EM had basically three ways of dealing with conflict: caving in, screaming, or passive-aggressive games. Getting over her wasn't just a matter of emotional healing, it was also a mystifying quest to figure out how normal adults navigate difficult conversations.
Although the focus of this channel has more with how to deflect workplace abusers than abusive family and flying monkeys, it's a good education in conflict management that fills in life skills abusive families fail to teach.
For instance, How to Respond When Someone Takes You Off Guard: Don't Fall Victim Again!
The example from this video deals with a colleague who tries to throw someone under the bus during a video conference. The basic strategy for the response can apply to many other life situations though: someone ambushes a topic and tries to put you on the spot, so the strategy for responding is narrate the scene. As in, "So this is what you think is appropriate? You choose [describe the setting, set forth the actual facts in the process] to raise this for the first time."

"You think, 'I can't believe you just said that. How am I supposed to think of something on the spot to say to you when that is so outrageous what you just said?'"

The insight from the video is manipulative people don't like it when anyone spells out their tactics. It isn't sinking to the manipulator's level to narrate the scene.
My EM is a hopeless case; there's no formula that would demotivate her (she doesn't stop games, she just changes tactics). Yet versions of narrate the scene have worked in other life encounters. It's useful to think of this consciously as a response tactic for other contexts because there have been times when I've had a 'deer in the headlights' expression that other people mistook for a tacit confession to completely false accusations.
If you've dealt with similar challenges then this should be a useful resource.

This is a long post, and I apologize and thank you for your time. But it's about my father, so I hope you understand why it's a lot.
My dad has become a very hate and disgust focused person. He loves to focus on those things. Where other Christians in my family focus on charity, family, hope, neighborly unity, etc. he will go on an hour-long yelling rant about how we are all "slaves of God made of dirt" and similar things, and won't allow anyone to interrupt him.
For him, it seems that what he gets out of his relationship with god is actually only negative emotions. I have never heard him express anything good that he feels other than superiority over people that he thinks and perhaps hopes will burn in hell.
He is cruel to the homeless, he mocks them and yells at and about them. I finally decided to post this because of an incident yesterday where a man with a bleeding missing finger and obvious Alzheimer's was on the recieving end.
He is arrogant about his abilities and rude about his coworkers. He doesn't put himself in anyones' shoes - he always tries to find some way that people are failing, or unvirtuous, etc. Instead of being charitable it seems that every time I bring up a perspective in which he could cut someone slack he has a thousand arguments against it.
Sometimes he goes on long rants with spittle flying about apocalypses and humans being like rats and beasts and just...absolute mad rambling for up to 30 minutes until he is red in the face, while everyone stares in horror. Talking about how humans are lucky not to be, like...whipped or burned and have permission to live and stuff like that. How we don't have permission to ask for happiness or just...just the most disgusting things, it's so confusing by it's nature and the list is very long.
My mother is horrified and shocked at who he has become. We don't even know who this person is. For a while we wondered if it was mental illness and watched closely, but it seems to be just...him. And it happened slowly and yet somehow also all at once, if that makes sense.
Somewhere in there is a person who loves kitten videos and listens to Michael W. Smith. For those of you who are familiar, not exactly fire and brimstone messaging! Somewhere in there is a guy who falls asleep listening to Adele ballads. Hes a guy who would do anything for his wife. He doesn't like violent television and likes British dramas. My dad isn't a crazy psycho, so what is going on?
I really want to help him get back to who I think he could be. Closer to christ. I am not Christian anymore, but my mom is and the rest of our family is. And I can't change that I grew up with "love thy neighbor" as a core moral tenet, no matter what my religious beliefs later came to be. Seeing him reject that so profoundly is deeply unsettling.
With his schedule, in-person church services isn't in the cards. Community integration was my first thought but his isolation is real. The guy's job is hectic as all hell and mom and I have been trying to do this on our own.
Any experiences and advice you could share about bringing people back from this kind of cliff would be appreciated. Thank you for your time.

I am feeling really angry currently and just really flabbergasted at the amount of GYNOs that let us down in regards to Endo and PCOS. I suspected endo for quite some time considering how horrific my periods have always been. I was lucky in the sense that the GYNO who first diagnosed my endo, did so rather quickly after he heard me say that my symptoms really exploded after removing my mirena.
Unfortunately he was just a general GYNO and did an ablation(before I was aware of Nancy's nook and excision) and informed me that my ovaries were stuck together and he could not separate them without compromising them. I do thank him for that. Prior to this surgery though I had seen multiple APRN's in his GYNO office where I expressed my concern about certain symptoms that fell in line with PCOS. But because my damn insulin levels and hormone panels would come back normal, they dismissed it. Everyone pushes things like lupron, myfembree and other GnRH antagonists. They offer us band-aids to cover a nicked artery. I refused these each and every time. My most recent GYNO was so very understanding of my reluctance and was supportive of my upcoming consult with Dr. Yeung.
Fast forward to literally 3 weeks ago when I had my wonderful consult with Dr. Yeung in MO who is a nook excision doc, I was finally told that yes, without a doubt, I have PCOS. I knew I had it and it often goes hand in hand with endo. To feel that validation is beyond relieving but also frustrating. I was passed along so many times because labs were always normal. Before seeing my GYNO that also diagnosed the endo, these same other GYNO professionals said not one word about possible endo DESPITE my symptoms. They were also women practitioners.
I know its an unfair assumption, but I feel that a female practitioner should be more aware of these issues that we go through and how often we get dismissed or told to deal with it or that it's "normal." They help perpetuate the ignorance and dismissal of female reproductive pain/ health.
Dr. Yeung has since started me on metformin to help treat the PCOS. I also have my excision surgery scheduled for June with him. I am hoping against all hope this will be my final surgery. It will be the 3rd. My most recent was a laparotomy/ cystectomy to remove an endometrioma with a general GYNO that I had done out of desperation. It has been a rough recovery. I am thankful to have Dr. Yeung in my corner and I wish beyond anything that all GYNO's were as invested in women's health, especially with something that affects so many women and it's so common and so debilitating, as he and many other excision specialists are. I often think "wow, I could have had some help with the PCOS years ago."
I know I can't dwell so much on it as it cannot be changed and I am thankful for the help I am getting now. But I know I am not alone in this fight, I am not alone in the frustrations and sadness and pain. I am not alone with the infertility and surgical scars and feeling abnormal. Some days I don't even feel like a real woman. Some days I feel strong for some of the bullshit that I have endured for so long and others I just feel self-pity. Basically, I just came here to vent and find support in my fellow endo-warriors.

I've worked at a restaurant as a cook for 2 and a half years. Due to stress at work (minor micromanagement and constant/daily "jokes" or "trolls"), hours being cut and major schedule blunders, job security and stunted growth I feel it is time to move on.
The problem is despite those gripes listed above, I actually like the place and the people and am going to be sad to leave. I want give a good reason as to why I am leaving and let them down easy so to speak.
Management is fine but didn't my hours pretty hard this week so I'm thinking that is a fine reason to go with. As long as I don't completely throw management under the bus I should be fine.
I'd like a second reason at least though and I'm thinking of going with job security but that one doesn't hold up as well as the first. Do you have any ideas for me?

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Slasher films also have a great deal of appeal for those who enjoy watching horror or thriller movies. The American slasher movie "Scream VI", which will be released soon, is directed by Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett and written by James Vanderbilt and Guy Busick. This film features a large cast of characters created primarily by Kevin Williamson. Produced by Paul Neinstein, James Vanderbilt, and William Sherak. The sixth film in the Scream film franchise will be this one.
An intriguing look at the sixth sequel of the self-aware slasher series is already there in the first Scream 6 trailer. Though it is the 6th installment of this movie series, this one will be the direct sequel to the previous film, “Scream V." So, the characters are coping with what they had to experience in the last film. It plays a major role in this one. It significantly develops this storyline.
This upcoming sequel is grabbing attention for a variety of reasons, including legacy sequels, moving the franchise to New York City, the returns of Courteney Cox's Gail Weathers and Hayden Panettiere's Kirby, as well as Neve Campbell's absence, who won't be playing Sidney Prescott in the new movie.
It is claimed that despite Neve Campbell's absence from the upcoming movie, the script still makes references to the Sidney character and is "protective" of her. Radio Silence made a comment about Campbell's absence in December 2022 and said that it "greatly" influenced the writing. They made the choice to take advantage of the change to put greater emphasis on the other characters. They also expressed their admiration for Campbell and the Sidney character, mentioning the possibility of her reappearance in later episodes.
When Does the Scream 6 Movie Come Out?
On March 31, 2023, Scream VI was initially scheduled for release in the US. Interestingly, Paramount Pictures is making fans happy. The newest installment of the Scream franchise will now make its premiere three weeks earlier than anticipated on March 10th. RealD 3D, 4DX, and Dolby Cinema versions of the movie are anticipated for release.
When Will Scream VI Be Available for Streaming?
If you want to watch Scream VI from the comfort of your couch, you’ll have to wait a bit longer for the digital release. Hopefully not too much though if history repeats itself! The previous film in the series, Scream (2022), was originally released in cinemas in mid-January 2022. It was then released digitally and was available to stream on Paramount+ at the beginning of March, only a month and a half later. Scream VI will also be available to stream on Paramount+ eventually, but no date has been given yet as to when it will be available to subscribers.
Prior to the film's wider release, the event celebrates the theatrical release of the movie exclusively in theaters with one special 3D showing in participating theaters around the country, including Dolby Cinema, 4DX, and other premium large format theaters.
The sixth installment of Scream will hit theaters on March 10, 2023. Of course, not everyone prefers to watch their favorite scary movies in a theater. Fans are anticipating the film's potential streaming release date and wondering if it will be made available on Netflix, Paramount Plus, HBO Max, or some other streaming service.
Where to watch Scream 6 Online:
As of now, the only way to watch Scream 6 is to head to a theater when it releases on Friday, March 3. You can find a local showing on Fandango. Otherwise, you’ll just have to wait for it to become available to rent or buy on digital platforms like Vudu, Peacock, Apple and YouTube, or become available to stream on Amazon Prime Video.
Following its release in theaters, the film will be available to stream on Prime Video. Expect the movie to hit the streamer 45 days after its theatrical run, which should be sometime in April. it's most likely that Prime Video will be the main platform that will stream Creed III.
Is Scream 6 on Netflix?
Scream 6 won't probably be available on Netflix because Paramount Plus should be the only streaming service to provide it. That would be a very bizarre move on the part of Paramount Pictures and Spyglass Media Group to permit the horror film to stream elsewhere.
Is Scream 6 streaming on HBO Max?
Scream 6 is expected to stream on HBO Max at some point after its theatrical run. No official streaming release date for the movie has yet been given, but as it comes from Warner Bros., it will likely arrive on the platform after its cinematic debut barring some unprecedented events or a unique deal.
Is Scream 6 Available On Hulu?
Viewers are saying that they want to view the new movie Scream 6 on Hulu. Unfortunately, this is not possible since Hulu currently does not offer any of the free episodes of this series streaming at this time. It will be exclusive to the MTV channel, which you get by subscribing to cable or satellite TV services. You will not be able to watch it on Hulu or any other free streaming service.
Is Scream 6 streaming on Prime Video?
After completing its huge $8.5 billion acquisition of MGM, the movie studio behind Scream 6, in March 2022, Amazon Studios will undoubtedly be making the film available to stream on their Prime Video platform.
The first two Creed movies are available to watch on the streaming service, so it is just a matter of time before Scream 6 also makes an appearance. No official date has yet been set, but it will likely take a couple of months from the film’s theatrical release before it is available for streaming.
Scream 6 streaming release date for Paramount Plus:
Scream 6's official streaming release date is unknown, but the audience can make some predictions about the release date of Scream (2022) if they consider the time that passed between its theatrical release and its debut on Paramount Plus.
Released on January 14, "Scream" (2022) debuted on Paramount Plus on March 8. This indicates that there were 53 days between the streaming release and the theatrical premiere. The movie could be purchased digitally as well, on March 1, one week before it debuted on Paramount Plus. Given this, fans might anticipate that Scream 6 will be accessible for streaming on Paramount Plus around May 2, 2023.
However, Paramount Pictures has already stated that after a 45-day theatrical window, the majority of their movies will be exclusively streamable on Paramount Plus. If this is the case, Scream 6 might debut on or around April 24, 2023, earlier than predicted.
Scream 6 streaming on HBO Max, Disney Plus, or another streaming platform:
Due to Scream 6's exclusivity on Paramount Plus, HBO Max, Disney Plus, and other streaming services, it is unlikely that they will offer it for streaming.
Scream 6 plot summary:
In Scream VI, Ghostface must once more be faced by the four Scream 2022 survivors. The official summary states that- the four survivors depart Woodsboro and begin a new life after the most recent Ghostface killings. The characters are traveling to New York City, as seen on the poster.
Who is in the Scream 6 cast?
As Tara Carpenter, Jenna Ortega will return. As Sam Carpenter, Tara's older sister, Melissa Barrera, will make another appearance in Scream VI. With the Carpenter sisters in New York City, Jasmin Savoy Brown and Mason Gooding will also be making a comeback as the identical twins Mindy and Chad Meeks-Martin. They also share a blood relationship with one of the terrible victims from the first movie as Randy Meeks' (Jamie Kennedy) niece and nephew. The only Scream series character to appear in each film is Gale Weathers, who is still played by Courtney Cox. Hayden Panettiere will return as Kirby Reed. ghgtuy

