t give me an opportunity to contribute, I’ll make my own.”
“Yeah, great idea. I’m sure it won’t blow up horribly in your face,” Coleridge said dryly. “Let me know how you plan on doing that.”
“Well, I could use the help… if you were interested,” I offered.
​
Coleridge raised an eyebrow at me before scoffing.
“Last time I checked, I worked for Robert, not for you.”
“Oh come now! Say we did find him, it’d look good on both of us!” I said.
“I’d also be crossing one of the most powerful men in the city.” Coleridge pointed out, as if expecting me to have some sort of answer for that.
“We’d be doing him a favor.” I noted.
“Yeah, I don’t think he’ll see it that way when you get caught,” Coleridge said before sighing. “Look, I admire your dedication, I do. But like I said before, there’s a damn good reason Robert doesn’t want you involved in this.”
​
“Is there?” I asked, “Because I don’t see it! Do you?”
Coleridge was silent for a moment, staring intently at me. Then, finally he sighed.
“Go get dressed,” He said, before turning to leave.
“Why?”
“Because you and me are going for a drive.”
​
“To where?” I asked, feeling a slight pang of concern in my chest as I followed Coleridge out into the hall.
“You wanna know why your Uncle doesn’t want you involved in this? I’m gonna show it to you,” Coleridge said matter of factly.
I watched as he disappeared back into his bedroom, before quietly going to mine to find some clean clothes.
​
***
​
Coleridge and I drove in relative silence through the night. He didn’t tell me where we were going, even when I asked and were I a more paranoid woman, I might have worried that he had some kind of ill intent.
​
I’m not sure if I should have been surprised or not when he brought me to a hospital.
“Is this some sort of underhanded threat?” I asked, as he pulled into the underground parking lot.
“That’s not what I’d call this, no.” He replied as he pulled into a spot. He got out of the car and I followed.
​
“I don’t know how much you know about your Uncle’s reputation, but Robert isn’t the kind of man you double cross,” He said as he headed for the elevator. “If you ask me, Casey had some real balls, doing what he did.”
“And yet Onu still hasn’t found him,” I noted.
“Trust me, he’s been looking,” Coleridge said. I followed him into the elevator and he hit a button, taking us up to the 6th floor.
“So I’ve seen. And it would appear that all he’s uncovered are anime body pillows. That’s hardly progress, if you ask me.”
​
Coleridge chuckled.
“Saw those emails, did you?” He asked. “But no… use your brain, kiddo. You really think your Uncle is going to keep the juicy stuff in his emails?”
​
He might have had a point there. The elevator doors opened and Coleridge stepped out. I followed him. He led me through the pale linoleum halls of the hospital, although to where, I really wasn’t sure.
“After LaBeouf skipped town, Robert sent the usual guy he hires for this kind of stuff after him. Travis Gordon. Can’t really say that he and I were ever friends, but I worked with him from time to time… long story short, he was one a ruthless son of a bitch.”
​
“If he was, you would have thought he’d have found LaBeouf by now, wouldn’t you?” I asked.
“Yeah, you would’ve. Heck, maybe he did find him… not like Travis would tell us.”
He led me down a short hall, before pausing in front of a door.
“Why not?” I asked, before noticing the name on the door.
​
Travis Gordon.
​
I looked back at Coleridge.
“If this is some sort of elaborate prank, Mr. Coleridge, than you can save your energy and-”
“You wanted to know why Robert doesn’t want you involved in this. I’m showing you,” Coleridge replied plainly. “You wanna know why he’s not putting more effort into chasing LaBeouf? Go through that door. See for yourself.”
​
I stared at the door again. Suddenly the world around me felt a little more present. The ground beneath my feet felt a little more real. I stared at the door, but I couldn’t open it. Coleridge stood beside me, watching me quietly. After a while, he just sighed.
​
“Let’s go,” He said, getting up to leave. “It’s probably best if you don’t tell Robert that I brought you here. I don’t think he’d-”
“What happened to him?” I asked.
Coleridge looked back at me.
“What happened to him?” I repeated. “He was injured, right? What happened to him?”
“I don’t know,” Coleridge replied plainly.
​
I looked back at the door. Coleridge stood waiting for me.
“Tell you what, I know a good diner just down the street. Best cheesecake in town. My treat. We’ll go home, forget about this whole thing and-”
​
I opened the door and stepped inside. Coleridge’s voice died in his throat.
The room I entered was dimly lit, but I could see the hospital bed and the figure lying on it. I could hear Coleridge’s footsteps behind me and looked back to see him standing in the doorway, his expression grim. He didn’t say a word to me.
​
Slowly, I approached the still body of Travis Gordon. I could hear the steady beep of a heart monitor and the rhythmic hiss of oxygen. In the dim light of the hospital, I could see that his eyes were open. I paused, thinking that he might have been awake. But his eyes weren’t focused on me. They just stared thoughtlessly up at the ceiling and it took me a moment to realize that the only reason they were open, was because he had no eyelids to close.
​
My stomach turned as the realization hit me, and as I stared at Travis Gordon’s face, each new mutilation became clear to me.
​
Someone had taken a knife to his face, cutting away flesh and letting it fester and scar. In some places, I could even see exposed bone. What was left of him barely even resembled a person anymore. He had no nose, no lips, no cheeks… his face had been almost completely butchered!
​
I clamped a hand to my mouth to keep myself from screaming and took a step back, right into Coleridge’s arms. He stared down at Travis Gordon with an expression that was somewhere between sorrow and disgust.
​
“What… what happened to him?” I asked.
“Last we heard from him, he was following up on a lead in Toronto. Then about three months later, they found him on a plane, looking like this… they needed to use his dental records to ID him.”
​
My stomach turned.
“They took his eyelids, his tongue and did that to his face… they cut his fingers off at the second knuckle and castrated him. His spine is broken. He’ll never walk again, and God only knows how many drugs they pumped into him… I guess the one small silver lining is that I don’t think he’s really in there anymore. Far as I’ve heard, he doesn’t know who he is, where he is or what happened to him. He’s just… gone.”
​
I saw Travis shift slightly and saw his eyes move toward me. My breath caught in my throat. Coleridge stared at him, but didn’t say a word. He just put a hand on my shoulder. Travis’s breathing grew heavier. I saw him try to open his mouth, but the only sound that came out was a dull, wet gurgling noise.
​
Coleridge pulled me toward the door, and I followed. I couldn’t look anymore. He closed the door behind him, and I heard him let out the breath he’d been holding the entire time.
“You wanna know why your Uncle doesn’t want you looking into LaBeouf? You wanna know why he asked me to keep an eye on you? That. That is why.”
​
I didn’t reply.
​
I couldn’t.
​
“Whoever did that to him… and I say ‘whoever’ because it sure as hell wasn’t LaBeouf, they could’ve killed him. Instead they sent him back here to us.”
“But why?” I asked, looking over at Coleridge.
“I figure it’s a message,” He replied. “Back off.”
​
He turned and headed down the hall again, back toward the elevator.
“Well… message received, loud and clear.”
“So whoever did that, they’re just going to get away with it?” I asked, “Onu’s not going after them?”
“Yeah, surprisingly he’s not sending anyone to look for the person who cuts peoples faces off and tortures them until they’re a gibbering mess. Can’t imagine why,” Coleridge said.
​
I stared back at the room, before quietly following him back to the elevator. We rode down in silence.
“Like I said before, it’s probably better if you don’t tell your Uncle I took you here,” He finally said, breaking the silence between us. “And it’s probably best if you drop this whole LaBeouf thing.”
​
The elevator doors opened and Bennett stepped out again, back into the parking garage.
“What about following up on some local leads?” I asked.
He paused, and though I couldn’t see his face, I knew he was rolling his eyes.
“You’re joking, right?” He asked, looking back at me.
​
I wasn’t. I was dead serious.
“If there’s nothing to find, what risk am I putting myself in?” I asked, “And if there is something to find, we can give it straight to Onu. You said that Travis had gone to Toronto, right? We won’t even be leaving town! And you’ll be with me the entire time!”
“Are you… are you actually serious right now?” Coleridge asked, “Did you not see what happened to the last guy who went poking around here!”
​
“Yes and clearly he was onto something!” I argued, “Whoever did that to him… they were trying to scare us, and clearly they’ve succeeded!”
“Yeah, cutting a guys face off tends to do that,” Coleridge scoffed. “And considering how your last assistant got hit by a train, I’m really not a fan of what this little investigation of yours might do to my life expectancy!”
​
“Things will be different this time!” I assured him, “You’re not my Father, you’re different, more experienced! I only want to follow up on one thing, at least help me with that!”
“No! That’s my final answer!” He said.
“Fine, then if you won’t help me I’ll do it myself! You may be assigned to keep an eye on me Mr. Coleridge, but unless you plan on physically restraining me, you can’t stop me!”
​
Coleridge opened his mouth to argue, before signing and rubbing his temples.
“For Christ’s sakes, woman!”
“You’re not supposed to take the Lord’s name in vain.”
​
He gave me an incredulous look, before finally giving in.
“Fine, fine… if it’ll get you to drop this, I’ll help… What is it?”
“I want to follow up on a lead. A man named Vincent Bennett. That’s all.”
​
Coleridge considered it for a moment before sighing.
“I’m gonna regret this, aren’t I? Alright, fine… I’ll help you with this, and then we’re done. Deal?”
He offered me a hand to shake, and I shook it.
“Deal.”

