Marty schwartz guitar lessons

Hi Everyone,
I am relearning the guitar and this time I want it to be efficient and correct. To give some background, I'm playing guitar for couple of years now and I learn songs that I want to play (mostly fingerstyle). Right now I hit the wall and it becomes boring, while I'm watching people improvise from a backing track thats where I started to feel inspired again. That's what I want to be with in the near future, to be able to understand music and guitar and be able to play in like improv.
Now I'm starting from the start like basics but I wan't to be more efficient regarding the topics I should learn everyday and practice. It's quite hard to be efficient because some lessons are kinda noodling because there are so many vids or lessons on the net(if you know what I mean).
I decided to start on scales and modes (particularly minor scale and its derivatives). I'm also thinking on reading all the jargons or terms first then go to music theory I guess.
Any suggestions ?
Thanks !

undefined guitar tabs download as Guitar Pro and PDF on: https://paidtabs.com/search/Ov6EFowJ6uU
Click here for a free preview of the score (first page)
Credit: this score was transcribed/uploaded by @Maitaguitar
If you cannot find the score, it might be because of a copyright issue. Click on "Request" button at PaidTabs.com to request and get the score.

Demographics
Gender: Non-Binary (May submit as male b/c not currently out as n-b)
Race: White
Lower Middle-Class (Parents separated: Father makes $60,000, Mother is unemployed due to disability)
LGBTQ+
Autistic
High School: Average performing, but in a poor neighborhood in a poor, rural town)
Residency: Illinois
Academics
UW GPA: 3.98
W GPA: 4.6
Rigor: 7 APs (3 in junior year, planning to take 4 in senior year), 7 Honors (1 Freshman, 3 sophomore, 1 Junior, 2 Senior)
SAT: 1370 (RBRW: 700, Math: 670)
Intended Major: Psychology
Extracurriculars
Gay-Straight Alliance for about a year, science research club for 2 years (Started in Junior year, plan to continued), Writing Club 2 years (published a personal narrative essay about my experiences of being autistic in the school magazine), Foreign Language Club 2 years, Guitar Lessons for 2 years, plan to at least get around 40 hours of volunteer hours by the time of writing applications and work experience.
Awards:
3-Semester High Scholarship Sophomore (Maintaining a GPA of at least 3.5 for 3 semesters)
5-Semester High Scholarship Junior (Maintaining a GPA of at least 3.5 for 5 semesters)
LOR:
I have already asked my AP Lang teacher for a LOR, and I believe that she will be able to write a strong recommendation (she has said before that I demonstrate leadership skills)
Essays:
I have not began to write any essays, but English is one of my strongest subjects, so I feel fairly confident in my ability to write a suitable essay for my applications.
Schools I'm looking to apply at:

• University of Wisconsin - Madison
• UIUC
• Purdue
• Loyola University Chicago
• Illinois Wesleyan University
• Northwestern University

​
Also please suggest any schools I may want to consider applying to :) thx!

Hey all,
If you’ve ever wanted to learn how to play the guitar, or you feel like your skills have hit a wall, I’ve been running an online guitar teaching business since the beginning of the year, and it’s been awesome connecting with students around the globe and seeing them progress.
Why take lessons with me?
I’ve been playing for 16 years, have a degree in music, and have lots of live show experience and knowledge of music theory and technique. But it’s better to watch me play! Watch me play here
You can also watch me TEACH! And read STUDENT TESTIMONIALS: https://www.aidanhalm.com/lessons
How does it work?
We’ll meet up on google meets. I’ll send you the link via email, and start the lesson. At the end of the lesson, you’ll receive an email from me with custom tabs, exercises, and more things to work on for the week, that way you know what to practice and focus on. The weekly cost is $30! And it’s a 45 minute lesson.
You’ll also get my phone number to text me any questions on the fly, or send me videos of you playing for any quick practice suggestions.
I currently also have a little secret promo: If you sign up for one month, I’ll give you my Music Theory Level 1 Course for FREE! Im only doing this for the next few students who sign up, but it’s a $97 value that I want to give to my students to ensure you’re getting taken care of. https://www.aidanhalm.com/courses
Not sure?
I offer a FREE trial lesson if you’re unsure. You can message me here or through my website and I will access you on your playing and what needs improvement. No strings attached.