I've been thinking, is it possible to express a repayment schedule as a polynomial

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Thanks to everyone in this space. I've been lurking for a while.
I would love to hear stories from anyone about their experience with their Wayward Spouse about a few things.
1 - What sort of experiences do people have with the WS "falling in love" and during the affair think that the AP is the person they were now meant to be with? And is it possible for them to fall out of love, understanding what they were doing from a new perspective, and what sort of steps/timeline have you experienced?
2 - What kind of stories, fantasies, and magical thinking have BS had to endure as the WS opens up and tells their side and what they were/are thinking? I'll give some details to what I mean below.
3 - Do any BS come to terms with a point of view that sees the affair as a necessary evil that actually produced a better relationship?
My basic background is 47M, married for two decades to a 46F. Multiple kids 18 and under. No prior issues, everyone would think we had it made. She engaged in an EA from August 2022 through the end of January 2023. There were some sort of DDays with denial in November, with the real DDay being end of December. The EA was largely texting and phone, with a few trips around running a marathon or seeing a movie. I was aware of the friend, and then felt uneasy about the friend, only to be told they were "just friends" to then being told they had "deep feelings" for each other to, being told they fell in love with each other. Again, this EA is through about 5-7 hours of talking on the phone each day, and texting all hours, and some running together on a few trips that I new about before it was known to be an EA. Amazingly, this is also after my WW was witness to her brother being a BS 2 years ago from our former sister-in-law, and my WW was probably the most vocal and judgmental person against the sister-in-law. My WW is self-employed, the AP is a lawyer able to do what he wants remotely, etc. So the two of them hit it off and ran with it, no boundaries/slippery slope style, as they controlled their own schedules so they just prioritized their time together talking and texting. Two very extroverted personalities met and had time and very little emotional intelligence on their actions.
Around November WW and I enter MC with her in basic denial that it wasn't just friends. She goes no contact but basically has the opinion that we grew apart, and she's not in love with me anymore. We are all blocked in MC discussions and it finally comes out in late December. Yes, it's an EA. Yes, WW fell in love. Yes, they've been in contact a few times since no contact. It comes out because the EA comes out in the greater community, because the two of them were on a non-profit board together, and the child of her AP, and the OBS, were talking to whoever would listen about the EA. So there is fallout. WW loses a few clients. Etc. Coming clean time.
We basically spent January and February living separate lives in the same house. Functioning as parents, etc. I look for her to make a commitment back to us, and she essentially can't. I tell her then, time to move on, time for her to move out (I have a unique situation housing situation where she would move out, she knows, no questions), etc. REALLY ROUGH WEEK follows that one, more truth comes out about feelings, WW is conflicted, loves me deeply as a person, thinks I'm the most worthy person on the planet, knows the simpler, "right" thing to do is to commit to us, etc but just can't turn off her feelings for AP so she doesn't want to gaslight me or lie to me anymore. Lots of details here, but essentially in early March I give the ultimatum. I need these 3 things or we're done. We are going to start doing things as one couple working through this issue or stop being married. I gave her some time to think, go to her on IC (we both have been in IC since September).
Next day she doesn't need time to think. She wants to talk, she wants to commit to finding us again if possible. She just needed to put out on the table that she has this feelings of being in love with the AP. We have a 5 hour, completely transparent conversation. We've probably had 2 weeks of this now. 2-6 hours of conversations every day, amazing conversations, truth is out completely, details are being shared naturally, we are tackling all sort of issues of resentment that built up in her over the past 5 years. We both feel closer to each other than we have in 2+ years. No physical stuff between us, no sharing beds, etc. A lot of her resentment centers around a miscarriage we had 5 years ago, and how she experienced my reaction as celebrating, when I was just irrationally relieved for her safety since she was 41 and older. More resentment about a desire discrepancy in those years and how that would manifest between us at night. All good stuff. All stuff we could have been fixing a year ago if she would have just told me how she was feeling, which was emotionally disconnected from me. We are constantly turning to each other. Sharing. We would probably shock our MC if she could see what we have accomplished. Really good stuff here.
I could, like all of you on here, write a book filling in more details and stories and things said. Where I am right now is here. I am willing to keep going down this path for a while as we improve our relationship. She has clearly told the AP to move on, find what was missing in his marriage but it's not her, she is choosing to remain in the marriage for whatever it takes to see if we can make this work again. He just divorced, and he would be there for her if she had wanted, but she is clear to me she doesn't. There has been no contact since early February. WW is transparent and in some ways, I've got her eyes back. She has very expressive eyes, and during the EA, they were dead to me. I've heard the term "shark eyes" and she had them. The warmth is coming back as we talk.
Here's some of the hurdles and why I posed those questions:
-WW believes, to a surprising amount to me now, a lot in astrology, psychic stuff, and all that. Think spirit animals and figuring out if Mercury is in retrograde. I knew she thought that stuff was fun, used crystals for intentions, etc. Nothing up until now has been outside of the realm of quirky. It turns out during the EA that the AP was very into this stuff too. A corporate lawyer type. So much so that they began pulling tarot cards for each other, sharing crystals, they got readings with each other on the times they did interact in person. WW has demonstrated to me in her explanations of their thinking, and where she is at mentally, that her and AP believe they are each others "Twin Flames". That they had multiple psychics tell them this. That tarot cards revealed that they were meant to be together, etc. The fantasy thinking went so far in that WW believed that our miscarried, unborn child's soul was/is residing with the AP's deceased mother because their souls had traveled together in previous lives. These are two highly educated, by all metrics intelligent people. And they both convinced each other that their EA was a meeting based on past lives, soul contracts, and fate. The "everything happens for a reason stuff". This is what helped them "fall head over heels in love" and it was validated by psychics. Again, WW was always a bit quirky, but this type of reasoning is turned up to level 11. If the greater world of her clients, and probably his as well, knew they were making major life decisions based on the stuff I've heard, they would be laughed at and not trusted.
-WW is very open to connecting to me again. Intellectually knows that reconciling would be the best thing, considers me her best friend, and knows we still have a family here. She's doing the work daily. But is very much stuck on the level of "love" that she felt/feels for AP, and it is all buttressed by "the universe". She is quick to point out that her feelings in this are not driving her actions, because by actions, she has chosen to be here with me, and there is in her mind no rush. I get that and appreciate that verbally to her. She is doing the work these past two weeks to bring us back to life a bit. I've had a lot of trouble with really attacking these types of beliefs, because I know I need to be the safe emotional place for us to have any chance to heal. And for her to have any chance to begin to examine some of these beliefs in the daylight and not in the EA environment. And if this is how she expresses spirituality, all good with me as long as it doesn't continue to drive her actions. But her current feelings (6 weeks or so since No Contact) are the biggest block to her wanting to move forward full steam with reconciliation. Two months ago I would have given a lot to be where we are after the past two weeks, so I'm appreciative but I'm also impatient. It's like a 180 degree turn for us which is great but the reconnection won't happen with these feelings in the way. And the astrological properties of the EA make the EA seem to her less like an affair, and more like a season of her life she was meant to go through, if anything, to reconnect us in one potential outcome. She says all the right things about owning her mistakes about how she went about cheating, but still holds the higher purpose thinking. I think this higher purposed thinking keeps those feelings alive, and makes them stronger, and if they weren't there, it would be easier.
So there are my questions. Anyone else deal with this "Twin Flame", the universe drew them together type thinking? Did it last? Did time put a different perspective on it? Forget the astrological side, what about a WS and AP thinking they were soulmates and then looking back, whoops, nope!
What about the "falling out of love stuff"? I've read six months to two years. I can handle six months of declining interest and returning connection. I've got a big heart and lots of understanding for mistakes, etc. and the disconnection we had as she has now explained it. We made a great life together and before this we were two highly complimentary people. Two years of full detachment from my WW because it was in the stars and she is sticking to that explanation? That doesn't feel like something that's going to fly with me. And finally, have any BS come to the co-creation of the story that the affair is what catapulted the couple into a better relationship? I can see some glimmers of that being possible - truly. I also don't want to be a dope.
Thanks for reading.

To say that one waits a lifetime for his soulmate to come around is a paradox. People eventually get sick of waiting, take a chance on someone, and by the art of commitment become soulmates, which takes a lifetime to perfect.
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Let's take a chance on one another and discover what we can build together. Life is short and the possibilities are endless, so why not take a leap of faith and see where it leads us? We may face challenges and uncertainties along the way, but with an open mind and a willing heart, we can create something truly special.
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Hi I'm A...... , my name means unique in English (can you guess it?)
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I am studying Engineering Advanced Technology as applying the knowledge of physics into real world has been a big inspiration for me to take the major. I was torn for a while between pure physics and engineering and in the end, I chose engineering.
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How about you? In what ways do you express what your inside universe is like?
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I love reading poetry and literature whenever I have spare time. I am an avid book reader and also like a healthy dose of philosophy and psychology. My favorite author is Paulo Coelho and favorite read 'The Alchemist'. Which is your favourite book and why? How did it change you?
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How does your perfect date look like? Mine - I'd love to take you on a vintage picnic date. Just me and you on my blanket, listening to The Paper Kites, Sleeping at Last, Hozier. Some lights and food. We'd be laughing and feeling like teenagers again.
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I'll take you to my favourite places too, so grab your backpack and meet me at the bus stop. We'll catch bus that goes to the swiss alps. We'll pick yellow wild flowers and berries. Sneak out from the hut at midnight with a few blankets to keep us cozy while we watch the starry sky, with nothing but fireflies and dandelions around us. Where is your favourite place?
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To summarise - I'm 23 years old straight male, 6ft tall (183cm) dark hair, brownish eyes and tanned skin. We can exchange photos if you send one, I promise I will send you one back
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▪︎I am an empathetic person and I can put myself in your shoes and understand your troubles and suffering and console you the best I can and I'm looking for someone who can reciprocate that as well.
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▪︎I have lived in several countries before , you could say I'm quite an adventurous person, I like exploring different cultures, cuisines and cities.
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▪︎I'm passionate about linguistics and can speak *English, Italian & Urdu* fluently, I can also understand basic *German & Spanish* (Hoping to learn both of these one day)
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▪︎I love memes and I'd love to hear all your jokes. I love puns and cheesy pick up/flirty lines. I'm not as extroverted as I may seem, if I had to choose between a party and staying in my room doing my thing, I'd choose my room.
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▪︎I enjoy video games and physical sports in my free time, I'm more of an outgoing introvert.
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▪︎My taste in music is all over the place, it depends on what kind of mood I'm in but I like melancholic music and sometimes it spirals me into loop of sadness. But I also like pop, jazz, country and instrumental music.
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What I'm looking for?
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- Someone who's funny and we can share memes and laugh. Sarcasm, flirty chats and puns will be appreciated
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- Someone who would genuinely enjoy spending time with me. Would be interested in getting to know me and be open so I can get to know you too
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- Be present, initiative and thoughtful
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- You would like to meet up at some point in real life, and we'll have that cozy first airport hug
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- Someone I can send and from whom I can receive cute good morning / good night texts
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- Someone who would enjoy receiving details from my day /pics, videos, voices messages/ and would include me in his day by sending me selfies/pics/videos etc.
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- You would be interested in having at least one date night a week / watching a movie or playing games together on a video call
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- You'll believe in me, be there for me and fight to be with me
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What I'm not looking for?
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- Someone putting minimal to no effort
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- Someone who'd ditch me and cancel our date to play League of Legends all day
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- Someone still not over their ex from 10 years ago / Emotionally unavailable
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- Liars and cheaters
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- Someone who would see me less than their friends. ​
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If you're wondering what are some of my bad sides:
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- Books and theatre have set really high expectations of romance for me? I
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- I can eat sweet potato fries for the rest of my life, if you order french fries I'd probably eat yours, too
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- I'm a night owl and sometimes I am going to bed around 3am and waking up at noon.
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- I'm an emotional and very romantic person, if you're more on the cold side it won't work out
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What am I offering?
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- To be your best friend. I'll always be there for you.
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- A lot of physical affection, I will love hugging you, kissing you, playing with your hair while I lay on your chest
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- Compliments. You're probably hot af, and really gorgeous. I'll make sure you never forget it or doubt yourself
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- Love you harder on the days you can't love yourself
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- I'll be there for you when it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year. Clap,clap,clap.
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- I'll read you bed time stories
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- I'll be honest and always do my best to work things out, I'm pretty straight forward and you won't need to read my mind
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- I'll believe in you
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- I'll never give up on you
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So let's build each other up, be the best version of ourselves, let go of the past and live in the present, let's travel and be happy.