Hello everyone,
​
Imagine being trapped in a destructive cycle for eight long years, knowing you need to escape but feeling utterly powerless to do so. That was my reality. I'm a 26-year-old man who, from the tender age of 12, found himself caught in the relentless grip of pornography and masturbation addiction.
​
By 18, I was painfully aware of the damage it was causing and desperate to break free. I tried everything – NoFap, meditation, sports, cold showers, even punishing myself, but to no avail. It felt like my addiction was an unshakeable opponent. But then, something changed. I discovered a strategy that changed my life. If you're struggling, I want to share this with you...
​
Caught in the grip of this addiction, I would spend an average of seven hours per day, even peaking at thirteen hours sometimes. The toll of this habit was heavy, affecting my personal, professional, and social life severely. Yet everything changed when I discovered Jack Trimpey's Rational Recovery method.
​
While his book provided me with crucial insights, it was his comprehensive AVRT Demonstration, where Trimpey guided an alcohol addict towards permanent abstinence, that truly filled the missing pieces in my fight against addiction. The Rational Recovery method fundamentally shifted my perspective towards addiction, helping me to recognize and silence the voice of my brain (the Beast) pushing me to consume. Today, I want to share my experience, hoping it could be an effective solution for many of you. You can access the entire demonstration at the end in the 'Useful Resources' section.
​
Understanding Addiction and Navigating this Guide
​
Let's talk about what addiction really is. Addiction isn't about the behavior itself, but rather the desire to escape pain and seek a better life. It is marked by ambivalence, a feeling of being torn between two minds. Overcoming addiction involves breaking free from the grip of pleasure and reclaiming control over oneself.
​
Before I delve into how I applied the Rational Recovery method and the results I got, I want to pose a simple but powerful question: If I placed a big red button in front of you that, when pressed, would instantly eradicate your addiction, would you press it?
​
If your answer is 'yes', then you have all the reasons you need to quit. I've been where you are now, writing pages upon pages of reasons to stop, yet relapsing despite knowing how harmful it was. It's important to recognize when a pattern becomes harmful, it's time to stop.
​
As you explore this guide, remember the importance of keeping an open mind. Let's borrow some wisdom from Mark Twain, who once said, “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.” It's a nod to the importance of being receptive to new ideas and methods. This guide may offer a different approach, but embracing it might bring about the change you're seeking.
​