I'm an adult learner (30+) teaching myself on acoustic guitar. In my teen years I took piano lessons that were more structured. I learned different songs from different genres to become more well-rounded and learn different techniques/genres I guess. As an adult teaching myself guitar its been a very different experience.
I'm curious what people think. Is it better to focus on one song to near completion, or on several different songs? Do you have a practice regimen with chords, scales, and songs? I know it's more about the journey than the destination, and it's the quality of the practice that matters, but I just want to maximize the benefit from the time I spend playing because I really do enjoy it.

Im 16 and started guitar around 7 months ago. I started off running and super motivated. I’d play for like 3 hours a day. But idk what happened, I’ve grown bored I think.
I really wanna learn to play but i feel like I’m a very goal oriented person but me and my teacher haven’t really set any goals. And I don’t see myself progressing either. Idk what goals to set or try and work towards.
My lesson is tomorrow and today is the first time this week that I’ve picked up my guitar.
I feel like maybe it just a base difference between what I’m learning and what I wanna play?
I’m learning to play guitar the classical way with a large focus on sheet music. I want to just play rock and learn to improvise.
Maybe that’s my issue? I am so confused. I feel like maybe I just need to have more trust in my teacher?
I am unsure. Maybe I am just lazy. I just feel bored and unsure if I will ever be able to play how or what I want to be able to play

I would say I am intermediate hobbyist bassist with the interest to take lessons and grow.
That being said, I had a beautiful bass that I loved to play and felt and sounded amazing to me.
It was a Fender player series jaguar bass with flatwounds. I played mostly the P pup and I loved the feel and sound. Unfortunately that guitar was involved in an accident with which I don't care to discuss the details. Getting it repaired is an option, but getting a new one is a more immediate and guaranteed one, so I have been shopping around.
I tried a mid range musicman bass, but the neck was driving me crazy and I'm not sure if I want or need one with just the bridge pickups or one with both neck and bridge pickups.
SO I went shopping online. Two basses caught my eye, with p or pj config.
One was the Sire Marcus Miller P5 (4 string). Looks good, not sure how the sound would compare to the pickups from my jag though.
The other one was a Charvel Pro-mod san dimas PJ IV. It's an active bass which I have never played with, and I heard that playing it in its passive mode is lackluster.
Unfortunately, the Charvel is the only one I can visit a shop near me to actually play, so I am looking for a little advice. I am planning on test driving the Charvel, but the Sire has me more interested. Looking for any info from anyone with experience with either.
I am also considering just getting a squire or MIM P-bass, but I figured if I am going to get a new bass, and possibly repair my jag, I'd try something from a different manufacturer. Just want to hear some thoughts.

Background: I am a mostly self-taught, very sporadic piano learner. I started in high school, trying to teach myself a few classical pieces and also some pop songs I liked. Then I sort of abandoned the instrument and taught myself guitar, though I still fumbled around on the keys here and there in a band for a few years. I have an ear for music from improvising in bands. I don't know much music theory, only a few chords and scales (moreso on guitar than on piano), and I can sight read treble clef on piano pretty easily from playing clarinet for years as a kid. I took one lesson last summer from a teacher who uses a classical approach and she sent me on a mission to learn Petzold: Minuet in G major and Burgmuller: Arabesque, along with Avril 14 by Aphex Twin. I went on to learn them all and enjoyed every second of it, but never made it back for another lesson just because of logistical reasons.
Question: For someone like me, who enjoys and is motivated to learn classical music but also needs to fill in some gaps with general music knowledge, is the Berklee Keyboard Method a good fit? I get the impression that this is approach is way different from classical instruction. It seems like it might be geared towards using the piano in a different way that I am very much open to (interpreting lead sheets, improvising, pop songs), but don't want to abandon my dreams of playing some of my favorite classical pieces. On the flip side, it seems like classical piano lessons (as in, the time spent with the teacher) are mostly comprised of getting valuable feedback on technique after practicing pieces on your own in the interim, and there isn't much time for direct instruction regarding other fundamentals of the piano. Are there benefits to one approach over the other?