Demographic: white (middle eastern), female, freshman
Schools: NYU, Boston University, Barnard (my dream 😭)
Current Major: Natural Science (BS), but I am changing it to English
College GPA: 3.454
HS GPA (W): 96.06 (11 APs)
ECs:
- Dog walker and sitter (paid and continuation from HS): My primary responsibility was to walk dogs and occasionally look after them when their owners had other engagements. I provide food and water, maintain a walking schedule, and ensure the dog's physical safety. This a continuation from my 9th and 10th grades of high school. As I am self-employed, my work schedule is based on my school schedule, thus I am in control of my work hours.
- Science Club: I am a member of the newsletter committee in which I research current discoveries and science-related news to be added to the newsletter and accessed by other students.
- Member of the United Students Government (continuation from HS): I am an active member of the United Students Government Club. As a member, I aided in organizing community events such as a Thanksgiving food drive and clothing donations to women's shelters. This is a continuation from high school as it is similar to the Student Government club I was a member of.
- HEAL Clinical Shadowing: I partook in an online symposium where medical school students and varying doctors were taught about the importance of taking care of patients. The instructors provided different case studies and engaged those shadowing in the steps that were taken to find a diagnosis.
- (HS - Senior) Co-Treasurer of my National English Honor Society Chapter in HS: I was elected to be Co-Treasurer in my High School during my 12th-grade year. My responsibilities included: managing the club's budget, collecting club dues from members, and aiding my co-officers with organizing meetings. Collectively, we would discuss ideas for members to be involved in writing and literature-related activities.
- Depop seller (continuation from HS): I manage a second-hand shop, promoting sustainability. Through selling my own clothes and thrifted goods I acquired skills in negotiation, customer service, and marketing.
- Volunteer at 7Cups: I received training in order to properly engage with people who need to express their current emotions via an online chat
- Volunteer at Zooniverse: I test projects prior to their release and check to see if they work properly. At the end of the beta test, I fill out a questionnaire that aids the researchers in finding and checking for flaws or issues. Also, I am able to choose from a variety of projects and I classify the data contained within the project.
- English Tutor: I tutored family members whose primary language isn't English. I helped them in improving their grammar when speaking and writing. I organized lesson plans and developed games for enhancing language comprehension.
Achievements:
- AP Scholar for AP Lang and Comp
- Rho Kappa, NHS, NEHS, NFLHS, SNHS
LOR:
My English professor as she is the only prof that I have been able to form somewhat of a relationship with and has been able to evaluate my progress in the course

-Made by lolo#1000/ discord.gg/CapitalOfTypology .

1. What motivates you the most in life? Do you think you have a reasoning to your course of actions in your life? As in something you wish to gain or benefit from your actions.

The first thing that motivates me in life is the prospect of being a successful person, in order to live a comfortable life. The reason for this is because I care about how society will perceive me, but most of all I care about what I think about myself. So, even if I’m not sure I can do it, I always set high standards for myself.
The second thing that motivates me in life is the possibility of having fun. Before doing something, I always think “Will I have fun?”. I want to live a life full of new and exciting activities. I do this because one of the feelings that I hate the most is the feeling of boredom. It makes me very irritated and agitated to feel bored.

1. What do you think is something you fundamentally lack/is bad at? something you acknowledge how it affects aspects of your life?

There are several things that I lack. First, I lack discipline. Even if I have already set high standards for myself and my goals, I seem to be unable to organize/ schedule my life and stop procrastinating so much. Even if I really want to do it, it seems that I just can’t. I frequently become obsessed with unrelated topics that distract me from my main goal, which is to be successful. My mother has been constantly arguing with me because of this, and I have been trying to solve it by taking medications for attention. But it's not working well.
Second, I lack the ability to show affection to others, mostly because I’m embarrassed of doing it and don’t really know how to do it. My friends and family perceive this as something bad and that should be solved, but honestly, I don’t care. All I care right now is that I succeed in my goals.

1. How do you deal with authority? Authority can mean anyone in a position of power, regardless of the place. Do you push against them, adhere to them, fear them, or do you think they are crucial for order to be established?

I have always feared and resented authority. When I was a child, I used to rebel against them, because they made me feel threatened and I didn’t want anyone giving me orders, I wanted things to go my own way. But now, as an adult, I just resent them, I don’t go against them anymore because that would get me in trouble, and I always think about the consequences of my actions before acting. So I just try to leave them alone and not mess with them. I will fight them though if they do something outside their powers that interferes with my life.

1. How important is your image in regards to how others perceive you? Do you want to be perceived in a certain way? Does it bother you if you are perceived in some other way than the one you wish to be perceived with?

It’s really important to me that others perceive me as someone successful. want to be perceived as someone strong, disciplined, that can defend myself and state my own opinions. I also want to be seem someone competent what is able to work a lot. It bothers me to be perceived as someone weak, insecure, incompetent and defenseless.

1. How important is financials, security, and survival to you? This includes having sufficient resources, avoiding danger and maintaining a fundamental sense of structure and wellbeing. Do you seek to protect and retain mentioned themes?

Security is one of the most imporant things of my life. I want a career that brings me a lot of money, so I can have enough for living a comfortable and safe life. I’m really scared of going out of money and having no one to help me.
I also always seek to inform myself about safety. For exemple, if I’m going to a theme park, I will research firsthand if there has been any accident before in the park. Also, before taking medication, I will research about the possible severe side effects. So, the safety of things really matters to me. I want to have fun, but I also need to be safe.

1. What is your reaction and thoughts to others' rejection, criticism and disapproval of you?

It depends of how close they are to me. If they are just random people, they can disapprove of me, and I won’t care much. But if they are important and close people to me, I will feel sad if there’s any conflict between us. Once I have established a friendship, straining it with criticism and fights scares me and saddens me.

1. What sort of events/situations in life that causes you anger? Anger is an emotion characterized by antagonism towards someone or something you feel has deliberately done you or others wrong. If there is any, elaborate on them.

I’m usually a very calm person, so getting me angry or offending me is hard. Most of all, what causes me anger and disdain is people that act without logic. Or people that have no regard for their safety, and then when something goes wrong, they expect me to feel sorry for them.
Also, something that will make me suddenly become extremely aggressive is when someone threatens me. I really dislike being physically threatened especially. I can’t stand someone who dares go against my safety. It makes me want to kill them (just joking).

1. Following the last question, do you think anger is necessary in life? How do you express your anger, or do you choose not to? Why and why not?

I think anger is necessary to defend yourself, but not to offend other people. But besides thinking that, I do not often express my own anger, because I’m scared of the possible consequences of doing something out of impulse. As I said, I always think about the consequences of my actions. I admire people who are able to express their anger to defend themselves though. I wish I was like them.

1. What is the importance of the concepts, ideas and meaning behind things to you? Are you trying to make sense of your everyday life?

I'm frequently trying to find the meaning behind my own actions, my own way of thinking and feeling things. This is why I like typology so much. I’m not very interested In the way other people act though, I’m only looking for a way to explain my own thoughts and actions.
That being said, in school, subjcts that were more “ abstract” and had little implication in real life, like philosophy or arts, weren’t very liked by me. I usually had trouble understanding them and preferred more “ real” subjects, like biology or math.

1. What situations in life bring you the most guilt? Guilt is described as a feeling that you have committed a fault, which may be internal guilt towards yourself, or guilt towards your actions regarding another person. Do you frequently experience feelings of guilt?

There are two things that I can think of right now that bring me feelings of guilt. First, is when I haven't been productive enough. When I haven't studied everything that I was meant to study is a day, for example. Not being productive makes me feel very guilty because I feel like I’m going to “fall behind” and lose progress.
Second, I feel guilty because I am often scared I’m being an egocentric person. I tend to talk about myself too much, overshare about my own feelings and experiences, and that makes me feel really bad about myself. I’m not sure I’m right about this one, though, because even though I have the urge to talk about myself a lot, I try to be a good listener and make the person I’m talking with feel good.

1. What makes you feel ashamed the most? Shame signifies a self-conscious emotion arising out of feeling that something is fundamentally wrong about oneself. Are you prone to such feelings often?

I don’t feel shame very often, but when I do, it’s usually because of commiting a mistake in public. Like answering a question wrongly.

1. What makes you feel fearful the most? Fear is described as an emotion which warns us of the presence of danger or threat of harm, whether physical or psychological. May be internally ingrained feelings, or externally because of other people/situations.

Fear is one of the emotions I feel the most in my life. When I was younger, what scared me the most was putting my physical health is danger. So diseases and death were my biggest fears.
Right now, as an adult, the thought that I’m going to fail in my career and not become a successful person is what scares me the most. It scares me because that would make my self-esteem go really low, I would think badly about myself if that happened.

1. Is it important for you to have a high social status, to be socially connected, to integrate/fit in and belong to a group? Is it something you work towards achieving?

It’s important for me to have a high social status, to be perceived as someone important and successful. I also often try to be socially connected wherever I go, so I usually try to make friends with everyone around me. And this is something I’m good at, since at my old school, I used to be friends with the whole class.
Among all the people that I meet, I try to find the ones that I get along with the most so I can form a group of people I feel comfortable and happy around. Usually, it’s people that have similar ideas and humor to me. Being alone isn’t exactly uncomfortable for me, but being around people I like is far more exciting and fun.

1. To what extent do you value issues related to the quality and status of relationships with specific individuals, and maintaining relationships and connections?

When I was younger, I remember I did very little to maintain my friendships. Even if they were trying to connect with me, I would just keep a distance and not say much.
But now, as an adult, I make far more efforts to keep my relationships strong. I frequently try to talk with them, send them things I think they will like, and set specific dates to hang out with them. I do this because I understand now how hard it is to find people that you can trully connect to and feel comfortable to express yourself with. Also, when talking to people, I make efforts son they know that what they’re saying is being appreciated.

1. Would you consider yourself a self-sacrificing individual? How much time or resources are you willing to sacrifice to assist others or make things easier for others? Or are you simply seeking your own good and well-being?

I'm usually willing to help others, no matter if I like the person or not. I do this because I tend to have a mentality of “do to others what you want them to do to you”. But I admit I’m not willing to do this if I have to sacrifice too much of my own resources to make things easier for others, since I value my own good more than anything else.