What is AVRT?

​
AVRT (Addictive Voice Recognition Technique) is a transformative strategy that I've found invaluable in my journey to overcoming addiction. This technique helps you recognize and differentiate yourself from the 'addictive voice', the part of your primitive brain structure that fuels your addiction.
​
Think of AVRT as your personal defense mechanism that works under any circumstance, regardless of your emotional state – be it sadness, anger,boredom, loneliness, or stress. The aim here isn't to suppress these emotions, but rather to stay in control of your actions, no matter what you're feeling.
​
The 'addictive voice' – which we'll call the 'beast' – is a sneaky internal saboteur. It's the part of you that wants to continue with the harmful habit, despite you consciously knowing it's not beneficial. AVRT is about learning to separate this beast from your own true will, thus empowering you to reclaim your life.
​
The power of AVRT lies in this distinction between you and the beast. Once you master this technique, you'll learn to reject the rationalizations and temptations that originate from the beast. The dissociation from the beast is what makes it possible to make a firm, irrevocable commitment to quit your addiction. By not identifying with the beast, you can prevent yourself from suffering commonly associated with resisting addiction.
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In essence, AVRT isn't about fighting or resisting; it's about recognizing, dissociating, and reclaiming control of your life.
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What is the "beast"?

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The "beast" is a term coined by the Rational Recovery method to denote the part of your brain pushing you towards your addiction. We call it the Beast because, like a wild, uncontrollable animal, it cares about nothing but fulfilling its need. It is a cunning inner voice, whispering that you need to engage in porn and masturbation to feel satisfied, relieved, or happy. This voice, often referred to as the Addictive Voice (AV), can be quite deceptive. It might paint you a picture of an enticing scene, produce alluring sounds, offer a moment of relief, or even present a false promise of control—"Just be more careful next time."
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This beast manipulates you with excuses, deceptive emotions, and outright lies to make you succumb to your addiction. But let's make one thing clear: the beast is not your friend. It's your worst enemy. It's a parasitic entity that has latched onto your life, thriving on your addictive behavior. Like every living thing, it fears its end, and that end comes when you stop feeding the addiction. It has no regard for your well-being, your relationships, your life goals, or your health. Only its survival matters.
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As you read through this guide, it's crucial to remain aware of the Beast's interference. Remember, the Beast manifests as a voice in your head or as an emotion, pushing you towards addictive thoughts and actions. You might experience feelings of resistance, discomfort, anger, fear, anxiety, or even a cringe reaction. These are the Beast's attempts to disrupt your progress.
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While the Beast can attempt to manipulate your thoughts and emotions, it does not and cannot control your actions. It's your survival instincts that the Beast taps into, but your ability to make decisions, to govern your actions, thoughts, and emotions is uniquely yours.
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The Beast may present itself in thoughts like, "This is too difficult to understand," "This won't work for me," or "I'm an exception to this method." Understand that these thoughts are not your own, but the Beast's desperate attempts to maintain control.
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In its relentless quest for satisfaction, the beast views everything, including you, as expendable. It's the embodiment of your addiction, caring for nothing but its next fix. It's deaf to reason, blind to consequences, and immune to remorse.
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If this description resonates with you, don't panic. You're not 'sick.' It's merely an error of association made by your body - an error in the script, so to speak. It mistakenly believes that this addictive behavior is as vital for your survival as breathing or eating.
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Take these moments of resistance as signs that you are on the right track. You're threatening the Beast's existence, and it's trying to fight back. Recognize these voices for what they are, continue moving forward, and know that each step brings you closer to reaffirming your control and freedom from addiction.
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[How to Proceed]
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Recognition Technique