Would love to move the Big Sky, try your trades! Interested in adding cash for stuff on the want list.
WTT:

• Strymon Big Sky (Only interested in trades for a Flint V2+ cash. The Value knob doesn't stay on the encoder shaft, a replacement knob will solve the problem. Otherwise excellent condition, has box/power supply/goodies) - $375
• Hilton Volume Pedal (The best volume pedal money can buy, the standard for pedal steel players. Excellent condition, has power supply, no box. Will be picky on this one) - $300
• Suhr Jackrabbit Tremolo (One of the best sounding/versatile trems around. Excellent condition, has box/goodies) - $150
• TC Electronic Hypergravity Mini Compressor (Possibly the most flexible mini-sized compressor through its Toneprint options, the Hypergravity has options for both classic and multi-band compression. Excellent condition, no box) - $70
• EHX Slapback Echo Mini (Great sounding no-nonsense delay that will fit on any board. Use it on isolated power. Excellent condition, has box and all the goodies.) - $65

Other Stuff:

• DPA 2028 Handheld Condenser Microphone (Wired) (Rolls Royce of vocal mics, perfect for live sound, the studio, podcasting. Also great on guitar cabs, snares. Excellent condition with case.) - $475
• MIJ 70's Aspen A-18-O Martin Dreadnought Copy (Lawsuit era acoustic in need of some TLC. High action/bridge starting to lift, NYC deals preferred) - $150
• Puerto Rican Cuatro (Gorgeous instrument in need of some TLC. High but not unplayable action, the bridge is beginning to lift (common issue due to the high tension put on the strings). Aside from this, all looks structurally sound, with no body cracks/splitting. One broken string, has case) - $100
• Boss BCB-30 Pedalboard (Very good condition, some velcro attached) - $45
• Full Licence to the DAW Reason 11 (Full license, Can be run as a plugin in other DAWs without Rewire! Tons of great sounds) - $300
• Full Licence to the DAW Digital Performer 9 - $100
• Nike AF1 High '07 Midnight Navy/Silver Metallic 2012 M 10.5 (Excellent condition for the age, look unworn. Some yellowing on outsoles) - $100
• Brand New D'Addario African Weave Woven and Black Checkerboard Autolock Straps - $20 each
• Music Lessons! (GuitaBass/Improvisation/Composition/Music Production. Berklee grad, guitar chair on an Off-Broadway musical, and active teacher with a 20+ student roster.) - $80/hour

WTTF (General order of preference)

• Flint V2
• Dunlop mini volume/expression pedal
• Rotary (Lex v2, Vent, etc)
• Boss OC-5, CE-2w, VB-2w, HM-2w, BD-2w, SY-1, VO-1, SL-2
• JHS Colour Box, Muffuletta, Kilt, Bonsai, Cheeseball
• Drybell Vibe Machine
• Keeley Red Dirt
• EQ (Source Audio, XTS GE-7, etc)
• Z Vex/Meris/Red Panda v2/EAE
• MD421/SM7b/RE-20/SM57 mics
• Apollo, Symphony Desktop, Clarett+ 4pre or similar interface
• Small combo/vintage vibed amps (e.g. Princeton, Henriksen) if you're in the NYC area
• MIJ Gretsch

Would love to move the Big Sky, try your trades! Interested in adding cash for stuff on the want list.
WTT:

• Strymon Big Sky (Only interested in trades for a Flint V2+ cash. The Value knob doesn't stay on the encoder shaft, a replacement knob will solve the problem. Otherwise excellent condition, has box/power supply/goodies) - $375
• Hilton Volume Pedal (The best volume pedal money can buy, the standard for pedal steel players. Excellent condition, has power supply, no box. Will be picky on this one) - $300
• Suhr Jackrabbit Tremolo (One of the best sounding/versatile trems around. Excellent condition, has box/goodies) - $150
• TC Electronic Hypergravity Mini Compressor (Possibly the most flexible mini-sized compressor through its Toneprint options, the Hypergravity has options for both classic and multi-band compression. Excellent condition, no box) - $70
• EHX Slapback Echo Mini (Great sounding no-nonsense delay that will fit on any board. Use it on isolated power. Excellent condition, has box and all the goodies.) - $65