1. What are your thoughts on expressing your vulnerability? Vulnerability is a willingness to express emotion or to allow its weaknesses to be visible or known. What makes you think or feel you are vulnerable?

I tend to express my own emotions very well when in a group of friends, even if I don’t even know them that well. I often tend to overshare, talk too much about how I feel and about my own life experiences.
Showing affection, even to the people I love, makes me feel extremely vulnerable, so I avoid doing it as much as I can. Even If I really love this person, I won’t say it. I will demonstrate it though my actions instead of words.

I talked to my OB and MFM (when I was working with them) and had discussed whether or not it would be okay to hand express. If I don't wear my nursing bra I'm leaking like a fountain and ruining my clothes, but if I'm wearing a nursing bra it causes a nasty painful knot only in my right breast. So they gave me the a-okay to self express (I'm 37 weeks along and scheduled for 39 weeks to give birth) but told me to talk to lactation support if I needed any advice on how to collect. So I go to Lactation support, who immediately says I shouldn't be pumping (didn't plan on pumping) and that I should just let it be. If I have a knot massage it out, but just use nipple pads for the leaking. Like miss ma'am you don't understand I'm leaking everywhere, my boobs are killing me, please just give me advice? So who do I listen to in this aspect? I already know if I experience contractions to quit, so?

I started renting this flat about a year ago. After three hellish years of sharing a small dorm with three other university students I decided I’ve had enough and set out to get a place of my own. Last summer, I finally found something I could afford with my measly savings and the money I was earning by tutoring high schoolers. It wasn’t too far off from my university, so the move was quick and uneventful.
I never actually met my landlord - apparently, those bastards are too lazy to even drive to their properties. Instead, I was greeted by an old lady, who introduced herself as the housekeeper, though, like I mentioned, she didn’t own the place. She handed me the keys to the flat and told me all the ins-and-outs of living in a rented apartment (when I needed to pay, who to call if something breaks, etc.) She was very kind and compassionate, which reminded me of my own grandmother, so I quickly came to like her. She left me her phone number, saying that I could call her whenever I wanted to talk.
On her way out, she stopped in the doorway for a moment, her hand patting the wall. Her back was turned to me, but I was still able to hear her say “Take care of him, will you?”. The next moment she was gone, leaving me confused as to the meaning of these parting words.
At first, I assumed that there was an animal in the apartment, and now I was unknowingly roped into taking care of it. But, after thoroughly examining every room (and there wasn’t a lot of them – only a bathroom, a kitchen and a bedroom doubling as a study), I couldn’t find anyone other than myself. Eventually I concluded that the lady must have assumed I had a boyfriend – why she would have done that, I have no idea, but old people are sometimes weird.
Then the school year started, so I had a lot on my mind other than cryptic housekeepers. I settled into the flat easily enough – it was small, yes, but I found it very cozy. The floorboards creaked if you stepped on them too hard, and the walls groaned during particularly windy nights. The light in the kitchen needed several moments to turn on, and the lock on the bathroom door didn’t fully lock, but since I was living alone, this wasn’t much of a concern. Overall, for the price I paid, the place was perfect.
The weird things started happening a month after I moved in. I don’t remember what day of the week it was, but I had lectures early in the morning, so I had to wake up before the sun was up. I’ve never been a morning person – I’ve never been a night-dweller either, for some reason my body needed no less than ten hours of sleep to properly function. But, alas, I couldn’t have such a luxury during the academic year, so six in the morning was the waking hour for me. That day, like usual, I firstly went to the bathroom to brush my teeth (and do the other bathroom activities), and after I was done I came into the kitchen to have my cup of coffee.
Only to find that the kettle was already on.
As soon as I opened to door, it clicked off, as if startled by my appearance. I could hear the water boiling and the smoke flowed out of its spout, so it must have been on for a while. Obviously, I didn’t remember ever turning it on, but I quickly dismissed this strange occurrence. I often got lost in my own thoughts and frequently lost items by absentmindedly leaving them lying around in strange places. Once, after I was finished talking on the phone, my brain apparently decided that I must leave it inside the fridge. I only realized that something wasn’t right a couple of hours later, when I reached for my phone to look at the time only to find a jar of milk next to me.
So I could’ve easily went into the kitchen in my half-awake state and automatically turned on the kettle without even realizing it. I didn’t have any time to ponder about any other explanations that morning, and the incident was forgotten.
The next morning, I found the kettle turned on again. And the next, and the next.
I knew I couldn’t have turned on the kettle without my awareness for so many days in a row. I concluded that my kettle was broken, but, since I didn’t have the funds to fix it or get a new one, I simply decided to leave its cord out of the power socket when I wasn’t home, as I didn’t want my house to catch on fire due to a malfunction. So, after coming up with this plan, I finished my coffee cup, plugged out the kettle, and went to the university.
On the day after that, I woke up to find the kettle plugged back in. There was also a steaming cup of coffee on the counter.
Needless to say, I was freaked the fuck out. In retrospect, it seems kind of ridiculous that I almost had a breakdown over a cup of coffee, but I think it was the implications that were more frightening. Was someone breaking into my house? Was someone in my house currently? Did they steal anything? Did they watch me sleep? Did they do anything to me while I was asleep?
I couldn’t call the police or anything like that, obviously. They would’ve just chalked it up to me not being fully awake when I made the coffee – just like I at first dismissed the kettle turning on by itself. But I knew myself, and I knew that I couldn’t have done that. Clicking on a button? Sure. But pouring hot water into the cup and adding spoons of instant coffee? I couldn’t have done that in a half-asleep state.
I didn’t know what to do. I was scared to leave the apartment, afraid that the intruder would take the opportunity to steal something while I was gone. But staying seemed far worse, considering I could be trapped in an apartment with someone who could potentially mean me harm.
So there I was, sitting at a kitchen table, staring at the steaming cup of coffee (I was afraid to drink it – what if it was spiked with something?), when it clicked. Of course, I thought, there is only one other person who had the keys to the apartment – the housekeeper! It seemed to be the only reasonable explanation: of course, a nice old lady like her would want to do some kind things for me. It was a bit strange that she didn’t leave a note or stick around to say hello, but maybe she was in a hurry, only stopping by my flat as a second thought. And, well, old people are sometimes weird.
I quickly found the number that she left me with and, after a couple of moments spent to collect myself (I always got irrationally nervous before phone calls) I pressed dial.
She answered me happily, apparently not perturbed by the early hour. I explained the situation to her, phrasing it as though I was simply confused and haven’t been scared out of my mind moments prior. She listened to me patiently and, after I was finished, stayed quiet for a few moments before saying “You’ve really taken a liking to this place, haven’t you?”
Her response didn’t make any sense in the context of what I’ve been talking about, but her tone told me everything I needed to know. I could hear the amused smile, and I was almost able to picture her silently laughing at me. She spoke with the same tone parents use to tell their kids about Santa Claus and the tooth fairy, delighting at the little devils eating up their every word. The same tone your friend would use to make you shake his hand, assuring you that there wasn’t glue on it this time, for real.
Oh, how I misinterpreted the housekeeper’s intentions. She wasn’t doing this out of kindness – not fully, at least. Under the façade of a nice old lady hid a mischievous prankster. No doubt she was doing this out of boredom – there wasn’t much a person her age would get up to, anyway. Well, I thought, I might as well indulge her in this little scheme of hers. Not like it was causing any harm, anyway.
I answered that I did, indeed, like the place a lot. She was very glad. She then told me not to mind the coffee, as it wasn’t meant to scare me. I thanked her and hung up. Then I realized I was very running very late, so I quickly downed the coffee – done exactly as I liked it – and hurried to catch the bus.
After I came back to the flat that day, I found a full dinner waiting for me on the table. A bowl of chicken soup and a plate of mac and cheese, which reminded me of the stuff my mom used to make for me as a kid. It was still hot.
At first I wanted to call the housekeeper again to tell her that there was no need to cook for me, but I eventually decided against it. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, as they say. And besides, my wallet was getting a bit thin, so I needed to save up wherever I could.
And that’s how it went for a while after that: I woke up, I drank the coffee prepared for me, and after I returned home, I ate the amazing dinner the housekeeper made for me that day. I honestly expected the dinner to be a one-time ordeal, but after a week of eating delicious home-cooked meals, I couldn’t bring myself to ask her to stop making them. I did however start feeling a little guilty – no doubt, she was spending a lot of money on me, and I couldn’t even give her anything in return. I assured myself by reasoning that she wouldn’t keep on doing it if she didn’t want to, but the shame kept eating at me.
Eventually, I decided to leave a note for her. I’ve never been that good at expressing emotions to other people, so I settled on a simple “Thank you! :)” I left the note on the kitchen table when I went to sleep. Next day, it was gone. No “You’re welcome!” in return, just a cup of coffee waiting patiently for me. So there was that.
But that’s not what you’re here for. You read the title, you know this story isn’t really about my nice housekeeper, no matter for how long I’ve gone on about her. So let’s get to the point.
By that time, I’ve already been living in the flat for four months. The end of the semester was quickly approaching, exams looming on the horizon. We’re usually given a couple of weeks in advance to study for them, so I was spending my days at home, rereading the material and writing helpful notes for myself.
One of those nights I woke up with a start. I’ve always been a light sleeper (you can understand why living with three roommates had been hell on earth), so it might have been just a dog barking or a car alarm that woke me up. But no, I could definitely remember that it was neither of those – instead, it was a loud sharp sound, like something falling or a door being slammed. I lay in the dark for a few moments, straining my ears to hear any other noise, but there was only the quiet humming of my laptop and the usual city noises coming from outside. Eventually, the tiredness won and I fell back asleep.
I found it in the morning.
I didn’t see it when I woke up, as I kept my lights off. But after I washed my face with some cold water and drank my morning coffee (prepared for me by my lovely housekeeper, as usual), I returned to my bedroom to continue studying and turned on the light.
There was a crack in the wall. It went down from the ceiling to about the height of my desk which was placed next to this wall. It was thin, but I could still see the darkness peering at me from the inside of it.
Now, I want you to know that I’m not the kind of person that gets scared easily. Like you do, I also look for things to scare myself with on the internet, which made me sort of desensitized to certain types of horror.
But that crack… I don’t know. I can’t rationalize it. All that I know was that as soon as my eyes landed on it, I could feel my whole body just stop. My knees went weak and I grabbed onto the doorframe to keep myself standing, not tearing my eyes away from the darkness pouring out of my wall. I wasn’t scared of my landlord blaming its appearance on me, and I wasn’t afraid of the repair bills – no, I was frightened of IT. This thing being in my room, it was just wrong. I felt my breathing getting ragged as its edges blurred in front of my eyes. As if in a daze, I took a couple of steps towards it, even though every cell in body was screaming at me not to do that. My arm rose against my will, like I was a doll being puppeteered by an unseen force. My hand was almost touching the pulsating darkness, when I was snapped out of the daze by the sound of a slamming door. I turned around to check out the sound but saw no one there. When I looked back at the crack, I found that it seemed normal again. It didn’t cause me numbing panic like the first time I saw it, though the sense of wrongness was still very much there. I decided to study in the kitchen.
Now, here the thing: I probably could’ve - and should’ve – called someone for help about this. If anything, the landlord definitely needed to know about his property breaking down. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Every time I picked up the phone, determined to deal with this issue, I was struck with this hot panic again, and not because of the usual anxiety I came to associate with making calls. I somehow knew that someone else seeing this crack would have irreversible consequences. And so I put the phone back down, angry at my own helplessness.
I tried to not look at it afterwards, which was rather difficult, considering how small my apartment was. I took to spending most of my time in the kitchen, though when nightfall came I had to face it. I wanted to keep the lights on for the night as it brought me a false sense of safety, but I found I couldn’t fall asleep in a bright room, so I had to turn them off. I slept with my back facing it, stupidly assured by a childlike mindset of “If I can’t see it, it can’t see me”. So that’s how the next few days went.
When I woke up after apparently turning around in my sleep and opened my eyes to find the crack staring at me, I knew I couldn’t take it anymore. I found a roll of duct tape and taped it along the crack. It may seem foolish to you, following this “out of sight, out of mind” ideology, but when the crack was finally hidden behind a thin layer of tape, I felt like I could breathe freely again. No more sense of being stared at, no more coldness seeping out of it, no more primal fear ringing in my bones every time my eyes accidentally landed on it. It was finally over.
Or, well, so I thought.
The night after I thought I defeated the crack, I got into bed with an overwhelming sense of relief. Finally, I could feel safe in my own bedroom. I lay down facing the hidden enemy, as it was the side I preferred to sleep on, and fell asleep unusually quickly.
I was rudely awoken by a harsh light piercing though my eyelids. At first I had thought that it must be morning and that the sun rose already, which was strange, since I set an alarm to wake me up before sunrise. Still very sleepy, I rolled over and blindly reached for my phone to check the time. 4 am, it said.
And so I turned around to look at the light source.
The thin crack was blazing with brightness, momentarily blinding me. As I blinked away involuntarily tears in the corners of my eyes, I breathed a sigh of relief after seeing that the duct tape still ran along the crack, the bright light shining through it. I couldn’t even start to think about the potential reasons for it glowing like that before the ringing started.
Well, ringing isn’t really the right word, but I can’t find any fitting ones to describe what happened. It was just… vibrations. I felt them piercing my body, rattling through my bones, and I couldn’t hear the sound with my ears, but the vibrations felt like ringing. And not the ringing of a phone, but something more akin to a church bell, low and foreboding.
And then something behind the crack started moving.
I didn’t see its shadow, no, it was more like this being was the light itself. I couldn’t see its full shape though the thin crack, but I definitely could see the way the duct tape bent under its touch. But instead of tearing it away from the wall or cutting through it, the creature just- reached through the duct tape.
Oh, how foolish I have been to think that a piece of plastic could save me.
The force of the vibrations filling the air around me got stronger as the being now breached into my room. I could not hear – or feel – anything else now besides them, and with an even more growing terror I realized that the vibrations were the creature’s voice.
The being continued its advance. It reached even further, its appendage bending at a certain point and stretching to the floor, using the surface to prop itself further out of the crack. At this point I was more than terrified – I didn’t even feel like I was in my own body anymore, unable to move, shackled by the sight of this being and weighted down by its voice surrounding me. It now had an appendage the size of a person breaching my room, and I think I lost the ability to breathe when it started bending again and again, morphing into a vile mess of unnatural corners and angles. And it just kept coming.
Frozen in my horrified state, I thought that at least this couldn’t get any worse. And then the shaking started.
I long since lost the awareness of my body, but I saw the walls beginning to tremble frantically and the floorboards starting to jump around, as if my house started sliding down a hill. A strong surge threw me and the other objects in the room into the air, and I landed painfully on the floor, my senses coming back to me for a short second. Unfortunately, that also meant that I was closer to the thing. I opened my mouth to scream as its horrifying mass twitched around, a mayhem of joints trying to get closer to me, but I heard no sound coming out. Only its voice winding through me, paralyzing my whole body.
Another hard shake, and the being’s voice impossible doubled in silent volume, making me feel like I was now close to being torn apart by the violent vibrations. Its appendages convulsed as if in a seizure, and in a brief moment of clarity though the crippling fear I realized that the crack though which it was pouring out from was shrinking. Bit by bit, with every harsh shake and jump of the walls, it was becoming smaller. The vibrations were now searing my insides as the creature was wailing in agony.
Painfully slowly, its bended appendage unfolded and pulled itself back though the crack. The light dimmed with every flinch of the walls, and as soon as the tip of the appendage disappeared into the last remaining slit of light, it was over. The room was dark.
As if my ears popped, I came back to the awareness of my senses. My throat ached, no doubt from the soundless screaming, my whole body was shaking and there were wet trails going down my cheeks, though I didn’t remember when I had started crying. I wiped off my face with the back of my hand and continued sitting on the floor for some time, breathing unsteadily and staring at the line of duct tape on my wall. After finally finding the strength, I stood up on my shaking legs and took a couple of steps closer to the wall. I raised up my arms and carefully, bit by bit, pulled off the tape.
The crack was no longer there. I ran my fingers along where it had been. The wall was smooth, not even a trace remaining of a nightmare that plagued me for the last few weeks.
My legs gave out under me and I fell into a heap on the floor. I started to cry again for some reason. Probably relief.
I didn’t sleep for the rest of the night. Who would’ve been able to, after that? I stayed huddled in the corner of my bed, jumping at every slight little sound, until the alarm on my phone rang, telling me that it was time to start the day.
After I collected myself enough to stand up, I briefly stopped by the bathroom to splash cold water into my face, carefully avoiding looking at myself in the mirror. I knew I looked like shit, no need for the reminder.
Then I went straight to the kitchen. I settled myself at the table, grabbing a hot cup of coffee waiting for me like usual. I got through a couple of sips, enjoying the burning feeling on my tongue, when it hit me.
I had stayed up though the whole latter half of the night, and with the strung up condition that I have been in, there’s no way that I could’ve missed the housekeeper coming into the flat to prepare a cup of coffee for me. Then how...?
Like images in a slideshow, memories resurfaced for me to connect the dots. The walls gluing themselves back together to keep out the being from entering my room. The coffee made exactly to my tastes, the dinners that reminded me of my childhood. The housekeeper saying quietly, as if her words were not directed at me, “Take care of him, will you?”
I looked up at the kitchen ceiling. The slow-on-uptake lamp blinked back at me. I turned to look at the creaky floorboards, stained darkly by previous homeowners. I raised my hand to pat the walls gently.
“Thank you,” I said to the house.
The walls creaked lovingly around me. And although they couldn’t say any words, I still got the message.
You are welcome.