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Let me share an effective exercise, adapted from the Rational Recovery book, that could help you end your porn and masturbation addiction right now.
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Start by observing your thoughts and feelings about watching porn or masturbating, both positive and negative. The thoughts and feelings that encourage continued use represent your Addictive Voice (AV), while those advocating for abstinence represent the real you.
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When you learn to identify and understand your AV, it becomes an easily defeated foe causing you to indulge. All it craves is pleasure. The main tactic of the Beast is to seize control of the pronoun 'I'. It will try to convince you by saying things like "I want to watch porn" or "I need pornography ".
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However, you can effectively counter this strategy. By simply adding a 't' and shifting the 'I' to 'It', you can remind yourself that these thoughts are not truly yours, but are the Beast's manipulations. So the sentences become, "It wants to watch porn" or "It needs pornography ".
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By changing "I" to "It", you dissociate from the discomfort or distress. Yes, it's that simple, placing it squarely on the Beast instead of yourself. It's crucial to recognize that these feelings are the Beast's attempts to coerce you back into addiction.
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Now, tell yourself, "I will never consume porn or masturbate again", and listen for any negative reactions – this is your AV responding. Conversely, if you think, "I will consume porn or masturbate whenever I please," any pleasant feelings that arise are also your AV asserting control.
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This recognition technique dispels short-term desire, making abstinence effortless. Complete separation of 'you' from 'it' results in complete recovery and hope for a better life.
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Picture the AVRT technique as a form of gardening. The Addictive Voice is the weed trying to overtake your garden and sapping nutrients from the other plants. Recognizing the weed for what it is and uprooting it preserves your garden's health. Similarly, identifying and acting against your Addictive Voice safeguards a healthy and fulfilling life free from addiction.
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Shifting Technique

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Shifting is another powerful technique to help you dissociate from the beast of addiction. The idea is to alternate between viewing your addiction from the perspective of the beast and your own.
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When viewing addiction through the Beast's eyes, you visualize what it craves the most about the addictive behavior and imagine the associated pleasure for a few minutes. It will express sentiments like "I want this now!" or "Please give it to me!", and you may start to feel the beast getting excited, happy, or impatient.
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Then, shift to your perspective and reflect on the pain and negative impact the addiction has on you and those around you. Allow yourself feelings of disgust. Let your own feelings now take over, and you will find that your Beast withdraws and you feel either neutral or put off. This back-and-forth process allows you to dissociate from the Beast.
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Think of Shifting as toggling between two TV channels: one projects a seductive yet distorted image of addiction, while the other reveals the harsh reality of its damage.
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Introducing the "Big Plan"

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The idea of the Big Plan in Rational Recovery is to make a personal commitment to lifelong abstinence from addiction. This commitment, for me, took the form of the decisive statement, "I will never consume porn or masturbate again". It involves pinpointing a day and an hour for your turning point. For me, that was a Sunday at 12am. This moment represents a clear and definitive end to your addictive behavior and the start of a new chapter in your life. You can decide to commit either immediately after going through this post or by specifying your day and hour. It's entirely your choice, and we'll discuss this in more depth later.
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Your Power Over the Beast

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The Beast, despite its intimidating name, is in fact harmless. It may try to coerce, manipulate, and instill fear, but it is important to remember that it is powerless without your consent. It cannot force you to return to the addictive behavior; only you can make that decision. In fact, you are the main authority, the one in charge, and it's the Beast that fears you.
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The Beast is aware of your power and control, and it's terrified of it. It knows that you can shatter its illusions in a snap, without any difficulty. You're the one who makes the call, not the Beast, and it fears your unyielding decision to quit the addiction forever.
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Its tactics may often involve fear. It's like the Beast is pointing a gun at you, but the truth is, its gun is empty. It's just a bluff, an illusion. You know it, and the Beast knows it too. It's simply trying to maintain its influence by resorting to fear tactics, but you can see through its lies.
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"Don't trust yourself in tempting situations...you're not strong enough yet." – The Beast's voice:
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The Beast tries to maintain control by suggesting certain places, events, or people will trigger a relapse. You might hear it whisper, "You can't go to that event, you might relapse," or "Avoid that location, it's too risky." This is simply the Beast's tactic to keep a hold on you, aiming to make you believe you're not completely in control.
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By simply recognizing it for what it is - a tactic of the Beast to undermine your confidence - you can dismiss these fear tactics and reaffirm your control.
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What if I Lose Control?