Other Stuff:

• DPA 2028 Handheld Condenser Microphone (Wired) (Rolls Royce of vocal mics, perfect for live sound, the studio, podcasting. Also great on guitar cabs, snares. Excellent condition with case.) - $475
• MIJ 70's Aspen A-18-O Martin Dreadnought Copy (Lawsuit era acoustic in need of some TLC. High action/bridge starting to lift, NYC deals preferred) - $150
• Puerto Rican Cuatro (Gorgeous instrument in need of some TLC. High but not unplayable action, the bridge is beginning to lift (common issue due to the high tension put on the strings). Aside from this, all looks structurally sound, with no body cracks/splitting. One broken string, has case) - $100
• Boss BCB-30 Pedalboard (Very good condition, some velcro attached) - $45
• Full Licence to the DAW Reason 11 (Full license, Can be run as a plugin in other DAWs without Rewire! Tons of great sounds) - $300
• Full Licence to the DAW Digital Performer 9 - $100
• Nike AF1 High '07 Midnight Navy/Silver Metallic 2012 M 10.5 (Excellent condition for the age, look unworn. Some yellowing on outsoles) - $100
• Brand New D'Addario African Weave Woven and Black Checkerboard Autolock Straps - $20 each
• Music Lessons! (GuitaBass/Improvisation/Composition/Music Production. Berklee grad, guitar chair on an Off-Broadway musical, and active teacher with a 20+ student roster.) - $80/hour

WTTF (General order of preference)

• Flint V2
• Dunlop mini volume/expression pedal
• Rotary (Lex v2, Vent, etc)
• Boss OC-5, CE-2w, VB-2w, HM-2w, BD-2w, SY-1, VO-1, SL-2
• JHS Colour Box, Muffuletta, Kilt, Bonsai, Cheeseball
• Drybell Vibe Machine
• Keeley Red Dirt
• EQ (Source Audio, XTS GE-7, etc)
• Z Vex/Meris/Red Panda v2/EAE
• MD421/SM7b/RE-20/SM57 mics
• Apollo, Symphony Desktop, Clarett+ 4pre or similar interface
• Small combo/vintage vibed amps (e.g. Princeton, Henriksen) if you're in the NYC area
• MIJ Gretsch