Quick question on the signages. Why do they include a “via” whenever a route enters a subway station? Like as far as I know, there’s no bus route that bypasses a subway station. So idk why or how useful it is to include it. Some examples:

• 21C Brimley (to Steeles via Scarborough Centre Station/to Kennedy Station via Scarborough Centre Station)
  
• 98 Willdowdale-Senlac (to Steeles via Sheppard-Yonge Station/to Peckham via Sheppard-Yonge Station)
  
• 925 Don Mills Express (to Pape Station via Don Mills Station/to Steeles via Don Mills Station)
  
• 939B Finch Express (to Finch West Station via Finch Station)
  
• 960B Steeles West Express (to Martin Grove via Pioneer Village Station)
  

I also noticed some inconsistencies with signages. Here are some examples:

• 42 Cummer. TTC website/Transit app/Apple maps shows “to Middlefield” but the bus signboard shows “to Middlefield and Dynamic Dr”
  
• 116 Morningside. In the signboard at Kennedy Station, it says “to Finch” (same as in the apps like Apple Maps or Transit app, even the TTC website). But the bus signboard says “to Finch and Morningside”
  

They’re not wrong but they just seem inconsistent with what they’re showing.

A Conceptual Model of Natural Language Generation with Generator and Analyzer
Abstract Natural language generation (NLG) is the task of producing natural language content from non-linguistic input, such as text or voice. NLG has many applications in various domains, such as dialogue systems, summarization, storytelling, and content creation. However, NLG also faces many challenges, such as ensuring the quality, diversity, and relevance of the generated content. In this paper, we propose a conceptual model of NLG that has the concept of a generator and an analyzer. The generator can produce content from a text or voice of a human from a large dataset of information, and the analyzer can check the quality of the content by comparing it to another large dataset of human-generated content. The analyzer can then give feedback to the generator on how to improve the content in terms of naturalness, coherence, conciseness, accuracy, and style. The generator can learn from the feedback and generate better content in the next iteration. We describe the components and methods of the model, and discuss its potential benefits and challenges for natural language generation.
Introduction Natural language generation (NLG) is the task of producing natural language content from non-linguistic input, such as text or voice. NLG has many applications in various domains, such as dialogue systems, summarization, storytelling, and content creation. For example, a dialogue system can generate natural language responses to user queries or requests; a summarizer can generate concise summaries of long documents or articles; a storyteller can generate engaging stories from keywords or images; and a content creator can generate informative or entertaining content for social media or blogs. However, NLG also faces many challenges, such as ensuring the quality, diversity, and relevance of the generated content. Quality refers to how well the generated content conforms to the linguistic and pragmatic norms of natural language, such as grammar, spelling, punctuation, fluency, coherence, logic, and politeness. Diversity refers to how well the generated content covers different aspects or perspectives of the input or topic, such as facts, opinions, emotions, humor, and creativity. Relevance refers to how well the generated content matches the input or topic, such as context, intention, purpose, and audience. One way to address these challenges is to have a human-in-the-loop approach, where a human can provide feedback or evaluation to the NLG system on the quality, diversity, and relevance of the generated content. However, this approach has some limitations, such as scalability, cost, availability, and subjectivity. Scalability refers to how well the approach can handle large-scale or real-time NLG tasks with high demand or frequency. Cost refers to how much resources or time are required for the human feedback or evaluation. Availability refers to how easily or quickly a human can provide feedback or evaluation. Subjectivity refers to how consistent or reliable the human feedback or evaluation is across different humans or situations. Another way to address these challenges is to have an automated approach, where an NLG system can self-evaluate or self-improve its own generated content without human intervention. However, this approach also has some limitations, such as data quality, model complexity, and evaluation metrics. Data quality refers to how accurate, complete, and representative the data used for training or testing the NLG system is. Model complexity refers to how sophisticated, robust, and generalizable the model used for generating or evaluating the content is. Evaluation metrics refer to how valid, reliable, and interpretable the metrics used for measuring the quality, diversity, and relevance of the content are. In this paper, we propose a conceptual model of NLG that has the concept of a generator and an analyzer. The generator can produce content from a text or voice of a human from a large dataset of information, and the analyzer can check the quality of the content by comparing it to another large dataset of human-generated content. The analyzer can then give feedback to the generator on how to improve the content in terms of naturalness, coherence, conciseness, accuracy, and style. The generator can learn from the feedback and generate better content in the next iteration. We describe the components and methods of the model, and discuss its potential benefits and challenges for natural language generation.
Model Description The proposed model consists of two main components: a generator and an analyzer. The generator is responsible for producing natural language content from a text or voice of a human from a large dataset of information. The analyzer is responsible for checking the quality of the generated content by comparing it to another large dataset of human-generated content. The analyzer can then give feedback to the generator on how to improve the content in terms of naturalness, coherence, conciseness, accuracy, and style. The generator can learn from the feedback and generate better content in the next iteration.
Generator The generator is a neural network model that can produce natural language content from a text or voice of a human from a large dataset of information. The dataset of information can be any source of structured or unstructured data, such as databases, knowledge graphs, documents, articles, images, videos, or audio files. The text or voice of a human can be any query, request, command, or instruction that specifies the topic, purpose, or style of the desired content. The generator can use different methods to generate the content, such as sequence-to-sequence models, transformer models, generative adversarial networks (GANs), or variational autoencoders (VAEs). The generator can also use different techniques to enhance the quality, diversity, and relevance of the content, such as attention mechanisms, copy mechanisms, reinforcement learning, or controllable generation. The output of the generator is natural language content that can be in any form or genre, such as text or speech, sentence or paragraph, question or answer, fact or opinion, story or summary, or joke or poem.
Analyzer The analyzer is another neural network model that can check the quality of the generated content by comparing it to another large dataset of human-generated content. The dataset of human-generated content can be any source of natural language data that is relevant to the topic, purpose, or style of the desired content. The dataset can be collected from various domains or platforms, such as news websites, social media platforms, blogs, forums, reviews, comments, ratings, or feedback. The analyzer can use different methods to evaluate the content, such as classification models, regression models, ranking models, or scoring models. The analyzer can also use different criteria to measure the quality of the content in terms of naturalness, coherence, conciseness, accuracy, and style. Naturalness refers to how fluent and grammatical the content is in terms of syntax, semantics, and pragmatics. Coherence refers to how logical and consistent the content is in terms of structure, organization, and argumentation. Conciseness refers to how brief and clear the content is in terms of word choice, sentence length, and redundancy. Accuracy refers to how correct and factual the content is in terms of information, evidence, and citation. Style refers to how appropriate and expressive the content is in terms of tone, mood, voice, and personality. The output of the analyzer is feedback that can be in any form or level, such as binary or numeric values, labels or categories, scores or ratings, comments or suggestions, or corrections or revisions.
Model Discussion The proposed model has some potential benefits and challenges for natural language generation.
Benefits One benefit of the model is that it can leverage large-scale datasets of information and human-generated content to produce and evaluate natural language content. This can improve the data quality and model complexity of the NLG system. The model can also use different methods and techniques to generate and evaluate the content according to different criteria and preferences. This can increase the diversity and relevance of the NLG system. Another benefit of the model is that it can have a self-improving mechanism that allows the generator to learn from the feedback of the analyzer and generate better content in the next iteration. This can enhance the quality and performance of the NLG system.
Challenges One challenge of the model is that it may require a lot of computational resources and time to train and test the generator and analyzer models on large-scale datasets. This may limit the scalability and efficiency of the NLG system. Another challenge of the model is that it may face some difficulties in finding suitable evaluation metrics that can capture all aspects of quality, diversity, and relevance of natural language content. This may affect the validity and reliability of the NLG system. A third challenge of the model is that it may encounter some ethical or social issues in generating and evaluating natural language content that may have some impact or influence on human perception, behavior, or decision. This may raise some questions about the responsibility and accountability of the NLG system.
Conclusion In this paper, we proposed a conceptual model of natural language generation that has the concept of a generator and an analyzer. The generator can produce content from a text or voice of a human from a large dataset of information, and the analyzer can check the quality of the content by comparing it to another large dataset of human-generated content. The analyzer can then give feedback to the generator on how to improve the content in terms of naturalness, coherence, conciseness, accuracy, and style. The generator can learn from the feedback and generate better content in the next iteration. We described the components and methods of the model, and discussed its potential benefits and challenges for natural language generation. We hope that this paper can inspire more research and development on natural language generation with generator and analyzer. We believe that this model can offer a new perspective and direction for improving the quality, diversity, and relevance of natural language content.
How to Experiment with Natural Language Generation using PyTorch
Abstract Natural language generation (NLG) is the task of producing natural language content from non-linguistic input, such as text or voice. NLG has many applications in various domains, such as dialogue systems, summarization, storytelling, and content creation. However, NLG also faces many challenges, such as ensuring the quality, diversity, and relevance of the generated content. In this paper, we propose a method to experiment with NLG using PyTorch, a popular deep learning framework. We describe how to collect or create large-scale datasets of information and human-generated content, how to build and train neural network models for the generator and the analyzer components of the NLG system, how to generate and evaluate natural language content using the models, and how to analyze and report the results of the experiment. We hope that this paper can provide a useful guide for researchers and practitioners who want to explore and improve NLG using PyTorch.
Introduction Natural language generation (NLG) is the task of producing natural language content from non-linguistic input, such as text or voice. NLG has many applications in various domains, such as dialogue systems, summarization, storytelling, and content creation. For example, a dialogue system can generate natural language responses to user queries or requests; a summarizer can generate concise summaries of long documents or articles; a storyteller can generate engaging stories from keywords or images; and a content creator can generate informative or entertaining content for social media or blogs. However, NLG also faces many challenges, such as ensuring the quality, diversity, and relevance of the generated content. Quality refers to how well the generated content conforms to the linguistic and pragmatic norms of natural language, such as grammar, spelling, punctuation, fluency, coherence, logic, and politeness. Diversity refers to how well the generated content covers different aspects or perspectives of the input or topic, such as facts, opinions, emotions, humor, and creativity. Relevance refers to how well the generated content matches the input or topic, such as context, intention, purpose, and audience. One way to address these challenges is to have a human-in-the-loop approach, where a human can provide feedback or evaluation to the NLG system on the quality, diversity, and relevance of the generated content. However, this approach has some limitations, such as scalability, cost, availability, and subjectivity. Scalability refers to how well the approach can handle large-scale or real-time NLG tasks with high demand or frequency. Cost refers to how much resources or time are required for the human feedback or evaluation. Availability refers to how easily or quickly a human can provide feedback or evaluation. Subjectivity refers to how consistent or reliable the human feedback or evaluation is across different humans or situations.