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The Beast within you is a cunning entity, ever ready to exploit your moments of doubt and vulnerability. It whispers falsehoods, instilling fear and shaking your confidence. But don't be swayed, for you have always held the reins. The Beast may inhabit a corner of your mind, but it lacks the power to control your actions.
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Not convinced? Try this: Extend your finger in front of your eyes and move it, then ask the Beast to do the same. The Beast can't because it doesn't hold sway over your physical actions.
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The truth is, you've never truly "failed" in your endeavor against addiction. You've always had the choice, and sometimes you've elected to surrender to the Beast's desires. But that doesn't equate to losing control. It merely shows you gave in, momentarily, to the Beast's whisperings.
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Expectations

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Recovery from addiction isn't about becoming a superhero or uncovering the universe's hidden secrets. It's about realizing that we don't have control over every aspect of life. However, we do have control over our actions, our reactions, and how we choose to face life's unpredictable events.
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Do you choose the path of self-discovery and freedom from addiction? Or do you prefer to remain confined by the restrictions that addiction imposes? Be cautious: the Beast may distort your perspective, asking, "Where are the benefits?" or suggesting, "You haven't gained anything," and even instigating impatience by incessantly asking, "How long until I see the benefits?"
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But don't fall prey to these distortions. Escaping addiction isn't about immediate gain or fixing all your life's problems. Recovery isn't a magic solution; it's a step towards personal empowerment. It's about gaining freedom and unlocking your potential, not just as a person in recovery, but as an individual capable of resilience and authenticity.
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Concentrate on the liberation that breaking free from addiction brings. Let's choose this path towards a life where addiction no longer controls us, allowing us to genuinely live and experience life to its fullest.
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Understanding the Real Reason You're Engaging in This

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Engaging in this addiction is solely for pleasure and nothing more. Every other justification is a fabrication of the Beast. It's designed to make you believe that giving in to your addiction is the only route to happiness or relief when you're feeling depressed, bored, lonely, stressed, or miserable.
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Speaking from personal experience, I used to think that I turned to pornography and masturbation because I was lonely, stressed, or had a rough day. I thought that because I spent my entire day working alone on a computer, my environment or lifestyle was to blame for my addiction. These were excuses, a way to avoid taking responsibility for my actions, guided by the Beast's narrative.
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The key to recognizing the Beast is noticing that the conversation always bends towards indulgence in your addiction.
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Imagine you're having a tough day, and you begin to feel down. Instead of recognizing this as a passing mood, the Beast seizes this opportunity. It will amplify your negative emotions by saying things like, "You're always unhappy, aren't you? You know what would make you feel better... just one quick session won't hurt." Or, "You're so lonely, this is unbearable. Just indulge, it's your only comfort." These harsh whispers are the Beast's attempts to deepen your feeling of depression and nudge you towards the addictive behavior. Depression doesn't create addiction; addiction does.
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The Beast's goal? To make you feel so low that resorting to your addiction seems like the only way out. Conversely, when you're content and joyful, the Beast will persuade you to give in, arguing it will amplify your satisfaction. Just think about it. If you're living what you perceive as a perfect life, the Beast will still argue you could feel even better with pornography and masturbation. It's a never-ending, destructive cycle.
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Understanding and Separating Desire

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Desire, in its essence, is not a negative emotion; it's a natural human condition. It propels us toward achievement, drives creativity, and gives meaning to our experiences. It also plays a crucial role in our relationships and our sexuality. The key in overcoming addiction is not to extinguish desire altogether, but to discern between healthy desires and those manipulated by the Beast.
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Imagine your desires as a beautiful, roaring river. It's full of life, movement, and potential. This river represents your natural, healthy desires - things like connecting with others, pursuing your hobbies, personal growth, and even your sexual desires. These are your desires, part of who you are.
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Then, there's the Beast's desire - a poisonous stream trying to merge into your river, attempting to hijack your natural flow. This stream carries the pull of addiction, steering you away from your authentic path, manipulating your thoughts, and distorting your perceptions.
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Recognize this poisonous stream and refuse to let it merge with your river. This is not about damming the entire river or stifling your desires, but about rejecting the poisonous stream that the Beast introduces. It's about retaining your authentic desires and letting them guide you.
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Identify that any thought associated with the desire to indulge in the addiction is coming from the Beast. By doing so, you begin to differentiate between what you truly want and what the Beast wants. This understanding will empower you, helping you keep your river clean, vibrant, and true to its course.
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In the whirlwind of addiction, it can be easy to confuse the Beast's desires with our own. I, too, was lost in this confusion. I believed I was drawn to endless layers of perversion, thinking that I was attracted to the limitless exploration of perversion. But deep down, this wasn't me, it was the Beast's influence, its relentless push for more and more. Upon reflection, I realized my true desire was much simpler and profoundly more meaningful: to love and be loved. To have a wife, to raise children together, to share in the mundane and the magical moments of life. That's my authentic desire, not the empty promises of temporary pleasure the Beast kept pushing. This profound clarity is a stark contrast to the Beast's corruption, a beacon that can guide you back to your true self.
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The goal is not to eliminate desire, but to reclaim it, to keep it authentic and personal. Desire is a part of your humanity; it's the Beast's manipulation of it that leads to addiction.

The Myth of Relapse and the Power of Perfection.