Apple Logic Pro for iPad - Tutorial 7: The Piano Roll Editor
https://apps.apple.com/gb/app/logic-pro-for-ipad/id1615087040
Apple - Logic Pro https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLirh7S2cI3fjxWF7YkPUnl4yj_3tfj5hz
Logic Pro for iPad is a professional music creation app that puts the power of Logic at your fingertips. Logic Pro features a complete collection of sophisticated creative tools for professional songwriting, beat making, editing and mixing - all with an interface that's been designed from the ground up for iPad. Use Multi-Touch in Logic Pro to play powerful software instruments with the tap of a finger and interact naturally with intuitive controls. Creative production tools - including the new Sample Alchemy and Beat Breaker plug-ins - make it easy to quickly make beats and explore new sonic territories, and a full-featured mixer gives you everything you need to create a professional-sounding mix entirely on iPad.
Creative interface optimised for iPad
• Play powerful software instruments and interact expressively using Multi-Touch • Quickly shape and tweak your sound using Plug-in Tiles • Fine-tune MIDI and audio using intuitive Multi-Touch editors • Discover powerful features and strengthen your skills with integrated guided Lessons • Roundtrip capabilities let you open projects in Logic Pro for Mac or Logic Pro for iPad* • Connect any Bluetooth keyboard to access powerful key commands • Create precision edits and detailed track automation with Apple Pencil
All-new Browser
• Quickly access all Logic Pro sounds from a single location • Easily discover inspiring sounds with a predictive filtering system • Use the Sound Library to access an expanding collection of free sound packs
Professional Instrument and Effects Plug-ins
• Create music with a massive collection of powerful software instruments • Shape your sound using high-quality effects • Build your own guitar or bass rig with Amp Designer • Expand your instrument and effects library with third-party Audio Units**
Beat Making and Production Tools
• Radically reshape and reshuffle audio with Beat Breaker, a new sophisticated time and pitch morphing instrument • Use Sample Alchemy to transform audio into entirely new malleable sounds • Chop or loop any sample into a playable instrument using Quick Sampler • Build and play custom drum kits using samples and plug-ins with Drum Machine Designer • Create drum beats, bass lines and melodic parts using Step Sequencer • Use Live Loops to capture inspiration and quickly build arrangements by mixing and matching loops, samples and your recordings • Create authentic acoustic, electronic or hip-hop drum tracks using Drummer, a virtual session player and beat producer • Record external instruments or microphones by connecting an audio interface or MIDI device***
Full Featured Pro Mixer
• Shape a mix using channel strips with volume faders, pan controls, plug-ins, sends and precision automation • Mix naturally with Multi-Touch by moving multiple faders at once • Use the meter bridge to navigate an overview of all track levels • Create Track Stacks to organise and simplify mixing large projects
Massive Library of Sounds
• Over 6,300 samples of drums, vocals and sound effects • Over 4,800 instrument and effects patches • More than 9,000 loops in a wide range of styles * requires Logic Pro 10.7.8 or higher and macOS Monterey 12.3 or higher ** Requires compatible third-party Audio Unit Extensions apps from the App Store *** Logic Pro for iPad supports any class-compliant audio interface or MIDI device
This video contains the following product demonstration:

• How to create a midi track and a midi region
• How to open the piano roll editor
• How to use the pencil and brush tools
• How to select notes and many different ways
• How to customise the playhead behaviour against scrolling
• How to delete notes
• How to copy notes
• How to select multiple notes
• How to transpose notes
• How to remove overlaps
• Etc.

I hope you enjoy the demo / Tutorial and find it useful.
Do not forget to subscribe.
https://youtu.be/P5DtXRWG4a8

I mostly self taught myself guitar, and just started in person monthly lessons back in December.
Today I learned “middle c” is first fret b string and I’ve been reading completely wrong. I’ve always played an octave (lower?) -3rd fret A string or 8th fret e string.
Would have never known to learn about that. Also I’m now thoroughly confused 🫤