Another way to address these challenges is to have an automated approach, where an NLG system can self-evaluate or self-improve its own generated content without human intervention. However, this approach also has some limitations, such as data quality, model complexity, and evaluation metrics. Data quality refers to how accurate, complete, and representative the data used for training or testing the NLG system is. Model complexity refers to how sophisticated, robust, and generalizable the model used for generating or evaluating the content is. Evaluation metrics refer to how valid, reliable, and interpretable the metrics used for measuring the quality, diversity, and relevance of the content are.
In this paper, we propose a method to experiment with NLG using PyTorch, a popular deep learning framework. PyTorch is an open-source library that provides a flexible and easy-to-use platform for building and training neural network models. PyTorch also supports various methods and techniques for natural language processing (NLP) and NLG, such as recurrent neural networks (RNNs), attention mechanisms, transformer models, generative adversarial networks (GANs), and variational autoencoders (VAEs).
We describe how to collect or create large-scale datasets of information and human-generated content that are relevant to the objective of the experiment. We also describe how to build and train neural network models for the generator and the analyzer components of the NLG system. The generator model can produce natural language content from a text or voice of a human from a large dataset of information, and the analyzer model can check the quality of the content by comparing it to another large dataset of human-generated content. The analyzer model can then give feedback to the generator model on how to improve the content in terms of naturalness, coherence, conciseness, accuracy, and style. The generator model can learn from the feedback and generate better content in the next iteration.
We also describe how to generate and evaluate natural language content using the models, and how to analyze and report the results of the experiment. We hope that this paper can provide a useful guide for researchers and practitioners who want to explore and improve NLG using PyTorch.
Method In this section, we describe the steps involved in experimenting with NLG using PyTorch.
Data Collection The first step is to collect or create a large dataset of information and a large dataset of human-generated content that are relevant to the objective of the experiment. The dataset of information can be any source of structured or unstructured data, such as databases,knowledge graphs, documents, articles, images, videos, or audio files. The dataset of human-generated content can be any source of natural language data that is relevant to the topic, purpose, or style of the desired content. The dataset can be collected from various domains or platforms, such as news websites, social media platforms, blogs, forums, reviews, comments, ratings, or feedback.
The size and quality of the datasets may affect the performance and outcome of the experiment. Therefore, it is important to ensure that the datasets are accurate, complete, and representative of the input and output domains. It is also important to preprocess and clean the datasets before using them for training or testing the models. For example, removing noise, duplicates, outliers, missing values, or irrelevant information from the datasets.
Model Building The second step is to build or use a neural network model for the generator and another neural network model for the analyzer. The models can be built using PyTorch's modules and functions that provide various layers, activations, optimizers, loss functions, and other utilities for building and training neural network models.
The generator model can use different methods to generate natural language content from a text or voice of a human from a large dataset of information, such as sequence-to-sequence models, transformer models, generative adversarial networks (GANs), or variational autoencoders (VAEs). The generator model can also use different techniques to enhance the quality, diversity, and relevance of natural language content, such as attention mechanisms, copy mechanisms, reinforcement learning, or controllable generation.
The analyzer model can use different methods to evaluate natural language content by comparing it to another large dataset of human-generated content, such as classification models, regression models, ranking models, or scoring models. The analyzer model can also use different criteria to measure the quality of natural language content in terms of naturalness, coherence, conciseness, accuracy, and style.
Naturalness refers to how fluent and grammatical the content is in terms of syntax, semantics, and pragmatics. Coherence refers to how logical and consistent the content is in terms of structure, organization, and argumentation. Conciseness refers to how brief and clear the content is in terms of word choice, sentence length, and redundancy. Accuracy refers to how correct and factual the content is in terms of information, evidence, and citation. Style refers to how appropriate and expressive the content is in terms of tone, mood, voice, and personality.
The output of the generator model is natural language content that can be in any form or genre, such as text or speech, sentence or paragraph, question or answer, fact or opinion, story or summary, or joke or poem.
The output of the analyzer model is feedback that can be in any form or level, such as binary or numeric values, labels or categories, scores or ratings, comments or suggestions, or corrections or revisions.
Model Training The third step is to train the generator and analyzer models on the respective datasets using appropriate methods and techniques. The training process involves feeding the input data to the models, computing the output data and the loss function, updating the model parameters using an optimizer algorithm, and repeating these steps until the models converge to a desired state.
The training process may vary depending on the methods and techniques used by the models. For example, sequence-to-sequence models may use teacher forcing or scheduled sampling techniques to train the decoder part of the model. Transformer models may use masked language modeling or next sentence prediction techniques to train the encoder-decoder part of the model. GANs may use adversarial training techniques to train the generator and discriminator parts of the model. VAEs may use variational inference techniques to train the encoder and decoder parts of the model.
The training process may also require some hyperparameters tuning and regularization techniques to optimize the performance and generalization of the models. For example, choosing the appropriate learning rate, batch size, number of epochs, number of layers, number of hidden units, dropout rate, weight decay rate, etc. for the models. PyTorch provides various tools and libraries for hyperparameter tuning and regularization, such as PyTorch Lightning, PyTorch Ignite, Ray Tune, Optuna, etc.
Content Generation The fourth step is to generate some natural language content using the generator model, given some text or voice of a human as input. The generation process involves feeding the input data to the generator model, computing the output data and the probability distribution over the vocabulary, sampling or selecting the most probable word or token from the distribution, appending the word or token to the output sequence, and repeating these steps until the end-of-sequence token is generated or a predefined length limit is reached. The generation process may vary depending on the methods and techniques used by the generator model.
For example, sequence-to-sequence models may use beam search or greedy search techniques to generate the output sequence. Transformer models may use masked language modeling or next sentence prediction techniques to generate the output sequence. GANs may use adversarial sampling or temperature sampling techniques to generate the output sequence. VAEs may use variational sampling or posterior sampling techniques to generate the output sequence. The generation process may also require some decoding strategies and constraints to control the quality, diversity, and relevance of the generated content. For example, using top-k sampling or top-p nucleus sampling strategies to avoid repetition or low-probability words in the output sequence. Using length normalization or coverage penalty constraints to avoid too short or too long output sequences. Using keyword extraction or topic modeling constraints to ensure that the output sequence matches the input or topic.
Content Evaluation The fifth step is to evaluate the generated content using the analyzer model, comparing it to the human-generated content dataset and giving feedback to the generator model. The evaluation process involves feeding the generated content and the human-generated content to the analyzer model, computing the output data and the evaluation metrics, comparing the metrics between the generated content and the human-generated content, and giving feedback to the generator model on how to improve the content in terms of naturalness, coherence, conciseness, accuracy, and style. The evaluation process may vary depending on the methods and criteria used by the analyzer model. For example, classification models may use binary or multi-class labels to evaluate naturalness, coherence, conciseness, accuracy, and style of natural language content. Regression models may use numeric values or scores to evaluate naturalness, coherence, conciseness, accuracy, and style of natural language content. Ranking models may use pairwise or listwise comparisons to evaluate naturalness, coherence, conciseness, accuracy, and style of natural language content. Scoring models may use ROUGE, BLEU, METEOR, BERTScore, etc. to evaluate naturalness, coherence, conciseness, accuracy, and style of natural language content. The evaluation process may also require some aggregation and analysis techniques to summarize and interpret the evaluation metrics and feedback.
For example, using mean, median, standard deviation, or confidence interval techniques to aggregate the evaluation metrics and feedback across different samples or categories. Using correlation, regression, or significance testing techniques to analyze the relationship between the evaluation metrics and feedback and the input or output variables. The feedback from the analyzer model can be used by the generator model to improve its content in the next iteration. The feedback can be in any form or level, such as binary or numeric values, labels or categories, scores or ratings, comments or suggestions, or corrections or revisions. The feedback can be used by the generator model in different ways, such as updating the model parameters using gradient descent or reinforcement learning algorithms, modifying the input data using data augmentation or editing techniques, or adjusting the output data using post-processing or refinement techniques.
Result Analysis The sixth and final step is to analyze and report the results of the experiment, such as how well the generator model improved over time, how well the analyzer model measured the quality of the content, and how well the generated content met the objective of the experiment. The result analysis involves collecting and organizing the data from the experiment, such as the input data, the output data, the evaluation metrics, and the feedback. The result analysis also involves applying some statistical and visual techniques to summarize and interpret the data from the experiment, such as descriptive statistics, inferential statistics, hypothesis testing, charts, graphs, tables, etc. The result analysis should answer some important questions about the experiment, such as:

• What is the objective of the experiment?
• What are the methods and techniques used by the generator and analyzer models?
• What are the datasets of information and human-generated content used for training and testing the models?
• How are the models trained and tested on the datasets?
• How is natural language content generated and evaluated using the models?
• How is feedback given and used by the models to improve natural language content?
• How is natural language content improved over time by using feedback? - How is quality measured by using different criteria and metrics?
• How is quality compared between generated content and human-generated content?
• How is quality related to input or output variables?
• How does generated content meet the objective of the experiment? The result analysis should also provide some conclusions and implications of the experiment, such as:
• What are the main findings and contributions of the experiment?
• What are the strengths and limitations of the experiment?
• What are the implications and applications of the experiment for NLG research and practice?
• What are the future directions and challenges for NLG research and practice?