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The Beast might sometimes whisper, "It's okay to relapse. You'll do better next time." This is a shrewd strategy designed to maintain its hold on you by normalizing relapse as a part of the recovery journey. It uses these tactics to sow seeds of doubt in your mind, aiming to eventually lead you to relapse. Rational Recovery, however, views this differently: the key is making a definitive decision—your Big Plan—to abstain from the addictive behavior and sticking to it under any circumstances.
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Human beings are perfectly capable of achieving perfection in certain aspects of life. Consider the professional athlete who plays a perfect game or the musician who delivers a flawless performance. They do so by making a firm commitment to their goal and adhering to it diligently, without allowing any room for mistakes.
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Similarly, your recovery journey can be perfect too. Once you make your Big Plan to abstain from addictive behavior, you can stick to it perfectly, without any relapses. This is the ideal that Rational Recovery promotes—not "try, fail, and try again," but "decide and stick to your decision perfectly."
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Your Beast wants you to believe that perfection is unachievable, as this gives it room to persuade you to relapse. But don't let it fool you. You have the power to make a perfect decision and stick to it.
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What if it's too Difficult or Painful?

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Instead of pondering over this, consider a different question: 'For whom is it too painful or difficult?' Any discomfort or difficulty associated with ceasing the addiction stems from the Beast, not you. Observing the Beast's distress is a positive sign - it shows you're successfully dissociating from it.
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Remember that humans can only fully experience one feeling at a time. When you start feeling discomfort from abstaining, it's crucial to recognize that this isn't your discomfort. It's the Beast that suffering. The Beast is protesting because it's not getting what it wants. This suffering isn't negative for you; in fact, it's a positive sign. It means you're successfully asserting control over your decisions, as the Beast's discomfort indicates that it's losing its influence over you.
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Most importantly, remember: you are safe. You risk nothing by quitting this addiction. Every feeling of discomfort or fear is from the Beast, not you. Your well-being and safety are never in jeopardy by choosing to stop. By rejecting the Beast's influence and asserting your control, you reclaim your freedom from addiction.
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How would I know what I will do in the future?

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While predicting your future actions may be impossible, you can certainly define what you would never do. Consider the activities that you find disturbing, unhealthy, and reprehensible - those that you would never engage in.
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Now, add porn and masturbation addiction to that list. As you do this, pay attention to your Beast. It might try to concoct far-fetched scenarios that seem to justify succumbing to the addiction. Recognize these for what they are: desperate attempts by the Beast to manipulate your thoughts. By doing so, you can effectively disregard its interference and remain true to your values.
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I'm scared to relapse, what should I do?

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Relapse anxiety is a common pitfall many encounter on their NoFap journey. You may be confidently progressing, then suddenly a thought creeps in: "What if I relapse tomorrow?" This thought triggers anxiety, shaking your belief in your commitment.
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From the Rational Recovery standpoint, relapse anxiety is the Beast's deceptive voice trying to manipulate you. It incites fear and uncertainty, making you feel as if relapse is imminent. The Beast attempts to shake your confidence and sense of control. But here's the truth: relapse anxiety is an illusion, a tactic used by the Beast to tighten its grip.
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Combat this by distancing yourself from the Beast and recognizing that relapse anxiety is a deceptive tactic used by the Beast to instill fear and weaken your resolve. Remember, you risk nothing by quitting this addiction; you are safe. Any discomfort you experience stems from the Beast, not you.
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Reiterate your Big Plan: "I will never consume porn or masturbate again." By affirming your decision and distancing yourself from the Beast's influence, you can dispel the anxiety and stay firmly on your path. Remember, you are in control, and you will always stay in control, the fears conjured by the Beast hold no sway over you.
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The Beast's Attack on the Dreamscape

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The Beast's intrusion into your dreams should not be a source of fear. This isn't a situation that requires extensive concern, this is just a sign of the Beast's distress.
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There are generally two types of dreams where the Beast tries to assert its influence. The first type are explicit sex dreams, designed to reignite the desires and cravings associated with your addiction. The second type are dreams where you see yourself relapsing, which can be distressing and seem all too real.
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When your neocortex (the real you) goes to sleep, the Beast sees an opportunity to attack and tries to regain influence over you through these dreams. This is evidence that you are on the right track. Your progress towards your goal of freedom from addiction is causing this panicked response from the Beast.
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Remember, no matter what happens in your dreams, you are in control in reality. These dreams are just dreams, and they do not have the power to make you do anything.
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Understanding 'Blue Balls' and Nocturnal Emissions in Recovery

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Experiencing discomfort or an aching in the testicles, often referred to as 'blue balls,' is something that some individuals might encounter during their decision to quit their porn and masturbation addiction. Similarly, you may also experience nocturnal emissions or 'wet dreams' during your journey to recovery.
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These phenomena aren't signs of harm, danger, or relapse, but rather physical manifestations of your body adjusting to your firm decision to quit the addiction.
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While your body is adapting to a new, healthier state, not reliant on constant sexual stimulation, the Beast might attempt to distort these occurrences into negative experiences. It might tell you that nocturnal emissions are relapses, causing unwarranted fear and anxiety. But remember, you're in control.
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Consider these sensations and events as physical signs of your transformation, a testament to the changes happening within you. It's important to remember that not everyone experiences this, and even if you do, it's not something to be overly concerned about. These adjustments are something you are more than capable of handling. As your body adjusts to your new lifestyle, such events will likely decrease and eventually stop. Don't let the Beast use these natural bodily responses as a scare tactic.
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Gradual Reduction: A Beast's Strategy