I left a long-term friendship with someone I considered my best friend for nearly 10 years today. But now, I don't know how I feel cutting her off like this, I'm just in a really weird limbo, but it feels like a constant buzzing stopped in my head as soon as I did it; I don't feel so anxious or heavy anymore. This was the hardest lesson I've learned but I'm so happy I no longer feel like I'm going in circles anymore. I'm sorry for how long this is. I'm also sorry for any errors, I haven't slept before writing this.
(A little context) After high school, we separated for nearly 2-3 years around the time we graduated and went to college. We both found different friend groups and just drifted a part as we were always involved with different clubs, sports, etc. We came back to each other after our 1st year in college and it was as if we never stopped talking. We called eachother all the time, we motivated each other in our classes, talked about the things we went through which both of us faced similar trauma in our relationships when we were a part so we were always there for each other for that, having heart to hearts, talking about our dreams and how we wanted to continue our lives. She uplifted me, showed up for me, and we were able to handle issues with each other fairly well.
The issues mainly happened when I changed my name (it was my grandmother's choice and I wanted to have something symbolic for myself) she refused to call me by it even though I told her it was formally used in university, all my other friends called me it, etc., just because she knew me for so long and felt that it would be too difficult to switch over (even though another mutual friend who knew me just as long called me by my preferred name). She would no longer let me play music in her car as the songs she said she liked, she suddenly didn't like. When I chose to change my major to creative writing and art, she told me I'd never make enough to support myself, that I wouldn't be able to go to grad school outside of the U.S. as my future career wouldn't allow me to afford flights to see my family. She would tell me that I was incapable of understanding her major (accounting) and when I asked for help on hw questions for stats, she'd talk to me if I was a child, talking over me when I tried asking questions. When I got my poems published she briefly congratulated me on a phone call which then turned into a 3 hour discussion about herself.
The biggest red flag that stuck out to me was how long I'd sit on the phone listening to her talk about herself--she vented all the time about her problems with coworkers, she'd talk about how she'd refuse to help anyone in the class because she was smarter then them and that they always asked dumb questions, and then she started only talking about her accomplishments, how great her grades were, how quick she finished exams, how she's going to make so much money, and so on. Her mom started to get involved as well and any chance that she got to tell me that I wouldn't do anything sustainable with my majors or wouldn't make enough, she did while my friend laughed or stayed silent on the phone. She'd take those personality quizzes online and report back to me that she scored high for sociopathy and "bragged" about it.
I realized that she'd only ask me questions about myself as an opportunity to talk about herself if the conversation went quiet. She struggled to give me any sincere compliments and most of them ended with "but." However, she was there when I needed someone, and those times were the only time attention would be given to me, but then she'd eventually share all the sensitive private things I shared with her family, her new friends, and mutuals without asking. Every single future plan she had involved me somewhere being with her, if she wanted to go to law school, I suddenly wanted to go. If she wanted to live in Washington, we would be in the same house. And then, pieces of my identity, my style, interests, and hobbies were becoming replicated. She'd start to embarrass me in front of our mutuals, bringing up the darkest, lowest parts of my life as a joke, such as "Do you remember when that happened?" and the conversation would always grow awkward. When a new friend (a mutual's new girlfriend) joined the group and all we hung out together, she kept talking about how our mutual and I had a fling (3 years ago), but of course camoflauging it with humor.
She'd switch up, always. In our friend groups she'd turn into this sickly sweet person, paying for everyone's dinner, and with out mutual and his girlfriend, she'd latch onto her, saying how much she loved her and that'd she (jokingly) steal her from him. Sure she'd do nice things when it was just us like paying for dinner, but outside of that? I never experienced how she was with others.
The weirdest thing she did was when she'd pretend that the figure's hands/feet I drew from in my class were hers to a guy (her family friend) who I was talking to. If he complimented them, she'd message them saying that he was basically complimenting her, and when I confronted her about it, she would say, "I know it's not mine, I just want to be humbled." He would stand up for me usually, saying how he loved my artwork, but she'd never say anything to me about my drawings. The only one she "complimented" she ended up focusing on how it wasn't proportional.
The most recent thing is that she started to "psychoanalyze" me, projecting a whole bunch of negative assumptions about my behavior that weren't true and that I knew weren't true as I was working closely with a therapist during this time (which she knew about) and was starting to better myself, change old habits, etc. Wanting to pick up the guitar meant that I was evading all the problems in my life. Telling her that I was no longer interested in a guy, meant that I idealized him and that she was right about it. But if i tried to give her advice when she was upset? I was projecting onto her, and she'd never try to hear me out, just talk over me and tell me to calm down. She started to mess with my memory of events and her behavior, convincing me that I said something I didn't, changing up narratives, etc.