Conclusion In this paper, we proposed a method to experiment with NLG using PyTorch, a popular deep learning framework. We described how to collect or create large-scale datasets of information and human-generated content, how to build and train neural network models for the generator and the analyzer components of the NLG system, how to generate and evaluate natural language content using the models, and how to analyze and report the results of the experiment. We hope that this paper can provide a useful guide for researchers and practitioners who want to explore and improve NLG using PyTorch.

Assets and Debts
Retirement Balance/Investments: $65,239 – This is all in a Tax Free Savings Account. I add about $1800 each month to my Questrade brokerage account, which I started doing (at a lower amount) regularly around two years ago when I finished school. When the First Time Home Buyers Savings Account (FHSA) becomes available, I will swap my contributions towards maxing that first.
Equity if you're a homeowner: $0 – oop, in this market?
Savings account balance: $16,834 – Most of this is my emergency funds (vehicle maintenance, vet emergencies, FU money, etc.) and the rest is a sinking fund for travel/fun.
Checking account balance: $2873 This is where my pay cheques are deposited and the account I use to pay off my credit cards.
Credit card debt: None, paid off monthly.
Student loan debt: None, I lived at home during my undergrad and my parents set me up an RESP that covered all my tuition, books, etc. When I moved for grad school I received scholarships and grants which supported my research and my living costs. I worked on campus as well which helped cover tuition.

Income

Income Progression: This is my first full-time job in my field, and I’ve been working for a bit over a year and a half. My starting salary was $68,000 and I got a raise and promotion to $76,000 at around the one-year mark.
I work at a consulting company and my role is to manage and facilitate a variety of different environmental monitoring programs. I work out in the field in northern Canada mostly in the summer. The rest of the year I primarily work from home and travel periodically for conferences, meetings, and occasional project work.
Before I started this job, my income progression includes:

Role	Pay	Description
Sales associate/cashier	$10-11/hr	Miscellaneous retail and fast food jobs I worked in high school (15-20 hrs/wk)
Research assistant	$14-17/hr	I worked for research labs part-time during the school year and full-time during the summer while I did my undergrad (15-40 hrs/wk)
Teaching assistant	$25-28/hr	I TAed various undergrad courses while I was in grad school (100-250 hours/semester)
Wildfire service	$25/hr	I worked a summer in wildland fire after I finished grad school. This was my wages averaged out to once hazard and OT/stat pay are included (60 hrs/wk)

Main Job Monthly Take Home: $4650 after deductions (EI/CPP, taxes, medical/dental)
Side Gig Monthly Take Home: $600 – This includes a few different things. I work occasionally as a photographer (portraits, headshots, events), make and sell crafts, and save up my travel per diems. When I travel for work I get a flat per diem and don’t need to submit receipts so I usually prep and bring a bunch of vacuum sealed meals with me. The take home for all of this really varies month to month and $600 is my very rough estimate.

Expenses

Note: My partner G and I don’t have combined income. We maintain separate accounts, though they’re P2 on a couple of my credit cards. G is working part-time as a server and on campus while finishing up their degree. Their monthly take-home is probably around $1200-2000 depending on their hours. We split eating out, groceries, gas, cat expenses, and other living costs equitably, though occasionally some of these costs gets a bit jumbled when G, our roommate A, and I all shop together. We use Splitwise to keep this all sorted as cleanly as possible. Everything that is listed below is my share of costs.
Fixed Expenses:

• Rent (inc. utilities): $800 – I share a house with two others. The total is $2000, which I split with my partner, G ($500) and our roommate A ($700). We used to live with A’s (ex) partner as well and we were all students when we started living together so we split the rent equally. When G and I started working full-time (we graduate the same year), we decided that the two of us would cover A’s ex’s rent amount so that G could continue to pay the same amount while they’re in school.
• Internet: $40 – This is $120 total and it’s split between me, G, and A. We have Internet bundled with Crave + HBO.
• Therapy: $150 – Price is per session. I have bi-weekly sessions and will typically pay for one out of pocket and get one covered through work.
• Cellphone: $70
• Car Insurance: $110 – I share my car with G, but I pay for the insurance.
• Gym membership: $45 – Local gym membership, plus $22 for Zwift occasionally in the winter months when it’s too rainy/dark for big rides.
• Subscriptions:
  • Spotify: $15 – I pay for the duo account for G and me
  • iCloud: $5 – I pay for a family account for G and me
  • Amex: $13 – I have an American Express Cobalt card. I get a ton of points when I use it for groceries and restaurants, so this has definitely been worth it for me.
  • RBC: $12 – I have the WestJet Mastercard and pay $119 annually for it. This is my first year with the card and it’s already been worth the cost for free checked bags.
  • Costco: $10 – This is $120 per year and I pay for our house. G, A and I usually go 1-2 times per month for groceries and household items (and the occasionally hotdog).

Variable Expenses:

• Donations: $150 – Mostly recurring donations and mutual aid support. Occasional larger one-off donations.
• Pet expenses: $60 – This is what I budget for food, litter, medication for our two cats.
• Savings contribution: $400 – This is the set amount that goes into my HISA towards my vet fund and travel/fun sinking fund.
• Investment contribution: $1800 – Automatically deposited into my TFSA mid-month. I occasionally add a bit more on months when I’m making more side income.
• Paid hobbies: $300 – I don’t really have a set amount that I spend on paid hobbies, but this is what I budget for myself for going skiing, camera equipment, crafting supplies, etc. Whatever isn’t spent will just get rolled into my sinking funds in my HISA.
• Food: $500 – What I typically budget for groceries and eating out.