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In your journey of breaking free from addiction, you might be tempted to adopt a "gradual reduction" approach - cutting back little by little rather than quitting outright. This strategy, while seemingly logical, is often a ploy from the Beast, setting you up for failure.
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During my own journey, for many months, I was enticed by the concept of gradually reducing my addictive behaviors. The approach felt less abrupt, seemingly offering a smoother transition. Even the Beast within me suggested compromises such as, "Let's start by indulging only in the afternoon," or "How about we limit it to weekends?".However, I discovered through experience that this gradual reduction strategy often creates more problems than it resolves. Let me tell you why.
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Firstly, by not making a clean break, you're continually feeding the addiction, keeping the Beast alive and active. It's akin to trying to put out a fire while still pouring small amounts of gasoline on it - it keeps the flames going, never fully extinguishing the fire.
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Secondly, when you set specific times or days for indulging, you're not freeing your mind from the addiction; instead, you're refocusing it. You find yourself constantly counting down the hours or days until your next 'allowed' session. This fixation lead to a persistent preoccupation with the addiction, turning the process into something torturous and counterproductive.
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Lastly, even on the days where you've decided not to indulge, the Beast is still at work. It doesn't take breaks. It try to convince you to deviate from your plan, asserting things like, "You're going to do it in a couple of days anyway, so why not just do it today? Why wait?" This becomes a recurring battle with the Beast, undermining your resolve.
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The gradual reduction method keeps the addiction in focus, maintains the Beast's influence, and undermines your resolve. It's far more effective to make a clean break and assert your decision to quit outright. Remember, you're not losing anything by quitting - you're freeing yourself from the Beast's control.
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Counting Days

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Why should you spend energy on counting days for an activity you've resolved never to engage in? The Beast excels at setting goals and then weaponizing them against us.
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Here's how the Beast use day counting against you:
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Making a big deal of milestones: The Beast lead you to focus excessively on reaching a certain number of days, weeks, or months. While milestones can be motivational, the Beast use them to create unnecessary stress and pressure, saying things like "What if you don't make it?" or "Imagine how bad it would feel to start over."
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Justifying a lapse: "You've made it 100 days, you deserve a reward!" or "One slip after so many days won't hurt." The Beast use the number of days as an excuse to suggest that it would be "safe" or "earned" to indulge in the addictive behavior.
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Creating a false sense of security: The Beast suggest that after a certain number of days without indulging in the addiction, you're "cured" and could safely return to the behavior without becoming addicted again.
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Undermining early progress: In the initial stages, the Beast belittle the small number of days you've been free from the addiction, making statements like "You've only managed two days, you'll never make it a week."
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Leveraging bad days: If you're having a tough day, the Beast say, "You're miserable even after 30 days clean. See, quitting doesn't make things better. Might as well go back."
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Remember, these are all tricks of the Beast trying to manipulate you into returning to the addictive behavior. The Beast will use anything, including the count of days, to try to get what it wants. The best way to deal with this is to remain steadfast in your decision and continue dissociating from the Beast.
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So, instead of getting trapped in the Beast's game of counting days, surrender this act to it. We can concentrate on the broader scope - liberating ourselves from the Beast's clutches, embracing enduring change, and regaining our freedom. Day counting becomes insignificant because it no longer illustrates our path. Our chosen journey is one where the Beast's urges hold no power, and our authentic liberation takes the limelight. Let the Beast obsess over counting days, while we commit to a life of emancipation and self-discovery.
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Why Punishment Doesn't Work

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Self-punishment is a common response to addiction, yet it often proves ineffective. This can take many forms, from physical discomfort to emotional torment. In my own battle against addiction, I tried various self-punishment strategies. On the physical side, I would resort to self-harm. Emotionally, I burdened myself with negative self-talk, depression, feelings of hopelessness, anger, sadness, and even thoughts of death. It's important to note, however, that these intense feelings of guilt and self-condemnation were amplified by the Beast. The Beast utilizes such negative emotions to paint addiction as the only respite, the only 'good thing' left in life. It is a manipulative trick to keep you chained to the addiction.
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Yet, over time, these painful memories have faded, while the seductive pull of the addictive behavior has remained vivid in my mind. It's a compelling illustration of the human condition: we often forget pain and remember pleasure.
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Consider individuals who struggle with drug addiction. They might end up in a hospital after an overdose, experiencing immense physical pain. But as time passes, the memory of this pain dissipates, while the allure of the drug, the pleasure it brought, remains clear and tempting. This imbalance often leads them back into the cycle of addiction.
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This became evident to me during the last week leading up to my final decision to quit - my Big Plan. It was the most challenging week of my life; I was counting the days until my liberation. Now that I'm free, when I think back to that week, the Beast tries to rewrite the narrative, calling it the "best week of all time!"
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This disparity between the memory of pain and pleasure underscores why self-punishment is an ineffective strategy for long-term addiction recovery. Rational Recovery offers a different approach. Rather than relying on the fleeting memory of pain, it focuses on recognizing and dissociating from the addictive voice—the Beast.
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Arguing with the beast