I know I can be outspoken when I need to be. I've had to stand up for myself many times, but I still struggle with setting boundaries with people I love or people I've known for a long time. I was also scared to lose her because I left a previous friend group that was no longer good for me, and I was like, oh god, I'm going to be all alone now. Most importantly, losing her meant that this was real, that what I thought was okay, was the complete opposite, and I didn't want to view my friend in that light as she faced a lot of trauma too, but I was losing myself so quickly, losing interest in all the things I loved, dimming myself down, dreaming smaller, becoming smaller. I knew it wasn't worth it to stay as my mental health was spiraling. I've lost myself before and I didn't want to ever go there again.
I got fed up with feeling so anxious around her, not knowing the type of friend I'd get. Would I be treated like a punching bag one day, a therapist the next, an expected, devoted, #1 fan in the middle, or would I get lucky, and she'd treat me like a human being for a night? It was such a vicious cycle, and I thought I was crazy or being overdramatic. I was scared to confront her about it because she's reactive and hostile when confronted or she'd end up icing me out. While handling issues at home and in my personal life, I just didn't have the energy to say anything when I knew what the outcome would most likely be. I am still mad at myself for handing my power over like that even though I know it wasn't that simple.
I started to do research, and one article led to the next, and I then started to see our past 2 years of friendship in every red flag of narcissism I read. Past conversations would replay, all what I was feeling was becoming validated, and I realized that I was becoming less and less me, I was just becoming a hollowed-out vessel of what I used to be. I didn't want to label her as a full blown narc and yes, maybe I can't be for sure, but I knew that there were qualities about her that just made everything make sense. It was like the whisper I had inside was growing louder, sort of like saying, "See? I told you so."
I slowly started to distance myself but her phone calls grew incessant, she'd start to become sweet, attentive, and kind, and of course, I eventually started to give in to answering. I'd try to limit what I said to her, attempted to grey rock, and it started to work, but I was still losing myself and my identity. I wanted to be able to be myself, share about the things I was working on, the highlights of my day...it sucked, I just wanted a friend, a real friend. We spent nearly ten years together, became adults together, had our first heartbreaks together, got through the most turbulent events together, but I knew I had to stand up on my two feet, hold my hand, and get out of this.
I kept researching, watching videos and started to get the confidence to leave, placing more accountability on her instead of empathizing so much for her that I was abandoning myself. I just kept telling myself, "You've stood up for yourself before, you can do it again."
So I wrote her a long letter that took me a few days to complete. I explained my feelings, gave examples of her behavior, listed my priorities and expectations and told her that I wasn't going to expend energy into telling her that putting me down, not supporting me, and revealing my private info on a whim, was something I wasn't going to teach her how not to do, that we've been friends this long and I expected more from her. I did show her some love for the things I admired about her but ended the letter with the notice that I wouldn't be contributing to the friendship anymore and that I was going to come first.
I felt guilty since there wasn't a "hint" about me ending the friendship other than making up excuses to avoid hanging out, not answering the phone, or only talking for a few minutes as opposed to 3-4 hours, etc., I still felt like maybe I should have talked to her first, that maybe she truly is unaware, and maybe that's true, but still, I may have messed up throughout our friendship, said the wrong thing, did the wrong thing, acted impulsively, and took parts of our friendship for granted, I didn't dedicate my time in doing what she did to me. I put my effort in changing so I wouldn't repeat my behavior so we could continue our friendship. I don't know, regardless, I know that this was a lesson for me to learn how to communicate sooner and actively set boundaries rather than waiting until the last minute--I have a lot to work on but this was a wake-up call. Once I made up my mind that this was something I didn't want to fix and that I felt more comfortable with saying what I needed, I knew that this was the best option.
So, I sent her the letter today, blocked her on everything, Spotify included, blocked our mutuals which they're moving out of state in two months anyways, ate a croissant, and now I'm here, writing all of this out.
At first I felt so guilty, anxious, and it broke my heart when I realized that she wasn't who I thought she was, that she could never be the person I wanted. She told me she had abandonment issues once and I felt like I was abandoning her ruthlessly, but I felt that she "abandoned" me by not treating me like a person anymore. I love and care for her, but was she truly a best friend? I'm starting to believe that she wasn't and that maybe at one point she was, but I know who we were in high school and when we first came back together is long gone now.
I'm sorry for this being a novel, I had a lot to get out of my system. Now that its been a few hours since I've sent the letter, It feels nice, I'm still sad and guilty over it, but it feels like theres a vacancy, not a bad one, but one that I can actually breathe in, an oxygen bubble, an open-floor plan instead of feeling like I was in a blank, cramped room with no door.
I really only have my mom now, but she's happy that I left and I'm greatful that I have her. I feel hopeful for once, that I can open myself up to new people without feeling like I was completely occupied, that I now have the energy to do so, and that she isn't the last person on Earth, I'll find others who I can share myself with and build a friendship with that will support and uplift me--I'll find the reciprocity that I've been aching for.
I still love her and I do wish the best for her and I wish I could have been by her side to see us grow together, but it has to be like this and I know its not only what's best, it's necessary if I want to do the things I want to do. Got to keep walking.