Money Diary

Day 1 –
9 AM: I wake up and scroll on my phone until my partner (G) wakes up. We make the bed and get up to feed the cats and make breakfast. G is cooking ham silog, but I’m not really feeling a savoury breakfast today so I make a mango protein smoothie and have a slice of toast with peanut butter.
11 AM: G heads out for work and I lounge around indecisively. I had wanted to go to the gym this morning before meeting up with a friend, but it’s rainy outside and I don’t feel like putting on all my rain gear and biking over. I end up just catching up on some chores around the house while FaceTiming my Mom.
1 PM: My friend drives over and picks me up for a rainy walk in the park and to grab coffee. We walk drive to the park and walk around, chatting and catching up. Both of us have been busy with work so I haven’t seen him since last month. We walk to the coffee shop afterwards and I get a large latte and a breakfast burrito ($17.08). We walk back to my friend’s car and he drops me off at home.
4 PM: I strip off my rain gear and curl up on the couch with the cats and scroll social media. I put together a small platter of cheese, crackers, and grapes, and watch an episode of The Last of Us. G hates any shows that are spooky, so I’ve been watching it by myself when they’re not home. I text live updates to one of my friends who’s caught up on the news episodes and has been impatiently waiting for me to catch up so we can discuss it.
5:30 PM: G gets home from work and I drive to the gym. I stop into a bookshop on the way, pick up a book that my friend recommended to me this afternoon, and leave before I convince myself I need any more books ($33.59). I walk over to the gym and I do arms and shoulders, a bit of stretching, and then drive home to shower.
7:30 PM: G and I make totchos for dinner with garlicy chicken and cuddle on the couch and rewatch a few episodes of Shera. I would say I’m a Glimmer sun, Scorpia moon, and Mermista rising.
10 PM: G and I both shower and then I read in bed while G plays Stardew Valley before we fall asleep.
Day 1 total: $50.67
Day 2 –
8 AM: I wake up and check my phone in bed. I’ve developed this bad habit of immediately checking my work email and Slack first thing in the morning and immediately becoming stressed out. Most of the projects I work on are federally funded and the fiscal year end is in March, so my emails have been extra stressful lately.
10 AM: After taming my inbox and hopping off yet another meeting that could have been an email, I join G in the kitchen for breakfast. I have a chai latte and munch on leftover tater tots from last night – G added eggs to it so I’m pretty sure this constitutes as a breakfast item. They watch TV and feed that cats while I get back to work. I’m supposed to be travelling for work at the end of the month to facilitate some workshops and I and have been scrambling to get all the materials prepared for this.
1:30 PM: G leaves for class and I play with the cats while making some chili oil noodles for lunch, which I eat while mindlessly scrolling Tiktok before returning to my desk to work on a report that I’m finishing up.
4 PM: Take a break to lay in bed with my cat and then spend the rest of my work day catching up with messages before logging off. I get changed to go on a bike ride and stuff some snacks into my handlebar bag. I head out for a quick loop and pop on my earbuds. I am listening to Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin and it’s sooo good so far!
6:30 PM: G texts me to pick up a couple items, so I stop at the grocery store on my way home. I lock up my bike and grab a cucumber, some carrots, oranges, milk, potatoes, pork chops, and a big pack of trail mix ($35.52). I stand outside the grocery store shoveling trail mix into my mouth before riding home haphazardly dangling the bags off my dropbars. G helps me unload groceries and makes poke bowls for dinner while I shower.
8 PM: G heads out to meet up with some friends for drinks and I wash dishes and then read in bed with the cats.
10 PM: I drive downtown to pick up G and then we get ready for bed together, watch Tiktoks and snuggle.
Day 2 total: $35.52
Day 3 –
8 AM: I wake up, panic check my emails, and then get up with G to make the bed, wash up, and brush our teeth. They recognize I’m already stressing about work and coax me into making breakfast together. We make scrambled eggs together and toast with butter and eat together and I feel a little bit less overwhelmed when I finally sit down at my desk.
12 PM: I stop to eat lunch and then head out for a quick walk. It’s finally sunny after a week of cloud and rain. I stop by the pharmacy to pick up some tissue paper and a big jug of Metamucil ($24.65). Maybe TMI, but I’ve been weirdly constipated the past few days. I recently started upping my protein intake and perhaps I’m not quite drinking enough water to compensate. I walk home and gulp down a big glass of Metamucil before getting back to work.
5 PM: I meet G at their bus stop and we walk to the pet store together to restock on cat food and litter ($58.15). G starts cooking dinner and I bike to the gym to do chest and back. After my workout, I drink the protein shake that I brought with me. In the Costco Facebook group I’m in everyone is obsessed with these chocolate milk protein drinks that seem to always sell out immediately after they’re restocked. The last time I was at Costco, I finally got a glimpse of them in real life and everyone and their Moms was flinging them into their carts. I got caught up in the FOMO ended up buying two flats of them. G was seriously judging when I came home with my Costco haul and I revealed that I spent nearly $80 on chocolate milk… I counter that this is the price for gains, but I'm not so sure....
7 PM: I bike home, shower, and eat the katsu curry that G made. While I’m eating I finally order the cycling jersey I’ve been eyeing up because I got a discount coupon in my email ($78.75). G and I watch The Hunger Games and share a big bowl of microwaveable popcorn.
10:30 PM: I prep some overnight oats for G and me before showering, brushing my teeth, flossing, and heading to bed.
Day 3 total: $103.40
Day 4 –
6 AM: I groggily wake up to the sound of G making coffee. They work opening shifts at their serving job on Wednesdays and I always say that I’ll wake up early with them and get a head start to my day. I lay in bed, eyes closed, contemplating why I would want to do something so foolish.
7:30 AM: I finally actually get out of bed, dressed, and cleaned up.
8 AM: I hop into a meeting with some project partners and I finaaaaally get the go ahead to book my travel for later this month. My company allows me to charge my expenses to my personal card and claim it afterwards, which has been awesome for accumulating points.
9 AM: I feed the cats and eat my overnight oats before returning to work. I switch over to a report for one of my other projects that’s wrapping up soon. It feels nice to work on something where my efforts feel like I’m (at least working towards) a seeable endpoint, rather than an endless cycle.
11:30 AM: My brain is already over the day. I take an early lunch, wash dishes, play with the cats, and return to work.
4:30 PM: I log off and get geared up for a bike ride. I’m so happy I bought loaded up my handlebar bag with snacks. I eat multiple packs of sesame snaps and do a quick 30k loop, listen to an episode of Ologies, and return home.
7 PM: I do a quick, stretch, shower, and eat leftover curry with G. G has some assignments to work on and I join them on my laptop and watch Youtube videos. I FaceTime A, who is travelling this week for a conference. She emails us her flights so that we can pick her up at the airport this weekend.
9 PM: After my call ends, G and I decide to do face masks together and take a screen break before bed. We chat about our travel plans in the coming months. We’re meeting up with G’s siblings in southern California next month and we’re trying to figure out whether it will be worth it to go to Disneyland for a day while we’re there and which restaurants are a must-visit on our list.
10:30 PM: G and I get ready for bed and then read and cuddle before going to sleep.
Day 4 total: $0
Day 5 –
7 AM: I wake up to G getting out of bed. I stay in bed and see a notification on my phone for Facebook Marketplace. There’s a specific camera that I have a search alert set up for because I’ve been trying to buy for months now and someone in my city just posted it for sale. I message him and get a response right way. He lived within walking distance of my house and says I can come over any time to check out the camera! I get up and changed and bike to the bank and more or less empty my chequing account.
8 AM: I meet up with the seller and trust him right away. He invites me into his house and explains when he got the camera and that he’s selling it because he recently got a higher end model. I fiddle with the camera and check all the mechanics. Everything is in immaculate condition and I feel like I’ve seriously lucked out because he’s the original owner. I pay him in cash and happily bike home ($2200).
8:30 AM: G is making breakfast when I get home. They’re used to me hyperfixating on my various special interests and listen to my blab incessantly about the camera while we eat.
9 AM: I log into a Zoom meeting and then work on my workshop prep again. I’ve been travelling for this project numerous times since last May and I have yet to get approval for travel more than two weeks in advance and that two weeks is always so stressful and chaotic.
11 AM: G leaves for school and I bike to my office to pick up some materials that have arrived for me. I stay and chat with my supervisor and a couple of my coworkers that are in the office today as well.
12:30 PM: I bike home, boil some frozen dumplings for lunch, and finish off my workday at home. I squeeze in a load of laundry, bake a frozen lasagna, and watch a bunch of Youtube videos about my camera. It has truly taken all my self-control to not spend all day playing with it.
6 PM: I go out for a short walk with my camera and listen to my audiobook while I snap pics.
7 PM: G comes home from school and we eat lasagna and rewatch Everything Everywhere All at Once, which has been all over social media again after it swept at the Oscars.
10 PM: G and I get ready for bed and I watch some more Youtube videos while G plays Animal Crossing.
Day 5 total: $2200
Day 6 –
8 AM: Wake up and make a smoothie for breakfast and get started with work.
10 AM: I take a snack break and say bye to G as they leave for school.
12 PM: I join a meeting with one of my co-workers to discuss an upcoming deadline and stay on the call to chat about our weekend plans. One the call is over I boil some tortellini and top it with marinara and some shredded cheese for lunch.
4:30 PM: I bike to my gym and decide to do a full body workout. It is extra busy today and none of the racks are free.. I guess this is my sign that I can skip squats for the day…
6PM: I bike home, shower, and we eat leftovers for dinner.
7 PM: I work on some crafting in the living room while G watches shows. I was commissioned for a project by a friend that I have been slacking off on. I have really mixed feelings about monetizing my hobbies and go through waves where I sometimes feel really enthusiastic about it and consider investing more of my time into building a business and other times, I feel drained of all creative passion.
11 PM: G and I get ready for bed and I stay up a bit longer to read my book in bed.
Day 6 total: $0
Day 7 –
6:30 AM: I wake up to G giving me a lil forehead kiss before they go to work. Love it, but not enough to wake up.
8 AM: Woken up once again. This time it's by two very rude cats stomping all over me and meowing for food. I make the bed and get up to feed them and myself.
8:30: I sit down at my desk to catch up on some work. I usually don't work weekends, but I feel overwhelmed by everything I need to get done this next week. I cannot wait for March to be over and to return to a manageable amount of work.
11 AM: It’s a beautiful sunny day outside and I change into my bike gear to go out for a ride. I eat a leftover slice of lasagna and then a banana and some peanut butter. I never know how much to eat before I bike so I end up steaming some dumplings and eating those too.
11:30 AM: I meet up with a friend to ride together and we stop halfway through our ride to lounge in the sun and get milkshakes. I pay for both of us ($13.65).
4 PM: I get home, strip off my sweaty bike kit, and shower. G is home for work and surprised me with takeout sushi. I am famished and eat my spicy tuna rolls ravenously.
5 PM: G is napping and I sit outside on our front porch and work on a sewing project while listening to some music.
7 PM: G and I go out for a walk to watch the sunset and stretch out a bit. When we get home, we play a few rounds of Dominion. I win twice and G wins once. Then G showers while I read on the couch.
11 PM: G drives us to the airport to pick up A. We’re both exhausted and blast a kpop playlist so that we don’t doze off. I pay for short-term parking ($2) while we wait in the airport for A’s flight and then we all drive home together.
Day 7 total: $15.65

Weekly Total:

Food & Drink	$66.25
Pet	$58.15
Camera	$2200.00
Shopping	$112.34
Other	$26.65
Total	$2463.39

Most of this week was pretty typical for spending. The camera was both planned (something I anticipated) and unexpected (the random timing). I know the reason I budget and save is so that I can spend that money guilt-free. Despite that, some anxiety still lingers and a lot of back and forth thinking, was this impulsive? No, I was prepared for this…. That was SO much money… Money anxiety has been one of the major discussion topics I’ve been working on with my therapist and that I have gotten better about over the past year or so. Spending time reading and engaging with a lot of personal finance content, I feel like I am constantly bombarded with messaging on how to minimize spending on ‘wants’.
Since I started tracking my finances in early 2021, my hobbies have been my top spending category besides rent and groceries. It brings me tons of joy to be able to go on trips, buy camera gear and bike gear, and do the activities that I’ve dreamt of having the means to do since I was a kid. I have been working on finding balance between saving and spending, living the type of joyous and adventurous life that little smolblobfish wanted to have, and ensuring that I’m doing my best to set up a secure future.
Edit: Realized I had only included my primary income in the title. Wanted to add a note that with side hustles, my income is around $82k presently.

A few days ago, my wife and I went for our 12-week NT scan with a perinatal specialist. Prior to the scan, my wife's OB's office had already run the NIPT blood test, and the results came back normal, which was a great relief. However, after the NT ultrasound, the specialist had us sit down to discuss the scans, and her expression was quite concerning.
She informed us that our baby has an elevated NT of 2.9mm, while the normal range should be between 1.7mm and 2.5mm. Naturally, we were very worried upon hearing this news. What's surprising is that the specialist didn't even receive my wife's NIPT results. When we mentioned this, she dismissed the NIPT as just a screening and recommended a more accurate test called CVS (Chorionic Villus Sampling).
We were confused at first, but the specialist clarified that the CVS test involves extracting a sample from the placenta with a needle to test for genetic disorders. Although we knew the NIPT was supposed to be highly accurate, we felt concerned and agreed to the CVS test, which was scheduled for the next day.
Moreover, the specialist also started making remarks about our baby's anatomy scans, suggesting potential heart defects at just 12 weeks, which we later found out should be examined more closely between 15 to 18 weeks.
We are currently waiting for the CVS test results and will update everyone here when we get them. In retrospect, I feel that the situation could have been handled differently by the specialist. Doctors have a significant influence on how they communicate news to patients, and I believe a more empathetic approach would have been beneficial.
Do any of you have similar experiences or advice on how to cope with such situations? Any insights would be greatly appreciated.

Good morning! I put the exclamation point there because I’m actually feeling happy right now. I feel like I have a lot of options ahead of me. I’m happy about the decision I made last night to (more spiritual version) go back to the multiverse and experience the outcome of my life that’s more connected to what it felt like to attend the Brown vs. Providence lacrosse game or (more spiritual version) orient my life consciously around the themes I’ve expressed in the Pinterest board I made to honor the event.
Now that I have taken time to formally process the end of the first quarter and move on to the second quarter, I see a lot of options ahead of me. When I think about what Brown vs. Providence means to me, the action items that spring from that are: (1) writing a letter to a politician, (2) reading through the remainder of a law review journal that I was reading, (3) riding my bike, (4) cleaning up the PDF that I have of the Official Preppy Handbook and putting a copyright-compatible copy of it on my GitHub for people to browse.
Those are the immediate action items that come to mind when I think about what Brown vs. Providence mostly means to me right now. Just to expand on the multiverse idea a little more right now, the lacrosse game happened on a day when my best friend was asleep and I summarized the results for him when he woke up and we had a fun discussion. The reason I had a nocturnal schedule last fall was not consciously to copy my best friend, but that’s what it would partly mean to me to do so right now. Like yesterday, during my work shift, I was wrestling with feelings like "I want to have solidarity with my best friend by sleeping right now like we both used to often do.” In terms of using my therapy skills to chart a course post-codependency, I like the idea of situating myself in the thought-space of a day where I was active during the afternoon, even if my best friend was sleeping or doing something else, and we were able to interact and bond at the end of everything, and the fact that we had different identities and were making separate choices and doing separate things did not in any way impinge upon the value of the good times we had had together.
The other competing things that come to mind when I think about how I want to spend my day are: (1) I want to work and earn money (2) I want to study for the finance certificate program (3) I want to work on populating my GitHub / working ahead on the portfolio class I’m taking next week, where I have to synthesize and to a certain extent update my research projects from throughout the program (4) I want to study for the competitive programming tests (5) I want to work on the Django self-development class (6) I want to resume my progress with polo (7) I want to read the book(s) I found at the bisexual library this week to help me process my feelings about my best friend and I want to watch the movie being depicted in this gif, too.
I’m going to have to make choices about how I spend my Sunday, and it’s probably going to involve grabbing physical sheets of paper and making t-charts. I already have the pen and paper ready.
What I like about the list of possibilities that I’ve assembled here is that I’m making space for a wide variety of life outcomes and experiences for myself. The list includes things that I’ve thought of doing but that cut against the grain of what life requires me to do by necessity, so I like the idea that I am going to probably end up with a Q2 that is as thoughtful and creative as Q1 was.
Something that I want to do but am not currently doing: hugging my best friend.
Currently doing: eating brunch.
Advice: -pros and cons charts and other kinds of t-charts are really effective and helpful—not just doing it in your head but physically writing it down and seeing how much space it takes up on the paper -drinking water is nice -if your religious identity involves American Thanksgiving and/or winter holidays in December, I feel like planning for a good holiday season in advance could be a good idea. Like, what if you started as early as March or April to set money aside for Thanksgiving dinner items or for Chrismukkah presents? I haven’t started this yet, nor committed to doing it yet. What if, though? What if?