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Let's clarify something: arguing with the Beast is futile. The Beast is single-minded, craving only the satisfaction of its addiction. Moreover, it's cunning, capable of playing both sides of an argument.
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For instance, the Beast might implant thoughts such as, "You could indulge now, it's not a big deal." Then, to create confusion and feign agreement, it might echo that very idea, saying, "Yes, I could indulge now." It's essential to recognize that both these sentiments are from the Beast. It is a clear demonstration of how it can promote the idea of indulgence while also pretending to be 'you' to create an illusion of consent.
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In the Rational Recovery technique, every thought or feeling associated with the indulgence in the addiction is identified as coming from the Beast, including its attempts to take possession of the pronoun "I".
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You are the decision-maker here, you are in control. Your will is what truly matters, and the Beast must inevitably conform to your decisions.
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Dealing with White-Knuckling and Intense Urges

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Feeling urges, cravings, or hunger sensations is a natural part of the recovery journey. In fact, it's a positive sign, an indication that you are making progress. However, these feelings can turn into white-knuckling when you identify with the Beast's thoughts and feelings. When you start saying things like "I'm so horny" or "I need a relief ASAP," you're identifying with the beast voice. When you find yourself arguing with the Beast or doubting your decision to quit, you're in the grip of white-knuckling.
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In my own journey to recovery, I experienced these urges, cravings, and sensations. But rather than identifying with them and turning them into a struggle, I recognized them as signs of the Beast's distress, not mine. It was the Beast who was desperate and frustrated, not me. This recognition made these moments not just bearable but even satisfying, as they signaled that I was on the right track in my recovery.
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The power of these urges and cravings diminished with my Big Plan, my absolute decision to never indulge in the addictive behavior again. Even if you find yourself in a white-knuckling situation, remember that you can shift your perspective. Recognize that every thought encouraging the addictive behavior is coming from the Beast, and use the Recognition or Shifting techniques to help you dissociate from these thoughts and feelings. After that, reaffirm your Big Plan, stating firmly and clearly, "I will never consume porn or masturbate again." This firm commitment to your Big Plan will dispel all doubt, releasing you from the grip of white-knuckling.
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The Big Plan: Your Commitment to Freedom

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Taking a firm decision is a critical step in overcoming addiction, and this is what making a Big Plan entails. This plan is a complete commitment, devoid of room for negotiation or compromise. When you formulate a Big Plan, you're making a promise to yourself to never indulge in your addiction again, under any circumstances.
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Choosing a specific day for your Big Plan can help add a sense of occasion and finality to your decision. For instance, I personally chose a Sunday at 12am. Your Beast will likely agree to this arrangement, looking forward to a "last hurrah."
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But as you approach your chosen day to initiate your Big Plan, the Beast may start getting anxious. It may whisper, "I can't let this go!" or "Let's postpone the Big Plan, and enjoy this for now!" This is not your voice. It's the voice of the Beast, trying to make you delay your decision and panicking at the impending loss of its control.
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Your declaration for the Big Plan could be: "I will never consume porn or masturbate again." This phrase embodies the essence of the Big Plan — a firm, unyielding decision that signifies your commitment to stay addiction-free.
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In your journey to overcome addiction, the video I am about to share will be invaluable. It features Jack Trimpey, the founder of Rational Recovery, directly guiding you through the process of making a Big Plan. Although Trimpey focuses on alcohol and drug addiction in the video, his guidance applies to any addiction, including pornography and masturbation. Carefully absorb his words, understanding their relevance to your personal struggle.
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watch this video, skip to 33:39 for the Big Plan section: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_n2YH8RLd_4&list=PLazOJVze5_z3BdcDSF3uPtN8Vu9VDqVJl&index=3where

Conclusion

I've spent a month compiling my experiences and sharing the tools that aided me on my journey. You are free to ask questions while I'm around, but please note that I'm not a regular Reddit user and won't be able to answer indefinitely. For those interested in Rational Recovery, all the information you need is in the "Useful Resources" section. If you found this post helpful, please consider upvoting or sharing it with friends who might benefit from it. Always remember to dissociate from the Beast and stand firm in your Big Plan. Holding unwavering trust in your decision is the key to defeating the Beast. May you embrace your journey to freedom and experience the liberation you've been longing for. Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

Useful Resources

Rational Recovery Book : https://www.amazon.fRational-Recovery-Cure-Substance-Addiction/dp/0671528580/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=rational+recovery&sr=8-1
AVRT Demonstration (AVRT Live Vol 1-5) : https://www.youtube.com/@DeborahSpringborn/videos